True to Thy Heart
Title: True To Thy Heart
Author: mara93
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer: I disclaim. Merlin belongs to BBC/Shine.
Genre: Episode extender for Episode 4.05. This was supposed to be a short ficlet, but then it just kept growing so here we go.
Spoilers: for episode 4.05 and before, please note.
Characters/Pairings: Arthur/Gwen // Arthur, Gwen, Merlin, Agravaine, Queen Annis, Percival, Elyan, Gaius, Gwaine and minor Leon
Summary: Has the four A’s: angst, amour, adventure and Agravaine…lol. / Gwen trusts her heart in making a choice that will lead her closer to becoming queen and Arthur learns just how brave and influential she can be.
Author’s Note: I enjoyed this ep, but I felt elements were rushed. I wanted to take certain aspects of it into greater depth and it turned into this long story that is kind of AU from the direction of the show. Because of its length I’m going to post it in parts, but it’s completely done. Updates will be frequent, about 2-3 days between. // This is for the wonderful ella_rose88 for her bid for her Help the Fight Against Depression Auction at her fanfic journal: m_in_wonderland
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***
Elyan came to the tent late that night. Earlier he and the other knights had done their best to assure Arthur that they were ready for the battle against Queen Annis and her military. Now, if tomorrow should have harsh result, he had one more thing needed to be said.
The king too had an objective that he would enact when everyone was asleep…
~~~~
“Arthur…”
The king turned around, feeling a hand upon his shoulder.
“Back again Elyan?”
The knight hesitated, taking in the regality of the red tent adorned in the golden Pendragon symbol. It was a temporary dwelling for kings to find slumber. And yet there was something rare about Arthur himself sleeping in it. He wasn’t just a king of nobility, but a warrior king who participated in the battle. And it was only weeks ago that he was prince and slept out in the open with the rest of them.
As Elyan didn’t answer right away, Arthur encouraged him. “You have something to say to me, yes? Tell me Elyan.”
“It is about my sister.”
Arthur’s throat constricted tightly. “Guinevere?”
Elyan smiled a touch. She was named that at birth, but no one ever called her it. Just Arthur.
“You hurt her.”
Guilt slashed through Arthur’s heart at the accusatory words.
“She was distressed before we left Camelot.”
Arthur’s hands flexed against each other, knuckles whitening before filling with blood again. “Was she crying? Angry?”
Elyan could hear the break in voice. One night before their battle, the timing was terrible, but also necessitated.
“Not a bit of either.” Elyan smiled marginally, recalling times of childhood. Even then Gwen was always respectful, sensitive, and yet tough within. She took care of both of them, father and brother. “She told me she understood your decision. That as King you have to do what is right for you and Camelot. She showed more wisdom than me, because I didn’t quite see it that way.”
“Elyan, I-
The knight interrupted. Usually soft spoken, content to remain mostly quiet, Elyan couldn’t do that with this, a matter of family. “Sire, you made me a knight at a time of war, giving me purpose when I lacked it. You are my king that I fully respect, but I’d like to think you are friend to all your knights too.”
“I am.”
“I was a commoner. So were Percival, Lancelot and Gwaine.”
Arthur slowly nodded his head, guiltily for a moment remembering Lancelot’s sacrifice. “Well it was necessary at the time.”
Elyan scrutinized the king sharply, showing where he too had the inner strength that his sister had, intensity that had been born from the mother, father, or both. “But you’re okay with the decision now?”
Arthur quickly gave an affirmative. “You are all fine knights, trustworthy and stalwart.”
“We were not noble born Arthur. As my sister is not. Please do not misunderstand me Sire. I pledged a vow of allegiance to you and I will never dishonor that. But I also came back to Camelot for Gwen. Much of my reason for obtaining knighthood is because of her, that even though I faltered, she still believed in me. And you did. She told me that what you decided she is fine with, because she knows you are struggling with what is right for Camelot.”
Arthur’s ears fixed upon that word ‘struggling’ for it signaled clearly she did know. Even after the way he left her home that night, so rapidly, she got it. “I made-
Elyan wasn’t done. “She told me you are trying to do what is proper for a king. That the past rule of your father weighs in your decisions. And that the council you receive sometimes influences how you act.”
There was no mention of Agravaine, and no insult to his father. Within the cracks though, Arthur heard the disapproval.
“But she’s…she’s my sister Arthur.” Not the most articulate way to state it, but the most meaningful.
The king nodded, reaching for the other man’s hand, clasping it with respect. “You are right to speak for her Elyan. I made a mistake. That’s what I was going to say after you came in. I’ve made a decision about tomorrow.”
“About the battle? What kind of decision Sire?”
Arthur shook his head strongly. “Not your bother. Mine. This is a battle I could have avoided. It was wrong to kill Caerleon. Like it was wrong for my father to have yours and Gwen’s executed.”
Elyan’s lips tightened, his hand simultaneously fisting. He wasn’t there when it happened, and Gwen gave him no more than the shortest details, but he could recall the gentle hard working man who had done his best in their mother’s absence. “Gwen had to go through that alone. Maybe if I hadn’t stayed away so long I could have…helped stop it.”
“I doubt that Elyan. My father had strong sentiments against magic, which I now understand more after the way he died. Sorcery can be truly evil. But your father should have been spared. He was clearly not a sorcerer, or evil. And Caerleon, well he was brusque and foolhardy, but I killed him to make a point. A foolish one. Now that will be remedied.”
“Are you planning something Arthur?”
The king didn’t say anything for a long time, and when he did answer, it was to a different question. “When we return to Camelot I will tell your sister that I was wrong.”
“So you intend to get back together with her?”
“If she will have me.” Arthur spoke solemnly.
Elyan had no idea if after the battle he and the knights would still be alive, which of them would perish. Recalling how tightly his sister hugged him before they departed Camelot, understanding the dangerous nature of the mission they’d embark on tomorrow, he wanted to do this for her just in case…
“Gwen is a noble woman, Arthur, title or not. Any man would be lucky to have her affections and belief.”
“I know that Elyan.”
The knight’s eyes closed for a moment. It wasn’t long ago their father was taken away. What if he came back into her life…only to disappear now? “I want Gwen to be happy. In case I don’t return from the battle tomorrow, I just needed to say this.”
He would not have to worry Arthur thought, as he once again quickly clasped the man’s hand with respect. They’d all understand that in the morning, if his counter proposal of agreement with the queen was honored.
“I know. Your sister’s happiness means a great deal to me too. You will return to her Elyan. Thank you…for being honest with me. You are a noble knight, and a fine brother to Guinevere.”
It was a gentle, but quiet dismissal. Elyan took it with a slight nod of his head, “Thank you Sire. God keep our king.”
He left his sovereign alone then to a decision that was sparked by the one thing Arthur knew most, heart.
Many long moments later, Arthur took a step out of the tent, looking beyond the sleeping courageous knights and his loyal servant, instead to the sky. Finding a star in the darkness that was familiar, he gazed up at it quietly.
“Guinevere…if I don’t make it past tomorrow, I love you…and I am sorry. You are more than appropriate. More than words could say.”
He stepped back inside the tent, draping the blue cloak over his shoulders and head so he would not be easily noticed.
He needed to see the queen.
***
Arthur’s challenge was accepted by Queen Annis. He fought her champion and thankfully won. Then he let her know his objective was not victory, but peace, thus the reason why he spared the man’s life. Now back in Camelot, Arthur was resting in bed as a knock came at the door. He greeted Guinevere with a simple gift of roadside flowers…
~~~
Deep into the kiss, Arthur and Guinevere’s emotions swayed as they backed to his bed. As she felt the rear of mattress against her legs though, she stopped, for a reason that went beyond propriety.
Turning away from her king, Gwen murmured quietly, “I should return to my work. I was only bringing that for you…” She gestured to the iron pitcher.
Arthur thought of making a silly little joke, but the mood didn’t seem to be there. “You’re still upset with me, for what I said that night.”
Creating distance between them, Gwen quickly shook her head. “No Sire. I was not then, and am not now upset. I understand why you did what you did. You are king. And you believed it was the rightful thing to do for Camelot.”
The words were laced with respect, polite dignified kind, as underneath lingered thick ropes of tension. “Guinevere, I realize now that I was wrong in what I did.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” She smiled a little, but those thick ropes had yet to depart.
“I didn’t want to let you go.”
That was enough. She countered strongly. “But you did.”
“Guinevere.”
She pressed against his chest with her hand, feeling through the opened tunic the heat of his skin against two of her fingers. “When…Morgana was here, I knew my role, my place. But now, you are king and what…am I?”
“The woman I love.” Arthur caressed her cheek.
“And beyond?”
He paused, not sure exactly what to say. He knew her role. She told him enough times before, servant. But he also knew that when she was handmaiden to her friend she was more content.
“You can’t even say it Arthur?”
He shook his head strongly. “You’re servant, the best Camelot has. Definitely better than Merlin.” He joked.
She didn’t laugh along, just pressed stronger at his chest, making to get away. “You need your rest.”
Arthur recalled what her brother had told him, gently pressing her deeper into the wood. “Elyan, when we were away, said you were distressed. Upset with me, yes?”
Gwen shook her head. “Elyan didn’t need to say anything. I’m not upset with you. Just…”
“Just what Guinevere?”
Feeling his finger upon her chin and the firmness of the wood against her back, she stated restlessly, “Disappointed. And not sure of…my role now that you are king. Now that…I am not handmaiden.”
“You’ve not been handmaiden for over a year.”
“Yes, but then I was taking care of your father and you weren’t coming to me saying that I was inappropriate for you to be seen with.” She let out, stating it in a way that released more tension than she realized had been inside her.
“You are mad at me.”
She shook her head, giving a touch of council that broadly left her lips without her mind giving much allowance. “A good king does not try to rule alone. And he does not blindly listen to others advice either.”
Arthur’s expression tightened. “Is that what you think I have been-
“What is this about advice?”
Agravaine’s timing was perfect.
Perfectly antagonistic.
Arthur moved away from where he held Guinevere against the door. She pushed past him, straightening her dress without needing to. “My Lord.” She gave a slight bow to Arthur’s uncle.
Agravaine smiled intently. Lovely. Yet foolish and out of place. And as for his young nephew, stubborn and gullible the same.
“Guinevere.”
Arthur started to say, but she was already backing out of the room. “I have work to tend to. If you’ll both excuse me.”
Arthur sighed raggedly. This wasn’t over it seemed.
Agravaine watched intently as the young king kept his back turned away, disgruntled. “I’m so sorry Arthur. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Arthur shrugged it off with his hand. “No. It’s fine.”
Agravaine continued, “I must say though I’m a little shocked. I thought you listened to my advice of before. Although I like her very much, well it’s the people’s views and thoughts on matters like these you should worry about.”
Arthur turned to face his uncle, working inwardly to keep his response tempered. His mood was taut. “Uncle, I appreciate immensely your council.”
“Thank you Arthur.”
“On matters having to do with Camelot. But when it comes to personal ones, and even certain matters of Camelot, I will make my own decisions. I’d be grateful if you’d respect that.”
Agravaine studied the young man for long moments, seeing in his fiercely quiet reaction signs of not just Uther, but a wisdom that went beyond. To someone from the past.
“As you wish Sire. I’ll leave you to your rest Arthur. I know how tired you must be after the fight with Annis’s champion and the long road back to Camelot.”
Arthur didn’t have the desire to say anything more than ‘thank you’. Agravaine left with a courteous bow.
The king moved to the window, looking down upon his kingdom, wishing they hadn’t been interrupted, that he hadn’t been so foolish in the first place.
***
Washboard placed firmly on the bottom of the pan, Gwen scrubbed hard during the late afternoon of day. A voice came from behind, only half joking.
“Well now I know why the two of you are together. You’re perfect for each other. When upset he knocks down punching bags while you abuse innocent bed linens.”
“I am not upset Merlin…” Gwen let out tightly between her lips, feeling how betrayed her answer was by how her teeth gritted against her inner mouth.
“Mad?”
Gwen shook her head at the question.
Merlin smiled encouragingly. “Arthur was. Unhappy with himself for letting you go. He even-
Merlin started to tell her about the ring, but cut himself short. It wasn’t his place to tell. Arthur only wanted him to make the gesture if he didn’t come back.
“What?” Gwen asked curiously.
Merlin shook his head. “Nothing. Look Gwen, I know he sometimes does foolish things. Why do you think I call him a prat, dollophead, cabbage-
“I get the point Merlin.” Gwen sharply interrupted.
“Right.” Merlin smiled again, with that friendly grin of his that widened his lips. “He is under a lot of pressure now Gwen. As king he has to make decisions quickly and he has so many members of council advising him on those decisions. I’m not defending him for what he did to you.”
She lifted her head, giving Merlin a pointed look. “You know…all of it?”
Merlin countered. “He told me only some of it, muttered about it anyway under his breath.”
Gwen’s hand gripped the washboard rigidly. Now that she loved him so and that meant reaching some type of possible commitment, she was weighed by implications. “You are his servant Merlin. But, lately especially, Arthur sees you as more. He takes you with him on missions away from Camelot and he is mindful of your advice.”
Merlin shrugged. “Some of the time anyway. Other times he’s a complete dol-
He stopped there. She had more to say.
“Arthur will be choosing a queen soon Merlin.”
“We know who that will be.” Merlin grinned.
Gwen shook her head with indecision. “I’m not so sure.”
“Gwen’ it’s going to be you!” Merlin insisted.
“He said I was not appropriate for the people.” Gwen stated sadly.
Merlin let out a heavy sigh at her words, reaching for his friend’s hand.
She had been his first in Camelot, well other than Gaius, but he was more like a warm beloved crotchety uncle. When all those vegetables were being thrown at him, she engaged him in conversation…until he warned her about the next batch of flying edible missiles. She was definitely right for queen. “Gwen, you can’t believe that. You should know Arthur never talks about any other woman. It’s always you Gwen. And then it’s quiet. Respectful. You and your happiness matter to him a lot.”
Gwen didn’t doubt that. This really wasn’t about that.
“I want him to be happy too Merlin. Safe. I know he cares, but I have to wonder sometimes what he sees me as. I wonder what my role is. Now with Morgana gone, with Uther gone too, I don’t feel my purpose as strongly. I want to do more than just wait for him as he goes off to battle. I should have to do more than that if one day I am to be become…queen.”
Clasping Merlin’s hand tightly for a second, she got up to her feet, holding the wash bin. “I will see you later Merlin.”
He watched her go, wistful, and without answers.
***
A week later, heading to a boarding room near the castle’s basement, Gwen felt a sudden force upon her arm pulling her underneath a dark overhang. Before she could cry out warm lips crushed hers. She fought for only a moment, recognizing the offender by the clang of chainmail, the scent of battle training and the distinct essence of his mouth. As he let go of his firm grip on her waist she looked up into his blue blaze of watching eyes.
Removing his other hand from behind his back, he whispered, “Well you didn’t try to knock me down so I’m assuming I’m forgiven. But if not, these are for you. You’ll see they’re more carefully chosen than the ones by the roadside.”
She let out a small bit of laughter, shaking her head. “Arthur, there’s nothing to be forgiven. I’m not mad.”
He touched her cheek, giving his assessment. “And yet you’re not happy.”
Gwen looked down at the ground, saying nothing.
Reaching for her chin, he tipped it upward as she held the lavender bouquet of flowers he had gifted her with. “What is it Guinevere?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. I know I upset you.”
She pushed at his chest, feeling the rings of the chainmail at the tips of her fingers. “I was taken aback when you came to me that night. But I understand. You had to think about your place as king.”
Arthur let out a ragged sigh, shamed he had listened to his uncle in the first place. He fought his father furiously for her and then his uncle tells him to let her go and…
He does?
It was the new pressures of being king perhaps. Sometimes he’d give the world to return to the watchful learning role of prince. To have his father back, advising him strongly.
“I never should have come to you that night. It was wrong of me Guinevere. But it had nothing to do with my feelings about you. I had to make a sacrifice.”
She nodded, not sure how she felt about that answer. “And you made it.”
Arthur lifted her chin again. She kept turning away from him, heavily concentrated on the stone floor. “And it was wrong. Guinevere, I-
Voices rang out from the steps above. The tread of boots could be heard. And his title.
“Yes, well find the king. We need to discuss what is going on at the eastern borders. It’s getting worse.”
Sharply Gwen pressed her hand into the chainmail. “You must go. They are looking for you. It sounds important.”
Arthur grimaced with strong frustration. “You are important to me.”
She shook her head. “No it’s fine. This can wait. Besides, would you want them to find us like this? I think not.”
“I’m not ashamed of you, or this, or us.”
“Neither am I. But I have my work to do and you have yours. You are king now. You cannot take your duty lightly.” She grasped his shoulders tightly, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. Polite dismissal. “Now go.”
Arthur gave her a face of pleading, but her expression was firm. His hand moved away from her waist. She backed against the column as the voices of those looking for him rang out.
“Arthur…”
Hidden, she could hear the owlish voice of his uncle, telling him things that were not the concern of a simple servant. Gwen closed her eyes, waiting until they were out of earshot to return to her toils.
***
They were heatedly discussing it, an up-rise of trouble on the eastern borders, had been going at it for hours now as she walked into the council room to replenish their cups. Arthur, changed out of his chainmail, wore his blue tunic and narrow brown coat as he told his uncle his suggestion. “I could go with just a handful of knights and Merlin.”
“I doubt it’s necessary you take your servant.”
Gwen stepped further into the room with the pitcher of drink as the six men conversed. The two speaking at present were Arthur and Agravaine.
The king joked, “Well, he is entirely useless, quite often, but who’s going to cook?”
The knights assembled at present, Gwaine and Percival, laughed at that. Everyone knew it was just in jest and understood the rare peculiarities of Arthur and Merlin’s relationship. Basically, beyond Merlin being his one lasting servant, they were friends.
As Gwen finished giving a drink to one of the elder councilmen, she noticed how Agravaine sharply brought in his viewpoint.
“I think it best you not go Arthur at all.”
The king turned to him questioningly.
“Not yet anyway.” Agravaine smiled supportively. “The kingdom needs you to stay here. There’s been so much unrest lately. You want to give your people reassurance. Also…
It is very recent, much too recent I fear, for you to go back there again.”
Gwen finished serving them all, and then did something that normally would be out of question for her. She moved to the back, listening to the discussion and strong arguments for long moments. There was unrest from the kingdom of Escetia that Cenred had ruled over before his death. Without a proper ruler in place, bandit leagues and ruthless mercenaries craving power, were creating havoc. So far no kingdom alone was able to get rid of the problem.
Gwen listened thoughtfully as Arthur pled his case. For every proposal of action he made, Agravaine had a counter argument. Constantly he pointed out the cons of Arthur’s intended plan, and the king quietly gave in each time that she stood back there, watching. Sharp edges of disappointment gripped Gwen’s mind. Arthur had yet to fully trust himself as king. It probably wasn’t so noticeable to the others, but she could read it between each crack of giving in to another.
She turned her attention to his peculiar uncle, Agravaine. She had yet to understand him fully. Although he assisted Arthur often, some of the decisions he had made or influenced, she didn’t think necessarily best for Camelot.
Shaking herself out of her thoughts, Gwen turned away, not wanting to be caught, and realizing that too much time had passed since she’d just stood there, ignoring her work. A voice cut through, jarring her even further. Oddly enough, as if poking at her earlier line of thought, it came from Arthur’s uncle, Agravaine.
“Ah, Guinevere, my cup and some of the other men’s are empty. Would you please replenish them?” She looked down at the pitcher, seeing that it had no more refreshment in it. She lifted her eyes, feeling the heat of Arthur’s upon her, for barely a second though. Soon enough he returned to speaking with another of the council members, leaving no attention to her. He had his role…
She had hers.
“Certainly my Lord.” Gwen answered Agravaine politely, walking out of the meeting hall, the container of emptied drink gripped viciously in her fingers grasp.
***
To be continued…
***
Thanks so much for reading. Feedback is adored!
Author: mara93
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer: I disclaim. Merlin belongs to BBC/Shine.
Genre: Episode extender for Episode 4.05. This was supposed to be a short ficlet, but then it just kept growing so here we go.
Spoilers: for episode 4.05 and before, please note.
Characters/Pairings: Arthur/Gwen // Arthur, Gwen, Merlin, Agravaine, Queen Annis, Percival, Elyan, Gaius, Gwaine and minor Leon
Summary: Has the four A’s: angst, amour, adventure and Agravaine…lol. / Gwen trusts her heart in making a choice that will lead her closer to becoming queen and Arthur learns just how brave and influential she can be.
Author’s Note: I enjoyed this ep, but I felt elements were rushed. I wanted to take certain aspects of it into greater depth and it turned into this long story that is kind of AU from the direction of the show. Because of its length I’m going to post it in parts, but it’s completely done. Updates will be frequent, about 2-3 days between. // This is for the wonderful ella_rose88 for her bid for her Help the Fight Against Depression Auction at her fanfic journal: m_in_wonderland
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***
Elyan came to the tent late that night. Earlier he and the other knights had done their best to assure Arthur that they were ready for the battle against Queen Annis and her military. Now, if tomorrow should have harsh result, he had one more thing needed to be said.
The king too had an objective that he would enact when everyone was asleep…
~~~~
“Arthur…”
The king turned around, feeling a hand upon his shoulder.
“Back again Elyan?”
The knight hesitated, taking in the regality of the red tent adorned in the golden Pendragon symbol. It was a temporary dwelling for kings to find slumber. And yet there was something rare about Arthur himself sleeping in it. He wasn’t just a king of nobility, but a warrior king who participated in the battle. And it was only weeks ago that he was prince and slept out in the open with the rest of them.
As Elyan didn’t answer right away, Arthur encouraged him. “You have something to say to me, yes? Tell me Elyan.”
“It is about my sister.”
Arthur’s throat constricted tightly. “Guinevere?”
Elyan smiled a touch. She was named that at birth, but no one ever called her it. Just Arthur.
“You hurt her.”
Guilt slashed through Arthur’s heart at the accusatory words.
“She was distressed before we left Camelot.”
Arthur’s hands flexed against each other, knuckles whitening before filling with blood again. “Was she crying? Angry?”
Elyan could hear the break in voice. One night before their battle, the timing was terrible, but also necessitated.
“Not a bit of either.” Elyan smiled marginally, recalling times of childhood. Even then Gwen was always respectful, sensitive, and yet tough within. She took care of both of them, father and brother. “She told me she understood your decision. That as King you have to do what is right for you and Camelot. She showed more wisdom than me, because I didn’t quite see it that way.”
“Elyan, I-
The knight interrupted. Usually soft spoken, content to remain mostly quiet, Elyan couldn’t do that with this, a matter of family. “Sire, you made me a knight at a time of war, giving me purpose when I lacked it. You are my king that I fully respect, but I’d like to think you are friend to all your knights too.”
“I am.”
“I was a commoner. So were Percival, Lancelot and Gwaine.”
Arthur slowly nodded his head, guiltily for a moment remembering Lancelot’s sacrifice. “Well it was necessary at the time.”
Elyan scrutinized the king sharply, showing where he too had the inner strength that his sister had, intensity that had been born from the mother, father, or both. “But you’re okay with the decision now?”
Arthur quickly gave an affirmative. “You are all fine knights, trustworthy and stalwart.”
“We were not noble born Arthur. As my sister is not. Please do not misunderstand me Sire. I pledged a vow of allegiance to you and I will never dishonor that. But I also came back to Camelot for Gwen. Much of my reason for obtaining knighthood is because of her, that even though I faltered, she still believed in me. And you did. She told me that what you decided she is fine with, because she knows you are struggling with what is right for Camelot.”
Arthur’s ears fixed upon that word ‘struggling’ for it signaled clearly she did know. Even after the way he left her home that night, so rapidly, she got it. “I made-
Elyan wasn’t done. “She told me you are trying to do what is proper for a king. That the past rule of your father weighs in your decisions. And that the council you receive sometimes influences how you act.”
There was no mention of Agravaine, and no insult to his father. Within the cracks though, Arthur heard the disapproval.
“But she’s…she’s my sister Arthur.” Not the most articulate way to state it, but the most meaningful.
The king nodded, reaching for the other man’s hand, clasping it with respect. “You are right to speak for her Elyan. I made a mistake. That’s what I was going to say after you came in. I’ve made a decision about tomorrow.”
“About the battle? What kind of decision Sire?”
Arthur shook his head strongly. “Not your bother. Mine. This is a battle I could have avoided. It was wrong to kill Caerleon. Like it was wrong for my father to have yours and Gwen’s executed.”
Elyan’s lips tightened, his hand simultaneously fisting. He wasn’t there when it happened, and Gwen gave him no more than the shortest details, but he could recall the gentle hard working man who had done his best in their mother’s absence. “Gwen had to go through that alone. Maybe if I hadn’t stayed away so long I could have…helped stop it.”
“I doubt that Elyan. My father had strong sentiments against magic, which I now understand more after the way he died. Sorcery can be truly evil. But your father should have been spared. He was clearly not a sorcerer, or evil. And Caerleon, well he was brusque and foolhardy, but I killed him to make a point. A foolish one. Now that will be remedied.”
“Are you planning something Arthur?”
The king didn’t say anything for a long time, and when he did answer, it was to a different question. “When we return to Camelot I will tell your sister that I was wrong.”
“So you intend to get back together with her?”
“If she will have me.” Arthur spoke solemnly.
Elyan had no idea if after the battle he and the knights would still be alive, which of them would perish. Recalling how tightly his sister hugged him before they departed Camelot, understanding the dangerous nature of the mission they’d embark on tomorrow, he wanted to do this for her just in case…
“Gwen is a noble woman, Arthur, title or not. Any man would be lucky to have her affections and belief.”
“I know that Elyan.”
The knight’s eyes closed for a moment. It wasn’t long ago their father was taken away. What if he came back into her life…only to disappear now? “I want Gwen to be happy. In case I don’t return from the battle tomorrow, I just needed to say this.”
He would not have to worry Arthur thought, as he once again quickly clasped the man’s hand with respect. They’d all understand that in the morning, if his counter proposal of agreement with the queen was honored.
“I know. Your sister’s happiness means a great deal to me too. You will return to her Elyan. Thank you…for being honest with me. You are a noble knight, and a fine brother to Guinevere.”
It was a gentle, but quiet dismissal. Elyan took it with a slight nod of his head, “Thank you Sire. God keep our king.”
He left his sovereign alone then to a decision that was sparked by the one thing Arthur knew most, heart.
Many long moments later, Arthur took a step out of the tent, looking beyond the sleeping courageous knights and his loyal servant, instead to the sky. Finding a star in the darkness that was familiar, he gazed up at it quietly.
“Guinevere…if I don’t make it past tomorrow, I love you…and I am sorry. You are more than appropriate. More than words could say.”
He stepped back inside the tent, draping the blue cloak over his shoulders and head so he would not be easily noticed.
He needed to see the queen.
***
Arthur’s challenge was accepted by Queen Annis. He fought her champion and thankfully won. Then he let her know his objective was not victory, but peace, thus the reason why he spared the man’s life. Now back in Camelot, Arthur was resting in bed as a knock came at the door. He greeted Guinevere with a simple gift of roadside flowers…
~~~
Deep into the kiss, Arthur and Guinevere’s emotions swayed as they backed to his bed. As she felt the rear of mattress against her legs though, she stopped, for a reason that went beyond propriety.
Turning away from her king, Gwen murmured quietly, “I should return to my work. I was only bringing that for you…” She gestured to the iron pitcher.
Arthur thought of making a silly little joke, but the mood didn’t seem to be there. “You’re still upset with me, for what I said that night.”
Creating distance between them, Gwen quickly shook her head. “No Sire. I was not then, and am not now upset. I understand why you did what you did. You are king. And you believed it was the rightful thing to do for Camelot.”
The words were laced with respect, polite dignified kind, as underneath lingered thick ropes of tension. “Guinevere, I realize now that I was wrong in what I did.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” She smiled a little, but those thick ropes had yet to depart.
“I didn’t want to let you go.”
That was enough. She countered strongly. “But you did.”
“Guinevere.”
She pressed against his chest with her hand, feeling through the opened tunic the heat of his skin against two of her fingers. “When…Morgana was here, I knew my role, my place. But now, you are king and what…am I?”
“The woman I love.” Arthur caressed her cheek.
“And beyond?”
He paused, not sure exactly what to say. He knew her role. She told him enough times before, servant. But he also knew that when she was handmaiden to her friend she was more content.
“You can’t even say it Arthur?”
He shook his head strongly. “You’re servant, the best Camelot has. Definitely better than Merlin.” He joked.
She didn’t laugh along, just pressed stronger at his chest, making to get away. “You need your rest.”
Arthur recalled what her brother had told him, gently pressing her deeper into the wood. “Elyan, when we were away, said you were distressed. Upset with me, yes?”
Gwen shook her head. “Elyan didn’t need to say anything. I’m not upset with you. Just…”
“Just what Guinevere?”
Feeling his finger upon her chin and the firmness of the wood against her back, she stated restlessly, “Disappointed. And not sure of…my role now that you are king. Now that…I am not handmaiden.”
“You’ve not been handmaiden for over a year.”
“Yes, but then I was taking care of your father and you weren’t coming to me saying that I was inappropriate for you to be seen with.” She let out, stating it in a way that released more tension than she realized had been inside her.
“You are mad at me.”
She shook her head, giving a touch of council that broadly left her lips without her mind giving much allowance. “A good king does not try to rule alone. And he does not blindly listen to others advice either.”
Arthur’s expression tightened. “Is that what you think I have been-
“What is this about advice?”
Agravaine’s timing was perfect.
Perfectly antagonistic.
Arthur moved away from where he held Guinevere against the door. She pushed past him, straightening her dress without needing to. “My Lord.” She gave a slight bow to Arthur’s uncle.
Agravaine smiled intently. Lovely. Yet foolish and out of place. And as for his young nephew, stubborn and gullible the same.
“Guinevere.”
Arthur started to say, but she was already backing out of the room. “I have work to tend to. If you’ll both excuse me.”
Arthur sighed raggedly. This wasn’t over it seemed.
Agravaine watched intently as the young king kept his back turned away, disgruntled. “I’m so sorry Arthur. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Arthur shrugged it off with his hand. “No. It’s fine.”
Agravaine continued, “I must say though I’m a little shocked. I thought you listened to my advice of before. Although I like her very much, well it’s the people’s views and thoughts on matters like these you should worry about.”
Arthur turned to face his uncle, working inwardly to keep his response tempered. His mood was taut. “Uncle, I appreciate immensely your council.”
“Thank you Arthur.”
“On matters having to do with Camelot. But when it comes to personal ones, and even certain matters of Camelot, I will make my own decisions. I’d be grateful if you’d respect that.”
Agravaine studied the young man for long moments, seeing in his fiercely quiet reaction signs of not just Uther, but a wisdom that went beyond. To someone from the past.
“As you wish Sire. I’ll leave you to your rest Arthur. I know how tired you must be after the fight with Annis’s champion and the long road back to Camelot.”
Arthur didn’t have the desire to say anything more than ‘thank you’. Agravaine left with a courteous bow.
The king moved to the window, looking down upon his kingdom, wishing they hadn’t been interrupted, that he hadn’t been so foolish in the first place.
***
Washboard placed firmly on the bottom of the pan, Gwen scrubbed hard during the late afternoon of day. A voice came from behind, only half joking.
“Well now I know why the two of you are together. You’re perfect for each other. When upset he knocks down punching bags while you abuse innocent bed linens.”
“I am not upset Merlin…” Gwen let out tightly between her lips, feeling how betrayed her answer was by how her teeth gritted against her inner mouth.
“Mad?”
Gwen shook her head at the question.
Merlin smiled encouragingly. “Arthur was. Unhappy with himself for letting you go. He even-
Merlin started to tell her about the ring, but cut himself short. It wasn’t his place to tell. Arthur only wanted him to make the gesture if he didn’t come back.
“What?” Gwen asked curiously.
Merlin shook his head. “Nothing. Look Gwen, I know he sometimes does foolish things. Why do you think I call him a prat, dollophead, cabbage-
“I get the point Merlin.” Gwen sharply interrupted.
“Right.” Merlin smiled again, with that friendly grin of his that widened his lips. “He is under a lot of pressure now Gwen. As king he has to make decisions quickly and he has so many members of council advising him on those decisions. I’m not defending him for what he did to you.”
She lifted her head, giving Merlin a pointed look. “You know…all of it?”
Merlin countered. “He told me only some of it, muttered about it anyway under his breath.”
Gwen’s hand gripped the washboard rigidly. Now that she loved him so and that meant reaching some type of possible commitment, she was weighed by implications. “You are his servant Merlin. But, lately especially, Arthur sees you as more. He takes you with him on missions away from Camelot and he is mindful of your advice.”
Merlin shrugged. “Some of the time anyway. Other times he’s a complete dol-
He stopped there. She had more to say.
“Arthur will be choosing a queen soon Merlin.”
“We know who that will be.” Merlin grinned.
Gwen shook her head with indecision. “I’m not so sure.”
“Gwen’ it’s going to be you!” Merlin insisted.
“He said I was not appropriate for the people.” Gwen stated sadly.
Merlin let out a heavy sigh at her words, reaching for his friend’s hand.
She had been his first in Camelot, well other than Gaius, but he was more like a warm beloved crotchety uncle. When all those vegetables were being thrown at him, she engaged him in conversation…until he warned her about the next batch of flying edible missiles. She was definitely right for queen. “Gwen, you can’t believe that. You should know Arthur never talks about any other woman. It’s always you Gwen. And then it’s quiet. Respectful. You and your happiness matter to him a lot.”
Gwen didn’t doubt that. This really wasn’t about that.
“I want him to be happy too Merlin. Safe. I know he cares, but I have to wonder sometimes what he sees me as. I wonder what my role is. Now with Morgana gone, with Uther gone too, I don’t feel my purpose as strongly. I want to do more than just wait for him as he goes off to battle. I should have to do more than that if one day I am to be become…queen.”
Clasping Merlin’s hand tightly for a second, she got up to her feet, holding the wash bin. “I will see you later Merlin.”
He watched her go, wistful, and without answers.
***
A week later, heading to a boarding room near the castle’s basement, Gwen felt a sudden force upon her arm pulling her underneath a dark overhang. Before she could cry out warm lips crushed hers. She fought for only a moment, recognizing the offender by the clang of chainmail, the scent of battle training and the distinct essence of his mouth. As he let go of his firm grip on her waist she looked up into his blue blaze of watching eyes.
Removing his other hand from behind his back, he whispered, “Well you didn’t try to knock me down so I’m assuming I’m forgiven. But if not, these are for you. You’ll see they’re more carefully chosen than the ones by the roadside.”
She let out a small bit of laughter, shaking her head. “Arthur, there’s nothing to be forgiven. I’m not mad.”
He touched her cheek, giving his assessment. “And yet you’re not happy.”
Gwen looked down at the ground, saying nothing.
Reaching for her chin, he tipped it upward as she held the lavender bouquet of flowers he had gifted her with. “What is it Guinevere?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. I know I upset you.”
She pushed at his chest, feeling the rings of the chainmail at the tips of her fingers. “I was taken aback when you came to me that night. But I understand. You had to think about your place as king.”
Arthur let out a ragged sigh, shamed he had listened to his uncle in the first place. He fought his father furiously for her and then his uncle tells him to let her go and…
He does?
It was the new pressures of being king perhaps. Sometimes he’d give the world to return to the watchful learning role of prince. To have his father back, advising him strongly.
“I never should have come to you that night. It was wrong of me Guinevere. But it had nothing to do with my feelings about you. I had to make a sacrifice.”
She nodded, not sure how she felt about that answer. “And you made it.”
Arthur lifted her chin again. She kept turning away from him, heavily concentrated on the stone floor. “And it was wrong. Guinevere, I-
Voices rang out from the steps above. The tread of boots could be heard. And his title.
“Yes, well find the king. We need to discuss what is going on at the eastern borders. It’s getting worse.”
Sharply Gwen pressed her hand into the chainmail. “You must go. They are looking for you. It sounds important.”
Arthur grimaced with strong frustration. “You are important to me.”
She shook her head. “No it’s fine. This can wait. Besides, would you want them to find us like this? I think not.”
“I’m not ashamed of you, or this, or us.”
“Neither am I. But I have my work to do and you have yours. You are king now. You cannot take your duty lightly.” She grasped his shoulders tightly, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. Polite dismissal. “Now go.”
Arthur gave her a face of pleading, but her expression was firm. His hand moved away from her waist. She backed against the column as the voices of those looking for him rang out.
“Arthur…”
Hidden, she could hear the owlish voice of his uncle, telling him things that were not the concern of a simple servant. Gwen closed her eyes, waiting until they were out of earshot to return to her toils.
***
They were heatedly discussing it, an up-rise of trouble on the eastern borders, had been going at it for hours now as she walked into the council room to replenish their cups. Arthur, changed out of his chainmail, wore his blue tunic and narrow brown coat as he told his uncle his suggestion. “I could go with just a handful of knights and Merlin.”
“I doubt it’s necessary you take your servant.”
Gwen stepped further into the room with the pitcher of drink as the six men conversed. The two speaking at present were Arthur and Agravaine.
The king joked, “Well, he is entirely useless, quite often, but who’s going to cook?”
The knights assembled at present, Gwaine and Percival, laughed at that. Everyone knew it was just in jest and understood the rare peculiarities of Arthur and Merlin’s relationship. Basically, beyond Merlin being his one lasting servant, they were friends.
As Gwen finished giving a drink to one of the elder councilmen, she noticed how Agravaine sharply brought in his viewpoint.
“I think it best you not go Arthur at all.”
The king turned to him questioningly.
“Not yet anyway.” Agravaine smiled supportively. “The kingdom needs you to stay here. There’s been so much unrest lately. You want to give your people reassurance. Also…
It is very recent, much too recent I fear, for you to go back there again.”
Gwen finished serving them all, and then did something that normally would be out of question for her. She moved to the back, listening to the discussion and strong arguments for long moments. There was unrest from the kingdom of Escetia that Cenred had ruled over before his death. Without a proper ruler in place, bandit leagues and ruthless mercenaries craving power, were creating havoc. So far no kingdom alone was able to get rid of the problem.
Gwen listened thoughtfully as Arthur pled his case. For every proposal of action he made, Agravaine had a counter argument. Constantly he pointed out the cons of Arthur’s intended plan, and the king quietly gave in each time that she stood back there, watching. Sharp edges of disappointment gripped Gwen’s mind. Arthur had yet to fully trust himself as king. It probably wasn’t so noticeable to the others, but she could read it between each crack of giving in to another.
She turned her attention to his peculiar uncle, Agravaine. She had yet to understand him fully. Although he assisted Arthur often, some of the decisions he had made or influenced, she didn’t think necessarily best for Camelot.
Shaking herself out of her thoughts, Gwen turned away, not wanting to be caught, and realizing that too much time had passed since she’d just stood there, ignoring her work. A voice cut through, jarring her even further. Oddly enough, as if poking at her earlier line of thought, it came from Arthur’s uncle, Agravaine.
“Ah, Guinevere, my cup and some of the other men’s are empty. Would you please replenish them?” She looked down at the pitcher, seeing that it had no more refreshment in it. She lifted her eyes, feeling the heat of Arthur’s upon her, for barely a second though. Soon enough he returned to speaking with another of the council members, leaving no attention to her. He had his role…
She had hers.
“Certainly my Lord.” Gwen answered Agravaine politely, walking out of the meeting hall, the container of emptied drink gripped viciously in her fingers grasp.
***
To be continued…
***
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