What Am I Doing Wrong
As anybody who's known me for more than a week can figure out, I have low self-esteem. Chronic low self-esteem. The kind that one over exaggerates in order to make themselves feel special enough to get special treatment. But especially, I really, most of the time, can't fathom why or how I have friends.
I'm anti-social and unfriendly, pretentious enough to dislike happy and silly games and stupid enough to be unable to play intellectual ball with the big girls. I'm addicted to my iPod. I talk about myself all the time, making up shit to fill up a life that really always consisted of me and a keyboard bound to each other, and am not funny no matter how hard I try.
And by God, do I try. I really do.
But I seem to always find myself in the position of the back up friend. The one that you always hang out with when everyone else is busy. Who, when someone more interesting, outgoing, popular appears, still tries to follow you around and feel part of a group. All through middle and high school the idiot amongst people who casually discuss philosophy and physics, playing instead with Harry Potter and Fire Emblem. And I thought I could stop that in college, start up again, feel good about myself. Be really friendly.
I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. I say hi to people. I ask them how their days go. I hold doors and don't invite myself in, I lend money to people who need it and don't badger, I wait for people, ask how days go. I hold stuff and walk with people if they need to talk. I even try and fall asleep with the lights on so my roommate doesn't have to work in the dark. And I'm still getting talked over and left behind by my friends. Even my best friend, who I thought I finally found someone who could give a crap about me on a more constant basis, seems to be enjoying time with other people over me.
So now, like the last few years, I'm sitting and feeling bad about myself instead of changing how I behave, treating someone like garbage because they snubbed me, and being the kind of clingy brat I was in third grade when Christina Torres hung out with Jessica Leares instead of me.
But, just what the hell am I doing wrong? Why'm I always a throwaway friend and never a best friend?
I'm anti-social and unfriendly, pretentious enough to dislike happy and silly games and stupid enough to be unable to play intellectual ball with the big girls. I'm addicted to my iPod. I talk about myself all the time, making up shit to fill up a life that really always consisted of me and a keyboard bound to each other, and am not funny no matter how hard I try.
And by God, do I try. I really do.
But I seem to always find myself in the position of the back up friend. The one that you always hang out with when everyone else is busy. Who, when someone more interesting, outgoing, popular appears, still tries to follow you around and feel part of a group. All through middle and high school the idiot amongst people who casually discuss philosophy and physics, playing instead with Harry Potter and Fire Emblem. And I thought I could stop that in college, start up again, feel good about myself. Be really friendly.
I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. I say hi to people. I ask them how their days go. I hold doors and don't invite myself in, I lend money to people who need it and don't badger, I wait for people, ask how days go. I hold stuff and walk with people if they need to talk. I even try and fall asleep with the lights on so my roommate doesn't have to work in the dark. And I'm still getting talked over and left behind by my friends. Even my best friend, who I thought I finally found someone who could give a crap about me on a more constant basis, seems to be enjoying time with other people over me.
So now, like the last few years, I'm sitting and feeling bad about myself instead of changing how I behave, treating someone like garbage because they snubbed me, and being the kind of clingy brat I was in third grade when Christina Torres hung out with Jessica Leares instead of me.
But, just what the hell am I doing wrong? Why'm I always a throwaway friend and never a best friend?