Today is the big day!~
So I'm all dressed up. Ready to go, And my plane doesn't leave for 5 more hours. /sigh I don't have to BE at the airport for another 3. However, its not that hot in my room and I'm sweating bullets. Just nerves. Couldn't eat this morning. I tried but it just made my stomach quesy. Damn I wasn't this nervous 5 years ago for my own wedding. Speaking of which, August 19th WAS going to be my 5th year wedding anniversary. But I guess Scott and I didn't make it. Hell we didn't eve talk to each other on the 19th. Feels... Diffrent. Kinda sad. I don't 5 very important years of my life to just go on without even a nod to acknowledge them. So perhaps next year I'll do something special for me. To remind me of how hard I tried, even if I did fail horribly. What can I say. Some poeple just arn't cut out for marriage. Guess I'm one of them. /shrug
Gods, What a mess. I didnt' get done everything I wanted to get done. However, and this I'm really proud of.... I did a little each day. I didn't push my self real hard for a short time. I stretched it out and did a little bit every day. I'm learning to cope with this disease! /cheer! But still. Wish I could have gotten everything done.
Had my last cigerrtte this morning. THe LAST ONE! Started working on my singing voice. Have no clue if I'm getting anywhere. Lets give this smoke free enviroment a try and see if that does anything for it shall we? Jesus Christ! Where am I going to put his stuff!? I dont' have a desk for him.... HOLY FUCKING SHIT! /Panics! A... man... is ... moving in with me.... And Don't think I haven't tried to warn him that I'm not a stellar person! I HAVE. He just DOESN"T WANT TO LISTEN!!!! Shit.... Ask Mike Robinson, Ask Scott McCumber (X husband) Ask just about anyone who reads this LJ. I'm not a beautiful person. I have my moments where I am kind yes. But Sometimes I just don't think about other poeple and their wants and needs. And ya know, I hate to say this. But I can't do better. THis is me. /shrug I'm a selfish little bitch ya know. But I'm aware of it. I own up to it and try not to inflict myself on others. Let you in on a little secret. THis is why I don't hang on to friends long. I'm afraid I'll hurt them like I hurt Katie Patrick. She still won't talk to me to this day. She was a soulmate ya know. And her absense in my life STILL STILL to this day hurts me like hell.
There are days, when I just TAKE what I want and be damned to any others that stand in my way or if I have to inflict hurt on them. And I'm not proud of that. Why do I fucking do it? Why am I such a fucking twat bitch from hell? I just hope he can deal with it. /sigh I'm such a screw up. I'm just going to screw this up to arn't I? God I hope he keeps his promise. He promised he wouldn't let me screw this up. And in truth I made the same promise. I won't let him screw this up. Thats pretty easy though. Its myself I'm worried about not him. I know I can always talk to him if something goes awry. I can't talk to myself however.... LOL I don't listen!!!!!
God I'm going nucking FUTZ!
I can do this. I may not be a stellar person, but he choose me. Now I'm going to just have to treat him well. I don't know HOW I'm going to pull that off. But I have to. I *have* to. He deserves better than me. So somehow I just have to be better.
Em
Gods, What a mess. I didnt' get done everything I wanted to get done. However, and this I'm really proud of.... I did a little each day. I didn't push my self real hard for a short time. I stretched it out and did a little bit every day. I'm learning to cope with this disease! /cheer! But still. Wish I could have gotten everything done.
Had my last cigerrtte this morning. THe LAST ONE! Started working on my singing voice. Have no clue if I'm getting anywhere. Lets give this smoke free enviroment a try and see if that does anything for it shall we? Jesus Christ! Where am I going to put his stuff!? I dont' have a desk for him.... HOLY FUCKING SHIT! /Panics! A... man... is ... moving in with me.... And Don't think I haven't tried to warn him that I'm not a stellar person! I HAVE. He just DOESN"T WANT TO LISTEN!!!! Shit.... Ask Mike Robinson, Ask Scott McCumber (X husband) Ask just about anyone who reads this LJ. I'm not a beautiful person. I have my moments where I am kind yes. But Sometimes I just don't think about other poeple and their wants and needs. And ya know, I hate to say this. But I can't do better. THis is me. /shrug I'm a selfish little bitch ya know. But I'm aware of it. I own up to it and try not to inflict myself on others. Let you in on a little secret. THis is why I don't hang on to friends long. I'm afraid I'll hurt them like I hurt Katie Patrick. She still won't talk to me to this day. She was a soulmate ya know. And her absense in my life STILL STILL to this day hurts me like hell.
There are days, when I just TAKE what I want and be damned to any others that stand in my way or if I have to inflict hurt on them. And I'm not proud of that. Why do I fucking do it? Why am I such a fucking twat bitch from hell? I just hope he can deal with it. /sigh I'm such a screw up. I'm just going to screw this up to arn't I? God I hope he keeps his promise. He promised he wouldn't let me screw this up. And in truth I made the same promise. I won't let him screw this up. Thats pretty easy though. Its myself I'm worried about not him. I know I can always talk to him if something goes awry. I can't talk to myself however.... LOL I don't listen!!!!!
God I'm going nucking FUTZ!
I can do this. I may not be a stellar person, but he choose me. Now I'm going to just have to treat him well. I don't know HOW I'm going to pull that off. But I have to. I *have* to. He deserves better than me. So somehow I just have to be better.
Em