Hand in Hand; Part 3
Sorry for the late update ^^;; With Easter coming up and tests before spring break I didn't have much time to work on the story and then when I did have time, there was that damned writers' block. Plus, this chapter was a little more difficult to write. I'm used to having interactions between Ed and Al, but now I have to add more people and it was just weird at first. So, sorry if Roy or Riza seem a little out of character. And I found out that I was having Al alternate between calling Roy 'Roy', 'Mustang', and 'the Colonel' while he was narrating. I wasn't too sure what he'd call him in his POV, so I just tried to make it match with the situations. Sorry if this gets on anyone's nerve. Well, enough of my rambling! Here is part three of Hand in Hand!! ^^
Title: Hand in Hand
Written by armor_of_guilt
Genre: General for now; slight romance and a little angst.
Pairings: None yet, but slight one-sided Elricest I think
Warnings: Spoilers up to episode 51; AU; language; blood
Rating: PG-13 for now
Story: Ongoing
[..Part III..]
[Choices]
The steady hum of the engine was what lulled me to sleep several times and the bumping and thumping was what woke me several minutes into each doze. It was six in the morning. We’d only been on the train for an hour, but Ed had been out like a light ever since I finished hopping around the train. Although our destination wasn’t something to look forward too, I was still excited to be on a train again. It felt so weird to have the ground moving beneath you. In fact, when we first started off, I latched onto Ed and wouldn’t let go until I got used to the swaying. After that, I was just nonstop gawking. I amused Edward for a while, but he was really tired and just fell asleep about fifteen minutes into our train ride.
At first I’d been disappointed, I had so many questions! Then I began to feel my energy dwindle and I was overcome with exhaustion. I wanted to sleep so badly, but the jolts of the train kept me awake. That, and the habit of being the one to keep vigilance over Ed. I was so used to taking care of him while he slept, it was hard for me to get to sleep if he got knocked out before me.
“Something from the cart, young man?” a woman pushing the food cart asked me as she passed our cabin.
I smiled, tired but polite, “Yes please. Do you have any sweets?”
Sweets were one of my favorite foods now, it seemed I got a new one every other day, so I wanted to have as much as possible before moving onto something else. That, and I knew brother loved sweets just as much, if not even more, than I did. So, while trying to stay awake, I cheerfully munched on two blueberry muffins, a chocolate doughnut, a cinnamon roll with sweet icing, and some chocolate milk in a carton. It seemed as if I had inherited Ed’s outrageous appetite as well. Just in case Ed was hungry when he woke up, since we skipped breakfast, I saved him two chocolate doughnuts and a cinnamon roll.
After finishing my rather unhealthy meal, I began to fiddle with my coat sleeves as I stared out the window. The scenery wasn’t very pretty. I was disappointed; slumping back into my seat in my too-big coat. The trip from Xenotime to Central would be long with very little greenery. Had we been going to Resembool or Dublith, there would’ve been some pretty sights.
“Mm… I’m tired and it’s ugly outside…” I mused bitterly, turning my body so that I was facing Edward.
He was across from me on the other seat, sprawled out carelessly. He was snoring softly, but you couldn’t really hear it over the noise of the train. Stray wisps of golden hair framed his face, so peaceful looking now that he was asleep. All the frown lines were gone and he looked like a boy his age should. Eyes closed in contentment, pinkish lips slightly parted. I had always loved watching Edward sleep. He looked so angelic. My heart fluttered in my chest when he mumbled something softly, curling onto his side facing me. I felt my breath catch when I saw that he was smiling. It must be a good dream, brother. I smiled in return, relieved that my older brother could finally sleep without worry. With no nightmares.He looks so cute.
I mean, I had always loved him, he was my big brother after all. We had always been together. Even when dad left, when mom died, when I lost my body, when Ed got auto mail, and when he joined the military… we were still together. We had a bond deeper than anyone else could possibly have. I had been surviving for four years with my brother’s blood. His blood kept me alive. In return, I protected him and acted as his shield when there was mortal danger. That was our Equivalent Exchange, even if brother didn’t like it too much. So, that obviously meant we loved each other… if we were willing to sacrifice ourselves for the other’s sake. Normal brothers were supposed to love each other; but… did normal brothers ever want to touch the other so badly it hurt. Or want to smell them or feel them or taste them?
If I asked Ed this, he’d say it was perfectly normal to want those things after four years of numbness in that hollow armor. Yeah, it’s perfectly normal to want to touch, feel, smell, and taste. But when it’s your own brother? And is it strange for me to crave his touch in return? Or feel elated whenever he praises me, smiles at me, or hugs me of his own free will? Or blush and feel the need to get closer when we’re lying together in bed? It’s too strange.
As if on cue, Ed rolls over again so that I’m met with his back. I don’t think I’m a normal brother…
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My endless train of though continues to circle around and around my normality as a brother long after Ed wakes up. I hope he doesn’t notice my uneasiness; if he does maybe he’ll just assume that I’m getting motion sickness or worried about the trip to Central. We sit together in what I believe to be an uncomfortable silence for quite some time. Well, at first Ed had been trying to wake up, but once he had, he just smiled at me, said good morning, thanked me for the food, and then proceeded to stare out the window. I’m not sure what he saw out there… but whatever it was, it captivated him for another two hours.
Me, on the other hand, I had been captivated by how the sunlight glinted off his hair and made his eyes brighter than normal. My hands itched to just run my fingers through his long, golden locks and then rebraid his hair. I controlled this urge through fear; what if he didn’t want me to touch him? What if he was disgusted or just brushed me off? What would he think if I told him that I wasn’t normal? I shuddered involuntarily, my leg twitching nervously as my eyes searched for something to lock onto.
A slight weight was pressed on my shoulders, my head snapping up so fast I gave myself whiplash. Ed was standing over me, no longer wearing his red coat. I glanced down, seeing the crimson fabric contrast greatly with the pale blue of mine. Why had he given me his coat? I looked up to inquire about this, but he beat me to it.
“You cold, Al?” he asked, peering down at me with an amused smirk on his face.
“Ah…” I blinked, gauging the air around me with my skin, “Kinda.” I decided was the best answer I could muster.
He tussled my hair playfully, “You could’ve said something, idiot.”
“Shut up.” I frowned, I hated it when he made me feel stupid, “You were thinking about something and I didn’t want to bother you. Was it important?”
Ed shrugged, “Nah, I was just bored. I was thinking about being bored because you were thinking and being boring. Because it can be so boring to just sit there and have your boring little brother not talk to you and let you sit in your boredom-”
“I get the point, brother.” I interrupted, growing steadily annoyed with his constant use of the word ‘boring’ or anything related to that state.
“Was it important?”
I raised an eyebrow, “Hmm? What was?”
“What you were thinking about. Was it important?” Ed was now collapsed against his seat lazily, arms spread out on the headrest and looking at me intently.
I blushed, then looked away to hide it, “No… nothing important.”
_________________________________________________________
I now know where I got my esteemed “pestering”, as Ed calls it, it was from my nosy brother himself. Despite how many times I assured him that I was fine; that what I had been thinking about wasn’t important in the slightest, he still refused to let it sit under the rug. At first, he’d only been teasing me and playfully trying to force it out of me. However, when I did not relent, he began to get that older brother concern that made me feel guilty.
Although most people used to say that I was the one who could weasel anything out of Ed, if he tried hard enough then my defenses would just crumble. Like now.
“Alphonse.” his golden gaze was meeting mine, hard and full of guilt and concern, as if whatever was on my mind was all his fault. The way he said my full name made me shiver, Ed rarely used it so it was clear that he was serious about all this inquiring. “Did something happen while I was asleep? Do you feel sick? What’s wrong?”
“N-nothing.” I managed to get out before he could take off on one of his little fantasies of what could’ve happened to me.
He was getting angry now, “Dammit, Al! You’ve been saying that the entire time!”
“Did it occur to you that maybe there isn’t anything wrong?” I countered, already used to having this argument. It’s happened twice already.
Brother sagged visibly, a sign of defeat or offense. “I know when something’s bothering you, Al. Do you think I’m stupid?”
“No, but you act stupid sometimes.” I crossed my arms, watching him warily.
“Thanks, tell me something I don’t know.” I had to smile at his sarcastic remark, it was hard to stay mad at him when he started to agree with me. Somewhat. “I just hate seeing you upset, especially when I can’t do anything about it.”
I softened, feeling a tug on my heartstrings at the confession. “I know, brother. I feel that way too sometimes.” It was true. As a suit of armor I couldn’t very well comfort my brother. I was cold and hard and pointy. I was never sure of how strong my grip was. I couldn’t tell him that it was okay when I knew it wasn’t. I couldn’t do anything other than just be there. Exist beside him and talk to him and let him know that I was still there. I hated that feeling; so I shuddered at the thought of Ed feeling similar.
“Brother… I promise to tell you as soon as I figure out what’s wrong, myself. Okay?”
He didn’t like the answer, that much I could tell, but he didn’t say another word about it. I’m sorry, brother. But I’m not sure what your reaction would be if I told you how I feel sometimes. I’m sure you’d be disgusted. So for now, I just want things to be normal for as long as they can.
_________________________________________________________
I had never known how huge Central was. On the entire walk to Headquarters, I had insisted on walking, I was bouncing around and touching the buildings, staring at the cracks in the sidewalk, and simply elated about everything. People were giving me strange looks, but I didn’t really notice until brother had enough and dragged me off to HQ. Even with him doing that, I was still acting like a little kid on sugar-high… which I might as well have been considering all the sweets I’d been consuming as of late.
“Brother! Look, the gates are cold! And really smooth!” I had latched onto one of the poles of the HQ gates, running my hand up and down. “Come on! Touch it!”
Ed was looking at me as if I were insane, “Yeah. It’s cold and smooth, now come on! People are staring.”
“Please, brother! I want you to feel it too!” I grabbed his left hand and pressed it against the cool metal. At first, it had been mild annoyance that graced his facial expression. As soon as his hand touched the bar though, it melted away into amusement that was dashed away by alarm.
He yanked his arm out of my grasp and stormed off towards the doors, “Let’s go, Al.”
I blinked in confusion. What had I done to make him angry? I was only trying to cheer him up about the whole explanation to Mustang and stuff. Two of the military guards were staring at me funny. I shifted uncomfortably under their gaze, shuffling forward after Ed. What did I do? I only wanted him to touch the gate… to feel what I felt… oh. I paused, remembering the texture of the metal. Smooth and cold. Cold and metal and unfeeling. The armor? I had never felt the armor, I didn’t know what it was like to touch it. Even as a little kid I had never dared to touch it, mom had told us not to. But obviously Ed had. Was hearing my voice while touching the cold metal reminding him of that?
I sped up to meet his quick pace, stumbling over myself a bit. Once I reached him, I took his flesh hand. On impulse, he looked at me with a ‘not-now’ kind of expression. But I skillfully ignored it. Squeezing my eyes shut and tightening my grip, I blurted out, “AmIwarmandsoftnowbrother?”
I could feel him involuntarily tense even if he couldn’t distinguish what I had said, “What?”
“Am I warm and soft now?” I repeated, slower this time, meeting his gaze with determination.
Golden eyes blinked unsteadily, then understanding flooded through and I found myself relaxing with him. “Stupid. Of course you are.”
“Good.” I smiled, stepping away from him and walking towards the front doors, “Come on, brother! Colonel Mustang won’t wait all day!”
“I’ll make that bastard wait if I want to!”
“Wonderful to see you too, Fullmetal.” we both whipped around quickly at the sound of Mustang’s voice. Ed with anger and me with surprise. “Though I must say, you’ve already made me wait a day so I believe that’s long enough. Come with me to my office.”
The Colonel brushed past us, with 1st Lieutenant Hawkeye right behind him. As he passed me, a look of surprise, wonder, and a hint of satisfaction came to his face. The it was gone. I hadn’t realized how powerful looking he could appear, and I could pick up on the arrogance that Ed was always complaining about. Like right now.
“I had more important things to take care of, Mustang! I couldn’t waste my time following your orders with all the stuff I had to do!” he shouted out, walking fast again.
I began to follow behind him, but once we got inside HQ, Mustang stopped me. “I’m sorry… um… Alphonse…?” I nodded, realizing how difficult it must be for everyone to recognize me now that I wasn’t a suit of armor and shorter than Ed. “I’m… afraid you’ll have to wait here until I’m done talking with Fullmetal. Is that alright?”
I swallowed, searching for the right words to say, “I… well, yeah… I guess.”
“It is not okay!” Ed piped up, glaring daggers at Mustang, “You can’t just leave him alone out here!”
“I’m not.” sharp black eyes met brother’s golden ones, “Lieutenant Hawkeye will be keeping him company. It will only be a few minutes, Fullmetal. Now come on.”
Mustang continued on towards his office, expecting Ed to follow him. Brother still had an irritated look on his face, but as he walked past me he whispered something to me, “Don’t worry. I’ll be right back.” I nodded, watching his back as he went further in military headquarters. There goes my brother… next time I see him, it’ll be the Fullmetal Alchemist instead.
_________________________________________________________
Hawkeye was very polite and understanding while we waited for Mustang and Ed to return. She had been doing some paperwork at first, trying to catch up on what the Colonel didn’t finish. My uneasiness must’ve been radiating off me because she stopped and tried to engage in a conversation with me. I think she understood that I was unused to being alone in this body, even if my brother was just down the hall.
“So, you’ve been doing well, Alphonse?” she asked me, stopping my fidgeting for the time being.
I smiled shyly, “Yes, Lieutenant. I’m really getting used to my body now. And, umm, how have you been?”
“Well, frustrated to say the least.” she smiled back, “Colonel is still slacking off on his paperwork. I’m afraid I’ll have to superglue him to the chair or handcuff him to me so he can’t escape.” I laughed a the idea of a cowering Mustang handcuffed to an evil looking Hawkeye threatening to shoot him or dump water on his gloves. “But I’m glad that you seem to be doing better. Edward was really worried about you.”
“You mean, you talked to brother before today?” I inquired, feeling a little confused about the way she worded her last sentence. “Was it when he called the Colonel?”
She shook her head, “No, he called me at my house about several weeks ago. You were sick and he didn’t know what to do. I asked him if he wanted me to see you two, but he said that it was okay. However, he sounded like he was in quite a state. An aftershock of getting your body back or maybe just the initial fear that something was wrong with you… whatever it was, I’m just glad that he’s back to normal and you’re looking much healthier.”
I looked down at my feet. I had probably been a huge burden for brother, unable to take care of myself or fight off illness. How many times in that first week had he feared that he would lose me? When he had to watch me vomit the little food he was trying to nourish me with or when I would collapse or lie motionless in the bed because I didn’t have the strength or muscles to do so? He took such good care of me…
“Are you alright? Alphonse, you look pale.” I swallowed thickly, trying to find my voice as Hawkeye came over to my side.
“I-I’m okay.” I nodded, cradling my head in my hands, it felt really heavy. My eyelids too.
Hawkeye placed a hand on my shoulder, “You must be exhausted. Why don’t you take a nap? I’ll take you to Edward’s dorm if you want.”
“He’d worry… or something.” I think I mumbled, but she was right, I did feel very tired.
I could feel her smiling, “It’s alright, I’ll tell him where you’ve gone so he won’t worry.”
“Okay.” I rose from the chair I had been seated in and began walking to the dorms on wobbly legs. I had memorized the path to the dorms, so I didn’t need to be entirely coherent to get there. I’m sure many soldiers were staring at me funny, unable to place who I was. Ed never locked the door, so it was easy to fumble with the door handle and stagger into the room. My legs were throbbing, I had been using them too much today. Lowering myself to Ed’s cot, I inhaled the faint scent of him and snuggled deeper into the warmth.
_________________________________________________________
A soft caress was what brought me back to the waking world. Subconsciously I was relieved by this, knowing that in the dream I had been in moments before… if I had slept for another minute… I would’ve had to see Edward die again. Again. Again. Again. My body tensed, the caress moved from my hair down to my back. I could feel the muscles loosening and I relaxed. Brother was back now, that was good. The gentle strokes continued until I was so close to falling asleep again. It felt so nice, so comforting and happy. When the touch left, I felt strangely exposed and cold. I whimpered in protest, cracking open an eye to cast a look of irritation in the direction of my brother. Ed was grinning cockily.
“So. You were awake.” he looked amused for some reason.
I scowled at him, “Why’d you stop?”
“Because I could tell you were awake and we need to go.” Ed replied, still wearing that stupid grin, “Why did you want to know?”
“Because it felt good.” I informed him shamelessly; I was completely truthful in saying this.
He laughed out loud at my response, “Oh, it felt good huh?” He placed his hand back in it’s original place and began to rub gently again. I sighed happily, nestling back into the covers of his bed. Then his hand was a fist and digging into my back. Yelping in surprise, my arm struck out and flailed a bit to find some leverage. I flung myself up, knocking his hand off while I was at it and glared at Edward who was currently laughing his head off at my reaction.
“ED!!” I did not like how he was making fun of me, “That wasn’t nice!”
He put his hands up in defense, “Hey, I told you we had to go. I can’t have you falling back asleep on me now. We’re already half an hour late for our ‘official meeting’ with the Colonel Bastard. Now, up up up, Al!”
I groaned, rising groggily and rubbing at my drooping eyelids. I was just in a bad mood because Ed woke me from my nap, “Why can’t I just sleep, Ed?”
“I just told you, Al.” He informed me, growing impatient with my slow pace and chose to yank me up off the bed, “We need to go see Mustang. He wants to talk to you too, now lets go.”
I half walked, half let myself be dragged by my brother. My legs were a little wobbly, but I’d been on them almost all day. I leaned most of my weight against Ed, it was slowing us down, but I was tired. He didn’t move, so I assumed it was alright. I don’t remember when the dorms ended and outside began; or much of anything about the walk. By the time we were standing in Mustang’s office though, I was near to fully awake. At least I was coherent enough to salute with my right hand and stand up straight.
Mustang was leaning back in his chair, his scrutinizing gaze on me. He seemed to be quite interested in my appearance. Well, what alchemist wouldn’t be? I was the first successful transmuted soul, after all. I involuntarily shuddered at the thought, but both Mustang and Ed passed it off as me just being cold.
“Turn down the air, Mustang! It’s like a freezer in here!” Ed was grumbling, rubbing his arms in an act that he was the cold one.
Mustang merely smirked in response, “Already done, Fullmetal. Now, I’d like for us to get to business if there will be no further delays. Alright, Alphonse?”
“Uh, yes sir.” I nodded, lowering my arm and allowing my stiff posture to relax.
He nodded, folding his hands on his desktop and looking at me intently, “First off, I’d like to know how your body’s been holding up. Nothing unusual? No… strange side-effects or anything like that? Maybe a symbol… or…” his gaze darkened, “A tattoo?”
“A tattoo… sir?” I blinked, then it registered what he meant, “No! I’m not a homunculus!” I looked at Edward for some support, but his head was bent low. I couldn’t see his eyes and he didn’t seem upset by this. Why? Glaring, I turned my attention back to Mustang, “I’m not a homunculus! I’m not! My brother would never do that!”
“Calm down, Alphonse. It’s just a question.” Mustang seemed amused by my reaction, “It’s just… you can’t see your own back all too well. What if there was a mark of some kind?”
Despite his calm demeanor, I felt more fury in me at the accusation, “No! There isn’t anything! I’m human!”
“Alright, alright. I believe you.” the Colonel chuckled, confusing me even more. I understood why Ed would get so pissed now when he talked with him. “Now, really, how’ve you been holding up since the transmutation?”
I allowed the fury that settled in my stomach to recede, even if I didn’t like the question he’d kept pestering me with. “Fine.” I muttered in response.
“That’s good. So you don’t feel sick anymore? No strange symptoms?”
I shook my head, “No, I don’t. And nothing feels out of the ordinary except for the fact that I can feel.”
Roy nodded his approval; brother was scaring me by being so quiet. “Okay then, now, we need to discuss the future of the two of you. Obviously, you are both aware that Edward can’t just back out of the military at this time. Too much suspicion and with… with the Fuhrer…” he trailed off, looking pained for a moment, “Anyway, it’s just no can do right now. That doesn’t mean he can’t ever quit though. Maybe in a couple years.” It was I that nodded the next time, “So, what to do about this. Since Edward seems very unwilling to take you with him when he travels and you seem very unwilling to be left behind, what do you propose we do?”
“What?” I narrowed my eyes in an inquiring expression, “You’re having me decide what we should do?”
“Well, we want your opinion.” he replied, glancing towards Ed, “Right, Fullmetal?”
Ed looked a little distracted, “Hnn.”
“Fullmetal.”
Ed jumped a little, surprise evident on his face. It quickly became an annoyed expression. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Mustang. Just hurry up.”
I smiled at my brother’s response, inwardly laughing. He had no idea that they were asking my opinion of something and he was acting as if he didn’t care. “Okay, brother.”
“Edward,” Mustang was grinning smugly, “It seems that you don’t care for what Alphonse thinks, do you?”
“What? What the hell kind of question is that?! Of course I care!” he growled out bitterly.
I tried to suppress my giggles, so the Colonel continued, “Then you weren’t paying attention. But that’s alright, I can fully understand your SHORT-attention span…”
He did that on purpose…
“WHO’RE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT EVEN A BEANSPROUT WOULD SQUASH HIM?!?!” Brother was near-screaming as he lunged forward.
I worried that he might try to bash Roy’s head or face in, so I grabbed onto his middle to hold him back as I did so many times in the armor. Only, it worked better then because I was bigger and stronger. Now I just managed to make both of us fall on our faces.
“AL!!” Ed glared at me, “Why’d you push me down?! I need to beat up that pompous bastard!”
I immediately leapt off of him, “I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to knock you down! It was an accident!” I could feel his glare still on me, though softening very slowly, even as I looked away. “Besides… it was your fault for not listening.”
The silence was thick. Almost tangible. It was as if all the air had been sucked out of the room… or at least the ability to speak. I chanced a glance at Roy and Ed; the Colonel was alternating between looking at me or Ed. While my brother, he was still staring at me, but it was more of a searching gaze rather than a glare as it had been previously. I met his gaze evenly, waiting for him to say something. Anything! Those deep, gold eyes made me very nervous. I didn’t like how it looked like he could see every one of my thoughts.
Finally, I broke the silence. “What?” I asked Ed, not taking my eyes off his.
A faint blush came to his cheeks; golden eyes averting quickly. “Nothing…” he muttered, managing to heave himself up off the floor.
“Are you two done?” Roy inquired with the hint of amusement returning, “May we proceed, then?”
“Yes, sir.” we both spoke in unison, both oddly quiet.
“Alright then. Well, Fullmetal and I discussed the options of him traveling and doing fieldwork just like he had been before. He would travel when called and ordered to do so, but that would be far and few in between. Unfortunately, this would mean that he’d have maybe six months with nothing but the occasional reports and then maybe two to three month assignments. And according to Ed’s wishes, you wouldn’t accompany him.” he nodded in Ed’s direction, who in turn made a affirmation noise, “Then there’s the possibility of him landing an office job. With this, he would have paperwork to do, come into headquarters on a daily basis, and he’d be busy to say the least. But he wouldn’t get called on any assignments unless they were of dire emergency and there were no other State Alchemists available to take on the job. So, there are choices, Alphonse. You don’t have to lose your brother.”
I stared at the ground blankly, taking in all that he’d just told me. Weighing the options in my head, I took a shaky breath. Well… both have their good and bad points. With the office job, I wouldn’t have to worry about him leaving… but I know he doesn’t like to be cooped up and he’d be busy with paperwork. But with a field job, I wouldn’t see him for months at a time… but he’d be moving and helping people like he likes to do. But I would miss him. But this isn’t about me. But they want my opinion… Arrgh! This is getting confusing. I don’t know what to choose… I don’t want brother to be unhappy, but I don’t want to be unhappy either. Why can’t I just go with him on missions? It would makes things so much easier…
The gentle touch to my shoulder jerked me out of my thoughts. My head whipped up, long bangs getting in my eyes. I looked to my side, facing Ed who was the culprit of bringing me out of my head. “I’ll do whatever you want, Al.” I blinked at his blunt statement, “Whichever position you want me to take, I’ll take it without complaint. I promise, I’m not going to make things any harder for you then they need to be. So, what do you want me to do, Al?”
“I…” tiny pinpricks behind my eyes made it hard for me to reply. I don’t know! I wanted to scream, You’ve already made it too hard, brother! “I… uhh… I want you to…” I was making this into too big of a deal. I just needed to get it out. I opened my mouth, was going to say what I think would be best, but then I closed my mouth before so much as a breath got out.
“It’s your choice, Alphonse. Don’t worry.” Roy was telling me, but his voice sounded far away. In fact, everything looked far away. Like I wasn’t really there, but watching it all through someone else.
Ed’s voice too, it was far away, “Al? Hey, it’s okay. I won’t be mad. What do you want me to do?”
“Stay…” I managed to breath out, “I-I want you to stay, brother. Or-or at least let me stay with you! I can’t decide! I can’t! I know you want the field job, but you won’t let me come too, so then you should get the office job! But you hate sitting still for so long, so I don’t know. I don’t know, okay!” I was talking too fast, I could barely hear what I was saying. I didn’t even have time to register what I was saying.
“Al. Al! Slow down, I can’t understand a word you’re saying!” Ed shook me lightly, I shook my head. Back and forth and back and forth.
“I can’t.” I whispered, “I can’t, brother.”
I could feel him smiling, even as my head kept shaking, “Sure you can, Al. It’s easy. Just say what you want me to do and I’ll do it.”
“No. No. No. It’s your life. It’s yours, not mine.” I had no idea what I was babbling about. It was all really fast, like my heart beating. It was beating really fast. “It’s your life; everything you’ve done so far has been for me. Do something for you. It’s not my decision. It’s yours. It’s your life, you decide. Please. I can’t.”
Suddenly I was aware of something under me, which was probably a good thing since I didn’t trust my spaghetti legs. Roy was saying something, “Take a deep breath, Alphonse.” I did so, even if it didn’t feel like I was. Everything was moving really fast. Mustang was talking again, but I don’t think it was to me. “Does this happen often?”
“N-no. It doesn’t. I’ve never seen him act like this!” Ed was talking, he sounded worried. Guilty. Maybe a little mad? I don’t know.
Roy was addressing me again, “Has this happened before?”
“Has what happened before?” I repeated, trying to grasp onto his words before they flew past me with all the other fast stuff.
“Describe to me what you’re feeling.”
“I don’t know.” I replied, my voice didn’t sound like me. It was someone else’s voice. It had to be. I couldn’t possibly be that calm. “I don’t know; things are just fast and far away and I don’t like it.”
“Is it hard to breath?” he inquired, he was close but I couldn’t see him.
“Kind of.”
“Hard to think?”
“Kind of.”
“What else?” I could hear frantic pacing of auto mail and flesh. Step. Clonk. Step. Clonk. Step. Clonk. Edward was probably freaking out, I felt bad.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? Have you ever felt like this before?”
I thought for a moment, but it went by really fast. “Yes.”
“When?”
“At the hotel, when I woke up. I was alone.” I curled into myself, but it didn’t feel like I was moving at all, “Then again when I got lost. I couldn’t get out. I was lost and fast. Too fast. Why is it fast?”
“You’re hyperventilating, that’s all. A panic attack. Just take a few deep breaths and relax. Don’t panic.” Mustang’s voice sounded calm, but I couldn’t anchor to it. “Relax now, Al. Fullmetal! Stop pacing! You’ll wear a hole in the floor!”
Ed wasn’t so far away now, another deep breath. Things were getting clearer. Slowing down. “Well I’m sorry, Colonel jackass! But my little brother here is… is hyperventilating and I have no idea what to do!”
“You remain calm, that’s what you do.” came the rational, ‘why-can’t-you-think-like-a-normal-person’ remark.
I groaned, slumping in my seat when everything came to a halt. In front of my eyes were millions of little white dots clouding my vision, but they were fading away one by one. Once I could see again, for the most part, I searched the room for my brother’s face. He wasn’t as far as I’d thought. In fact, he was merely a foot, if not less, away from me. Mustang too, he was sitting beside me on the couch in his office. I rubbed at my face wearily; my skin felt all clammy and gross. What did one do while hyperventilating?
“Al?” I blinked at Edward, he knelt down in front of me quickly, “You okay now?”
Yawning a little, I nodded, “Mm-hmm… sorry, brother.”
“No, no, no. Don’t be sorry. It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.” he told me, patting my knee to reassure me of this.
I shook my head, “Mm-mm. It was. I overreacted, I should’ve just answered your question.”
The room was silent again. I think they were both thinking about what I had just said. The quiet didn’t bother me this time, I kind of liked it. Well, except for the fact that Ed was looking at me funny and then mentally berating himself. I can tell when he does it… when he blames himself. I hate it. I slapped at his arm lightly, barely making any force, and muttering a small ‘stop it’.
“So, this was about the question of Edward’s new position?” Mustang broke the silence, wanting me to clarify, “Why would you panic about this?”
I shrugged, but I did know why I’d panicked. It was the same reason as all the other times. I didn’t want my brother to leave me and forget about me. To me, that was probably what scared me the most… aside from him dying… “I don’t know.” was all I muttered. I couldn’t say why in front of Ed, it would just make him feel worse. “But, brother? I can’t decide for you… I’ll be happy for you and support you no matter what position you choose. Okay?”
Ed gazed at me sadly, but with determination too. A small grin forced it’s way onto his lips, “Right, Al. Okay.” Sighing, he turned to face Mustang, “I’ll take the promotion. I’ll work the desk job, but on one condition.”
I can’t even begin to explain the feeling of relief that overcame me.
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And there it is, folks! Maybe a little shorter than I'd first intended... but, I guess that just depends on your preference. Ne, I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow (or today, depending on if you consider midnight on a Sunday to be Monday) and I'll be there until Friday, so my next chapter may be a little late too. I'll try and work on it on the drive or if I have free time, so hopefully I'll get it out sooner then this one did. I hope you enjoyed it and have a good spring break everyone! (unless you've already had it...) Ja ne, minna-san!