Stupid school
My computer class is trying to melt my brain. There are two main parts to the course: learning the boring-ass basics of computers--the parts of a computer, the details of those parts, peripheral devices, internet connections, etc. YAWN. Then there's the practical side, where you do exercises to learn how to use Microsoft Office. I dislike this part because if you miss one tiny step, it screws up the whole damn thing. However, I now know how to use PowerPoint, and I might actually learn something about Excel, so there's that. Last week, I just had two chapters of exercises on PowerPoint which took me only until Tuesday night to do, allowing me to have Wednesday through Sunday off. Which was FANTASTIC. This week, I have four boring chapters in the textbook. I'm currently slogging through all the info on the Internet (capital "I"). I don't get this division of work, but I can't do anything about it.
I have been having panic attacks for a couple of weeks now. All of the sudden hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably. I saw Dr. Shah in September and he prescribed an anti-anxiety med for those occasions. I've used it a bunch. I realized it was because I was stressing out about all of the work I was doing for both English Comp and Intro to computers. There was extra work for English because it's election season and one of the books is about the Constitution. She added the requirement of going to at least one meeting election-related, like debate watching parties at school, with a corresponding paper written about the experience. Then there's all the additional required reading and paper writing. It was just too much when I have had to do so much with the Computers instructor. So I decided to drop English in order to save my sanity. It was a really difficult choice. I went to see an adviser on Friday to see what all I needed to include with my drop form to get the medical exemption. She told me (after being all judgy when I mentioned that my medical reason was because I'm bipolar) that I could get the medical exemption, but I would have to pay a bunch, if not all of my financial aid back. Well, that $1000 is long gone. So I was faced with an even worse choice: either try to get back into English (I had already missed one paper deadline, which is 20% of my grade) and play catch-up and hope to pull out a D, or just give up and not do any of the work, forcing an F. I came home and cried uncontrollably to Sis while talking to her and trying to figure out what to do. I finally decided to just let English go and take the F. I will take it in spring instead, and in a classroom this time. It was very hard to not beat myself up over the failure, since I'm a perfectionist and it kills me to earn an F. At least the grade will be replaced with whatever I make when I take it over. It was really difficult when I told Mom, since I was afraid that she'd be disappointed. She was for a couple of days before she realized that it was what I needed to do. I wrote a nice, 2 paragraph, eloquently worded email to my English Comp professor explaining my problem and my solution. Her reply? "OK" That's it, not even the whole word. *eyeroll*
I've been kind of depressed since Friday, which has caused me to be constantly sleepy, even with caffeine on board. And when I DO sleep, it's filled with nightmares. Last night, I had a dream where we humans were put into basically an ant farm to be watched and observed by aliens. It felt like it lasted FOREVER. There are a lot of parts that I remember that totally don't make sense and would be too difficult to explain, but it was definitely creepy and weird. And I constantly felt like I was failing. Anxiety dream, much?
I have to say a couple of things about the last debate. First, Obama won. Hands down. Period. Romney was a jerk to both the President and to Candy Crowley. And, if he used any of the zingers his campaign has had him practicing since August, they fell so flat that they were indistinguishable from his jerkiness. However, the President had several awesome ones: "Can you say that again, Candy?" and "I don't look at my pension; it's not as big as yours." Romney blaming gun violence on unwed mothers was ridiculous. Romney answering a question about pay equity for women with his "binders full of women" comment was stupid. And being real-time fact-checked by Candy over the "act of terror" comment was fantastic. Now, since Obama has been actually dealing with Foreign Affairs for four years, I hope he'll wipe the floor with Romney on Monday. I can't wait until November 6. Granted, my vote for Obama won't turn Texas blue, but I'll still feel good about it (generally, only Austin is blue, Houston is purple, and everywhere else is red).
*sigh* Back to the grind stone, with a lot of yawning and grousing. At least I see Monica tomorrow and I can figure some of this out. And then I can go to school and study in the library. It's cold and quiet in there, and seems to be occasionally conducive to study.
I have been having panic attacks for a couple of weeks now. All of the sudden hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably. I saw Dr. Shah in September and he prescribed an anti-anxiety med for those occasions. I've used it a bunch. I realized it was because I was stressing out about all of the work I was doing for both English Comp and Intro to computers. There was extra work for English because it's election season and one of the books is about the Constitution. She added the requirement of going to at least one meeting election-related, like debate watching parties at school, with a corresponding paper written about the experience. Then there's all the additional required reading and paper writing. It was just too much when I have had to do so much with the Computers instructor. So I decided to drop English in order to save my sanity. It was a really difficult choice. I went to see an adviser on Friday to see what all I needed to include with my drop form to get the medical exemption. She told me (after being all judgy when I mentioned that my medical reason was because I'm bipolar) that I could get the medical exemption, but I would have to pay a bunch, if not all of my financial aid back. Well, that $1000 is long gone. So I was faced with an even worse choice: either try to get back into English (I had already missed one paper deadline, which is 20% of my grade) and play catch-up and hope to pull out a D, or just give up and not do any of the work, forcing an F. I came home and cried uncontrollably to Sis while talking to her and trying to figure out what to do. I finally decided to just let English go and take the F. I will take it in spring instead, and in a classroom this time. It was very hard to not beat myself up over the failure, since I'm a perfectionist and it kills me to earn an F. At least the grade will be replaced with whatever I make when I take it over. It was really difficult when I told Mom, since I was afraid that she'd be disappointed. She was for a couple of days before she realized that it was what I needed to do. I wrote a nice, 2 paragraph, eloquently worded email to my English Comp professor explaining my problem and my solution. Her reply? "OK" That's it, not even the whole word. *eyeroll*
I've been kind of depressed since Friday, which has caused me to be constantly sleepy, even with caffeine on board. And when I DO sleep, it's filled with nightmares. Last night, I had a dream where we humans were put into basically an ant farm to be watched and observed by aliens. It felt like it lasted FOREVER. There are a lot of parts that I remember that totally don't make sense and would be too difficult to explain, but it was definitely creepy and weird. And I constantly felt like I was failing. Anxiety dream, much?
I have to say a couple of things about the last debate. First, Obama won. Hands down. Period. Romney was a jerk to both the President and to Candy Crowley. And, if he used any of the zingers his campaign has had him practicing since August, they fell so flat that they were indistinguishable from his jerkiness. However, the President had several awesome ones: "Can you say that again, Candy?" and "I don't look at my pension; it's not as big as yours." Romney blaming gun violence on unwed mothers was ridiculous. Romney answering a question about pay equity for women with his "binders full of women" comment was stupid. And being real-time fact-checked by Candy over the "act of terror" comment was fantastic. Now, since Obama has been actually dealing with Foreign Affairs for four years, I hope he'll wipe the floor with Romney on Monday. I can't wait until November 6. Granted, my vote for Obama won't turn Texas blue, but I'll still feel good about it (generally, only Austin is blue, Houston is purple, and everywhere else is red).
*sigh* Back to the grind stone, with a lot of yawning and grousing. At least I see Monica tomorrow and I can figure some of this out. And then I can go to school and study in the library. It's cold and quiet in there, and seems to be occasionally conducive to study.