If I'm mad, I'd get mad.
Too much, overloaded, stop.
Clear.
Coughing fit to burst a lung, but my head's finally clear for the first time in a long while.
I love photography. I want to always take photos of what I love. I'm not crazy about the technical details because honestly, I don't really care if that sigma lens is the greatest thing that was ever invented if all you take are shit photos. I can fall in love with your photography, or I can not. The photos, the stories, and what you stand for will move me more than your equipment. If that phone and instagram helps you take beautiful pictures and tell meaningful stories, more strength to you.
But I don't have to do what I love for a living. I don't have to be that award winning National Geographic photographer. My dream is simpler. I want to always keep taking photos of what I love, and be honest to what I believe in, and work to make a difference. If that leads me to success, so be it, but I don't need your acknowledgement to tell me I'm successful. I could be that casual photographer that does things that move you for the second it takes you to peruse it. Call it lack of ambition, but a love for beautiful things is all that really drives me to love photography as much as I do.
It's the same with cosplay. Cosplayers love beautiful things. The fanfics they spin in their heads and the late nights rushing costumes and the post-event edits are all in a bid to get a little closer to that ideal of beauty they have in their mind. It's also the same with facial products, or cosmetics, or that latest fashion must have. People just chase different ideal and standards of beauty. I'm not even an avid cosplayer. I like cosplay, I do dress up, I work hard on the details, but I don't obsess over everything about cosplay and I don't have to.
I don't like to drink because the taste puts me off and the vomiting makes me feel sick. If I drank, it's for the company (and the occasional rare discovery of a good cocktail). I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. I like clubbing but not with random people. People motivate me but people also get me down. The people whose company I like to seek out might be few, but they are dear to me because when I go home after a night out with them, I feel energised and clearer and happier than I was before meeting them. I like what I like but I don't need to apologise that my interest in something is less than yours. I hate what I hate but that doesn't mean I must always act on them to prove anything. Tell me what you think because I want to know, but I'd make my own decisions eventually.
My hobbies and interests are just that. Who died and dictated that I had to live my passion and make my dream my work? It might be lovely to. I will follow where my feet lead me. But I don't need to fear that I will fail or that my best will not be as good or as amazing because at the end of the day, work is work and I am not my work. I can fail and not be a failure, I can succeed and not be happy, and no matter how it turns out, I'm still damn lucky to be able to choose which path I want to take because my paths are not limited by my education or driven by a need to survive each day.
I haven't been alright for a while. I've been trying to fit into my ideal mould of what it means to be a good salesgirl (the best service I can provide), a good colleague (one that everyone loves) and a good employee (one that solves all their problems). I've been stressing over the fact that it doesn't feel like a stable job and worried about my parents' face. It's tiring. I'm sick because of that. My cough hasn't abated, and in fact, has gotten worse, over two weeks when the pressure has been building up unnoticed for much, much longer. I will continue to work harder, but it's not for the money, or for anyone, or to prove something. I just want to give everything I do my best shot, and if my best isn't enough, then it isn't.
So what if I like to live in ideals and talk in simple terms and aspire to work hard to be the best I can without stepping on others? If naivete is a crime then so is jadedness. I know people are self-serving. I know ideals don't feed people. I know what I say and what I do may not always work out the way I want them to. I'd take responsibility for all of them anyway because my mistakes are my own. If my actions implicate others, I'm sorry but I'm trying my freaking best to have a clear conscience in what I do and if that's not enough for you, do it yourself.
If life deals me shit, I'd deal with it and be thankful for the people who walk with me through it. I need to thank my family because they've been very supportive even though they're worried and scared for me, but just because shit happens doesn't mean my ideals are wrong and I can't live by them or work to make life better.
Clear.
Coughing fit to burst a lung, but my head's finally clear for the first time in a long while.
I love photography. I want to always take photos of what I love. I'm not crazy about the technical details because honestly, I don't really care if that sigma lens is the greatest thing that was ever invented if all you take are shit photos. I can fall in love with your photography, or I can not. The photos, the stories, and what you stand for will move me more than your equipment. If that phone and instagram helps you take beautiful pictures and tell meaningful stories, more strength to you.
But I don't have to do what I love for a living. I don't have to be that award winning National Geographic photographer. My dream is simpler. I want to always keep taking photos of what I love, and be honest to what I believe in, and work to make a difference. If that leads me to success, so be it, but I don't need your acknowledgement to tell me I'm successful. I could be that casual photographer that does things that move you for the second it takes you to peruse it. Call it lack of ambition, but a love for beautiful things is all that really drives me to love photography as much as I do.
It's the same with cosplay. Cosplayers love beautiful things. The fanfics they spin in their heads and the late nights rushing costumes and the post-event edits are all in a bid to get a little closer to that ideal of beauty they have in their mind. It's also the same with facial products, or cosmetics, or that latest fashion must have. People just chase different ideal and standards of beauty. I'm not even an avid cosplayer. I like cosplay, I do dress up, I work hard on the details, but I don't obsess over everything about cosplay and I don't have to.
I don't like to drink because the taste puts me off and the vomiting makes me feel sick. If I drank, it's for the company (and the occasional rare discovery of a good cocktail). I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. I like clubbing but not with random people. People motivate me but people also get me down. The people whose company I like to seek out might be few, but they are dear to me because when I go home after a night out with them, I feel energised and clearer and happier than I was before meeting them. I like what I like but I don't need to apologise that my interest in something is less than yours. I hate what I hate but that doesn't mean I must always act on them to prove anything. Tell me what you think because I want to know, but I'd make my own decisions eventually.
My hobbies and interests are just that. Who died and dictated that I had to live my passion and make my dream my work? It might be lovely to. I will follow where my feet lead me. But I don't need to fear that I will fail or that my best will not be as good or as amazing because at the end of the day, work is work and I am not my work. I can fail and not be a failure, I can succeed and not be happy, and no matter how it turns out, I'm still damn lucky to be able to choose which path I want to take because my paths are not limited by my education or driven by a need to survive each day.
I haven't been alright for a while. I've been trying to fit into my ideal mould of what it means to be a good salesgirl (the best service I can provide), a good colleague (one that everyone loves) and a good employee (one that solves all their problems). I've been stressing over the fact that it doesn't feel like a stable job and worried about my parents' face. It's tiring. I'm sick because of that. My cough hasn't abated, and in fact, has gotten worse, over two weeks when the pressure has been building up unnoticed for much, much longer. I will continue to work harder, but it's not for the money, or for anyone, or to prove something. I just want to give everything I do my best shot, and if my best isn't enough, then it isn't.
So what if I like to live in ideals and talk in simple terms and aspire to work hard to be the best I can without stepping on others? If naivete is a crime then so is jadedness. I know people are self-serving. I know ideals don't feed people. I know what I say and what I do may not always work out the way I want them to. I'd take responsibility for all of them anyway because my mistakes are my own. If my actions implicate others, I'm sorry but I'm trying my freaking best to have a clear conscience in what I do and if that's not enough for you, do it yourself.
If life deals me shit, I'd deal with it and be thankful for the people who walk with me through it. I need to thank my family because they've been very supportive even though they're worried and scared for me, but just because shit happens doesn't mean my ideals are wrong and I can't live by them or work to make life better.