(no subject)
I should have been prepared for it, really. It should have been obvious from the beginning that it wasn’t a good idea and that someone would get hurt. You assume that because you’ve been somewhere before, you know how everything works and how to play it but you don’t.
I always invest too much in people that are inappropriate and then it all ends up in unrequition. I’m hungover with all of last night under my fingernails. There was some wonderful stupid loud talk by the river, all of us huddled in our coats and drinking vodka and pepsi and in some moments, Smirnoff Ice (when the fuck did we regress? It should have been 1.59 3Lcider, then). It got confused over the river. Even with her in that dress I was trying to re-channel my attention elsewhere and yet we ended up doing the same things, again drunkenly, again with inconclusive conversation afterwords. Neither of us ever actually just say what we fucking want, our conversations that are meant to be exorcistic are actually just re-hashes of the same reassurances and always veer slightly away from anything too honest or too brutal. We have become too precious like that.
We sat in the place in Soho square that I always always end up on with people in order to have ‘meaningful chats in the cold’. It was fruitless. She cried and I let her, as usual. I thought that I wanted to but either the reality or the dehydration wouldn’t let me. We were freezing and sobering up which is never a good combination, and none of our actions reflect the decisions that we supposedly make ‘properly, for real, this time’. In a stab of blame, I could claim that I didn’t instigate anything last night, my hands and my eyes were nowhere near her, but suffice to say that I would be crossing my fingers. It’s so embarrassing to make choices and then just go back on them so easily, I worry about what kind of person I am if this keeps on happening in so many incidents. It’s the blindspot somewhere between ‘because that’s how it should work because everything else says so’ and ‘because I know and believe inside that this is the right thing to do’.
We ran into Harry and his parents at TooTooMuch. I didn’t want to be there. They were weird and cokey so we lost Candy in a splitsecond because her threemonth detox was getting to her. It was a little bit pathetic but then vices are vices. Albie is in town today and part of me just wants to sit at home and make Christmas presents, but its been a really long time since I’ve seen him. I’m curious.
I always invest too much in people that are inappropriate and then it all ends up in unrequition. I’m hungover with all of last night under my fingernails. There was some wonderful stupid loud talk by the river, all of us huddled in our coats and drinking vodka and pepsi and in some moments, Smirnoff Ice (when the fuck did we regress? It should have been 1.59 3Lcider, then). It got confused over the river. Even with her in that dress I was trying to re-channel my attention elsewhere and yet we ended up doing the same things, again drunkenly, again with inconclusive conversation afterwords. Neither of us ever actually just say what we fucking want, our conversations that are meant to be exorcistic are actually just re-hashes of the same reassurances and always veer slightly away from anything too honest or too brutal. We have become too precious like that.
We sat in the place in Soho square that I always always end up on with people in order to have ‘meaningful chats in the cold’. It was fruitless. She cried and I let her, as usual. I thought that I wanted to but either the reality or the dehydration wouldn’t let me. We were freezing and sobering up which is never a good combination, and none of our actions reflect the decisions that we supposedly make ‘properly, for real, this time’. In a stab of blame, I could claim that I didn’t instigate anything last night, my hands and my eyes were nowhere near her, but suffice to say that I would be crossing my fingers. It’s so embarrassing to make choices and then just go back on them so easily, I worry about what kind of person I am if this keeps on happening in so many incidents. It’s the blindspot somewhere between ‘because that’s how it should work because everything else says so’ and ‘because I know and believe inside that this is the right thing to do’.
We ran into Harry and his parents at TooTooMuch. I didn’t want to be there. They were weird and cokey so we lost Candy in a splitsecond because her threemonth detox was getting to her. It was a little bit pathetic but then vices are vices. Albie is in town today and part of me just wants to sit at home and make Christmas presents, but its been a really long time since I’ve seen him. I’m curious.