(no subject)
In some kind of weird funk. Is it hormones? Lack of sleep? Eating crummy food? All of the above?
I'm kinda half sick of my cat sitting job. I kind of love it, and kind of hate it, and kind of just want to quit, but I feel like a fucking jerk over it. Like maybe I just hate working. Like maybe I'd hate any job. And I wonder if this is a much better job than other options. Or if the writing job might take off a bit more. They've already asked me to help with another project, so that's a good thing! But the cat sitting thing was supposed to be a year, at least. But if I'm already unhappy, maybe getting out is best. I just don't like the juggling of it all, and keep telling myself that it'll be better once Homer is in school.
Homer is starting kindergarten. I am not ready for this.
My foot has been sore as hell, and yesterday I saw how much garbage needed to be taken out, how much cleaning needed doing, and I just went and laid down and cried, feeling in pain, but also sorry for myself, but also very hormonal and just in need of a cry for no reason at all. I also cried over Homer going to kindergarten soon, and how much I want another baby, but how maybe I don't because I couldn't just lie down and cry if I had a baby to care for, but then again, maybe I wouldn't want to as much, either. I also cried over a movie I saw that day, and a movie trailer I saw that day. The day I get my period is apparently not a great day to go to the movies unless I want to sob!
And I just now got a facebook friend request from a woman who was in the CA moms group. She is the one who hurt my feelings beyond compare when I had my miscarriage. She was pregnant at the same time as me, and she called me to tell me how sorry she was to hear the news, how it upset her soooo much that she had a panic attack and had to call her mom and her mom had to calm her down, and it was just SO hard (and I said, "Oh no I'm so sorry!" and then instantly realized this woman was making ME apologize for my own miscarriage), and then she said, "Well you know, think of it this way, at least you don't have to deal with back pain, and nausea, and hip pain, and getting huge!" and I said, "Mm-hmm," and got off the phone and cried and cried, because that was the point at which I was STILL PREGNANT, and still feeling nauseated, and wanting to get round and big with the growth of a healthy baby, but my fetus was no longer living, and I was waiting for the day I'd get the D&C, while she had a healthy baby in her uterus! I deleted her from fb shortly after that, so ages and ages ago, like 3 years at this point. She apparently just noticed. And of course I saw her profile pic, which showed me that her baby she had when mine would have also been due is now a big ol' toddler. And she has a newborn. So, her baby that is the age of the baby I would have had is now such a big kid, that she has another baby.
Fuck me, man. Super pity party over here. It's weird knowing I'd have a 2 yr old if my baby had made it. GAH!! And this woman makes me crazy --- She complained SOOOO much about pregnancy and how she just didn't think she could do it again, and now here she's done it twice, and has 3 (THREEEEEE) gorgeous children. And she still has no idea how much she hurt me, and wouldn't get it if I even told her, probably, and I can't even believe any of it. I can't believe that she thinks I'd be her friend after she was so shitty to Allison all the time, and meanwhile Allison has become one of my best friends in the world. Because she's actually kind to me, and thinks of my feelings, and I think of hers, and we have a reciprocal friendship, not this bullshit I had with nearly every other mom in that damn mommy group back in CA.
Also, mot really related at all, I have a wonderful friend on fb, who I adore, and she posts daily joy posts. "What is your joy today?" and lately, I've hated even seeing them because her joy seems bigger than my joy, or I'm just NOT feeling the joy, or just... I don't know. It's hard for me to get up the energy to brush my teeth some days, I am not exactly reveling in joy. It's not that I never feel peaceful or good, or something. It's just... I don't know. Joy doesn't seem the right descriptor for the good things I do feel. But I don't know why, I mean, I do feel joy sometimes, right? Maybe? Maybe her posts make me feel pressured to have joy every day, when some days are just shit, and that's ok. Some days are amazing. But some aren't. Bah.
Something about facebook makes things feel very braggy and also very exclusive. I feel left out a lot, even when people aren't intentionally leaving me out. I have a problem when friends, like the joy friend, become besties with other people I also know. It feels like people choose other people over me to be their best buds, their hang out buds, and I hate that feeling. Like I'll be in a group and two people will always gravitate toward one another rather than either of them gravitating towards me. And it happens a lot. Which means it's some kind of a thing for me that I need to learn how to heal and get through...
Gah, I gotta go do another cat sit and get Homer over to Tina's. sigh... I just ... don't know if I actually have too much on my plate, or if doing anything would feel exhausting to me right now! ARGH.
I want to just take a nap. Coffee will have to suffice. Ok, more later...
I'm kinda half sick of my cat sitting job. I kind of love it, and kind of hate it, and kind of just want to quit, but I feel like a fucking jerk over it. Like maybe I just hate working. Like maybe I'd hate any job. And I wonder if this is a much better job than other options. Or if the writing job might take off a bit more. They've already asked me to help with another project, so that's a good thing! But the cat sitting thing was supposed to be a year, at least. But if I'm already unhappy, maybe getting out is best. I just don't like the juggling of it all, and keep telling myself that it'll be better once Homer is in school.
Homer is starting kindergarten. I am not ready for this.
My foot has been sore as hell, and yesterday I saw how much garbage needed to be taken out, how much cleaning needed doing, and I just went and laid down and cried, feeling in pain, but also sorry for myself, but also very hormonal and just in need of a cry for no reason at all. I also cried over Homer going to kindergarten soon, and how much I want another baby, but how maybe I don't because I couldn't just lie down and cry if I had a baby to care for, but then again, maybe I wouldn't want to as much, either. I also cried over a movie I saw that day, and a movie trailer I saw that day. The day I get my period is apparently not a great day to go to the movies unless I want to sob!
And I just now got a facebook friend request from a woman who was in the CA moms group. She is the one who hurt my feelings beyond compare when I had my miscarriage. She was pregnant at the same time as me, and she called me to tell me how sorry she was to hear the news, how it upset her soooo much that she had a panic attack and had to call her mom and her mom had to calm her down, and it was just SO hard (and I said, "Oh no I'm so sorry!" and then instantly realized this woman was making ME apologize for my own miscarriage), and then she said, "Well you know, think of it this way, at least you don't have to deal with back pain, and nausea, and hip pain, and getting huge!" and I said, "Mm-hmm," and got off the phone and cried and cried, because that was the point at which I was STILL PREGNANT, and still feeling nauseated, and wanting to get round and big with the growth of a healthy baby, but my fetus was no longer living, and I was waiting for the day I'd get the D&C, while she had a healthy baby in her uterus! I deleted her from fb shortly after that, so ages and ages ago, like 3 years at this point. She apparently just noticed. And of course I saw her profile pic, which showed me that her baby she had when mine would have also been due is now a big ol' toddler. And she has a newborn. So, her baby that is the age of the baby I would have had is now such a big kid, that she has another baby.
Fuck me, man. Super pity party over here. It's weird knowing I'd have a 2 yr old if my baby had made it. GAH!! And this woman makes me crazy --- She complained SOOOO much about pregnancy and how she just didn't think she could do it again, and now here she's done it twice, and has 3 (THREEEEEE) gorgeous children. And she still has no idea how much she hurt me, and wouldn't get it if I even told her, probably, and I can't even believe any of it. I can't believe that she thinks I'd be her friend after she was so shitty to Allison all the time, and meanwhile Allison has become one of my best friends in the world. Because she's actually kind to me, and thinks of my feelings, and I think of hers, and we have a reciprocal friendship, not this bullshit I had with nearly every other mom in that damn mommy group back in CA.
Also, mot really related at all, I have a wonderful friend on fb, who I adore, and she posts daily joy posts. "What is your joy today?" and lately, I've hated even seeing them because her joy seems bigger than my joy, or I'm just NOT feeling the joy, or just... I don't know. It's hard for me to get up the energy to brush my teeth some days, I am not exactly reveling in joy. It's not that I never feel peaceful or good, or something. It's just... I don't know. Joy doesn't seem the right descriptor for the good things I do feel. But I don't know why, I mean, I do feel joy sometimes, right? Maybe? Maybe her posts make me feel pressured to have joy every day, when some days are just shit, and that's ok. Some days are amazing. But some aren't. Bah.
Something about facebook makes things feel very braggy and also very exclusive. I feel left out a lot, even when people aren't intentionally leaving me out. I have a problem when friends, like the joy friend, become besties with other people I also know. It feels like people choose other people over me to be their best buds, their hang out buds, and I hate that feeling. Like I'll be in a group and two people will always gravitate toward one another rather than either of them gravitating towards me. And it happens a lot. Which means it's some kind of a thing for me that I need to learn how to heal and get through...
Gah, I gotta go do another cat sit and get Homer over to Tina's. sigh... I just ... don't know if I actually have too much on my plate, or if doing anything would feel exhausting to me right now! ARGH.
I want to just take a nap. Coffee will have to suffice. Ok, more later...