(no subject)
Urgh, insomnia. Which means I can't sleep unless I do something productive, which means lost sleep as I have to be on the move by ten, which means I'll be tired and grumpy, which means I'll be unable to do my job properly tomorrow.
I honestly can't relax unless I'm doing something productive these days; the inability to relax is something that troubles me. I already work a 40-hour week and although I sometimes think about lowering my hours, it would cripple me financially; I simply can't afford it. And yet I've not time to do much else these days; to go to the cinema, to go into town, to go and meet friends. When I'm off work, all I want to do is slump and get a big chunk of writing done.
Right now I'm feeling haggled by an old fanfiction that I've been wrestling with for years and yet won't leave me alone. It's something I had trouble with for a long time and it's not even that good. And yet I can't give up on it and feel I won't be satisfied until the fucker is done. I get so overwhelmed by all these different ideas and it just feels like too much. Too many paragraphs and not able to string them sufficiently together. This fic is a literal monster and I worry all the more that I'll put it up and no-one will even want to read the damn thing. I have been through draft after draft after fucking draft with it. I guess I'm still hopeful. My spare time is precious enough as it is and all I do is keep worrying about this fic. I've also got another fic to worry about now because after weeks of working on it, I've discovered that I've not been privy to all the facts I was relying on and so have been consulting with my beta-reader. I hope to make a final decision later this week. I just hate feeling so indecisive over these big ideas and need to just get somewhere with it. I wonder if I'll ever be happy with what I'm working on because it's taken a lot out of me.
I'm trying to get some time off for November, because I haven't had a proper week off work since I started this job last year. And I just feel so exhausted. I feel it's bleeding into my work: I'm not as cheerful as I was when I first started and in fact can be quite grumpy on occasion. And I still feel a bit tense all the time, like things could be better somehow. Maybe my overall quality of life? In many ways it already is, compared to Cardiff life, but I just feel like I'm dragging myself along a little these days - not giving myself a break, not giving myself time to breathe.
I'm currently two sessions in with a new therapist and she's lovely. We're talking about lowering my voice and trying to calm myself because my head is full of noise and I just want it to stop. I seem to do nothing but think about work all the time and while I love my job, feel like I'm going around in circles in my life sometime; taking my money and then spending it and waiting until the next payday. I'm worried I can't make any lasting connections and I'm taking the people around me for granted; it seems a lot of trouble these days to make arrangements, to invite someone around for tea and to try and get close to people.
I just don't know how much I can take right now. I just don't know how I can find my balance. Everything just feels like too much, all of the time and I can't find a calming middle for myself.
This entry was originally posted at https://ellieet.dreamwidth.org/595981.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
I honestly can't relax unless I'm doing something productive these days; the inability to relax is something that troubles me. I already work a 40-hour week and although I sometimes think about lowering my hours, it would cripple me financially; I simply can't afford it. And yet I've not time to do much else these days; to go to the cinema, to go into town, to go and meet friends. When I'm off work, all I want to do is slump and get a big chunk of writing done.
Right now I'm feeling haggled by an old fanfiction that I've been wrestling with for years and yet won't leave me alone. It's something I had trouble with for a long time and it's not even that good. And yet I can't give up on it and feel I won't be satisfied until the fucker is done. I get so overwhelmed by all these different ideas and it just feels like too much. Too many paragraphs and not able to string them sufficiently together. This fic is a literal monster and I worry all the more that I'll put it up and no-one will even want to read the damn thing. I have been through draft after draft after fucking draft with it. I guess I'm still hopeful. My spare time is precious enough as it is and all I do is keep worrying about this fic. I've also got another fic to worry about now because after weeks of working on it, I've discovered that I've not been privy to all the facts I was relying on and so have been consulting with my beta-reader. I hope to make a final decision later this week. I just hate feeling so indecisive over these big ideas and need to just get somewhere with it. I wonder if I'll ever be happy with what I'm working on because it's taken a lot out of me.
I'm trying to get some time off for November, because I haven't had a proper week off work since I started this job last year. And I just feel so exhausted. I feel it's bleeding into my work: I'm not as cheerful as I was when I first started and in fact can be quite grumpy on occasion. And I still feel a bit tense all the time, like things could be better somehow. Maybe my overall quality of life? In many ways it already is, compared to Cardiff life, but I just feel like I'm dragging myself along a little these days - not giving myself a break, not giving myself time to breathe.
I'm currently two sessions in with a new therapist and she's lovely. We're talking about lowering my voice and trying to calm myself because my head is full of noise and I just want it to stop. I seem to do nothing but think about work all the time and while I love my job, feel like I'm going around in circles in my life sometime; taking my money and then spending it and waiting until the next payday. I'm worried I can't make any lasting connections and I'm taking the people around me for granted; it seems a lot of trouble these days to make arrangements, to invite someone around for tea and to try and get close to people.
I just don't know how much I can take right now. I just don't know how I can find my balance. Everything just feels like too much, all of the time and I can't find a calming middle for myself.
This entry was originally posted at https://ellieet.dreamwidth.org/595981.html. Please comment there using OpenID.