Our hats off to cats!
I have had two three day weekends in a row, so I'm now well rested for the full week of coming into work and not making a whole lot of money. I guess I could be unemployed and selling off everything I own except for a change of clothes and my computer. I guarantee someone out there is doing that right now. In fact I know they are, because I have super-secret psychic powers that will amaze and astound you!!!
I few weeks ago I bought the movie "The Day After". Note that this isn't "The Day After Tomorrow", a movie that features great CGI disasters and Dennis Quaid's big fat head. Or is it Randy Quaid? I can never get my Quaids straight. This movie also lacked a great story from my friend Robyn about the guy at the dealership when she went looking for cars. He was a creepy salesman, complete with pink shirt and shaved head who told her his whole sob story about dumping his girlfriend that he apparently brought up from poverty. I think she still lived in a trailer park, so I hate to think where she was before he "rescued" her. Then he proceeded to hit on Robyn the whole time, and even did a special call-back to ask about the car.
Shit, I still need to get ahold of her about our amazing comedy...
Anyway, "The Day After" is a movie about Steve Guttenberg and his addiction to painkillers after completing the movie "Short Circuit". Did you know that when I was a little kid, I actually told someone that my favorite actor at the time was the robot Johnny 5? I may have been functionaly retarded when I was a kid.
Oh, how I wish that was the real movie. "They Day After" is about the effects of nuclear war on a few towns in the midwest. Kansas City and some other shit-hole bergs that get wiped out so who knows what they're called. Because Raytown (home of Mamma from Mamma's Family) is in the middle of Kansas City, and that show was probably on the air the same time this movie aired, its a safe bet Mamma and Vinton both got reduced to ash instantly. And Iola... poor little shrew Iola...
The first half of this movie killed my brother because it contained none of his ingredients for movie magic. Namely violence and drug use. He'd never admit to it, but if he were a movie reviewer most movies would get a thumbs down because they didn't contain one of those two elements of movie magic.
The first half gives us a slow build up where we meet all our players in the film. A family who lives out in the country, the boyfriend of the girl in that family, a few doctors, a few medical students, the token black guy. We are also graced by the prescence of two theatrical giants; John Lithgow and Steve Guttenberg. John Lithgow you'll know from Harry and the Hendersons, Third Rock from the Sun, and probably some other well-read literate movie about something dramatic. Steve Guttenberg you'll know from such intellectual films such as Police Accademy , Police Accademy 2, Police Accedemy 3, Short Circuit, and some alley behind a McDonald's.
This all takes place in 1983, and the Cold War is raging like and ice-cold fire. All over the radio and TV are reports about tension over the East and West German border. Farm girl runs out to sleep with her med school boyfriend. John Lithgow doubts war. Doctor's just fuck around because its a new semester at med school. Black guy is with the military and is somehow connected (of course) with a missle silo.
The build up to destruction is so slow I could have, at the age of three, taken a boat to Russia, stole a nuclear warhead and brought it back to America where I would have detonated it. What we all have to understand is that at the time NATO claimed Russia was going to be unstopable. A steady advance of infantry and armor through the Berlin wall, artillery lobbing CS shells all over the damn place. The only way we'd be able to stop them would be the use of nuclear weapons to halt the advance and keep them from pushing us out of Europe and into the sea. Or bring in Steven Segal, which would have worked better because I don't think he was fat or crazy in '83.
Perhaps tension would be a bad way for me to describe it, though I'm sure thats what they wanted. After an hour of "Oh, will the Russians strike first? I don't know, so I'll just hem and haw about it for 10 minutes while we listen to the radio.", I wanted the Russians to nuke us.
I also hate it when people say the phrase "hem and haw". Just thinking about it drives me insane.
Before the strike, we're introduced to plucky young first year med-school student Steve Guttenberg. Like I did, you'll think "Nuclear weapons! Ha! Steve Guttenberg is here! Surely he is immune to radiation and will lead the way to a new post-apocalyptic world." Because TV would never harm Steve Guttenberg, right?
He gets to school, and the Russians have already started getting aggressive. The news said something about planes or tanks, but my guess was someone spouted off a few too many Yakov Smirnov jokes. I'd invade West Germany too after a few too many "In Soviet Russia, TV watches YOU" jokes. In response Guttenberg goes home, but gets left outside right as the nukes are about to hit.
Air command goes up, our ICBM's launch, our long range bombers take off, and theres a 5 minute montage of people staring up into the sky as the ICBMs take off. Despite repeated warnings about increased tensions in Europe and the possibility that everyone will die a horrible radioactive death, everyone is out at school or enjoying a baseball game. Only the country folk are shoveling dirt over windows and preparing basements.
Those of us living in the midwest should know, we're really fucked. Theres a ton of ICBM silos in western Missouri along with some airfield bases. Fuck, over here theres a air force base, a refinery, and St. Louis. Thats at least three warheads coming my way. If you were to look at a map of Missouri that showed possible targets, the whole west half of MIssouri is fucked about 30 times over. Who wants to move to South Dakota? Wyoming maybe?
After the missles launch, whats next? You know the Russians, while pretty drunk, probably noticed a few hundred missle-shaped objects heading their way. They are probably going to retailiate, and not just with foul language. Of course, black guy knows this immediately as he is stationed as a guard at one of the ICBM silos. After the missle launched, why are we bothering to stay here guarding a big hole in the ground? This would have been the perfect time for him to declare "black rage" and kill the white folks he was with. Instead they go ahead and climb down into the control room with the ICBM operators so they can mooch off the 3 month supply of food and water down there. Black guy just runs like fuck. I would too if I knew for a fact a missle was going to come down, literally, on top of my head.
Country dad is apparently the only person in America that ever read a Civil Defense pamphlet on nuclear war. The basement is stocked with flashlights, candles, radios, waste storage, batteries, food, and a shotgun. Getting everyone downstairs is a chore because county daughter is about to get married and is going nuts because her boyfriend is out in Nuclear America. Country mom can't accept that "Hey, we're about to get bombed to fuck" and has to be physically picked up and moved to the basement. Country son is playing outside. Because hes a kid, he looks directly at the explosion. Here's something to keep in mind in case of nuclear attack. Don't look at the goddamn flash. You don't look at the sun, do you? Don't fucking look at the flash. Why not? Because for a brief moment that explosion is the brightest point of light in THE ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM. And its 10 miles away from your goddamn face. Fucking don't fucking look at the fucking flash. Fuck. Now country son is blind.
Backtrack to doctors at the medical school. Just doctoring around, safe and sound inside the hospital. Old doctor thinks "Wow, I'm sad I didn't tell my wife I was leaving for work today, in 10 minutes shes going to be a lump of concentrated carbon." John Lithgow, the dashing science guy manages to hole up in the basement of some lab with a few students who build a shortwave radio out of a tuna fish sandwhich and car parts.
Enter the atomic bomb. The effects for this movie were about as bad as they come, but my brother was happy because people finally started to die. The bombing sequence was just a 10 minute run of every piece of footage you've already seen about nuclear weapons, spliced with people getting fried. It seems that when you die in a nuclear explosion, things turn red, your skeleton glows, and then you disappear.
Every one is holed up but black guy and Guttenberg. Black guy has a blanket and wanders the area while ash falls from the post-apocalyptic sky (to borrow a line from Sifl and Olly). Guttenberg (or "the Gutte") is unphased and stumbles across the house of country family. The Gutte manages to convince country dad to let him in to the basement, as the rest of the house is pretty fucked up.
The after effects of the war are pretty realistic for a movie that did such a weird job with the bombing itself. Country family has a field full of black ash and dead bloated animal carcases. Cities and towns are beyond repair, as the broken splinters of buildings litter the streets and trap cars and the blackened remains of the unfortunate ones who were caught unprotected. Those that survived are bloody and crippled, making their way to the one place they can think of, the hospital. Vinton was reduced to cloud of dust swirling in the breeze while in caught in mid-coitus with his wife Naomi.
Every one inside the hospital is fine, well, except for the ever increasing mass of dying and wounded, no power, no safe water, and a lack of tasty oranges. Lithgow (or "da Big JL feat. Sexy Snaggletooth and the Tuna Fish Playaz") is busy trying to contact the outside world with his radio.
Days go by, those inside wait for the rad count to drop to a sort of safe level. Country daughter goes nuts thinking about her now dead boyfriend and takes off outside, the Gutte chasing her all the way all the while jumping over and manouvering around dead rubbery horses. After kicking up 13 metric tons of radioactive dust and inhaling all of it, he manages to get country daughter back inside. Black guy wanders the highways and by-ways, saves a guy from getting shot by other survivors when trying to get a drink of water, and then they make their way to the hospital. He also fees that guy a Snikcers bar, because a Snickers satisfies even after the world ends. The hosipital, of course, is now home to hundreds of cranky and splotchy people who got alittle more than a healthy dose of radiation. Because people are assholes who can't follow kindergarten rules in the case of an emergency, they nearly kill the doctors when they are told they need to move to another building on campus to free the current one up for the seriously sick and wounded.
Fuck being a doctor, especially after a major emergency. You'd think people would be appreciative of you and your healing skills and medical knowledge. But no, not these days. People will take their slightly sick kid with a cold to the hospital, and then flip the fuck out when the doctor either A) diagnoses the cold as nothing major or B) diagnoses the cold as serious and attempts to treat the sickness but the kid cries about it. I guess that whole year of either ignoring your kid or leaving it with your parents makes you a medical expert. Doctors must be real suckers for going to school!
Getting back on track, everyone is pretty fucked. Country son is still blind, and everyone who was outside and got irradiated are not doing so hot. Black guy fins this out the hard way, as he and the Snicker's Kid find their way to a camp of survivors. Make shift tents, ragged clothes, boils, burns and cuts, hobo chili. Its just how I remember Boy Scout camp. Survivors were lining up to check in, but why bother? The fat man at the table has no medical skills. I think he only had one eye. Black man and the Snicker's Kid leave and continue on. Country family attends church at the gutted remains of a church. The hospital is now a large camp of survivors who are running out of everything, including space to bury the dead.
Eventually, everyone has to go to the hospital. The Gutte takes country daughter and son in a horse and buggy, as county son is blond and the Gutte and country daughter are showing symptoms of radiation poisoning. Where they kept the extra horses so they didn't die is beyond me. Heres an extra tip: to avoid having everything you own getting fried by EMP during a nuclear blast, wrap it in tinfoil or metal screen (as used in screen doors). Your '89 Astro van is going to require at least $50 in tin foil alone.
Things are not looking good for anyone. A meeting is called for farmers, so they can get organized and start growing crops again. The solution? Just go ahead and shave off the top 6 inches of topsoil, get rid of it, and start a plantin'! Which sounds reasonable, but we're in farming country. Almost all the animals are dead, and you will be too after inhaling all those wonderful radiation laden lungfuls of dust. Not to mention you'll also be doing all 100 acres of your farmland by hand. Just you and a shovel. Black guy and the Snicker's Kid make it to the hospital, but black guy is fucked. His hair and teeth are falling out and hes gone insane. The Gutte, who is still kinda healthy, gets to join the shovel brigade and dig mass graves to bury all the dead. Country son is still blind, but ok. Country daughter is bald and out of her mind waiting for her dead boyfriend to come back.
But, oh my! Its a radio address from the president! "My fellow Americans, we nuked ourselves some Commie ass and came out as winners! Stay strong, stay black. I'll check you niggaz later, peace!"
I always like the presidential address after the bomb. Alas, Babylon was my first. Okay, it wasn't exactly from the president, but it was close. After living in radiated Florida for months, the Airforce comes along and says "Ah-yup! We bombed 'em good and won!" Does it even matter anymore? Does having all my hair and teeth fall out, a failing immune system, and rotting from the inside constitute winning? I guess it would if I were the president and I was safe and secure the entire time and sat in a bunker somewhere waiting for press photos to reach those who can still see.
After dealing with an endless stream of wounded, old doctor deems it time for a vacation. The Gutte goes to check on country daughter, who is now far gone. Her hair has all fallen out and she is pale and gaunt. The Gutte is no catch either, as he is covered in sores and raw patches of skin, his hair has fallen out and he can't wear a hat properly.
Old doctor goes back to the crater that was his home and finds a few survivors there. He cries and screams at them, telling them to leave. They don't move. Old doctor finally breaks down in the middle of the ruins, and one of the survivors approaches him. He hands him a piece of fruit, and hugs him as the camera fades out.
"The Day After" is pretty depressing. I've never seen a nuclear war before, but this move claims this was the best case scenario. The best result was pretty horrible, so fuck seeing what the worst would be. The moral here is: Nuclear weapons are not a toy. Place on ground before use. Light fuse and step away. May cause injuries. Please consult a physician if symptoms persist.
I few weeks ago I bought the movie "The Day After". Note that this isn't "The Day After Tomorrow", a movie that features great CGI disasters and Dennis Quaid's big fat head. Or is it Randy Quaid? I can never get my Quaids straight. This movie also lacked a great story from my friend Robyn about the guy at the dealership when she went looking for cars. He was a creepy salesman, complete with pink shirt and shaved head who told her his whole sob story about dumping his girlfriend that he apparently brought up from poverty. I think she still lived in a trailer park, so I hate to think where she was before he "rescued" her. Then he proceeded to hit on Robyn the whole time, and even did a special call-back to ask about the car.
Shit, I still need to get ahold of her about our amazing comedy...
Anyway, "The Day After" is a movie about Steve Guttenberg and his addiction to painkillers after completing the movie "Short Circuit". Did you know that when I was a little kid, I actually told someone that my favorite actor at the time was the robot Johnny 5? I may have been functionaly retarded when I was a kid.
Oh, how I wish that was the real movie. "They Day After" is about the effects of nuclear war on a few towns in the midwest. Kansas City and some other shit-hole bergs that get wiped out so who knows what they're called. Because Raytown (home of Mamma from Mamma's Family) is in the middle of Kansas City, and that show was probably on the air the same time this movie aired, its a safe bet Mamma and Vinton both got reduced to ash instantly. And Iola... poor little shrew Iola...
The first half of this movie killed my brother because it contained none of his ingredients for movie magic. Namely violence and drug use. He'd never admit to it, but if he were a movie reviewer most movies would get a thumbs down because they didn't contain one of those two elements of movie magic.
The first half gives us a slow build up where we meet all our players in the film. A family who lives out in the country, the boyfriend of the girl in that family, a few doctors, a few medical students, the token black guy. We are also graced by the prescence of two theatrical giants; John Lithgow and Steve Guttenberg. John Lithgow you'll know from Harry and the Hendersons, Third Rock from the Sun, and probably some other well-read literate movie about something dramatic. Steve Guttenberg you'll know from such intellectual films such as Police Accademy , Police Accademy 2, Police Accedemy 3, Short Circuit, and some alley behind a McDonald's.
This all takes place in 1983, and the Cold War is raging like and ice-cold fire. All over the radio and TV are reports about tension over the East and West German border. Farm girl runs out to sleep with her med school boyfriend. John Lithgow doubts war. Doctor's just fuck around because its a new semester at med school. Black guy is with the military and is somehow connected (of course) with a missle silo.
The build up to destruction is so slow I could have, at the age of three, taken a boat to Russia, stole a nuclear warhead and brought it back to America where I would have detonated it. What we all have to understand is that at the time NATO claimed Russia was going to be unstopable. A steady advance of infantry and armor through the Berlin wall, artillery lobbing CS shells all over the damn place. The only way we'd be able to stop them would be the use of nuclear weapons to halt the advance and keep them from pushing us out of Europe and into the sea. Or bring in Steven Segal, which would have worked better because I don't think he was fat or crazy in '83.
Perhaps tension would be a bad way for me to describe it, though I'm sure thats what they wanted. After an hour of "Oh, will the Russians strike first? I don't know, so I'll just hem and haw about it for 10 minutes while we listen to the radio.", I wanted the Russians to nuke us.
I also hate it when people say the phrase "hem and haw". Just thinking about it drives me insane.
Before the strike, we're introduced to plucky young first year med-school student Steve Guttenberg. Like I did, you'll think "Nuclear weapons! Ha! Steve Guttenberg is here! Surely he is immune to radiation and will lead the way to a new post-apocalyptic world." Because TV would never harm Steve Guttenberg, right?
He gets to school, and the Russians have already started getting aggressive. The news said something about planes or tanks, but my guess was someone spouted off a few too many Yakov Smirnov jokes. I'd invade West Germany too after a few too many "In Soviet Russia, TV watches YOU" jokes. In response Guttenberg goes home, but gets left outside right as the nukes are about to hit.
Air command goes up, our ICBM's launch, our long range bombers take off, and theres a 5 minute montage of people staring up into the sky as the ICBMs take off. Despite repeated warnings about increased tensions in Europe and the possibility that everyone will die a horrible radioactive death, everyone is out at school or enjoying a baseball game. Only the country folk are shoveling dirt over windows and preparing basements.
Those of us living in the midwest should know, we're really fucked. Theres a ton of ICBM silos in western Missouri along with some airfield bases. Fuck, over here theres a air force base, a refinery, and St. Louis. Thats at least three warheads coming my way. If you were to look at a map of Missouri that showed possible targets, the whole west half of MIssouri is fucked about 30 times over. Who wants to move to South Dakota? Wyoming maybe?
After the missles launch, whats next? You know the Russians, while pretty drunk, probably noticed a few hundred missle-shaped objects heading their way. They are probably going to retailiate, and not just with foul language. Of course, black guy knows this immediately as he is stationed as a guard at one of the ICBM silos. After the missle launched, why are we bothering to stay here guarding a big hole in the ground? This would have been the perfect time for him to declare "black rage" and kill the white folks he was with. Instead they go ahead and climb down into the control room with the ICBM operators so they can mooch off the 3 month supply of food and water down there. Black guy just runs like fuck. I would too if I knew for a fact a missle was going to come down, literally, on top of my head.
Country dad is apparently the only person in America that ever read a Civil Defense pamphlet on nuclear war. The basement is stocked with flashlights, candles, radios, waste storage, batteries, food, and a shotgun. Getting everyone downstairs is a chore because county daughter is about to get married and is going nuts because her boyfriend is out in Nuclear America. Country mom can't accept that "Hey, we're about to get bombed to fuck" and has to be physically picked up and moved to the basement. Country son is playing outside. Because hes a kid, he looks directly at the explosion. Here's something to keep in mind in case of nuclear attack. Don't look at the goddamn flash. You don't look at the sun, do you? Don't fucking look at the flash. Why not? Because for a brief moment that explosion is the brightest point of light in THE ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM. And its 10 miles away from your goddamn face. Fucking don't fucking look at the fucking flash. Fuck. Now country son is blind.
Backtrack to doctors at the medical school. Just doctoring around, safe and sound inside the hospital. Old doctor thinks "Wow, I'm sad I didn't tell my wife I was leaving for work today, in 10 minutes shes going to be a lump of concentrated carbon." John Lithgow, the dashing science guy manages to hole up in the basement of some lab with a few students who build a shortwave radio out of a tuna fish sandwhich and car parts.
Enter the atomic bomb. The effects for this movie were about as bad as they come, but my brother was happy because people finally started to die. The bombing sequence was just a 10 minute run of every piece of footage you've already seen about nuclear weapons, spliced with people getting fried. It seems that when you die in a nuclear explosion, things turn red, your skeleton glows, and then you disappear.
Every one is holed up but black guy and Guttenberg. Black guy has a blanket and wanders the area while ash falls from the post-apocalyptic sky (to borrow a line from Sifl and Olly). Guttenberg (or "the Gutte") is unphased and stumbles across the house of country family. The Gutte manages to convince country dad to let him in to the basement, as the rest of the house is pretty fucked up.
The after effects of the war are pretty realistic for a movie that did such a weird job with the bombing itself. Country family has a field full of black ash and dead bloated animal carcases. Cities and towns are beyond repair, as the broken splinters of buildings litter the streets and trap cars and the blackened remains of the unfortunate ones who were caught unprotected. Those that survived are bloody and crippled, making their way to the one place they can think of, the hospital. Vinton was reduced to cloud of dust swirling in the breeze while in caught in mid-coitus with his wife Naomi.
Every one inside the hospital is fine, well, except for the ever increasing mass of dying and wounded, no power, no safe water, and a lack of tasty oranges. Lithgow (or "da Big JL feat. Sexy Snaggletooth and the Tuna Fish Playaz") is busy trying to contact the outside world with his radio.
Days go by, those inside wait for the rad count to drop to a sort of safe level. Country daughter goes nuts thinking about her now dead boyfriend and takes off outside, the Gutte chasing her all the way all the while jumping over and manouvering around dead rubbery horses. After kicking up 13 metric tons of radioactive dust and inhaling all of it, he manages to get country daughter back inside. Black guy wanders the highways and by-ways, saves a guy from getting shot by other survivors when trying to get a drink of water, and then they make their way to the hospital. He also fees that guy a Snikcers bar, because a Snickers satisfies even after the world ends. The hosipital, of course, is now home to hundreds of cranky and splotchy people who got alittle more than a healthy dose of radiation. Because people are assholes who can't follow kindergarten rules in the case of an emergency, they nearly kill the doctors when they are told they need to move to another building on campus to free the current one up for the seriously sick and wounded.
Fuck being a doctor, especially after a major emergency. You'd think people would be appreciative of you and your healing skills and medical knowledge. But no, not these days. People will take their slightly sick kid with a cold to the hospital, and then flip the fuck out when the doctor either A) diagnoses the cold as nothing major or B) diagnoses the cold as serious and attempts to treat the sickness but the kid cries about it. I guess that whole year of either ignoring your kid or leaving it with your parents makes you a medical expert. Doctors must be real suckers for going to school!
Getting back on track, everyone is pretty fucked. Country son is still blind, and everyone who was outside and got irradiated are not doing so hot. Black guy fins this out the hard way, as he and the Snicker's Kid find their way to a camp of survivors. Make shift tents, ragged clothes, boils, burns and cuts, hobo chili. Its just how I remember Boy Scout camp. Survivors were lining up to check in, but why bother? The fat man at the table has no medical skills. I think he only had one eye. Black man and the Snicker's Kid leave and continue on. Country family attends church at the gutted remains of a church. The hospital is now a large camp of survivors who are running out of everything, including space to bury the dead.
Eventually, everyone has to go to the hospital. The Gutte takes country daughter and son in a horse and buggy, as county son is blond and the Gutte and country daughter are showing symptoms of radiation poisoning. Where they kept the extra horses so they didn't die is beyond me. Heres an extra tip: to avoid having everything you own getting fried by EMP during a nuclear blast, wrap it in tinfoil or metal screen (as used in screen doors). Your '89 Astro van is going to require at least $50 in tin foil alone.
Things are not looking good for anyone. A meeting is called for farmers, so they can get organized and start growing crops again. The solution? Just go ahead and shave off the top 6 inches of topsoil, get rid of it, and start a plantin'! Which sounds reasonable, but we're in farming country. Almost all the animals are dead, and you will be too after inhaling all those wonderful radiation laden lungfuls of dust. Not to mention you'll also be doing all 100 acres of your farmland by hand. Just you and a shovel. Black guy and the Snicker's Kid make it to the hospital, but black guy is fucked. His hair and teeth are falling out and hes gone insane. The Gutte, who is still kinda healthy, gets to join the shovel brigade and dig mass graves to bury all the dead. Country son is still blind, but ok. Country daughter is bald and out of her mind waiting for her dead boyfriend to come back.
But, oh my! Its a radio address from the president! "My fellow Americans, we nuked ourselves some Commie ass and came out as winners! Stay strong, stay black. I'll check you niggaz later, peace!"
I always like the presidential address after the bomb. Alas, Babylon was my first. Okay, it wasn't exactly from the president, but it was close. After living in radiated Florida for months, the Airforce comes along and says "Ah-yup! We bombed 'em good and won!" Does it even matter anymore? Does having all my hair and teeth fall out, a failing immune system, and rotting from the inside constitute winning? I guess it would if I were the president and I was safe and secure the entire time and sat in a bunker somewhere waiting for press photos to reach those who can still see.
After dealing with an endless stream of wounded, old doctor deems it time for a vacation. The Gutte goes to check on country daughter, who is now far gone. Her hair has all fallen out and she is pale and gaunt. The Gutte is no catch either, as he is covered in sores and raw patches of skin, his hair has fallen out and he can't wear a hat properly.
Old doctor goes back to the crater that was his home and finds a few survivors there. He cries and screams at them, telling them to leave. They don't move. Old doctor finally breaks down in the middle of the ruins, and one of the survivors approaches him. He hands him a piece of fruit, and hugs him as the camera fades out.
"The Day After" is pretty depressing. I've never seen a nuclear war before, but this move claims this was the best case scenario. The best result was pretty horrible, so fuck seeing what the worst would be. The moral here is: Nuclear weapons are not a toy. Place on ground before use. Light fuse and step away. May cause injuries. Please consult a physician if symptoms persist.