Sleepy summer days and more medication required.
Too many people are proving to me that I am not meant to be kept. That I am not good enough.
I try my very best, honestly, not to feel sorry for myself. Not to indulge in this self-pitying railing at others.
But I don't think I suck so hard. And I am apparently unkeepable. Perhaps I do suck. A lot. It's entirely possible, after all.
...I'm not depressed, believe it or not. I've been medicated all up to the point where I'm actually pretty happy. :) I'm on lots of pills, and they're working.
I'm just...
Down, today, and for the last couple of weeks. Someone had saved me from myself after someone else cracked me a little. Then the someone, on whom I have frequently relied to save me from myself and provide comfort....well....that person completed the Breaking of Desi. And it's not their fault. And it's not anyone's fault, not any of it. Timing and such cannot be changed by sheer force of will, despite my best efforts.
But it's not fair. And I'm sad, and sort of small and heartbroken. That last is really not like me. I'm not much of a heart person, really. Usually when there are endings, I am disappointed and sad and my pride is frequently wounded. This time I am genuinely deeply hurt. And surprised. I hate to be surprised. Which is why I hate people that insist that you trust them and think the best of them. It's nicer to be pleasantly surprised/proven right than it is to be surprised and crushed and disappointed.
And I knew better.
I try my very best, honestly, not to feel sorry for myself. Not to indulge in this self-pitying railing at others.
But I don't think I suck so hard. And I am apparently unkeepable. Perhaps I do suck. A lot. It's entirely possible, after all.
...I'm not depressed, believe it or not. I've been medicated all up to the point where I'm actually pretty happy. :) I'm on lots of pills, and they're working.
I'm just...
Down, today, and for the last couple of weeks. Someone had saved me from myself after someone else cracked me a little. Then the someone, on whom I have frequently relied to save me from myself and provide comfort....well....that person completed the Breaking of Desi. And it's not their fault. And it's not anyone's fault, not any of it. Timing and such cannot be changed by sheer force of will, despite my best efforts.
But it's not fair. And I'm sad, and sort of small and heartbroken. That last is really not like me. I'm not much of a heart person, really. Usually when there are endings, I am disappointed and sad and my pride is frequently wounded. This time I am genuinely deeply hurt. And surprised. I hate to be surprised. Which is why I hate people that insist that you trust them and think the best of them. It's nicer to be pleasantly surprised/proven right than it is to be surprised and crushed and disappointed.
And I knew better.