Fic: The Eight Loves of Katie Fitch (and the one that might work) (2)

[em_sh]

five.

Katie leans against the wall of Naomi’s house and tries to calm herself down. Emily’s turned into a right fucking cow, and Naomi, she’s clearly fucked everything up. And Katie’s had enough of fuck ups. She’s fed up of having to fix other people’s fuck ups when she should be dealing with her own problems.

Effy was wearing the same clothes at the barbeque as she had been earlier that morning, and Katie had to remember very clearly that it didn’t happen. It wasn’t as difficult as it could have been, given how much had already happened today, even before Emily’s outburst happened and this has got to be the worst twenty-four hours of her life thus far.

She huffs before pushing herself off the wall and marching back into the house, because clearly this is going to be up to her to sort again. Just like the Love Ball Emily will be too busy being the victim, so Katie, again, is going to have to speak up for her and kick Naomi’s arse to the curb.

There’s a complete sense of déjà vu, the stomping up the stairs, and the rage that she feels at Naomi fucking Campbell for fucking everything up, at Emily for being so naïve. There’s only one thing, though, this time, that feels a bit different. And it’s difficult to say exactly what. She has this sense of being let down, being disappointed, and that shouldn’t belong here, because she knows Naomi’s a fuck up and she knows that she’s nothing but bad news for Emily.

And yet, at some point, she’s managed to forget it. And yeah, she’s had other things on her mind, and yeah, she told Emily that if she wanted to go off and be a massive dyke then whatever, but it still comes as somewhat of a surprise that she feels this. That she feels anything.

She takes a deep breath, sets herself up, before throwing their bedroom door open, and is all ready to launch into her speech - it’s second nature by now and she doesn’t even need to think about what she’s going to say - when she’s caught off guard by the sight of Naomi with her back to Katie, throwing clothes into a bag.

“What the fuck Naomi?”

Naomi’s shoulders slump as soon as she realises she’s been caught. “Don’t,” she says, but it’s not a command, more like a request, a plea, and Naomi’s voice wavers over the word.

Katie, of course, ignores it. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Naomi doesn’t respond, just continues raking through drawers.

“Are you leaving her?”

Her hand stills, but she doesn’t turn around. “I…”

“You’re such a coward! You absolute shit,” Katie says, stepping forward and getting ready for the confrontation.

Naomi turns round then, but instead of this being like the Love Ball and them both being riled up and ready to fight, Naomi just…gives up. She nods. “Yeah.”

It stops Katie in her tracks, the look on Naomi’s face, the tear marks still fresh, the brokenness, the defeat written all over her because this isn’t what she’s used to dealing with. She doesn’t know what she’s meant to do with this type of Naomi.

“I think…Effy’s, maybe. I mean, she won’t judge, can’t judge, I guess. I’ve not asked, but,” she trails off with a shrug.

Katie scrunches her brows together, trying to make sense of this new information. “But this… It’s your house.”

Naomi sits on the edge of the bed, rests her head in her hands. “I fucked up. Katie, I fucked up.”

She should be happy, maybe. Or at least she should feel vindicated, because Katie was right all along, and she knew it, and she told them both that this was never going to work, and yet. Yet, here she is watching Naomi sob into her hands because she fucked up just like Katie knew she would, and instead of what she should feel, she feels sorry for her.

Katie sits down on the bed, leaving a carefully judged inch of space between them, and waits.

“She wanted everything. And I just, I wanted to, but I just didn’t know how. And I thought, I thought that, if I just kept something. And I fucked up.” She wipes some tears away with the edge of her god-awful cardigan, and looks at Katie, her eyes set, hardened almost. “I hate myself already, Katie, so you do whatever you have to, but I can’t feel any worse.”

She’s distraught, Katie realises, and again, it comes as a surprise. Naomi Campbell, the one that casually flipped Katie off for years and took the piss and looked down her nose at her, is sitting next to her with tears streaming down her face because of what she’s done.

“You can fix it though?” Katie asks, and is a bit embarrassed to realise that it comes out as a question.

Naomi shrugs and shakes her head, lost. “I don’t even know anymore. Like, I dunno, it’s like I’ve forgotten her - its fucking ridiculous, fucking pathetic,” she sniffs. “I can’t even remember how she is, how we worked before and if I can’t remember then how do I know it’s right?”

Katie loves her sister. More than anything. More than anyone. It’s why she does it. Not for Naomi or to experiment or anything like that, but for her sister. That’s why she kisses Naomi like she’s seen Emily do. As if she means it, and as if it matters. As if her whole fucking world depended on it. Naomi lets her, doesn’t do anything other than sit there dumbly, because like she’d ever get a clue.

“You’d better fucking remember Naomi,” Katie says when she pulls away. “You’d better fucking fix this, because that’s my sister, and I will fucking kill you if you fuck this up any more.”

Naomi doesn’t say anything, she still looks completely blank and Katie rolls her eyes at the tit that her sister thinks she’s fallen in love with. Ridiculous, the pair of them, she thinks, making her way towards the bathroom, where she can take a bath and finally have some time to herself.

six.

College has turned to shit. Everything has turned to shit. Fuck Naomi for fucking up in the first place. Fuck Emily for not listening when she was told. Fuck Sam for that stupid wank job dance he did. Fuck Thomas for locking them in a bathroom together and making her talk.

And it's not exactly easy living in that god-damned caravan, especially when she's sharing with James. It's no wonder Emily doesn't want to come home - if it could even be called that.

And now there’s college. She's not seen Effy in weeks. She's been avoiding Naomi ever since her mental breakdown, so she's not seen Emily much either, because for some reason, even though they've fallen out and aren't talking, they've still got to be around each other. Katie wonders about love, and if that is it, them. Still needing someone even though every time you see them it's like getting punched in the gut. She doesn't want that, what they've got now. She was jealous, for a time, perhaps. But really, if this is what it does, then no. She doesn't want that.

Some people are meant to be alone. Katie's never thought she was one of them. That was Emily's place in things, that was how it was meant to go. Except everything got turned upside down and nobody told Katie, nobody checked if that was all right by her.

It's not. It's never going to be, and yet. Yet, it's where she's ended up, as one of those people who are destined to be alone.

"Um, excuse me?"

Katie looks up from her nails to see JJ hovering nervously over her. "Yes?" she asks, a little surprised, because her and JJ don't often speak. Never really had the need to, apart from that time when he did some of her and Freddie's coursework for them so they could hang out together. It was a little shit of them on reflection, but JJ didn't seem to mind, so it couldn't have been that bad.

"I was just wondering if you were overstressed perhaps?"

Katie frowns. "What?"

"Well, I'm far from what could be described as an expert, but I mutter when I'm stressed or I'm stressed because I mutter. Causality and effect you see, they're not the same thing, even though they may often seem it. But - "

"I'm fine JJ," she says, but even to her ear it doesn't sound convincing.

JJ sits down. "Sometimes I say I'm fine when I'm not. Cook and Freddie don't notice anymore."

Katie doesn't say anything. She feels bad for him, that his best mates have fucked him over so badly for the last year and a half. It's shit for him. But things are shit for her too, so what's she meant to do?

"I'm one of those alone people, you know."

She looks across at him.

"You were saying, muttering, about people being alone. That's me. I'm one of them, I think. I didn't used to be, because I had friends. Best friends. But I don't now, and I've never had a girlfriend, because no one wants to date a retard whose only sexual experience is limited to a one time charity shag from a lesbian who very definitely does not like cock.”

Katie pulls a face that lets JJ know exactly what she thinks about that sort of information.

“Oh. Sorry, that was inappropriate, wasn't it? The sex was very nice though, I think, I mean, I don't have much of a benchmark, and she... shit, inappropriate, fucking shit. Right. I'll stop. Sorry."

Katie rests her head in her hands and sighs. "It's all gone to shit Jay."

She talks. She tells him everything; even about the kids thing, which he's surprisingly calm about - "unpredictable things, babies. Can't say I'm much of a fan" - and she doesn't know if it helps, if it's better or worse, but it's not alone, and for now, that's a step in the right direction.

He's listening, and she's beginning to understand what might have possessed Emily last year, because not only has he helped her, but there's maybe something she can do for him.

---

They end up back at the caravan, so it's going to be a bit of a squeeze, but it's vastly preferable to the inevitable comparisons if they were to go back to his place.

"This isn't charity," Katie says, as she pulls her cardigan off. "Just so you know. I don't do charity, right, so don't think that it is."

He looks at her in surprise. "Um, what? What isn't charity?"

Katie's suddenly less surefooted. She's certain she's done everything right; he's here after all, in her room. But he seems to be completely clueless about what he's doing there. There's not much she can do to make this any more obvious than it surely already is, so she does the only thing left. "This," she says, before kissing him softly.

"Oh," JJ replies in an extremely strangled voice. "Oh. Are you... Is this... Are you sure? I mean...why?"

She hesitates again, but recovers quickly. "I'm going to teach you. So you’re not going to be alone anymore."

“But-”

Katie holds up a hand to shut him up. “I’m a good teacher, Jay, so don’t think I’m not going to get anything out of it.”

“Oh.”

---

Katie works out pretty quickly that stamina is going to be an issue here. JJ can’t concentrate on anything for very long before he’s breaking into a sweat and muttering to himself.

It’s no fucking wonder this sealed the deal for Emily on the lesbian thing, because if she thought this was the standard that she could expect from the whole of the male population, then yeah, Katie’d be considering her options as well.

“JJ, stop,” she instructs, pulling him up so he’s looking at her, and not her tits. He hasn’t even done anything yet, and already he’s on the edge. “You need to think of something not sexy.”

JJ nods furiously, mutters “not sexy, right, got it, no problem,” but much like JJ wasn’t fooled when Katie said she was fine, she’s not fooled when he says he’s got this.

“Something you’re good at, yeah? Like chemistry, you do that right?” She waits until he nods confirmation. “Ok, well think of that table thing, whatever the hell it’s called, and name the letters.”

“The periodic table? You want me to name the elements of the periodic table?”

“Yes,” she replies, grabbing his hands, and putting them on her tits. “That’s what I want you to do.”

He starts with hydrogen.

Katie will never look at chemistry the same way again.

---

When they’re finished, and getting re-dressed, they don’t talk about it.

“I need to go pick up an outfit for the festival tomorrow. Are you going?”

“Me? Oh. No. No, there’s too many people and crowds and it’s quite loud and no. It’s not really something I’d enjoy.”

“Oh. Ok.” Katie stands and adjusts her bra straps. “Well, do you want to walk me to the shop, then? You know, for company.”

JJ smiles. “Yes, yes, I think that would be nice.”

“Cool, come on then, before my mum gets back.”

seven.

Living in a caravan is probably the worst thing she’s ever had to do in her life. Mainly it’s because she’s sharing a room with James and she swears that she’s heard him wanking at night, even though she threatened him on pain of death that he’d better fucking not.

In the caravan, she feels things happen. Like a knock on the door. That’s not just a sound anymore, but rather a vibration that flows through the whole place. And her dad’s voice, that booms and the floor shakes in response, but it’s nothing in comparison to how it bounces as Pandora comes bounding down the tiny corridor singing out her hellos to anyone that’ll listen.

The door springs back on its hinges when Pandora throws it open. She takes one look at Katie, who’s sitting on the bed, still in her dressing gown, and her face falls. “Hurry up slowpoke, you’re not ready yet,” she says.

Katie offers a small smile. “Yeah, I’ll just be a minute.” It’s enough for Pandora’s grin to be restored.

Somewhere along the line, she’s really not sure where, Pandora’s become one of her friends. And not just one of the friends that you keep around to make you look good in comparison, but an actual friend that’s worth having around. That Katie enjoys spending time with.

It’s a bizarre turn of events. At the start of college, she’d have given up all of her fake Prada bags - the ones that she had to get down on her knees, quite literally, and beg Danny to buy for her - to be best mates with Effy Stonem. If someone had of asked her who Pandora Moon was then she wouldn’t have had a clue, much less given a shit.

But Pandora is the one who is sitting next to her on the bed now, chatting away quite happily about the caravan that Katie’s living in and saying that she thinks that the walls being so thin is actually quite a nice feature, because that way you could play a game of Chinese whispers through them.

Katie snorts in response - it’s the sort of thing that she sort of both admires and finds completely frustrating about Pandora. There’s always a positive. Can’t have kids? Great, you can have as much monkey as you like, and it will mean your bits will never get messed up. Lost your house? Think of the fun you can have in a caravan, it’s like being on holiday all of the time. Dad’s lost his job? You’ll get to spend all of your time together now. There’s always a fucking positive.

But there’s one thing that even Pandora can’t find a positive in, because it simply doesn’t exist.

Katie sighs, and pushes herself up off the bed. “What time does visiting start, again?”

“Two o’clock,” Pandora replies confidently. “I went round to see Anthea to see if she’d give us a lift, but she didn’t answer, so she must’ve already gone and we’ll need to take the bus, but that’s ok cause I have some of my mum’s super saver tickets. Cool, huh?”

Katie hums in mild agreement and raises her hand to open her wardrobe, but hesitates at the last moment. “Panda…aren’t you scared?”

“Of what? I’m scared of spiders. It’s because they’ve got eight legs, I think, and it’s just too much, really.”

Katie shakes her head. This is all too much, is what she wants to shout. She shouldn’t have to deal with girls who tried to kill her trying to kill themselves. Let alone any that... - she’s not thinking about it. This is all too much. Katie sighs and rubs her hand over her forehead. “What if she’s… I mean, she’s pretty much destroyed Freddie, and what if she… Well, she might not want to see us.”

Pandora dismisses it with a shake of her head. “Oh no. Of course she would. Whenever I’m sick then I always want to see my friends, but mum says I can’t in case of disease spreading. But you can’t catch attempted suicide, I checked.”

Katie ignores the way her stomach tightens even further at the word suicide, pretends that it doesn’t bring back memories of blood, so red, such red blood staining her outfit, covering the floors, dripping from long jagged lines on Effy’s wrists, seeping through Freddie’s t-shirt. She shakes her head free, like that would really work in ridding the thoughts trapped inside. It’s been two weeks, and time hasn’t worked at all. She doubts anything ever will.

“I don’t even know though. Like, what are we meant to do?”

“We could do anything, I suppose. So long as it’s happy. Laughter is the best medicine after all, and I think Effy needs quite a lot of that at the moment.”

Pandora makes it all sound so easy. Like, they’ll just be themselves, and that’ll be enough. But it wasn’t enough before, so how could it be enough this time?

She goes back to the routine of picking an outfit from her wardrobe. Something colourful she supposes is right. There’s not really a set of expectations here though, no social conventions to follow, not that she’s aware of anyway, but that’s what Pandora’s got, so that’s what she picks. Nothing garish, that wouldn’t be seemly. No, pastels are best for this, she thinks.

Pandora smiles approvingly as Katie pulls out the top she’s picked.

“Oh!” she exclaims. “I almost forgot. I’ve brought bracelets, me and mum made them. Three of them. One for me and Effy, and then I had to tell mum we had to make an extra one, so you could have one as well. Cause you’re sort of in our gang as well now, right? The three musketeers. Only, you know, girls. Girl power, yeah?”

Katie looks at the threaded bracelet that Pandora’s holding in her outstretched hand and then takes it with a smile, a weak one, but it’s there all the same. “Yeah, cool. Girl power.”

eight.

It wasn’t meant to happen. The kiss in the bath that is. Well, she did mean to kiss him, it wasn’t like she did it by accident. But the stuff that the kiss started, the friendship thing, she didn’t really mean that.

She likes spending time him, that’s all. Thomas is nice, he’s always been nice, and it’s different from what she’s used to. And what else does she have, now? Effy isn’t much of a conversationalist, never had been, but especially not now. Pandora spends all her spare time in the library (studying, is what she claims, but Katie suspects it might just be an excuse to play extra rounds of Twister with her mum or something equally odd, because Pandora can’t be studying). Naomi and Emily… well there aren’t words for whatever the fuck is going on over there. Cook’s in jail. Was in jail. JJ’s got his girlfriend, and a baby (so much for thinking them unpredictable). Freddie’s in hiding. Or mourning or some other shit, but he’s not in college, and Katie has some pride, she can’t be seen to be chasing after him.

And anyway, Thomas isn’t just some guy, Thomas is interesting, he’s interested.

He’s upset about Effy, really, is what it is. He’s concerned about her, and how Pandora is, how Katie is, Freddie as well. Katie and JJ are the only ones that he sees on a regular basis, but JJ’s not exactly coping, won’t talk about it at all according to Thomas, and he gets all his news through Katie instead.

So they hang out. They talk. He listens. They go for milkshakes. He pays. They go shopping. She pays (most of the time). He runs. She watches.

He says he likes her bracelet. She tells him Pandora made it. He smiles, but it’s sad, and the topic of conversation is changed quickly.

It’s nothing really. He’s just nice. They get on.

That’s all.

(the one that might work.)

Effy smiles when she sees him. That’s how she knows. That, and the “Alright, sis?” he says when he drops his bag on the floor.

They were just sitting watching telly together, it wasn’t even something good, but it was Effy’s pick and seeing as, well, everything that had happened, Katie didn’t bother complaining. She kept herself amused by painting her nails - Passion Pink, which looks well mint now that her hair is darker - instead of paying attention to the film.

Effy’s head shot up when he cleared his throat in the doorway, and in response to his question answers “Tony,” as if she can’t believe what she’s seeing.

They keep looking at each other and it’s fucking weird watching that, but what’s also fucking weird is that the guy in the doorway is proper fit as, not like he was meant to after all the stories that she’s heard about buses hitting him in the face. She’s always had a big mouth, she knows it, but she can’t really control it, and she definitely can’t control the “You’re Tony?” that she blurts.

He turns his head, looks at her properly for the first time, and says, “Sorry, is that a bit complicated for you?”

She colours in embarrassment. “No, it’s just.” She hesitates, and then pulls herself together, remembers to show a bit of attitude. “Aren’t you like, supposed to be a fucking mong or something?”

Effy’s eyebrows twitch faintly upwards while Tony looks her up and down with steely eyes. “Right. And who are you again?”

Effy shoots her a glance before replying on her behalf. “She’s Katie fucking Fitch.” She manages a full four seconds before bursting into laughter, and Katie can’t help herself joining in, leaving Tony looking at them like he suspects Effy isn’t the only one who’s mental.

---

Effy does the smallest of double takes when she next sees her, so small that Katie wonders if it even happened at all.

“What?” She asks.

Effy shakes her head. “Nothing,” she replies and lets her eyes drop down and back up again. “New top?”

Katie frowns. “Yeah.” It was a bit of a change from what she’d been wearing over the last while but she knew she could pull it off, because it fits her in all the right places and she hasn’t lost it, so of course Effy was going to notice. But it was more the way that Effy asked about it that makes Katie suspicious. “Why?”

“Nothing,” Effy says again, with a definite smirk.

Katie crosses her arms across her chest self-consciously just as Tony rounds the corner.

“Hi Katie. To what do we owe this pleasure?”

Effy places her hand on Katie’s shoulder and turns to him. “Just saying Katie’s got a new top.”

Tony hums in response, but he’s not paying any attention to anything other than her tits, and Katie notes it with some satisfaction.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Effy prompts sharply.

“Oh,” he says, snapping his attention back to her face. “Yeah. It’s nice, Katie. The, uh, top.”

Effy rolls her eyes at him. “We’re going out. Fags.”

---

Effy has good days and bad days.

The good days are ok, the bad days…well. Katie doesn’t like to think about them, only knows they just have to get through it in order to get to the next good day.

But they do get through them. And with Tony there it’s easier. Not easy, definitely not that. But Tony’s very presence in the house seems to calm everything, slows it down and everything becomes less intense.

So he’s good to have around, and Katie’s glad he’s there. He’s useless, of course, because he’s still a man and he has no concept of how to do washing, cooking, cleaning or, like, anything practical in the slightest. But he keeps her amused. And it helps that he’s quite nice to look at.

---

It’s a good day.

Effy says it casually, just drops it in at a random point in one of their conversations (it’s a very loose term that, for what they really do. Really, Katie talks and sometimes Effy listens, sometimes she only pretends to, but it passes the time well enough and it’s better than total silence, so Katie lets it go). “He likes you, you know.”

“What? Who?”

“And you like him.”

Katie flushes immediately, which probably contradicts the “no,” that she manages to squeak.

Effy raises her eyebrows briefly, but drops it, and Katie slowly manages to regain her composure. She doesn’t fancy Tony. He’s just nice and like, yeah, she’s thought about kissing him, what it would be like, but only because she hasn’t had any in a while and she has fucking needs alright, but she doesn’t need Tony fucking Stonem to help her meet them.

---

He is hot though.

---

“Whatever, enjoy your fucking tan, alright?” She punches the disconnect button with venom.

Emily’s having a great time. Beaches, cocktails, love. Katie’s got dead ex-boyfriends, depressed best friends and loneliness. Great. Real fucking fair.

A throat clearing behind her makes her spin round. Tony’s watching her with his eyebrows quirked slightly. “Everything ok?”

“My sister.” Katie waves her hand in the air dismissively and doesn’t offer any further explanation.

“Ah. I’ve heard about you two.” He shrugs. “Effy.”

Katie rolls her eyes. “I don’t mean to be a bitch.”

Tony looks at her for a very long time, and it hits Katie suddenly, a real reminder that, yeah, right, him and Effy are related, no matter how different they seem most of the time. “Mm. But it’d be a shame to waste such talent, wouldn’t it?”

By the time she’s told him to fuck off, they’re both laughing.

---

On her next good day, Effy tries again.

“You know, I don’t need a babysitter,” she says, stretching across the table to slide her packet of cigarettes into reach.

“For fuck’s sake Effy, I’m your friend, yeah?”

Effy ignores her completely. “And yet here I am with two.”

“What the hell Effy?”

Effy shrugs, sitting back in the sofa and lights up. Katie snatches the lighter out of her hand and helps herself.

---

It’s a bad day.

Effy’s in bed, and they’re sitting in the living room spliffing up, because on the bad days, it’s all they can do.

When he’s high, Tony talks. Philosophises, is what he calls it. Sounding like a twat is what she calls it.

She knows it’s coming, because he gets this serious look on his face, starts rubbing his hand along his jaw, taps the fingers on his other hand restlessly against the couch. “You know,” he starts. It always starts with “you know,” and one day, Katie’s going to tell him that, no, she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything about the sort of stuff he comes out with, because she’s really not that smart, but for right now she’s all right with listening. “I’m going to live forever.”

Katie snorts in response. “What the fuck are you on about?”

“Well,” he says, warming to his theme. “They say you die twice. The first time, right, that’s when you stop breathing. The second time though, you know, later on, it’s the last time someone says your name.” Tony takes another drag and looks serious, too serious given that they’re meant to be chilling the fuck out right now, and then all of a sudden, he switches again, and there’s a glint in his eyes instead, a bit of danger, excitement perhaps. “Me? I’m going to live forever. You wanna come along for the ride?”

She looks at him carefully. “You know, you really are as mental as your sister, babes.”

Tony raises his eyebrows and then nods in agreement. “Just Banksy. And well, me, a bit. Sorry,” he says, and waves the joint. “Too much probably. Not quite as young as some.”

She smirks at him, because it’s not often she gets one up, but he doesn’t take it lying down. He grabs her by the waist, rugby tackles her to the ground. She squeals, but he ignores her and pins her arms to the floor.

“Shut up,” he growls, but he’s trying not to laugh, she can see it, and she can’t help starting to laugh as well.

“You’re going to make me?”

He lets it go then, his laugh, and when he kisses her, Katie thinks, oh.

Love.

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