Nausea and Delirium
So I spent New Year’s Eve with my mom and brother. Several reasons there.
1) No Cash.
2) Everyone else was busy with their own thing.
3) Most Importantly, I hadn’t spent enough time with my family this past year.
All in all it was nice to just sit around and get high with Mom and Dan. We watched Crash and I learned that I can cry like a baby when I get high. At about ten till midnight we all went upstairs to watch the ball drop in New York which was a bit depressing watching the everlasting one, Dick Clark, slur as he counted down; reminded me of my grandpa. After the ball dropped on another seemingly uneventful year for me we unquorked a bottle of cheap champaign, toasted the new year and pretended to know the words to Auld Lang Syne. Lot of Na na na na na hmm hmm hmms there. So then we went down continued our movies and got a little more baked. We all found it quaintly humorous that it seemed as though we had not smoked since last year. I ended up finishing everyone’s champaign (except for Crazy Nancy’s, the lush) and then polished off the bottle. It was a quiet evening with the exception of a couple of loud phone calls I made and a, thankfully brief, visit from our cousins Heather and Brooke.
As everyone drifted off to sleep I was left awake and restless thinking about what I may have missed that night and more collectively the past year. I’ve always been that way. When I was a child my mother had to pin me down until I finally gave up and passed out just to get me to sleep at night. I suppose that’s why I still sit at the computer typing even now at 5:39 in the morning. So afraid that I might fall asleep and miss something. I had the revelation sometime between 6:00 and 8:30AM on the morning of the first that I live my life waiting in eager anticipation of some unknown event. There are some things I can try to fill that blank spot with. Someone loving me, being on T.V. or in the movies, opening my store having a child or any number of the scenes in my life’s future even death (not such a morbid thing) but I know that beyond these dreams there lies something else. Something less tangible. This is my purpose... always waiting, always watching not knowing quite what for but hoping I have the sense to see it when it does come into view.
God, don’t let me miss it?
1) No Cash.
2) Everyone else was busy with their own thing.
3) Most Importantly, I hadn’t spent enough time with my family this past year.
All in all it was nice to just sit around and get high with Mom and Dan. We watched Crash and I learned that I can cry like a baby when I get high. At about ten till midnight we all went upstairs to watch the ball drop in New York which was a bit depressing watching the everlasting one, Dick Clark, slur as he counted down; reminded me of my grandpa. After the ball dropped on another seemingly uneventful year for me we unquorked a bottle of cheap champaign, toasted the new year and pretended to know the words to Auld Lang Syne. Lot of Na na na na na hmm hmm hmms there. So then we went down continued our movies and got a little more baked. We all found it quaintly humorous that it seemed as though we had not smoked since last year. I ended up finishing everyone’s champaign (except for Crazy Nancy’s, the lush) and then polished off the bottle. It was a quiet evening with the exception of a couple of loud phone calls I made and a, thankfully brief, visit from our cousins Heather and Brooke.
As everyone drifted off to sleep I was left awake and restless thinking about what I may have missed that night and more collectively the past year. I’ve always been that way. When I was a child my mother had to pin me down until I finally gave up and passed out just to get me to sleep at night. I suppose that’s why I still sit at the computer typing even now at 5:39 in the morning. So afraid that I might fall asleep and miss something. I had the revelation sometime between 6:00 and 8:30AM on the morning of the first that I live my life waiting in eager anticipation of some unknown event. There are some things I can try to fill that blank spot with. Someone loving me, being on T.V. or in the movies, opening my store having a child or any number of the scenes in my life’s future even death (not such a morbid thing) but I know that beyond these dreams there lies something else. Something less tangible. This is my purpose... always waiting, always watching not knowing quite what for but hoping I have the sense to see it when it does come into view.
God, don’t let me miss it?