ONE MORE FREAKING DAY!~
So I've been going nuts as you can guess, Running around the house, *trying* to clean. I say trying cause I feel like I haven't gotten much done. I do the dishes and 20 hours later another 2 loads need to be done!~ Did something like 6 loads of laundry and I'm about to do another!~ Should do 2 loads... but ... You know me.
Not to mention, I need to be on a plane in.... 20 hours..... .... .... .... /panics!
I've been waiting for this awhile now. Careful planning has taken place... and I know I'm forgetting shit! Problem is I don't know what I'm forgetting. I'm finishing up packing the last of the stuff I'll need... Tolietries and the like.
I'm nervous. Why the hell am I so nervous??? I don't understand it. I mean its not like we are getting married. I love him. More than I've ever loved anyone in my life. Hes my best friend. Hes my lover. Hes simply the most honorable, loyal, good man I've ever met. I really hope that I'm worthy of him. I won't say I'm not cause obviously someone thinks so.
And we've already discussed that no matter what happens we will discuss things. Monogomy, Polyamoury, its all up for discussion. I feel like I'm getting cold feet.
I feel like I can handle meeting his parents. Meeting his friends? No Sweat... Its.. I'm not sure what it is. Its like, I'm about to get everything I want, So wheres the fine print? Wheres the part where they ask me to hand over my soul? I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I just can't see it coming.
Hes not jelous. Hes not controlling. Hes not patronizing... and yet I keep expecting him to treat me like Scott did. Cause thats just what couples do I suppose. They want to know where you are 24/fucking 7. And if you change movies.. they wanna know... However. Chris won't treat me like this. I know he won't. He doesn't OWN me, and he won't treat me like that. So why am I so afraid?
Living with Scott, the fire that burns within my soul slowly was dying. I thought it had burned out and fizzled, leaving nothing more then a mere speck of what I had once been. The flame is alive and burning brightly today. Mostly with Chris's help and encouragement to do what it is I really want to do. Case in point, the MA classes. Getting a job at the local hospital as a Medical Assistant. Going back to college and getting my BA RN. Perhaps even Med School if things go well. Encouraging me and supporting me in wanting to do better with my kids. I know I haven't been a stellar parent. But I want to do better. I WILL DO better.
I feel like I'm on the right track. I'm getting somewhere. So why am I so scared? I'm afraid that fires going to go out again. I will get so WRAPPED up in pleasing my partner in all things, that the fire inside my soul will flicker and die again. I can't go through that again. I don't want to loose me again! I just found ME!~
But nothing worth it is ever easy. And these are just fears. I will move on past them. Cause as afraid as I am to go through with this, I'm even more afraid of spending one more day or night without him. Even the worst day at work is made better with a simple text message from him. His thoughtfulness touches my heart and warms me all over. Simple shit he does makes me tingle from head to toe. /blush
And so I take this step forward. And I know its fast, but circumstances are forcing us to move in together. If we don't, we will have to resign ourselves to seeing each other twice a year. And with my sex drive.... Well lets just say I'm NOT DOING THAT.
I leave tomorrow. So I'll be out of Internet touch for a week. However, for those of you who have my new cell phone, Just remeber I'm in Seattle, so subtract three and you know what time it is. PLEASE don't call me at 6am!? I know you think its 9am... But :) anyways you get the idea.
Em
Not to mention, I need to be on a plane in.... 20 hours..... .... .... .... /panics!
I've been waiting for this awhile now. Careful planning has taken place... and I know I'm forgetting shit! Problem is I don't know what I'm forgetting. I'm finishing up packing the last of the stuff I'll need... Tolietries and the like.
I'm nervous. Why the hell am I so nervous??? I don't understand it. I mean its not like we are getting married. I love him. More than I've ever loved anyone in my life. Hes my best friend. Hes my lover. Hes simply the most honorable, loyal, good man I've ever met. I really hope that I'm worthy of him. I won't say I'm not cause obviously someone thinks so.
And we've already discussed that no matter what happens we will discuss things. Monogomy, Polyamoury, its all up for discussion. I feel like I'm getting cold feet.
I feel like I can handle meeting his parents. Meeting his friends? No Sweat... Its.. I'm not sure what it is. Its like, I'm about to get everything I want, So wheres the fine print? Wheres the part where they ask me to hand over my soul? I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I just can't see it coming.
Hes not jelous. Hes not controlling. Hes not patronizing... and yet I keep expecting him to treat me like Scott did. Cause thats just what couples do I suppose. They want to know where you are 24/fucking 7. And if you change movies.. they wanna know... However. Chris won't treat me like this. I know he won't. He doesn't OWN me, and he won't treat me like that. So why am I so afraid?
Living with Scott, the fire that burns within my soul slowly was dying. I thought it had burned out and fizzled, leaving nothing more then a mere speck of what I had once been. The flame is alive and burning brightly today. Mostly with Chris's help and encouragement to do what it is I really want to do. Case in point, the MA classes. Getting a job at the local hospital as a Medical Assistant. Going back to college and getting my BA RN. Perhaps even Med School if things go well. Encouraging me and supporting me in wanting to do better with my kids. I know I haven't been a stellar parent. But I want to do better. I WILL DO better.
I feel like I'm on the right track. I'm getting somewhere. So why am I so scared? I'm afraid that fires going to go out again. I will get so WRAPPED up in pleasing my partner in all things, that the fire inside my soul will flicker and die again. I can't go through that again. I don't want to loose me again! I just found ME!~
But nothing worth it is ever easy. And these are just fears. I will move on past them. Cause as afraid as I am to go through with this, I'm even more afraid of spending one more day or night without him. Even the worst day at work is made better with a simple text message from him. His thoughtfulness touches my heart and warms me all over. Simple shit he does makes me tingle from head to toe. /blush
And so I take this step forward. And I know its fast, but circumstances are forcing us to move in together. If we don't, we will have to resign ourselves to seeing each other twice a year. And with my sex drive.... Well lets just say I'm NOT DOING THAT.
I leave tomorrow. So I'll be out of Internet touch for a week. However, for those of you who have my new cell phone, Just remeber I'm in Seattle, so subtract three and you know what time it is. PLEASE don't call me at 6am!? I know you think its 9am... But :) anyways you get the idea.
Em