(no subject)
And if only it was that simple.
A really odd evening, all told. Candy was in a sickly state and I was in that weird 'ok I orchestrated this therefore I must undertake all the orchestration even if it means I get a tad motherly and lose lots of money because it seems like my duty to buy drinks and keep conversation going’. I missed Candy, and I think it would have been better to see her on my own to catch up which I will this week at some point, because a lot of the time, when T’s around, she claims all my attention, and I can’t concentrate. It was a really weird production, with weird direction and overacting and no continuity, so I was unimpressed. Beginning to see what Tom meant about plays in monologue form- how they don’t work sometimes. That’s a slight smack in the face.
It got better later on in this random bar once everyone had had a couple of drinks and was a bit giggly. Candy looked amazing, but then she always looks amazing, if completely engrossed in the meaning of a boots/jeans/batwingjumper combo re:image. I was paranoid and confused but it was nice to see them and to just laugh.
It is now the clear light of day and I feel the need to mentally clean out. I run the risk of getting hurt if we carry on in this weird cycle of friends-morethanfriends-nojustfriends-butmorethanfriends-makeupyerfackingmind. Its all comfortable in the moment and it seems wanted but a decision has to be made firmly so that we can move forward properly. I can’t go into the new year with this. Not that the new year is anything real in terms of new beginnings, especially if the time functions within which you operate are mostly geared around term-systems- but at the same time it’s a useful cutoff point. I don’t think I can work or live with her if we’re like this, and I don’t think that she actually wants it. Instead, she’s caught up in the novelty of somebody being interested in her and is therefore ultra-responsive and completely impressionable, which would make it easy to impose and intrude etcetc. Deep down, for her, this is not attraction or desire, I think. It’s based in something else, something even less stable than that, which isn’t a basis for anything. This has the potential to be a really ‘using’ situation so I’d rather it was nothing than that.
A really odd evening, all told. Candy was in a sickly state and I was in that weird 'ok I orchestrated this therefore I must undertake all the orchestration even if it means I get a tad motherly and lose lots of money because it seems like my duty to buy drinks and keep conversation going’. I missed Candy, and I think it would have been better to see her on my own to catch up which I will this week at some point, because a lot of the time, when T’s around, she claims all my attention, and I can’t concentrate. It was a really weird production, with weird direction and overacting and no continuity, so I was unimpressed. Beginning to see what Tom meant about plays in monologue form- how they don’t work sometimes. That’s a slight smack in the face.
It got better later on in this random bar once everyone had had a couple of drinks and was a bit giggly. Candy looked amazing, but then she always looks amazing, if completely engrossed in the meaning of a boots/jeans/batwingjumper combo re:image. I was paranoid and confused but it was nice to see them and to just laugh.
It is now the clear light of day and I feel the need to mentally clean out. I run the risk of getting hurt if we carry on in this weird cycle of friends-morethanfriends-nojustfriends-butmorethanfriends-makeupyerfackingmind. Its all comfortable in the moment and it seems wanted but a decision has to be made firmly so that we can move forward properly. I can’t go into the new year with this. Not that the new year is anything real in terms of new beginnings, especially if the time functions within which you operate are mostly geared around term-systems- but at the same time it’s a useful cutoff point. I don’t think I can work or live with her if we’re like this, and I don’t think that she actually wants it. Instead, she’s caught up in the novelty of somebody being interested in her and is therefore ultra-responsive and completely impressionable, which would make it easy to impose and intrude etcetc. Deep down, for her, this is not attraction or desire, I think. It’s based in something else, something even less stable than that, which isn’t a basis for anything. This has the potential to be a really ‘using’ situation so I’d rather it was nothing than that.