nothing to much
so after talking to kevin last night, i got to thinking. that is something that i haven't really been doing much of recently. kevin's comment was about my having a platform on which to share and i had better be interesting and use it well or some such thing. and i'd like to apologize right now, because i don't think that i will be. i am not sure what i am going to write in here, but it is a journal, so i'll treat it as such.
hehehehe, chris bought me something today, randomly. he told me it was a surprise... so of course the second that i ask him what it is he tells me. it is a stuffed elephant, my favorite animal ever. i am not sure why, i have always thought that there was a quite majesty about them. and they are gray, like so much of life. they have been my favorite animal since before i can remember. they are good luck when you see one with it's trunk raised.... and being in theater for so long... i can understand every aspect of why that is funny. ahhh, i love shakespeare.
weirdly enough, two of my favorite songs are by Aaliyah, try again and are you that somebody. it is odd because i am not that into hip hop, r&b or soul rap type music anymore. i never really was, i just loved to dance to it a few years back.
so i got to thinking about graduation and all of the people that i am never going to see again, but have made such an impact on my life... a friend thought i was thinking about suicide when i talked to them about it, silly boy. i was not. but i hope that i have made some difference to other people. that i'll be missed whenever i'm gone, as in, at college - just to clarify.
so how stupid am i? i still haven't finished applying to college, any of them, not one. i don't really want to go, but i am aware of the fact that i have no choice.
speaking of which, i had that whole long talk with my mom about what i'm going to do when i grow up and who i want to be. She told me she always saw me becoming a mom and raising a family. it really pissed me off. i'm not sure why. i do want to do that, but i want to do so much more as well. it's like, that is all she thought i was capable of doing or something, very annoying. and then, about what to study in college... she sees me as a life time student, some one who is always in school, always studying something. which is fine, i see myself doing the same thing for different reasons. my mom raised me to value education and knowledge, i have become prejudice against stupidity because of her.
it has never been about the grade with me, i'd do the work if i thought that i'd get something out of it. i'd rather fail and learn something than make a's and still know nothing. but there are so many things that i want to know about.. she said it was because i was so indecisive and i would never be happy with anything that i did, like i could not be happy. so i would be stuck in this cycle of trying to learn my way out of my inner problems (which can be done mind you) i forgot where i was going with this. oh well
note: the diff. between ignorance - not knowing and stupidity - not wanting to know. i am fully aware of ignorant i am personally. i know nothing, not even about myself. that is why i try so hard to understand other people. they hold the secrets to understanding yourself. i also have a very selfish or introspective personality, because it works vise versa. if i know myself than i know others as well. so by observing others, and understanding their actions and motivations, i can do the same to myself, and if i can know myself than i can better understand others. it seems like it would be a horrible circle of false understanding that gets you no where in the end, but it is more like a spiral or a spring, you follow the same pattern, and it is all very similar, but you are slowly making your way to somewhere. i have no clue where that somewhere is, but... hey that is the fun of going there to find out.
it is all in the journey, and to be happy is in the state of mind, not the state of being. besides i know where i'll end up at the end of it all. or at least the next phase of life.
that sounds so freaking cocky, sorry about it.
i was going somewhere with all of this.... oh, if you don't know yourself first then you can't know anything else, because we filter everything that we some into contact with, so if we are being false with ourselves than it will be falsely censored, but if we are honest and know, than we can begin to comprehend true knowledge and really learn about other things, too.
whoa, that made a heaping pile of no-sense. sorry. i just start rambling sometimes.
man i love my mom but i hate how she makes me feel. i am a worthwhile person, even if i am the only one who thinks so. she CAN be such a bitch.
hehehehe, chris bought me something today, randomly. he told me it was a surprise... so of course the second that i ask him what it is he tells me. it is a stuffed elephant, my favorite animal ever. i am not sure why, i have always thought that there was a quite majesty about them. and they are gray, like so much of life. they have been my favorite animal since before i can remember. they are good luck when you see one with it's trunk raised.... and being in theater for so long... i can understand every aspect of why that is funny. ahhh, i love shakespeare.
weirdly enough, two of my favorite songs are by Aaliyah, try again and are you that somebody. it is odd because i am not that into hip hop, r&b or soul rap type music anymore. i never really was, i just loved to dance to it a few years back.
so i got to thinking about graduation and all of the people that i am never going to see again, but have made such an impact on my life... a friend thought i was thinking about suicide when i talked to them about it, silly boy. i was not. but i hope that i have made some difference to other people. that i'll be missed whenever i'm gone, as in, at college - just to clarify.
so how stupid am i? i still haven't finished applying to college, any of them, not one. i don't really want to go, but i am aware of the fact that i have no choice.
speaking of which, i had that whole long talk with my mom about what i'm going to do when i grow up and who i want to be. She told me she always saw me becoming a mom and raising a family. it really pissed me off. i'm not sure why. i do want to do that, but i want to do so much more as well. it's like, that is all she thought i was capable of doing or something, very annoying. and then, about what to study in college... she sees me as a life time student, some one who is always in school, always studying something. which is fine, i see myself doing the same thing for different reasons. my mom raised me to value education and knowledge, i have become prejudice against stupidity because of her.
it has never been about the grade with me, i'd do the work if i thought that i'd get something out of it. i'd rather fail and learn something than make a's and still know nothing. but there are so many things that i want to know about.. she said it was because i was so indecisive and i would never be happy with anything that i did, like i could not be happy. so i would be stuck in this cycle of trying to learn my way out of my inner problems (which can be done mind you) i forgot where i was going with this. oh well
note: the diff. between ignorance - not knowing and stupidity - not wanting to know. i am fully aware of ignorant i am personally. i know nothing, not even about myself. that is why i try so hard to understand other people. they hold the secrets to understanding yourself. i also have a very selfish or introspective personality, because it works vise versa. if i know myself than i know others as well. so by observing others, and understanding their actions and motivations, i can do the same to myself, and if i can know myself than i can better understand others. it seems like it would be a horrible circle of false understanding that gets you no where in the end, but it is more like a spiral or a spring, you follow the same pattern, and it is all very similar, but you are slowly making your way to somewhere. i have no clue where that somewhere is, but... hey that is the fun of going there to find out.
it is all in the journey, and to be happy is in the state of mind, not the state of being. besides i know where i'll end up at the end of it all. or at least the next phase of life.
that sounds so freaking cocky, sorry about it.
i was going somewhere with all of this.... oh, if you don't know yourself first then you can't know anything else, because we filter everything that we some into contact with, so if we are being false with ourselves than it will be falsely censored, but if we are honest and know, than we can begin to comprehend true knowledge and really learn about other things, too.
whoa, that made a heaping pile of no-sense. sorry. i just start rambling sometimes.
man i love my mom but i hate how she makes me feel. i am a worthwhile person, even if i am the only one who thinks so. she CAN be such a bitch.