(no subject)
i'm throwing a question out there for all you muthafuckas:
why do i pretend to like people who pretend to like me?
i mean, honestly, there are so many people - SO many - who i smile to and am polite to and say nice things to, but through my teeth i'm gritting and through my kind words i'm seething and deep inside and through my eyes i'm despising. and i know they do the same things because i can see it shielded behind those eyes and i can tell in the way that they pretend i'm nonexistant or in the way they try on purpose to pretend i'm not there. everyone else is, but i'm not.
but yet we pretend to be nice to each other. we pretend that we're awesome people and that we wish each other the best.
but we don't.
so why do we pretend?
i'm not like this. i hate pretending to feel something that i'm not feeling (unless it's... you know, acting), plus i'm a senior who will never see these people again, so why do i act like this? is it because i know them? is it because i know people who are good friends with them? is it because i know that, although i'll be true to myself and they to themselves, we will be considered terrible people (or rather i will as people don't really like me very much because i am so bad at pretending)? because lives will be hell for the short, short time that remains before i leave and go far, far away?
i don't know.
i'm so tired of pretending. it's so exhausting. i just want to be myself.
why do i pretend to like people who pretend to like me?
i mean, honestly, there are so many people - SO many - who i smile to and am polite to and say nice things to, but through my teeth i'm gritting and through my kind words i'm seething and deep inside and through my eyes i'm despising. and i know they do the same things because i can see it shielded behind those eyes and i can tell in the way that they pretend i'm nonexistant or in the way they try on purpose to pretend i'm not there. everyone else is, but i'm not.
but yet we pretend to be nice to each other. we pretend that we're awesome people and that we wish each other the best.
but we don't.
so why do we pretend?
i'm not like this. i hate pretending to feel something that i'm not feeling (unless it's... you know, acting), plus i'm a senior who will never see these people again, so why do i act like this? is it because i know them? is it because i know people who are good friends with them? is it because i know that, although i'll be true to myself and they to themselves, we will be considered terrible people (or rather i will as people don't really like me very much because i am so bad at pretending)? because lives will be hell for the short, short time that remains before i leave and go far, far away?
i don't know.
i'm so tired of pretending. it's so exhausting. i just want to be myself.