Random thoughts in the early morning hours.
- I can remember when I was being potty trained. I must have been one or two years old at the time. The reason I think the memory is so vivid is because it was the first fight I can remember my parents having. They were arguing over how I should take a piss. My mother said that when I was done I should take some toilet paper and wipe the end of my prick (or Mickey Mouse as she called it) and my father insisted that I was a boy and as such I should shake it. Very confused but eager to please them I did both and being a creature of habit I still do to this day. I was always trying to make peace and offer compromises even then.
- My roommate Ric has this dog, a Chinese shar pei, and he’s a sweet dog for the most part but he’s disgusting. He smells and he drools and nobody likes him except Ric. I see how people just shy away and keep their distance and it sort of reminds me of myself. Sure he’s sweet but you don’t want him sitting on the couch next to you. That’s how I see myself. I have bred so much self loathing that sometimes I feel like gnawing on myself the same way the dog does just so I might feel something.
- Why are the twisty ties on a loaf of bread so difficult to find? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had tie the bag into a knot because these camouflaged motherfuckers go AWOL the moment you lay them on the counter while trying to make a fucking sandwich. Apparently the cowards can’t handle the stress of a simple task like securing a loaf of bread.
- I recently made contact with a neighbor I used to have and she asked if I ever made it to Saturday Night Live. I was surprised that she remembered something like the fact that ten years ago that was my dream (and still is) but disappointed that the report was no I had not made it…yet.
- If I was six inches taller I could rule the world. I seriously think the English would have surrendered at Waterloo if Napoleon were not so short. They didn’t respect him.