Oh man, JOY is SO tough. I mean, I have LITERALLY taken a class called "AWAKENING JOY" (which lasts for ten months!) for several years out of the last decade or so, and I still don't think I know what exactly joy is. I think it's extremely elusive, like a rare species of feeling that pops up at times and then hides away for a while. And it's hard to remember what it feels like until it pops up again. And you cannot summon it. But I do know I have experienced it because when I do feel it, it's like a lightning bolt. But I think part of the beauty of pure joy is that it's *not* an everyday thing.
I think people are overusing the word "joy" a lot. Feeling a positive response to something, or having something make you feel comfort, or a little bit of relief, or something that made you crack a smile is NOT joy.Those are all good things, but they are different than joy. And people who try and sort of push those things into that "joy" mold are trying not only to convince themselves they have joy, but kind of distort it for the rest of us. I think we all need to realize that OKAY is exactly perfect, especially in this particular point in time. What's your daily okay? That seems a whole lot manageable. And a lot of "okays" actually boost happiness in the long run.
I do love that in the Awakening Joy class, one of the first things the teacher says is that for most people, the class should be called "Awakening Not Feeling Horrible" or something similar. And that's perfectly fine. It's just about shifting the dial over to things being a bit better, and then from there, you go to the next bit, and so on. I try and remember that. It's like a ladder you climb, not another level you suddenly ascend to, I think.
I always say this, but Robin Williams' death taught me so much about depression- if he was OKAY the day he passed away, there's a good chance he wouldn't have taken his life. All he needed to be was okay. Not good, not joyful, not happy, not in love with the world and enchanted with all his blessings- just okay. That's all it takes. But instead we all think we're broken because we vacillate between "okay" and "maybe not okay".
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe some people experience real joy when their barista is extra nice or the sun shines through the window a certain way. And don't get me wrong, those are GREAT things, But joy is more than that, to me. Maybe if we focused more on getting high off tiny hits of happiness that is available to us rather than seeking the BIG JOY, we'd all be a lot more at peace. I dunno- maybe I am wrong. But the more I study neuroscience and positive psychology, the more I realize that very few people are genuinely joyful, and those that are went through a LOT of years of mindfulness and practice to get there. Or they are babies. At least that's what the MRIs say. Babies and enlightened people experience real joy on a regular basis, the rest of us have to kind of figure out what our level is and try to work up to the next level.
So I think we should reserve the word joy and spread around okayness instead. It's okay if you're just okay- that's plenty. That's really, really good actually. If more people were just okay, the world would be a whole lot more positive.
Sorry for blabbing, but this is a subject I think and research on constantly. Don't feel bad about not feeling joy- you're normal. And honest :) Don't feel bad about not wanting to dig around in your day and force yourself to feel "joy" when it's not there- you can't convince your brain no matter how often you post about it on Facebook. Just do you. *huge hugs* (Oh, God, I sound so cynical, but forced positivity makes me crazy. The first, bottom-line truth of Buddhism is that to be alive means you will have to suffer, and the second truth is that things are always changing, so the suffering won't last. You start to realize suffering is very real but it also can go away as fast as it comes. That's been such a comfort to me, and that's why I'm so drawn to that philosophy. You have to honor what is true. And right now, you feel crummy. Honor that. And when you feel good again, honor that, and enjoy it at whatever level is natural for you. Trying to force anything else will ruin the natural experience for you.)
I adore you SO very much, Chel. I hope you know that! <3
This:
"I think we all need to realize that OKAY is exactly perfect, especially in this particular point in time. What's your daily okay? That seems a whole lot manageable. And a lot of "okays" actually boost happiness in the long run."
Is so fantastic. And everything you said about Robin Williams, too.
I'm glad I wrote this today, in part because it was good to get it out, in part because I was hoping you'd respond knowing how much you have read about all this stuff, and in part because it helped me process a little further too, and I realized... this friend of mine just totally revamped her life, left her very negative husband, found a new guy very quickly who is actually very compatible, and is feeling free for the first time in a long time. And I'm not having that upheaval, nor do I want it in any way!! I'm just having a shit day, or few days, and that's ok. And like you said, it just fades and shifts and such, and that's how it goes. Tonight I feel a lot more OK than yesterday or even this morning, and that's a good thing.
I didn't think you sounded cynical! Also, I love all that you wrote about Buddhism, too. When I was young and naive, I didn't like that Buddhism's FIRST tenet was that life is suffering. I was like, that is so DARK, jeez!! But then I grew up a bit and understood it more and it just clicked. Yes. To live is to know suffering. And then it fades, too.
And I suspect you might be right that these little fleeting feelings of happiness or stuff that makes you smile is what people are labeling joy, and here I am going how do they have so much joy, and I just feel like crap?? But then maybe it's not joy at all, just the word they're latching onto.
Either way, like you said, *I* don't have to feel joy if I'm just not feeling it. It's just life, and that's ok. Thanks for the amazingly helpful reminder that it's ok to just be ok! That is so huge. I always feel kinda warm and cozy and understood after reading comments from you, Chel. I appreciate your insights and how supportive you always are! *big giant hugs*
Oh, wow, your response made me so happy (genuinely!) Thank you- I'm so glad to know my blabbing isn't annoying you. I'm sort of obsessed with human emotion, and I think a big part of that is because for most of my childhood, I was told exactly how to feel : "be brave", "be a big girl", "be grateful it's not worse", etc. And I also didn't want to make it worse for my parents when I was hurting from the medical stuff, because I knew it was killing them inside to have to watch me go through it.
Now I sort of want to know exactly what my feelings are, and it's actually sometimes hard for me to figure out what is truly going on in my heart because I find myself running through the "calm down" speeches my doctors and parents gave to me a lot, and then I turn around and think "hey, I'm upset and I hurt, why shouldn't I be reacting to that?!" and I wonder just how much of my emotions are still censored because I'm too invested in not freaking out the people around me.
ANYWAY- as far as your friend, I totally get what you are saying. There's this podcast by Elizabeth Gilbert (the Eat Pray Love author) called Magic Lessons. On one episode they were talking about people who were stuck in terrible situations, and one point that was made during the episode was that when people spend time like that, every situation after that seems like a relief- they have a little guarantee that they will never be that bored or miserable again. Your friend is probably riding that very, very real high to be out of the negative cloud and into a new chapter.
As far as Buddhism, I feel the same way! For years I was, like, "I want to be DONE with suffering, period. I don't want anyone else to suffer. I'm not remotely interested in just accepting it. SCREW suffering." Even though I started embracing all the other aspects of Buddhism, I still couldn't accept the thoughts about suffering. And change? I'm not interested in change, either. I want things to be good and then STAY good. Change scares me.
But then when Cecil the lion was shot ... That whole situation made me so angry and sad and helpless and I wanted to do something and make sure that never ever happened again and personally protect every freakin' animal on this planet and ... the list was huge. But there was literally nothing I could do to have prevented that situation, or TO prevent that situation. Even though it wasn't rational, it was eating me up inside. I felt so guilty about it, so responsible, in a way. I was so upset that I was so powerless, that something like that happened in the world when I was "on duty". And I was getting caught up in the WHY would something like that happen, and why does it keep happening? It was a spiral and I couldn't get out of it- usually I can think on it and give myself a few days to get over the compassion pain, but it wasn't happening.
Then a few days later I remembered the whole "suffering is inevitable" thing, and it FINALLY clicked. While I'm still not okay with living things suffering (humans OR animals) and I hope to see radical shifts happen in my lifetime to alleviate suffering, I finally understood that I can't beat myself up about not personally having been able to prevent suffering from happening. Suffering happens. Period. It sucks beyond description, but it's the truth. Accepting that suffering exists doesn't mean I advocate it, just that I'm aware of it. And by being aware of it, I can do what I can to prevent it from happening right here, in my little piece of land, with all the animals and people I come into contact with. It may not be much, but it's something. It matters. I'm trying my best. THAT matters, even though it doesn't seem to change things on a larger scale. The hurt won't go away for those affected, and I can't erase the pain or the experience for those involved, but I can somehow participate, however small, in a resolution. In prevention. Maybe I can minimize suffering. I started seeing it like a little map of the world, and a bright light representing each of the places where animals and people were safe. The more people change things in their lives, the more the map lights up. Every light makes a difference.
It just shifted a lot for me, and gave me some perspective on an issue (animal abuse) that has been my Big Issue my entire life, the thing that breaks my heart into pieces beyond everything else and the thing that nothing has ever made better for me. Animal abuse is the thing that makes my blood run cold, stops me in my tracks, and makes me wonder why humans exist. It's my big stumbling block. Nothing has ever helped me deal with the emotions that animal abuse stirs up in me. But finally coming to terms with the fact that suffering exists and that the best way I can deal with that was to affect change in MY personal part of the world and support others affecting change in their part of the world was big for me. It was like a knot untied and I could finally move forward a little.
Argh- sorry for blabbling again! The Buddhism thing is definitely percolating for me. I barely know anything about it, compared to people, but I want to know more, even if only on a scholarly level. The fact that it's the only system of belief that actually matches up perfectly with modern neuroscience is so fascinating to me. I want to know more about both!
*huge hugs* One of these days we need to cross the country and have coffee in real life and talk about these things in person.
I think people are overusing the word "joy" a lot. Feeling a positive response to something, or having something make you feel comfort, or a little bit of relief, or something that made you crack a smile is NOT joy.Those are all good things, but they are different than joy. And people who try and sort of push those things into that "joy" mold are trying not only to convince themselves they have joy, but kind of distort it for the rest of us. I think we all need to realize that OKAY is exactly perfect, especially in this particular point in time. What's your daily okay? That seems a whole lot manageable. And a lot of "okays" actually boost happiness in the long run.
I do love that in the Awakening Joy class, one of the first things the teacher says is that for most people, the class should be called "Awakening Not Feeling Horrible" or something similar. And that's perfectly fine. It's just about shifting the dial over to things being a bit better, and then from there, you go to the next bit, and so on. I try and remember that. It's like a ladder you climb, not another level you suddenly ascend to, I think.
I always say this, but Robin Williams' death taught me so much about depression- if he was OKAY the day he passed away, there's a good chance he wouldn't have taken his life. All he needed to be was okay. Not good, not joyful, not happy, not in love with the world and enchanted with all his blessings- just okay. That's all it takes. But instead we all think we're broken because we vacillate between "okay" and "maybe not okay".
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe some people experience real joy when their barista is extra nice or the sun shines through the window a certain way. And don't get me wrong, those are GREAT things, But joy is more than that, to me. Maybe if we focused more on getting high off tiny hits of happiness that is available to us rather than seeking the BIG JOY, we'd all be a lot more at peace. I dunno- maybe I am wrong. But the more I study neuroscience and positive psychology, the more I realize that very few people are genuinely joyful, and those that are went through a LOT of years of mindfulness and practice to get there. Or they are babies. At least that's what the MRIs say. Babies and enlightened people experience real joy on a regular basis, the rest of us have to kind of figure out what our level is and try to work up to the next level.
So I think we should reserve the word joy and spread around okayness instead. It's okay if you're just okay- that's plenty. That's really, really good actually. If more people were just okay, the world would be a whole lot more positive.
Sorry for blabbing, but this is a subject I think and research on constantly. Don't feel bad about not feeling joy- you're normal. And honest :) Don't feel bad about not wanting to dig around in your day and force yourself to feel "joy" when it's not there- you can't convince your brain no matter how often you post about it on Facebook. Just do you. *huge hugs* (Oh, God, I sound so cynical, but forced positivity makes me crazy. The first, bottom-line truth of Buddhism is that to be alive means you will have to suffer, and the second truth is that things are always changing, so the suffering won't last. You start to realize suffering is very real but it also can go away as fast as it comes. That's been such a comfort to me, and that's why I'm so drawn to that philosophy. You have to honor what is true. And right now, you feel crummy. Honor that. And when you feel good again, honor that, and enjoy it at whatever level is natural for you. Trying to force anything else will ruin the natural experience for you.)
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This:
"I think we all need to realize that OKAY is exactly perfect, especially in this particular point in time. What's your daily okay? That seems a whole lot manageable. And a lot of "okays" actually boost happiness in the long run."
Is so fantastic. And everything you said about Robin Williams, too.
I'm glad I wrote this today, in part because it was good to get it out, in part because I was hoping you'd respond knowing how much you have read about all this stuff, and in part because it helped me process a little further too, and I realized... this friend of mine just totally revamped her life, left her very negative husband, found a new guy very quickly who is actually very compatible, and is feeling free for the first time in a long time. And I'm not having that upheaval, nor do I want it in any way!! I'm just having a shit day, or few days, and that's ok. And like you said, it just fades and shifts and such, and that's how it goes. Tonight I feel a lot more OK than yesterday or even this morning, and that's a good thing.
I didn't think you sounded cynical! Also, I love all that you wrote about Buddhism, too. When I was young and naive, I didn't like that Buddhism's FIRST tenet was that life is suffering. I was like, that is so DARK, jeez!! But then I grew up a bit and understood it more and it just clicked. Yes. To live is to know suffering. And then it fades, too.
And I suspect you might be right that these little fleeting feelings of happiness or stuff that makes you smile is what people are labeling joy, and here I am going how do they have so much joy, and I just feel like crap?? But then maybe it's not joy at all, just the word they're latching onto.
Either way, like you said, *I* don't have to feel joy if I'm just not feeling it. It's just life, and that's ok. Thanks for the amazingly helpful reminder that it's ok to just be ok! That is so huge. I always feel kinda warm and cozy and understood after reading comments from you, Chel. I appreciate your insights and how supportive you always are! *big giant hugs*
Reply
Oh, wow, your response made me so happy (genuinely!) Thank you- I'm so glad to know my blabbing isn't annoying you. I'm sort of obsessed with human emotion, and I think a big part of that is because for most of my childhood, I was told exactly how to feel : "be brave", "be a big girl", "be grateful it's not worse", etc. And I also didn't want to make it worse for my parents when I was hurting from the medical stuff, because I knew it was killing them inside to have to watch me go through it.
Now I sort of want to know exactly what my feelings are, and it's actually sometimes hard for me to figure out what is truly going on in my heart because I find myself running through the "calm down" speeches my doctors and parents gave to me a lot, and then I turn around and think "hey, I'm upset and I hurt, why shouldn't I be reacting to that?!" and I wonder just how much of my emotions are still censored because I'm too invested in not freaking out the people around me.
ANYWAY- as far as your friend, I totally get what you are saying. There's this podcast by Elizabeth Gilbert (the Eat Pray Love author) called Magic Lessons. On one episode they were talking about people who were stuck in terrible situations, and one point that was made during the episode was that when people spend time like that, every situation after that seems like a relief- they have a little guarantee that they will never be that bored or miserable again. Your friend is probably riding that very, very real high to be out of the negative cloud and into a new chapter.
As far as Buddhism, I feel the same way! For years I was, like, "I want to be DONE with suffering, period. I don't want anyone else to suffer. I'm not remotely interested in just accepting it. SCREW suffering." Even though I started embracing all the other aspects of Buddhism, I still couldn't accept the thoughts about suffering. And change? I'm not interested in change, either. I want things to be good and then STAY good. Change scares me.
But then when Cecil the lion was shot ... That whole situation made me so angry and sad and helpless and I wanted to do something and make sure that never ever happened again and personally protect every freakin' animal on this planet and ... the list was huge. But there was literally nothing I could do to have prevented that situation, or TO prevent that situation. Even though it wasn't rational, it was eating me up inside. I felt so guilty about it, so responsible, in a way. I was so upset that I was so powerless, that something like that happened in the world when I was "on duty". And I was getting caught up in the WHY would something like that happen, and why does it keep happening? It was a spiral and I couldn't get out of it- usually I can think on it and give myself a few days to get over the compassion pain, but it wasn't happening.
Then a few days later I remembered the whole "suffering is inevitable" thing, and it FINALLY clicked. While I'm still not okay with living things suffering (humans OR animals) and I hope to see radical shifts happen in my lifetime to alleviate suffering, I finally understood that I can't beat myself up about not personally having been able to prevent suffering from happening. Suffering happens. Period. It sucks beyond description, but it's the truth. Accepting that suffering exists doesn't mean I advocate it, just that I'm aware of it. And by being aware of it, I can do what I can to prevent it from happening right here, in my little piece of land, with all the animals and people I come into contact with. It may not be much, but it's something. It matters. I'm trying my best. THAT matters, even though it doesn't seem to change things on a larger scale. The hurt won't go away for those affected, and I can't erase the pain or the experience for those involved, but I can somehow participate, however small, in a resolution. In prevention. Maybe I can minimize suffering. I started seeing it like a little map of the world, and a bright light representing each of the places where animals and people were safe. The more people change things in their lives, the more the map lights up. Every light makes a difference.
Reply
It just shifted a lot for me, and gave me some perspective on an issue (animal abuse) that has been my Big Issue my entire life, the thing that breaks my heart into pieces beyond everything else and the thing that nothing has ever made better for me. Animal abuse is the thing that makes my blood run cold, stops me in my tracks, and makes me wonder why humans exist. It's my big stumbling block. Nothing has ever helped me deal with the emotions that animal abuse stirs up in me. But finally coming to terms with the fact that suffering exists and that the best way I can deal with that was to affect change in MY personal part of the world and support others affecting change in their part of the world was big for me. It was like a knot untied and I could finally move forward a little.
Argh- sorry for blabbling again! The Buddhism thing is definitely percolating for me. I barely know anything about it, compared to people, but I want to know more, even if only on a scholarly level. The fact that it's the only system of belief that actually matches up perfectly with modern neuroscience is so fascinating to me. I want to know more about both!
*huge hugs* One of these days we need to cross the country and have coffee in real life and talk about these things in person.
Reply
*huge hugs* One of these days we need to cross the country and have coffee in real life and talk about these things in person
*Huge hugs* to you too!! I can't tell you how much I would love that!! <3
I'll respond even more soon, but wanted to start with that! :D
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