This Eve.
I'm tired tonight. Didn't sleep last night- it was a combination of things but mostly because I felt shitty about Tinu and about my future, and generally didn't want to be me. I want to get these projects off the ground, but where the fuck is everyone? Charlie is as elusive as ever and I am getting increasingly annoyed with this format of 'well now I have a gf whom i love lots so sorry can't see anyone else. bye.' Everyone seems to be in on it.
I'm quite upset about that, although I realise that I wouldn't be if i was just organising events for myself and not to keep up some absurd appearance or some kind of competition. Ah yes- competition. On the phone mum said-' you're very competetive aren't you?' and i said 'I bloody have to be'. I don't think she will ever get what it's like to grow up around Sam. I don't think she'll ever reeally understand that. And you know- I just want to get really good at something. I'm craving the praise, but at the same time I don't know how true that is because even after performances when people talk to me and say nice things, I still feel a little bit empty. The only time I didn't feel like that was after Eyes On Me, and that was because it was such a long process and I worked really hard on it. With my writing, it feels like comparisons come naturally because I've been making up these shitty similes since I could break a crayon. Perhaps if my work reached more outwards rather than inward, it would be more rewarding. I'm not sure if I'm going to be really that good at this, but I have to take a risk at something.I love it. It's the only thing I've ever been consistently good at, so I have to take the risk.
Went to have a look at clothes and got uneasy about weight. There's so much extra Jasmine building up everywhere and then this little head coming out on top of a long skinny neck, like a baby bird out of a huge egg. I feel grotesque- but I can't really admit that, not after all the blah-ing I've been doing about food pathology and bodies just being amazing because they're functional and all of that. I do still believe that- I appreciate that I come on when I'm supposed to and that my immune system works like magic- straight in there with the clearing out of the shit at the first signs of invasion- but fuck it, you know? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a vain person, or into aesthetics. I make these stupid comparisons between my body and my personality- both that i occasionally see as taking up a lot of space/air space but not actually having any point. Jay said 'You're not as confident as I thought you were'. I don't know what I was supposed to make of that. Nobody's as confident as they seem, are they? aren't we all living on the surface to some extent? I think it was just a bit of a shock to the system to hear her say that- after swanning about for all these months, Boyfriend in tow, all peotrifed out with gay gay hair and flavoured tobacco and all that wank. She just cut through, I guess- there's no reason why she wouldn't though, sharp as she is.
Time for a nap!
I'm quite upset about that, although I realise that I wouldn't be if i was just organising events for myself and not to keep up some absurd appearance or some kind of competition. Ah yes- competition. On the phone mum said-' you're very competetive aren't you?' and i said 'I bloody have to be'. I don't think she will ever get what it's like to grow up around Sam. I don't think she'll ever reeally understand that. And you know- I just want to get really good at something. I'm craving the praise, but at the same time I don't know how true that is because even after performances when people talk to me and say nice things, I still feel a little bit empty. The only time I didn't feel like that was after Eyes On Me, and that was because it was such a long process and I worked really hard on it. With my writing, it feels like comparisons come naturally because I've been making up these shitty similes since I could break a crayon. Perhaps if my work reached more outwards rather than inward, it would be more rewarding. I'm not sure if I'm going to be really that good at this, but I have to take a risk at something.I love it. It's the only thing I've ever been consistently good at, so I have to take the risk.
Went to have a look at clothes and got uneasy about weight. There's so much extra Jasmine building up everywhere and then this little head coming out on top of a long skinny neck, like a baby bird out of a huge egg. I feel grotesque- but I can't really admit that, not after all the blah-ing I've been doing about food pathology and bodies just being amazing because they're functional and all of that. I do still believe that- I appreciate that I come on when I'm supposed to and that my immune system works like magic- straight in there with the clearing out of the shit at the first signs of invasion- but fuck it, you know? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a vain person, or into aesthetics. I make these stupid comparisons between my body and my personality- both that i occasionally see as taking up a lot of space/air space but not actually having any point. Jay said 'You're not as confident as I thought you were'. I don't know what I was supposed to make of that. Nobody's as confident as they seem, are they? aren't we all living on the surface to some extent? I think it was just a bit of a shock to the system to hear her say that- after swanning about for all these months, Boyfriend in tow, all peotrifed out with gay gay hair and flavoured tobacco and all that wank. She just cut through, I guess- there's no reason why she wouldn't though, sharp as she is.
Time for a nap!