Every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.

[elschmo]

Dark Shadows, everyone. (I made it before the deadline I proposed!)

1. Dark Shadows is underwhelming and exhausted. Nothing about it seems original, like I've seen this all before in other films, be it Tim Burton's own or from other directors.
   
   
2. On the plus side, Johnny Depp isn't phoning it in like he was in Alice in Wonderland. Unlike his previous outing with Burton, he isn't letting his appearance do the acting for him. Still, I don't feel like he's treading new ground -- this isn't the kind of role to which he's a stranger. I read before that the films in which he isn't some sort of "character" don't do too well (Rango, The Rum Diary, The Tourist), which is a shame, because it perpetuates the niche Depp seems to have found himself in, and it can be so stifling. (The same can also be said for Burton.)
   
   
3. I didn't like Chloë Moretz's performance in this: it bordered on overacting -- it didn't seem natural, and I feel like "sassy, worldly teenager" has become her shtick.
   
   
4. I did like the reveal that she was a werewolf; I liked the design. I was certain something didn't seem right about her, when Angelique had burst into her room, and Carolyn was perched atop a beam -- I thought she'd been turned into a vampire.
   
   
5. Of course, the visuals are amazing. I'd love for Burton to translate my stories onto the big screen -- and perhaps, either Michel Gondry or Guillermo del Toro to direct.
   
   
6. Nothing much happened with Victoria? I don't know, seeing as she's -- what, the reincarnation or one of Josette's descendants, I expected her to have more clout in the story than just, you know, being a shallow love interest … which, naturally, bugged the fuck out of me. If we're expected to buy her relationship with Barnabas as some kind of ~enduring~ romance that transcends mortal boundaries, and would've provided some kind of emotional pay-off to what had happened to her during her childhood (I take it that Josette's ghost latched on to her to lead her to this fate, since Victoria mentioned that she felt like she was drawn to Collinsport for a reason), I'm not sold. I mean, she loves him because of …? I don't think they ever interacted with each other for longer than a couple of seconds, beyond some knowing glances, in the film until their confession of their love for each other. Let's not forget that Victoria had run off in, what, shock? disgust? when Barnabas was revealed to be a vampire. Um …
   
   
7. Plus, Victoria is in her teens, and Barnabas well over a couple of centuries old. Did we learn nothing from all the discussion as to how that can be problematic in Twilight?
   
   
8. Thank God, though, that this won't take the equivalent of three seasons ([Spoiler (click to open)]The Vampire Diaries) or four books (Twilight) for Victoria to become a vampire. Speaking of which, did she borrow the same makeup palette as Emily (Corpse Bride) and Mrs Lovett (Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street)? It's so not a look I've seen before, right!
   
   
9. … OK. Nevertheless, in spite of her poor character treatment, poor Victoria … Too harsh, parents, too harsh.
   
   
10. Bella Heathcote sounds like she has a mouth full of food.
    
    
11. Do not believe the trailer. I repeat, do not believe the trailer. Basically, the clips found in the trailer are of the same tone and mood as the second act, i.e., campy and humorous (I use that term loosely, because I didn't find this film that funny). I watched the trailer a few days before the film, and I felt so put off by it because of how it appeared to try so hard to be endearing and funny and clever, when it just felt awkward and cheesy and embarrassing. (I didn't want to watch the film at first because of the terrible impression the trailer left on me, but Sis #1 was persistent …) So, when the first and third acts occurred, which bore a massive difference in tone from the second, I was like, "Okay, this doesn't seem too bad." Not enough to redeem the film, however, because it just felt messy, and as you know, a lack of consistency in tone in films is one of my biggest pet peeves.
    
    
12. That said, if this film on the whole had been like the first act, I wouldn't have minded it as much; I loved the serious, spooky tone.
    
    
13. Angelique falling apart reminded me -- and Sis #1 -- of Death Becomes Her. The marionette-like movement, the shattering of the skin -- it was so, so similar. I didn't like it. I mean, I did kind of, but the connection soured it a tad, what with it being in a film that, for the most part, feels so unoriginal most of the time.
    
    
14. Likewise! Dr Hoffman's styling is almost the same as the Red Queen's in Burton's own Alice in Wonderland, from the shock of red hair to the bright blue eyeshadow. Really, Burton, really?
    
    
15. So … is this film about restoring the Collins's business or Barnabas and Angelique, because I have no damn clue.
    
    
16. 'sup, Christopher Lee -- coincidentally (… or not), also one of Burton's regulars!
    
    
17. David's mother became a banshee …?
    
    
18. What even was the point of Roger's character? (To establish the point about the importance Barnabas places on family, I suppose, but man, such a blatant device.)
    
    
19. … On second thought, what even was the point of everyone who isn't Barnabas or Angelique's character?
    
    
20. Blood is bright red. OK.
    
    
21. I'll end this review on a positive note (and at this point, I don't remember what the trailers shown before the film were): I loved the portraits of Angelique in her boardroom. That's it.

If this review feels uninspired, that's because Dark Shadows itself is. It's a pastiche of Burton's and others' films, the end result tired and difficult to watch, because one is so aware of the calibre Burton has, and it's so painful to watch something like this being produced under his name. It's time to take a break, I think.

Rating: 1/5