too long...
ok so im updating, and as everyone has probably noticed i only update when somethine extremely exciting has happened (rare) or when i want to rant and rave and complain (almost always)
well...this time im actually complaining about myself- i need to do something with everything that ive been thinking and feeling, so im typing it here:
i hate it when i feel like im doing something SO right and i believe in it so much, so i get really into it, and then i realize im dead wrong. ugh. but i have a really big problem that im too proud to admit that im wrong, so i just keep fighting
i hate it soo much
right now i feel like one of the biggest bitches. BIGGEST. i feel like whenever i keep fighting for something i know is wrong- im just making other people feel worse, cuz inside, im pissed that i was wrong so i take my anger out on whoever steps in my path
so other than the fact that im wrong, and keep arguing about it, ive now made it worse for other people. and that makes me feel like shitttt
even though this might not seem like a big problem...it is, cuz 50% of the time im wrong. so that means half of my life is spent being internally mad and taking it out on people like my family and my friends. it sucks. and i know people are like "yeah its tough growing up, hormones, etc" thats not it. i think that im actually a really big bitch inside and it shows realllyyy badly whenever i get super pissed off. whats even worse is that the same 4 people always see the bitch in me. sometimes i wonder if thats all they see in me. i wonder if to them im just "the bitch they have to deal with everyday"
whats worse than being a bitch? actually acknowledging that you are. now that ive written it out its become drilled into my mind and i feel so baddd i just want to make everything right, but i cant. everything i do- thats it. its done. i cant turn back time, i can just say im sorry. sometimes i can say sorry, cuz i didnt explode tooo much, but sometimes i made it such a big deal that im too embarassed and ashamed to say that im sorry. so now what? what happens that one day when i completely ruin a relationship cuz i exploded and i cant just swallow my pride to say im sorry? thats it? its over- the person i love is gone.
i dont know what to do. i thought writing in here would just help me sort things out, and it did- but it didnt give me any solution whatsoever.
i dont want to have this side of me that rarely shows. i want it gone. i just want to be the happy elyse who laughs at eveyrthing- including the stupidest joke ever and who loves to just sit on the fone with people and talk about absolutely nothing, but i cant be. because im always going to have a percentage of me that is just waiting to talk about something where i end up wrong, and end up becoming the bitch.
well...this time im actually complaining about myself- i need to do something with everything that ive been thinking and feeling, so im typing it here:
i hate it when i feel like im doing something SO right and i believe in it so much, so i get really into it, and then i realize im dead wrong. ugh. but i have a really big problem that im too proud to admit that im wrong, so i just keep fighting
i hate it soo much
right now i feel like one of the biggest bitches. BIGGEST. i feel like whenever i keep fighting for something i know is wrong- im just making other people feel worse, cuz inside, im pissed that i was wrong so i take my anger out on whoever steps in my path
so other than the fact that im wrong, and keep arguing about it, ive now made it worse for other people. and that makes me feel like shitttt
even though this might not seem like a big problem...it is, cuz 50% of the time im wrong. so that means half of my life is spent being internally mad and taking it out on people like my family and my friends. it sucks. and i know people are like "yeah its tough growing up, hormones, etc" thats not it. i think that im actually a really big bitch inside and it shows realllyyy badly whenever i get super pissed off. whats even worse is that the same 4 people always see the bitch in me. sometimes i wonder if thats all they see in me. i wonder if to them im just "the bitch they have to deal with everyday"
whats worse than being a bitch? actually acknowledging that you are. now that ive written it out its become drilled into my mind and i feel so baddd i just want to make everything right, but i cant. everything i do- thats it. its done. i cant turn back time, i can just say im sorry. sometimes i can say sorry, cuz i didnt explode tooo much, but sometimes i made it such a big deal that im too embarassed and ashamed to say that im sorry. so now what? what happens that one day when i completely ruin a relationship cuz i exploded and i cant just swallow my pride to say im sorry? thats it? its over- the person i love is gone.
i dont know what to do. i thought writing in here would just help me sort things out, and it did- but it didnt give me any solution whatsoever.
i dont want to have this side of me that rarely shows. i want it gone. i just want to be the happy elyse who laughs at eveyrthing- including the stupidest joke ever and who loves to just sit on the fone with people and talk about absolutely nothing, but i cant be. because im always going to have a percentage of me that is just waiting to talk about something where i end up wrong, and end up becoming the bitch.