Fic: Cover Up The Damage [8&9/10}
Title: Cover Up The Damage
Author: elphie_uk
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: M
Characters/Pairings: Morgana/Arthur, Merlin, Arthur and Gwen
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Summary: The public believe that Morgana le Fay has it all; she’s stunningly beautiful, envied by most women and fancied by most men, she’s going out with ‘Britain’s sexiest man’ and she’s a world-renowned classical pianist. But something has just blown her world apart.
Warnings: Pre-fic Incest (nothing graphic). Expletives. Modern AU.
A/N: Beta'd by thelovelylaura.
Thank you to themirrorofsin for reviewing! Sorry for the delay! I've just realised that I never posted part eight here! Sorry! So here's parts eight and nine together! I'll be posting the last chapter on Monday (I won't have internet before then).
8. Almost Unreal
Gwen looked at her watch, "Nine o'clock." She said aloud. She and Morgause had been sat Morgana's bedside for two hours now, but with the events of the last three days running through their heads, it seemed as though hardly any time had passed at all, "I thought that the visiting hours closed at eight."
"Paying for your healthcare can have its perks. I don't want Morgana to wake up alone." She had barely taken her eyes off her sister while she had been sleeping. Dr Taylor had told them that she would send someone down from psychiatrics when she woke up. Morgause doubted whether Morgana would speak to someone she didn't know when she wasn't even opening up to her closest friends and family.
Gwen looked up to see Arthur standing at the door looking solemnly down at Morgana. He didn't look like he had slept or shaved over the last three days. His eyes also had a dark look to them, though they were nothing compared to Morgana's. Gwen walked over to the door and placed her arms around him, "I'm so sorry Arthur." She noticed Merlin stood beside him.
"You're back? How is she?" he asked.
"Yes, and not good." Gwen replied looking down to the ground.
Arthur walked towards the bed, "She lost the baby?" Morgause looked up at him, "Merlin told me that she was pregnant."
"She is." Gwen told him, "She still is. She was… you were having twins, but she lost one." She had never been overly close to Arthur, she had always known him as Morgana's annoying little brother up until not long ago, and to be honest she had always found him rather arrogant, but then so had Morgana.
Arthur didn't know how to react to this news. He tried to imagine how he'd be feeling if they were still together, if things were still right, but he couldn't, "I… has… has she said what she's going to do?"
"She doesn't want to get rid of it," Morgause told him, "But at the same time I don't think she wants to keep it either." She was worried about Arthur being in here, scared that Morgana would wake up and it would just make things worse. She looked back down at Morgana,
Arthur had always liked to watch Morgana sleeping she had always looked doll-like, her beauty almost unreal, and now she just looked so fragile, "I understand that, I think. When's she being discharged?"
"We don't know. She might not be for a while yet. They're sending down a psychiatrist… she's had some sort of breakdown."
"I know." Arthur said forlornly.
Morgause's head snapped around, "You know? How do you know?"
"Shit" he thought; he had learned the hard way to never get into an argument with Morgause, "I… I," he decided just to tell the truth, "I saw her this afternoon."
Morgause could hardly speak through a mixture of anger and bewilderment, "Y-you saw her?" She stood up, "What do you mean you saw her, you came around to my house? How could you be so stupid?"
"I had to see her!" Arthur defended himself, "I hadn't seen her since we found out and… I'm struggling with all of this too you know!"
"I think Morgana's gone a bit beyond struggling Arthur!" She glared at him, her voice becoming increasingly raised. She was sympathetic to him, of course she was, but she couldn't let anyone underestimate how this had affected Morgana, even if no one knew the extent of the damage yet, "What happened when you were there?" she demanded to know.
Arthur turned and look out of the window. How could he admit what he had done? He took a deep breath, "The front door was open… I found her in her bedroom. She had broken a mirror and she was screaming at her reflection, picking up bits of the glass… She lay in it and… I took her to the bathroom to try and get out some of the glass… I… it's hard, you see! I still love her, I can't just stop loving her just like that!" He cried.
Merlin looked over to him, "We know Arthur." He said sympathetically, Arthur had already told him what had happened, and he knew that things weren't about to get any easier for Arthur.
"I… I couldn't help it… I kissed her and… and she kissed me back. After a few moments I realised what we were doing and…" he choked up, "And I pushed her way… she fell into the bath… she cried out in pain, but I ignored her… I killed my own child!" He looked back towards everyone.
No one was looking at him as though they blamed him. He imagined that Morgause wanted to tear lumps out of him, but she knew that she couldn't even begin to know how hard it was for both of them.
"It was just a horrible accident." Merlin reassured him.
He walked towards the sleeping Morgana, "I caused her physical pain and increased the amount of mental pain that she's suffering. I put her in here."
"She'll get the help that she needs here Arthur." Morgause looked up at him, tears in her eyes; it was her way of saying that he was forgiven for what he did. She wanted to blame him and scream at him, but that would in no way, shape or form help anything.
The ward sister came into the room, "Look, I let two of you stay here past visiting hours, but you're pushing it too far now. Please, you need to leave. Miss le Fay will be okay until the morning; we'll be keeping a very close eye on her."
Reluctantly, one by one the left the room; Merlin left first, closely followed by Gwen. Morgause kissed her sister on the forehead, "Come on Arthur," she gave an encouraging yet mournful smile, "We have to go now."
When they reached the door Arthur stopped and looked around, "I'm so sorry Morgana."
"You've never liked me, have you?" Arthur asked. He and Morgause were sitting together in the hospital gardens both of them reluctant to go home.
Morgause knew that home would mean having to clear up the glass and blood; she wasn't prepared for that yet, "Not really, no." She replied bluntly.
Arthur wasn't quite sure where home was at the moment; he had been staying with Merlin, sleeping on his sofa for the past couple of nights. He could easily stay in a hotel, but he knew that he would have just spent the last few days sucking the mini-bar dry. If it was possible, his encounter with Morgana might have had much more severe consequences if he had been drunk at the time, "You'll look after Morgana for me, won't you?"
She nodded, "Of course I will." They both knew that Arthur would have to leave Morgana's life all together if either of them were ever going to recover from this.
"What do you think she'll do? About the baby?" He asked, looking into her eyes for answers that she didn't have.
"I don't think anyone can tell what she'll do in regards to anything until she's got her head sorted out a bit." Was the best answer that she could give.
"I've always wanted kids. Morgana and I talked about it a few months ago… I think she was a bit freaked out by the idea if I'm honest! But I knew that she wanted it too." He laughed under his breath, remembering better times, "I don't know how I'm going to live without her."
"I know." Morgause had been through nasty breakups before where she thought that things had been near-perfect, but it had turned out all to be lies, so to some tiny extent she knew what Arthur was feeling.
"You will look after her? I've already asked that." He realised, "Has she been eating?"
She shook her head, "No, not really."
"Make sure she eats," He nodded. An image came into is head of his father giving their childminder instructions on how to look after them years ago, "I sometimes struggled to get her to even when times were good… well as good as times get with Morgana."
She furrowed her brow, "You weren't happy?"
He smiled, "Of course I was happy! She just… well you know her, you know that she's troubled. I don't think she ever got over her parents' deaths. I think she needed some sort of counselling even before any of this. I wonder if she was ever happy before."
"Oh she was," Morgause said instantly, "She was so happy with you… she was so in love."
He looked up across the garden at the window of her room, "I guess the question is, will she ever be happy again? Will any of us?"
9. All Her Glory
After seeing the state that Morgana was in that night, Gwen had been reluctant to see her again; everyone who had been there that night had been at first, and they all felt so guilty for feeling that way. Seeing the destruction and pain surrounding her… their natural instincts told them to avoid distress. But that wasn't an option, not for them and certainly not for Morgana herself.
Months had passed since then though, and Morgana was bound to be a different person to the one that Gwen had seen the night of her miscarriage. She had spent the time between then and now in a clinic, getting the help she needed from some of the best psychiatrists and therapists in the country. Gwen felt terrible for not having visited her over the fast few months; she had refused to see anyone at first and Gwen had eventually flown back to Kenya. Of course she could have come back to visit sooner; as soon as Merlin had phoned her to tell her that Morgana was letting people visit she had wanted to fly back, but she was scared.
She built up the courage to enter the clinic, to knowing that she wouldn't be encountering the version of Morgana that she had originally returned from Kenya to see, or the version that she had left behind. After being checked by security at reception and getting her visitors badge, the nurse led her towards Morgana's room.
"She's been looking forward to seeing you. You're her best friend, aren't you?" the nurse asked. Gwen knew that she was wondering why she hadn't been to visit sooner if she really was her best friend.
"Yes. Has Morgause been to visit much?" She moved the subject of the small conversation away from herself.
"She comes every few days. The boy with the black hair comes slightly less frequently, but he visits most weeks."
"Merlin." She smiled; Merlin had always had a little thing for Morgana (but then so did most people who came across the beauty, men and women alike), and though he would never act upon whatever feelings he had for her, he was determined to always be the best friend he possibly could to her. He had told Gwen this once when they were incredibly drunk, though Merlin's teenage crush had always been very obvious to her, "And Arthur?" she asked a little less optimistically.
The nurse hesitated, "I think most have agreed that it is probably best that he stays away."
They arrived at Morgana's room. The door way ajar, so Gwen knocked on it as she peeked her head around to find Morgana sitting bolt upright on the hospital bed, her legs folded and staring directly at the opposite window, looking almost as though she was in a primary school assembly hall.
"Morgana? Morgana it's me, Gwen."
Her head flicked around, and was somewhat more alert than she had been the last time that Gwen had seen her, "Gwen?" Her eyes still seemed wild and filled with pain, but there was something more peaceful in them, and it was clear that she was pleased to see her friend. She turned around to face her.
Gwen hadn't known quite how she would react when she saw her, but she smiled when she laid eyes on the soft yet definite bump that lay underneath Morgana's loose blouse, "You look gorgeous."
"Thanks." She grinned, bringing her quivering hand to her stomach. She seemed jittery and nervous, "How have you been?"
"I should be asking you that." Gwen replied, walking towards Morgana and sitting on the bed next to her. She felt uncomfortable, but asked, "How are you feeling?"
"Better." She nodded, as though still trying to confirm that fact to herself, "Definitely better." She turned around to look back outside, "That night… I know it sounds horrible, but after what happened with the baby it was almost like I could see a way forwards. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Gwen thought about this, "I guess so… I don't think I could ever properly understand to be honest." She looked at her friend, she was nervous, seeming unable to keep entirely still. She looked so pale, yet she was almost glowing; she was a different person to the girl she had seen all those months ago, but the entire incident had definitely left its scar on her. The weight on her shoulders and the pain in her eyes were still very evident, but even so, she could see that this girl had a future, "You decided to keep the baby then?"
Morgana looked down at her bump, "Apparently so! No one was going to make me get rid of it Gwen, no one." That was it; a glimpse of the old Morgana in all of her glory, "It's strange, but it's giving me a reason to get better. I was a mess Gwen, a real mess, and I know that I still am, but I know that with time and with help, the professional help that I'm getting, I'm going to be an amazing mother." She looked back towards her friend as she said this.
A wide smile broke across Gwen's face as she saw a glint in Morgana's eyes, a glint that told her that one day things would get better, "Of course you will be." She wrapped her arms around her.
"I can see a way out… It's only been four months, and I know that I can't underestimate the effects that this has had on me, but I'm so willing to get better, and I don't think I was before the miscarriage." Although she always felt nervous and on edge, she also felt a strength that she never knew she had, "Gwen… could you get Arthur to come here please?" She asked, hoping that she was ready to do this.
"Are you sure? Don't you think it might be too soon?" she asked. Morgana was obviously still fragile, and she was sure that he could very easily yet unwillingly push her off the edge.
"It's always going to be too soon. I could put this off forever, but he deserves to know what's going on Gwen, and I think we both need to talk, now that I can do so… coherently? Is that the right word?" She clutched Gwen's hand nervously.
"I don't know, is it?" She smiled, "You seem so much further into the recovery process than you did the last time I saw you." Gwen didn't quite know what that meant; she knew that everyone didn't recover in the same way, "Merlin's been giving me updates, but I've still been worried that I'd find you in the same state that I left you in. I'm so sorry I haven't visited."
"You've had other more important things to deal with. I know that the charity wouldn't have survived these past few months without you; those orphaned kids in Kenya need you more than I do." She moved a hair out of Gwen's face, "I have missed you though Gwen. And as for the recovery thing, that might be partly contributed to the mood stabilisers and… other drugs that my psychiatrist has put me on," she said half-jokingly, being rather unspecific; when she had been put on them originally she hadn't exactly been taking much in, "Recovery doesn't quite seem realistic at the moment… I'll settle for feeling normal again though." She said positively, "And I think that point might just about be in sight."
"We need to talk about what's going to happen in the future," Morgana told Arthur objectively, sat across the table from him in the clinic's morning room.
"Sounds good." Arthur said nervously. He felt guilty when he thought about what he would be losing in Morgana's plans and he felt dirty when he thought about how gorgeous Morgana was looking.
He had waited for Morgana in the morning room for ten minutes; the nurses had said that she hadn't wanted to meet him in her room, "Fashionably late." He had thought with an anxious smile upon his face. And then she entered; a vision in white. Her long, raven hair flowed down her back and over her shoulders. Her round bump was clearly visible underneath her cream polo neck jumper. Her fluffy slippers were peeking out from underneath her white linen trousers, which ruined the sophisticated ensemble from a fashion point of view, but it showed Arthur that, although she's trying to present a strong and smart front, she didn't just mean business, not really.
"I decided to keep the baby, obviously." She let out a shaky breath, almost a sigh of relief, "Even thinking about having an abortion made me feel guilty. This baby was made out of love and nothing else."
"I know. I think I knew from the start that you were never going to get rid of it." He didn't want to ask about what his role in the baby's life would be, he wasn't sure that he'd like what he would hear.
She smiled at him, wishing that their relationship could continue in some way, "And I have named the baby that we lost. I'm sorry that I didn't…consult you about it." She had never thought that speaking to Arthur could ever feel so uncomfortable
Arthur couldn't explain why he was so pleased that she had said 'we' lost instead of 'I' lost. He couldn't just forget about how in love they were, and a part of him refused to regard it as being sick or wrong, or as anything other than pure, "That's okay. What have you called it." He cringed a little at 'it'; 'it' was just so inhuman and impersonal.
"Morair. Family traditions and all that." She attempted a smile as she wiped away a tear.
"That's beautiful." They sat for silence for a few moments in respect and in grief for the child that they had both lost.
After a few minutes he asked, "What about this baby?" He looked down at her stomach. He had always wanted to be a father, a better one than his own was.
She started to play with her sleeves, looking down at the baby, "You know, I never imagined myself as a mother… even when I was a kid, before my life got messed up, I was never one for playing with dolls, pretending to be 'Mummy'." She had unwittingly carried on Arthur's train of thought, "And even as I got older, I never wanted to bring a child into the world, not just because I thought I'd be a terrible mother, but for fear that it might have to go through the same shit that I've had to. I guess that should be true now more so than ever. And I can't quite believe that I'm already going to have to lie to it about its parentage."
"What?" Arthur asked, knowing in his heart that what she would say next would most likely be right.
"Imagine what it would be like for him or her growing up, knowing that it was conceived through incest. Society would never accept it. The family has made no public statement since my breakdown; I know that there's been rumours that I'm pregnant, but we've made no further statement." She told Arthur what he already knew. It needed to be said though for clarity in her own mind.
"I know you've locked yourself away from it all since it happened, but that can't continue forever… when people find out that you're pregnant… you can't escape from that Morgana." He had been living with these rumours, with the constant questions from strangers. He was glad that Morgana could get away from the intrusiveness of fame.
"I'm going to tell the press that I had an affair." She said quickly, biting her lip in anticipation of Arthur's reaction.
"You can't do that Morgana! You can't ruin your own reputation because of this!" He didn't quite know how he felt about this.
"You think I care about my own reputation Arthur? I just care about my child and what kind of life it might have. And anyway, Merlin's already agreed that he'll say he's the father." Again she braced herself for response.
His eyes widened, "What? Merlin?"
"It's not that ridiculously unbelievable Arthur! He's a good man. I wish we could say this child was yours and I'm sorry for denying you your title as 'father', I know that it can't be easy. It can't know though, not until its old enough to understand." She knew that one day her child would be angry with her, that it could split them apart, "Understand's the wrong word… I'm not sure even I will ever truly understand this."
"I don't think I can have my child calling some other man Daddy. I know that she can't know who I am, but…" His lip trembled, "Morgana I don't think I can be 'uncle'."
"I could never think of you it that way, you know that I couldn't. And rest assured, Merlin won't ever be Daddy, not in private. I know that the press might not believe us, but I don't care." She was surprised at how stoic she had remained during this meeting; she hadn't known how she would react when seeing him, and that was part of the reason as to why she had put it off for so long, but she hadn't expected to be able to remain so in control of her emotions. She knew she had been shaking the entire time, and that her entire body language had changed over the last few months. Of course she had wanted to throw her arms around him; the feelings that she harboured for him would never go away, she was sure of that.
"We're going to make sure that this child is happy, that for at least the first few years of its life it has no idea about what's happened." Arthur said determinedly, "It's not going to have the most conventional of families, but that was to be expected with both of our backgrounds."
"Conventional!" She laughed, "Remind me what that means again?"
It was a glorious sound to hear her laughter, a beautiful sight to see her looking almost carefree, if only for a few seconds, "You're glowing Morgana; pregnancy suits you."
Morgana's smile softened as she looked down to her bump with so much love in her eyes, "When she kicks… it's the most amazing feeling."
"She?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
She shrugged, "I dunno… I don't really mind. As long as it's healthy." She knew that there was a definite possibility that it wouldn't be healthy, though she didn't want to think about that yet, "You know," She said, deciding to change the subject, "I haven't played the piano once since it happened." She said it so casually, as if it was just 'one of those funny little things'.
"Now that I find hard to believe! You used to struggle to go for a day without it." He said reminiscently.
"You used to say it was my drug." She stuck her tongue out at him playfully, before realising what she was doing. She drew back and looked into his eyes, "Why did we have to lose this Arthur?"
"Dad's been trying to contact me. It's been hard to resist him for all of these months, but… I just don't know what I would do if I saw him." He hadn't just lost Morgana through all of this; he had lost his father too. He had never had an amazing relationship with his father, but it had been difficult to see his love turn into loathing.
"He came here once… look Arthur, I really don't want to talk about him. I never want to see him again and I'll take an injunction out against him if I have to. I'm just going to concentrate on me and the baby. I just want to know what happiness feels like again." She placed her hand on his.
He didn't flinch or pull away as he thought that perhaps he should, but together they shared a few silent tears for everything that they had lost of the last few months. It had all been blown away in an instant and it would take more than a lifetime to ever truly recover, but they would both have to get on with their lives that were now much more separate than they had ever hoped to be. They would have to face the press again, and one day perhaps they would have to face Uther again. Morgana would have to face the world outside of the little bubble that she had locked herself in over the past four months, but they were both determined to live again. Morgana refused to 'cover up the damage' as Uther had told her to, but she hoped to live her life out of the spotlight from now on, though managing that might be a challenge in itself. But they would manage happiness again, in one way or another.
Author: elphie_uk
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: M
Characters/Pairings: Morgana/Arthur, Merlin, Arthur and Gwen
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Summary: The public believe that Morgana le Fay has it all; she’s stunningly beautiful, envied by most women and fancied by most men, she’s going out with ‘Britain’s sexiest man’ and she’s a world-renowned classical pianist. But something has just blown her world apart.
Warnings: Pre-fic Incest (nothing graphic). Expletives. Modern AU.
A/N: Beta'd by thelovelylaura.
Thank you to themirrorofsin for reviewing! Sorry for the delay! I've just realised that I never posted part eight here! Sorry! So here's parts eight and nine together! I'll be posting the last chapter on Monday (I won't have internet before then).
8. Almost Unreal
Gwen looked at her watch, "Nine o'clock." She said aloud. She and Morgause had been sat Morgana's bedside for two hours now, but with the events of the last three days running through their heads, it seemed as though hardly any time had passed at all, "I thought that the visiting hours closed at eight."
"Paying for your healthcare can have its perks. I don't want Morgana to wake up alone." She had barely taken her eyes off her sister while she had been sleeping. Dr Taylor had told them that she would send someone down from psychiatrics when she woke up. Morgause doubted whether Morgana would speak to someone she didn't know when she wasn't even opening up to her closest friends and family.
Gwen looked up to see Arthur standing at the door looking solemnly down at Morgana. He didn't look like he had slept or shaved over the last three days. His eyes also had a dark look to them, though they were nothing compared to Morgana's. Gwen walked over to the door and placed her arms around him, "I'm so sorry Arthur." She noticed Merlin stood beside him.
"You're back? How is she?" he asked.
"Yes, and not good." Gwen replied looking down to the ground.
Arthur walked towards the bed, "She lost the baby?" Morgause looked up at him, "Merlin told me that she was pregnant."
"She is." Gwen told him, "She still is. She was… you were having twins, but she lost one." She had never been overly close to Arthur, she had always known him as Morgana's annoying little brother up until not long ago, and to be honest she had always found him rather arrogant, but then so had Morgana.
Arthur didn't know how to react to this news. He tried to imagine how he'd be feeling if they were still together, if things were still right, but he couldn't, "I… has… has she said what she's going to do?"
"She doesn't want to get rid of it," Morgause told him, "But at the same time I don't think she wants to keep it either." She was worried about Arthur being in here, scared that Morgana would wake up and it would just make things worse. She looked back down at Morgana,
Arthur had always liked to watch Morgana sleeping she had always looked doll-like, her beauty almost unreal, and now she just looked so fragile, "I understand that, I think. When's she being discharged?"
"We don't know. She might not be for a while yet. They're sending down a psychiatrist… she's had some sort of breakdown."
"I know." Arthur said forlornly.
Morgause's head snapped around, "You know? How do you know?"
"Shit" he thought; he had learned the hard way to never get into an argument with Morgause, "I… I," he decided just to tell the truth, "I saw her this afternoon."
Morgause could hardly speak through a mixture of anger and bewilderment, "Y-you saw her?" She stood up, "What do you mean you saw her, you came around to my house? How could you be so stupid?"
"I had to see her!" Arthur defended himself, "I hadn't seen her since we found out and… I'm struggling with all of this too you know!"
"I think Morgana's gone a bit beyond struggling Arthur!" She glared at him, her voice becoming increasingly raised. She was sympathetic to him, of course she was, but she couldn't let anyone underestimate how this had affected Morgana, even if no one knew the extent of the damage yet, "What happened when you were there?" she demanded to know.
Arthur turned and look out of the window. How could he admit what he had done? He took a deep breath, "The front door was open… I found her in her bedroom. She had broken a mirror and she was screaming at her reflection, picking up bits of the glass… She lay in it and… I took her to the bathroom to try and get out some of the glass… I… it's hard, you see! I still love her, I can't just stop loving her just like that!" He cried.
Merlin looked over to him, "We know Arthur." He said sympathetically, Arthur had already told him what had happened, and he knew that things weren't about to get any easier for Arthur.
"I… I couldn't help it… I kissed her and… and she kissed me back. After a few moments I realised what we were doing and…" he choked up, "And I pushed her way… she fell into the bath… she cried out in pain, but I ignored her… I killed my own child!" He looked back towards everyone.
No one was looking at him as though they blamed him. He imagined that Morgause wanted to tear lumps out of him, but she knew that she couldn't even begin to know how hard it was for both of them.
"It was just a horrible accident." Merlin reassured him.
He walked towards the sleeping Morgana, "I caused her physical pain and increased the amount of mental pain that she's suffering. I put her in here."
"She'll get the help that she needs here Arthur." Morgause looked up at him, tears in her eyes; it was her way of saying that he was forgiven for what he did. She wanted to blame him and scream at him, but that would in no way, shape or form help anything.
The ward sister came into the room, "Look, I let two of you stay here past visiting hours, but you're pushing it too far now. Please, you need to leave. Miss le Fay will be okay until the morning; we'll be keeping a very close eye on her."
Reluctantly, one by one the left the room; Merlin left first, closely followed by Gwen. Morgause kissed her sister on the forehead, "Come on Arthur," she gave an encouraging yet mournful smile, "We have to go now."
When they reached the door Arthur stopped and looked around, "I'm so sorry Morgana."
"You've never liked me, have you?" Arthur asked. He and Morgause were sitting together in the hospital gardens both of them reluctant to go home.
Morgause knew that home would mean having to clear up the glass and blood; she wasn't prepared for that yet, "Not really, no." She replied bluntly.
Arthur wasn't quite sure where home was at the moment; he had been staying with Merlin, sleeping on his sofa for the past couple of nights. He could easily stay in a hotel, but he knew that he would have just spent the last few days sucking the mini-bar dry. If it was possible, his encounter with Morgana might have had much more severe consequences if he had been drunk at the time, "You'll look after Morgana for me, won't you?"
She nodded, "Of course I will." They both knew that Arthur would have to leave Morgana's life all together if either of them were ever going to recover from this.
"What do you think she'll do? About the baby?" He asked, looking into her eyes for answers that she didn't have.
"I don't think anyone can tell what she'll do in regards to anything until she's got her head sorted out a bit." Was the best answer that she could give.
"I've always wanted kids. Morgana and I talked about it a few months ago… I think she was a bit freaked out by the idea if I'm honest! But I knew that she wanted it too." He laughed under his breath, remembering better times, "I don't know how I'm going to live without her."
"I know." Morgause had been through nasty breakups before where she thought that things had been near-perfect, but it had turned out all to be lies, so to some tiny extent she knew what Arthur was feeling.
"You will look after her? I've already asked that." He realised, "Has she been eating?"
She shook her head, "No, not really."
"Make sure she eats," He nodded. An image came into is head of his father giving their childminder instructions on how to look after them years ago, "I sometimes struggled to get her to even when times were good… well as good as times get with Morgana."
She furrowed her brow, "You weren't happy?"
He smiled, "Of course I was happy! She just… well you know her, you know that she's troubled. I don't think she ever got over her parents' deaths. I think she needed some sort of counselling even before any of this. I wonder if she was ever happy before."
"Oh she was," Morgause said instantly, "She was so happy with you… she was so in love."
He looked up across the garden at the window of her room, "I guess the question is, will she ever be happy again? Will any of us?"
9. All Her Glory
After seeing the state that Morgana was in that night, Gwen had been reluctant to see her again; everyone who had been there that night had been at first, and they all felt so guilty for feeling that way. Seeing the destruction and pain surrounding her… their natural instincts told them to avoid distress. But that wasn't an option, not for them and certainly not for Morgana herself.
Months had passed since then though, and Morgana was bound to be a different person to the one that Gwen had seen the night of her miscarriage. She had spent the time between then and now in a clinic, getting the help she needed from some of the best psychiatrists and therapists in the country. Gwen felt terrible for not having visited her over the fast few months; she had refused to see anyone at first and Gwen had eventually flown back to Kenya. Of course she could have come back to visit sooner; as soon as Merlin had phoned her to tell her that Morgana was letting people visit she had wanted to fly back, but she was scared.
She built up the courage to enter the clinic, to knowing that she wouldn't be encountering the version of Morgana that she had originally returned from Kenya to see, or the version that she had left behind. After being checked by security at reception and getting her visitors badge, the nurse led her towards Morgana's room.
"She's been looking forward to seeing you. You're her best friend, aren't you?" the nurse asked. Gwen knew that she was wondering why she hadn't been to visit sooner if she really was her best friend.
"Yes. Has Morgause been to visit much?" She moved the subject of the small conversation away from herself.
"She comes every few days. The boy with the black hair comes slightly less frequently, but he visits most weeks."
"Merlin." She smiled; Merlin had always had a little thing for Morgana (but then so did most people who came across the beauty, men and women alike), and though he would never act upon whatever feelings he had for her, he was determined to always be the best friend he possibly could to her. He had told Gwen this once when they were incredibly drunk, though Merlin's teenage crush had always been very obvious to her, "And Arthur?" she asked a little less optimistically.
The nurse hesitated, "I think most have agreed that it is probably best that he stays away."
They arrived at Morgana's room. The door way ajar, so Gwen knocked on it as she peeked her head around to find Morgana sitting bolt upright on the hospital bed, her legs folded and staring directly at the opposite window, looking almost as though she was in a primary school assembly hall.
"Morgana? Morgana it's me, Gwen."
Her head flicked around, and was somewhat more alert than she had been the last time that Gwen had seen her, "Gwen?" Her eyes still seemed wild and filled with pain, but there was something more peaceful in them, and it was clear that she was pleased to see her friend. She turned around to face her.
Gwen hadn't known quite how she would react when she saw her, but she smiled when she laid eyes on the soft yet definite bump that lay underneath Morgana's loose blouse, "You look gorgeous."
"Thanks." She grinned, bringing her quivering hand to her stomach. She seemed jittery and nervous, "How have you been?"
"I should be asking you that." Gwen replied, walking towards Morgana and sitting on the bed next to her. She felt uncomfortable, but asked, "How are you feeling?"
"Better." She nodded, as though still trying to confirm that fact to herself, "Definitely better." She turned around to look back outside, "That night… I know it sounds horrible, but after what happened with the baby it was almost like I could see a way forwards. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Gwen thought about this, "I guess so… I don't think I could ever properly understand to be honest." She looked at her friend, she was nervous, seeming unable to keep entirely still. She looked so pale, yet she was almost glowing; she was a different person to the girl she had seen all those months ago, but the entire incident had definitely left its scar on her. The weight on her shoulders and the pain in her eyes were still very evident, but even so, she could see that this girl had a future, "You decided to keep the baby then?"
Morgana looked down at her bump, "Apparently so! No one was going to make me get rid of it Gwen, no one." That was it; a glimpse of the old Morgana in all of her glory, "It's strange, but it's giving me a reason to get better. I was a mess Gwen, a real mess, and I know that I still am, but I know that with time and with help, the professional help that I'm getting, I'm going to be an amazing mother." She looked back towards her friend as she said this.
A wide smile broke across Gwen's face as she saw a glint in Morgana's eyes, a glint that told her that one day things would get better, "Of course you will be." She wrapped her arms around her.
"I can see a way out… It's only been four months, and I know that I can't underestimate the effects that this has had on me, but I'm so willing to get better, and I don't think I was before the miscarriage." Although she always felt nervous and on edge, she also felt a strength that she never knew she had, "Gwen… could you get Arthur to come here please?" She asked, hoping that she was ready to do this.
"Are you sure? Don't you think it might be too soon?" she asked. Morgana was obviously still fragile, and she was sure that he could very easily yet unwillingly push her off the edge.
"It's always going to be too soon. I could put this off forever, but he deserves to know what's going on Gwen, and I think we both need to talk, now that I can do so… coherently? Is that the right word?" She clutched Gwen's hand nervously.
"I don't know, is it?" She smiled, "You seem so much further into the recovery process than you did the last time I saw you." Gwen didn't quite know what that meant; she knew that everyone didn't recover in the same way, "Merlin's been giving me updates, but I've still been worried that I'd find you in the same state that I left you in. I'm so sorry I haven't visited."
"You've had other more important things to deal with. I know that the charity wouldn't have survived these past few months without you; those orphaned kids in Kenya need you more than I do." She moved a hair out of Gwen's face, "I have missed you though Gwen. And as for the recovery thing, that might be partly contributed to the mood stabilisers and… other drugs that my psychiatrist has put me on," she said half-jokingly, being rather unspecific; when she had been put on them originally she hadn't exactly been taking much in, "Recovery doesn't quite seem realistic at the moment… I'll settle for feeling normal again though." She said positively, "And I think that point might just about be in sight."
"We need to talk about what's going to happen in the future," Morgana told Arthur objectively, sat across the table from him in the clinic's morning room.
"Sounds good." Arthur said nervously. He felt guilty when he thought about what he would be losing in Morgana's plans and he felt dirty when he thought about how gorgeous Morgana was looking.
He had waited for Morgana in the morning room for ten minutes; the nurses had said that she hadn't wanted to meet him in her room, "Fashionably late." He had thought with an anxious smile upon his face. And then she entered; a vision in white. Her long, raven hair flowed down her back and over her shoulders. Her round bump was clearly visible underneath her cream polo neck jumper. Her fluffy slippers were peeking out from underneath her white linen trousers, which ruined the sophisticated ensemble from a fashion point of view, but it showed Arthur that, although she's trying to present a strong and smart front, she didn't just mean business, not really.
"I decided to keep the baby, obviously." She let out a shaky breath, almost a sigh of relief, "Even thinking about having an abortion made me feel guilty. This baby was made out of love and nothing else."
"I know. I think I knew from the start that you were never going to get rid of it." He didn't want to ask about what his role in the baby's life would be, he wasn't sure that he'd like what he would hear.
She smiled at him, wishing that their relationship could continue in some way, "And I have named the baby that we lost. I'm sorry that I didn't…consult you about it." She had never thought that speaking to Arthur could ever feel so uncomfortable
Arthur couldn't explain why he was so pleased that she had said 'we' lost instead of 'I' lost. He couldn't just forget about how in love they were, and a part of him refused to regard it as being sick or wrong, or as anything other than pure, "That's okay. What have you called it." He cringed a little at 'it'; 'it' was just so inhuman and impersonal.
"Morair. Family traditions and all that." She attempted a smile as she wiped away a tear.
"That's beautiful." They sat for silence for a few moments in respect and in grief for the child that they had both lost.
After a few minutes he asked, "What about this baby?" He looked down at her stomach. He had always wanted to be a father, a better one than his own was.
She started to play with her sleeves, looking down at the baby, "You know, I never imagined myself as a mother… even when I was a kid, before my life got messed up, I was never one for playing with dolls, pretending to be 'Mummy'." She had unwittingly carried on Arthur's train of thought, "And even as I got older, I never wanted to bring a child into the world, not just because I thought I'd be a terrible mother, but for fear that it might have to go through the same shit that I've had to. I guess that should be true now more so than ever. And I can't quite believe that I'm already going to have to lie to it about its parentage."
"What?" Arthur asked, knowing in his heart that what she would say next would most likely be right.
"Imagine what it would be like for him or her growing up, knowing that it was conceived through incest. Society would never accept it. The family has made no public statement since my breakdown; I know that there's been rumours that I'm pregnant, but we've made no further statement." She told Arthur what he already knew. It needed to be said though for clarity in her own mind.
"I know you've locked yourself away from it all since it happened, but that can't continue forever… when people find out that you're pregnant… you can't escape from that Morgana." He had been living with these rumours, with the constant questions from strangers. He was glad that Morgana could get away from the intrusiveness of fame.
"I'm going to tell the press that I had an affair." She said quickly, biting her lip in anticipation of Arthur's reaction.
"You can't do that Morgana! You can't ruin your own reputation because of this!" He didn't quite know how he felt about this.
"You think I care about my own reputation Arthur? I just care about my child and what kind of life it might have. And anyway, Merlin's already agreed that he'll say he's the father." Again she braced herself for response.
His eyes widened, "What? Merlin?"
"It's not that ridiculously unbelievable Arthur! He's a good man. I wish we could say this child was yours and I'm sorry for denying you your title as 'father', I know that it can't be easy. It can't know though, not until its old enough to understand." She knew that one day her child would be angry with her, that it could split them apart, "Understand's the wrong word… I'm not sure even I will ever truly understand this."
"I don't think I can have my child calling some other man Daddy. I know that she can't know who I am, but…" His lip trembled, "Morgana I don't think I can be 'uncle'."
"I could never think of you it that way, you know that I couldn't. And rest assured, Merlin won't ever be Daddy, not in private. I know that the press might not believe us, but I don't care." She was surprised at how stoic she had remained during this meeting; she hadn't known how she would react when seeing him, and that was part of the reason as to why she had put it off for so long, but she hadn't expected to be able to remain so in control of her emotions. She knew she had been shaking the entire time, and that her entire body language had changed over the last few months. Of course she had wanted to throw her arms around him; the feelings that she harboured for him would never go away, she was sure of that.
"We're going to make sure that this child is happy, that for at least the first few years of its life it has no idea about what's happened." Arthur said determinedly, "It's not going to have the most conventional of families, but that was to be expected with both of our backgrounds."
"Conventional!" She laughed, "Remind me what that means again?"
It was a glorious sound to hear her laughter, a beautiful sight to see her looking almost carefree, if only for a few seconds, "You're glowing Morgana; pregnancy suits you."
Morgana's smile softened as she looked down to her bump with so much love in her eyes, "When she kicks… it's the most amazing feeling."
"She?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
She shrugged, "I dunno… I don't really mind. As long as it's healthy." She knew that there was a definite possibility that it wouldn't be healthy, though she didn't want to think about that yet, "You know," She said, deciding to change the subject, "I haven't played the piano once since it happened." She said it so casually, as if it was just 'one of those funny little things'.
"Now that I find hard to believe! You used to struggle to go for a day without it." He said reminiscently.
"You used to say it was my drug." She stuck her tongue out at him playfully, before realising what she was doing. She drew back and looked into his eyes, "Why did we have to lose this Arthur?"
"Dad's been trying to contact me. It's been hard to resist him for all of these months, but… I just don't know what I would do if I saw him." He hadn't just lost Morgana through all of this; he had lost his father too. He had never had an amazing relationship with his father, but it had been difficult to see his love turn into loathing.
"He came here once… look Arthur, I really don't want to talk about him. I never want to see him again and I'll take an injunction out against him if I have to. I'm just going to concentrate on me and the baby. I just want to know what happiness feels like again." She placed her hand on his.
He didn't flinch or pull away as he thought that perhaps he should, but together they shared a few silent tears for everything that they had lost of the last few months. It had all been blown away in an instant and it would take more than a lifetime to ever truly recover, but they would both have to get on with their lives that were now much more separate than they had ever hoped to be. They would have to face the press again, and one day perhaps they would have to face Uther again. Morgana would have to face the world outside of the little bubble that she had locked herself in over the past four months, but they were both determined to live again. Morgana refused to 'cover up the damage' as Uther had told her to, but she hoped to live her life out of the spotlight from now on, though managing that might be a challenge in itself. But they would manage happiness again, in one way or another.