Hi there.
So, according to my calendar on livejournal, I haven't made a single post since Christmas Eve. Sorry about that. I seem to have slipped into a black hole. A.K.A. super massive depression. Long story, but for a while I just didn't want to interact with the world at all. Not even you guys. Which really sucks, I know. I was basically scared to turn on my computer and deal with anything. I checked my e-mail, CNN, and Twitter on my phone. (Palm Centro = small window on the world [extra small, really].) I don't really know why I was afraid of going online and reading what you were up to, playing games, etc. Really rather irrational. So, today, I made the decision to stop reading books and start doing mindless stuff on my computer again. Reconnect with my friends on livejournal. Play a game of solitaire. Something not watching tv and ignoring the world.
So this is my start at heading back into worldliness and not depression. I've been hampered by a change in psych meds, but it's getting better now. Oh! See, there are things I haven't explained yet. Ok.
#1 I have a new neurologist who does nothing but headaches. We are currently trying to figure out exactly what causes these horrid spells. We tried nerve block injections at the base of my neck to help what is known as greater occipital neuralgia - basically, the muscles at the base of your spine tense and irritate the nerves that come out of your spine right there, causing a headache that refers to the front of your head around your temples. That didn't help at all and actually caused a headache so severe I was in bed for three days straight. So now we're down to only a couple of possible explanations for these headaches. One, is that I have a tiny hole somewhere in my head or spine that every now and then opens and leaks cerebro-spinal fluid, thus causing lower pressure in my head, causing my brain to hurt. The other is that there is a hole in my heart between the two ventricles, called a patent foramen ovale. This opening is present as a fetus in utero which helps circulate the mother's blood through the baby's body. It's supposed to close up right after you're born. In some people, it doesn't. Doctors aren't totally sure why this causes migraines, but they think it has something to do with less oxygenated blood being circulated into the brain. Since I've had migraines since I was 8, and migraines don't tend to start in people until their teens, this is definitely a possibility. So, tomorrow, when I see her, I will be bringing these two potentials up with her to discuss.
#2 I have a new psychiatrist. Actually, he's a neuropsychiatrist, having both subspecialties in neurology and psychiatry. A hefty amount of time in residency for that. But, makes him a better doctor for me since I have had previous brain injuries and am having these headaches, he knows more about how to help. I also have fibromyalgia, and he's the only psychiatrist I know who's willing to prescribe drugs for it. Mainly because he's also a neurologist and that's something he would treat. So, I have gotten rid of the Depakote altogether. This makes me very happy. First, because I'm now down to 4 psych meds instead of 5. Second, because I no longer am suffering all the nasty side effects, like hair loss (which is killer for me because my hair's really thin as it is), weight gain (which I don't need any more of, thank you), and trouble thinking. I feel like thoughts are hard to put together when on the depakote. Now, I've increased the Lamictal instead, which seems to be letting me think clearer and I'm feeling more energized without feeling manic. Which is good. I was droopy and low energy even as recently as a week ago. It seems it was definitely time for a change. I'm still tired, but my mind is more awake than it has been in a long time. So it's progress. He also has me decreasing my Ambien. This scares me because I've been on it for years (which is not recommended but have done anyway with doctor's approval) and I'm afraid I won't sleep without it. But I am. And, if I start not sleeping as much, then I have enough Seroquel to augment my normal dose to help me fall asleep. He swears that without the ambien the night terrors I experience will actually get better, and not worse, as I fear.
#3 As per instructions by the pshrink, (or neuropshrink, I guess), I have started Project: Sleep Hygiene. Basically, he said that if I stopped sleeping all day I'd feel better. And so I tried. I woke up on Monday at 10:30am and decided to try my best to stay up the whole day. (As you probably remember, I am notoriously a night owl and tend to sleep all day, wake up in the evening, and then go to bed about dawn.) And I did it. It took a lot of discipline, activities, movies, and Coke - the drink, not the drug. Though that might have helped, I think it would only add to my problems later on. I fell asleep about 11:30pm. I automatically woke up at 10am Tuesday. So I did it again. And Wednesday. And so far today. And damn it all, the pshrink was right. I am feeling better, and sleeping more soundly. And fewer nightmares - partially due to the ambien removal, and partially due to just being truly tired and not just depressed-tired. I'm going to have to go in to see him in a few weeks and actually tell him he's right. Dammit.
#4 My sister is living with Mom and me in the house right now. It started out that she was staying after her car wreck that happened right before Christmas to recuperate and hang out with us for the holiday/my birthday. Then she just kinda stayed. And it's been really hard. I've resented it because I have felt left out. (Mom and Sis are really close and always have been, and I sometimes feel like the third wheel. They tend to gang up on me, even though they don't mean to.) I hate that Mom's been sleeping out on our living room couch for the last month and a half. She won't kick Sis out of her bedroom, but I feel like Sis should JUST FREAKING MOVE BACK TO HER OWN DAMN APARTMENT ALREADY. She swears she will be moving back by this weekend, but needs Mom to help her clean her kitchen first so she can cook. She has this horrible habit of not throwing trash away. Now, look, I'm being semi-hypocritical here, since I'm not so hot about it myself, but that's mainly in my own room. She leaves trash everywhere in the living room and kitchen. Just cluttering up everything. And, for some reason, I keep getting blamed for it by Mom. Which is totally unfair since I spend most of my day up in my room now that I have TV up here.
#5 OH! Yes, I HAVE TV IN MY ROOM NOW!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! After all those hassles with AT&T, I finally got a box properly installed. The tech came out on Jan. 6 to hook up the box. After that, we started having problems with our signal. It would just cut out and we'd be TV-less for the whole house. What it ended up being (after having shenanigans with techs not showing up), was the guy who came to install the box used the wrong splitter at the connection site. This caused errors in the data stream, and the modem (since everything is over the web with our system, and it ROCKS) would just shut down once it encountered too many errors. It was thought for a while that the problem was with the feed coming to the house and we'd have to have a crew digging in our yard (or neighbor's yards), but it was caught in time. Thank you Jose! So I have had TV for about a month now and I LOVE IT. I've gotten re-addicted to HGTV and DIY. I love those to fall asleep to because they're kind of monotonous. If only I could find the remote to my TV so I could set the sleep timer.
Anything else? Oh yes. I believe I explained in one of my December posts about Mom getting laid off of her job. Well, she was re-hired by the company, but in a lower-paying job (and lower-status job) on a different unit at the hospital. So now she's back to being a scut nurse instead of charge. And when she does charge, she doesn't get compensated for it. She's back to being an hourly employee instead of salaried. And she makes about $600 less per paycheck than before. Fucking Bastards. If you know of someone who is looking at psych facilities, tell them DON"T GO TO HOUSTON. There aren't any good ones here. There was the one Mom works for, but after they cut two of the best programs they have, it's not worth the thousands of dollars a day. There are much better (and cheaper) places to get residential psych treatment. Drop me a line, and I'd be happy to name a few, especially those for eating disorders and trauma-specialists.
I realized a couple of days ago that I didn't work at all last year. What little I did for ChaCha wasn't enough to be transferred to me, so I technically didn't earn a dime. Which is really really sad. But good in the way that I will now easily qualify for financial aid and maybe can actually get started on college again. I really hate the possibility of being in debt up to my eyeballs, but what can you do, eh?
My hands are cramping. I've been working during my internet sabbatical on a knitted quilt. Basically, I found a really cheap (but nice) yarn (Hobby Lobby/Crafts Etc. "I Love This Yarn." Soft, $3, and 7 yards worth per skein. Awesome. Much better than the Red Heart stuff.), and bought it in several colors - light blue, apple green, silver gray, and dark chocolate brown. They look really good together. I'm knitting the blue and green in squares with a basket weave pattern with a knit border, and the other two in stockinette with a knit border. (If you knit, you know what I'm talking about.) It's been really easy and quick. The basket weave ones take about 1.5 hours to make one, and the stockinette ones about 1 hour. At the end, I'm going to have 48 squares, and each square is about 8"x8", so it'll be pretty big. I'm so excited and can't wait to put it all together. If you do knit, or want to start a knit project that's bigger than a scarf for the first time (this is my second afghan ever in over 10 years of knitting), I'm more than happy to give you the pattern. It's super easy. (And, the best part is, I MADE THE PATTERN UP FROM SCRATCH. THIS IS COMPLETELY MY DESIGN. WOO! Makes me feel like a real, dedicated knitter.)
Ok. That's all I can think of for now. I'm still going to be putting my random thoughts on Twitter, so follow me at emerybored over there.
So this is my start at heading back into worldliness and not depression. I've been hampered by a change in psych meds, but it's getting better now. Oh! See, there are things I haven't explained yet. Ok.
#1 I have a new neurologist who does nothing but headaches. We are currently trying to figure out exactly what causes these horrid spells. We tried nerve block injections at the base of my neck to help what is known as greater occipital neuralgia - basically, the muscles at the base of your spine tense and irritate the nerves that come out of your spine right there, causing a headache that refers to the front of your head around your temples. That didn't help at all and actually caused a headache so severe I was in bed for three days straight. So now we're down to only a couple of possible explanations for these headaches. One, is that I have a tiny hole somewhere in my head or spine that every now and then opens and leaks cerebro-spinal fluid, thus causing lower pressure in my head, causing my brain to hurt. The other is that there is a hole in my heart between the two ventricles, called a patent foramen ovale. This opening is present as a fetus in utero which helps circulate the mother's blood through the baby's body. It's supposed to close up right after you're born. In some people, it doesn't. Doctors aren't totally sure why this causes migraines, but they think it has something to do with less oxygenated blood being circulated into the brain. Since I've had migraines since I was 8, and migraines don't tend to start in people until their teens, this is definitely a possibility. So, tomorrow, when I see her, I will be bringing these two potentials up with her to discuss.
#2 I have a new psychiatrist. Actually, he's a neuropsychiatrist, having both subspecialties in neurology and psychiatry. A hefty amount of time in residency for that. But, makes him a better doctor for me since I have had previous brain injuries and am having these headaches, he knows more about how to help. I also have fibromyalgia, and he's the only psychiatrist I know who's willing to prescribe drugs for it. Mainly because he's also a neurologist and that's something he would treat. So, I have gotten rid of the Depakote altogether. This makes me very happy. First, because I'm now down to 4 psych meds instead of 5. Second, because I no longer am suffering all the nasty side effects, like hair loss (which is killer for me because my hair's really thin as it is), weight gain (which I don't need any more of, thank you), and trouble thinking. I feel like thoughts are hard to put together when on the depakote. Now, I've increased the Lamictal instead, which seems to be letting me think clearer and I'm feeling more energized without feeling manic. Which is good. I was droopy and low energy even as recently as a week ago. It seems it was definitely time for a change. I'm still tired, but my mind is more awake than it has been in a long time. So it's progress. He also has me decreasing my Ambien. This scares me because I've been on it for years (which is not recommended but have done anyway with doctor's approval) and I'm afraid I won't sleep without it. But I am. And, if I start not sleeping as much, then I have enough Seroquel to augment my normal dose to help me fall asleep. He swears that without the ambien the night terrors I experience will actually get better, and not worse, as I fear.
#3 As per instructions by the pshrink, (or neuropshrink, I guess), I have started Project: Sleep Hygiene. Basically, he said that if I stopped sleeping all day I'd feel better. And so I tried. I woke up on Monday at 10:30am and decided to try my best to stay up the whole day. (As you probably remember, I am notoriously a night owl and tend to sleep all day, wake up in the evening, and then go to bed about dawn.) And I did it. It took a lot of discipline, activities, movies, and Coke - the drink, not the drug. Though that might have helped, I think it would only add to my problems later on. I fell asleep about 11:30pm. I automatically woke up at 10am Tuesday. So I did it again. And Wednesday. And so far today. And damn it all, the pshrink was right. I am feeling better, and sleeping more soundly. And fewer nightmares - partially due to the ambien removal, and partially due to just being truly tired and not just depressed-tired. I'm going to have to go in to see him in a few weeks and actually tell him he's right. Dammit.
#4 My sister is living with Mom and me in the house right now. It started out that she was staying after her car wreck that happened right before Christmas to recuperate and hang out with us for the holiday/my birthday. Then she just kinda stayed. And it's been really hard. I've resented it because I have felt left out. (Mom and Sis are really close and always have been, and I sometimes feel like the third wheel. They tend to gang up on me, even though they don't mean to.) I hate that Mom's been sleeping out on our living room couch for the last month and a half. She won't kick Sis out of her bedroom, but I feel like Sis should JUST FREAKING MOVE BACK TO HER OWN DAMN APARTMENT ALREADY. She swears she will be moving back by this weekend, but needs Mom to help her clean her kitchen first so she can cook. She has this horrible habit of not throwing trash away. Now, look, I'm being semi-hypocritical here, since I'm not so hot about it myself, but that's mainly in my own room. She leaves trash everywhere in the living room and kitchen. Just cluttering up everything. And, for some reason, I keep getting blamed for it by Mom. Which is totally unfair since I spend most of my day up in my room now that I have TV up here.
#5 OH! Yes, I HAVE TV IN MY ROOM NOW!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! After all those hassles with AT&T, I finally got a box properly installed. The tech came out on Jan. 6 to hook up the box. After that, we started having problems with our signal. It would just cut out and we'd be TV-less for the whole house. What it ended up being (after having shenanigans with techs not showing up), was the guy who came to install the box used the wrong splitter at the connection site. This caused errors in the data stream, and the modem (since everything is over the web with our system, and it ROCKS) would just shut down once it encountered too many errors. It was thought for a while that the problem was with the feed coming to the house and we'd have to have a crew digging in our yard (or neighbor's yards), but it was caught in time. Thank you Jose! So I have had TV for about a month now and I LOVE IT. I've gotten re-addicted to HGTV and DIY. I love those to fall asleep to because they're kind of monotonous. If only I could find the remote to my TV so I could set the sleep timer.
Anything else? Oh yes. I believe I explained in one of my December posts about Mom getting laid off of her job. Well, she was re-hired by the company, but in a lower-paying job (and lower-status job) on a different unit at the hospital. So now she's back to being a scut nurse instead of charge. And when she does charge, she doesn't get compensated for it. She's back to being an hourly employee instead of salaried. And she makes about $600 less per paycheck than before. Fucking Bastards. If you know of someone who is looking at psych facilities, tell them DON"T GO TO HOUSTON. There aren't any good ones here. There was the one Mom works for, but after they cut two of the best programs they have, it's not worth the thousands of dollars a day. There are much better (and cheaper) places to get residential psych treatment. Drop me a line, and I'd be happy to name a few, especially those for eating disorders and trauma-specialists.
I realized a couple of days ago that I didn't work at all last year. What little I did for ChaCha wasn't enough to be transferred to me, so I technically didn't earn a dime. Which is really really sad. But good in the way that I will now easily qualify for financial aid and maybe can actually get started on college again. I really hate the possibility of being in debt up to my eyeballs, but what can you do, eh?
My hands are cramping. I've been working during my internet sabbatical on a knitted quilt. Basically, I found a really cheap (but nice) yarn (Hobby Lobby/Crafts Etc. "I Love This Yarn." Soft, $3, and 7 yards worth per skein. Awesome. Much better than the Red Heart stuff.), and bought it in several colors - light blue, apple green, silver gray, and dark chocolate brown. They look really good together. I'm knitting the blue and green in squares with a basket weave pattern with a knit border, and the other two in stockinette with a knit border. (If you knit, you know what I'm talking about.) It's been really easy and quick. The basket weave ones take about 1.5 hours to make one, and the stockinette ones about 1 hour. At the end, I'm going to have 48 squares, and each square is about 8"x8", so it'll be pretty big. I'm so excited and can't wait to put it all together. If you do knit, or want to start a knit project that's bigger than a scarf for the first time (this is my second afghan ever in over 10 years of knitting), I'm more than happy to give you the pattern. It's super easy. (And, the best part is, I MADE THE PATTERN UP FROM SCRATCH. THIS IS COMPLETELY MY DESIGN. WOO! Makes me feel like a real, dedicated knitter.)
Ok. That's all I can think of for now. I'm still going to be putting my random thoughts on Twitter, so follow me at emerybored over there.