(no subject)
I got sworn at by a visitor at work the other day. My first official round of verbal abuse - awesome. I took great delight in holding the visitor's eyes until he was out of sight and then we reported him to management. I wasn't even shaken and was proud of myself for how quickly I got over it. I used to hate getting yelled at by visitors because it makes me feel really uncomfortable but in this case the guy in question just proved how unpleasant he wass, so whatevs.
It's the end of summer work party tonight and I have the day off to rest up; I was feeling a little down yesterday and one of the other staff commented that my battery was low but I was able to get on with things, all the same. This week marked one year since my old job ended and when having a reminisce about it with a friend, I was taken back a year and all the negativity I felt all the time, which seemed to hang around me like a ghost. Things aren't like that anymore, but it was hard to remember a time when I felt like a spare part, no matter what I did. I just hated remembering when I tried too hard to be liked, when I tried to fit in by acting differently because it was what people around me seemed to do, when I tried to impress people. It's not the person I wanted to be and I wish I hadn't done any of that. I wish I'd just focused on the people who mattered and simply not spoken to the people who didn't, but whom I thought did. I wish I'd been more me. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to leave Cardiff, as I reflect on the fact that it was three years away from home, with depression and a lot of time spent crying, but I loved the job itself too much to leave and where would I have gone, anyway?
I've also been reflecting on the less savoury parts of myself and trying to take steps to sort them all out because I feel some of my lesser traits making themselves known to me and I worry about the long-term effects. I feel even now, I'm educating myself and taking steps to change my way of thinking. I may be a Ravenclaw but I still feel there's so much to learn and so many kindnesses I still need to take on board. People are kind to me; I need to remember to extend the courtesy to others. I can very much be my mother's daughter sometimes in regards to other people - impatient with their faults and sometimes needing someone to blame. I loved my Mum very much but my Dad has commented that his social circle has greatly extended in the last few years since she died, as he is more sociable than Mum used to be. At home the other day he commented that life is too short to be anything but kind. The last thing I want to be is unkind, but I think I can feel like that sometimes, towards other people, even if I don't say anything (I never would, but still...) I often consider the ironies in my life - I worship sarcastic bastards in fiction; Sherlock and the Twelfth Doctor, for instance - but I don't really appreciate people who claim 'they are just being honest' while handing out hurtful digs. Like dude, you don't have to be dishonest, but you also don't have to be unkind. I know that sounds oversensitive, but guess what? I'm just being honest. *shrug*
I've also fallen back into OCD habits; I've been going over some mental compulsions that I'm trying to keep myself away from. I'm also reflecting on past OCD episodes that I've often blamed myself for and the more I think on it, the more one thing occurs to me: when I was diagnosed with OCD, I was so young. I was a teenager, than I went off to Uni and America and then I had to graduate and I was dealing with OCD and I was so very young. Like, dude. No wonder I made so many mistakes. I often don't think kindly on myself in this department, as I blame myself for worrying too much about the wrong things and how much money my family had to spend on getting me help but I was barely 21. It's taken a lot of growth and realisation to get where I am now. I know it sounds like an excuse, and I don't mean to make one, but I know much more about the world now and am a lot less hard on myself. There are some things I don't know if I can forgive myself for, but I've spent so many years of my twenties worrying and it feels as if the anxiety has held me back; even now at work, I'm not able to do some of the stuff some of the others are doing because they fear some aspects would kick my anxiety off and I would panic. I've been nervous and panicky all my life, talking fast and unable to think and I just don't know how to handle it anymore. I've been directed towards some mental health professionals by work, but I'm worried I'd just be wasting their time. No matter how much therapy I have I can't seem to shake my demons.
That said, I do still worry about the wrong things; I don't really have any major problems and yet I make them for myself, all the same. I know the future is full of problems and worries; hell, I don't even know where I'm headed and I think I need to prioritise. I wish I could find a place for me in this world - I know I have a full-time job, a roof over my head and people who care, a place I can be myself. But I hope there's something out there for me that's good, that can be mine alone.
This entry was originally posted at https://ellieet.dreamwidth.org/595722.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
It's the end of summer work party tonight and I have the day off to rest up; I was feeling a little down yesterday and one of the other staff commented that my battery was low but I was able to get on with things, all the same. This week marked one year since my old job ended and when having a reminisce about it with a friend, I was taken back a year and all the negativity I felt all the time, which seemed to hang around me like a ghost. Things aren't like that anymore, but it was hard to remember a time when I felt like a spare part, no matter what I did. I just hated remembering when I tried too hard to be liked, when I tried to fit in by acting differently because it was what people around me seemed to do, when I tried to impress people. It's not the person I wanted to be and I wish I hadn't done any of that. I wish I'd just focused on the people who mattered and simply not spoken to the people who didn't, but whom I thought did. I wish I'd been more me. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to leave Cardiff, as I reflect on the fact that it was three years away from home, with depression and a lot of time spent crying, but I loved the job itself too much to leave and where would I have gone, anyway?
I've also been reflecting on the less savoury parts of myself and trying to take steps to sort them all out because I feel some of my lesser traits making themselves known to me and I worry about the long-term effects. I feel even now, I'm educating myself and taking steps to change my way of thinking. I may be a Ravenclaw but I still feel there's so much to learn and so many kindnesses I still need to take on board. People are kind to me; I need to remember to extend the courtesy to others. I can very much be my mother's daughter sometimes in regards to other people - impatient with their faults and sometimes needing someone to blame. I loved my Mum very much but my Dad has commented that his social circle has greatly extended in the last few years since she died, as he is more sociable than Mum used to be. At home the other day he commented that life is too short to be anything but kind. The last thing I want to be is unkind, but I think I can feel like that sometimes, towards other people, even if I don't say anything (I never would, but still...) I often consider the ironies in my life - I worship sarcastic bastards in fiction; Sherlock and the Twelfth Doctor, for instance - but I don't really appreciate people who claim 'they are just being honest' while handing out hurtful digs. Like dude, you don't have to be dishonest, but you also don't have to be unkind. I know that sounds oversensitive, but guess what? I'm just being honest. *shrug*
I've also fallen back into OCD habits; I've been going over some mental compulsions that I'm trying to keep myself away from. I'm also reflecting on past OCD episodes that I've often blamed myself for and the more I think on it, the more one thing occurs to me: when I was diagnosed with OCD, I was so young. I was a teenager, than I went off to Uni and America and then I had to graduate and I was dealing with OCD and I was so very young. Like, dude. No wonder I made so many mistakes. I often don't think kindly on myself in this department, as I blame myself for worrying too much about the wrong things and how much money my family had to spend on getting me help but I was barely 21. It's taken a lot of growth and realisation to get where I am now. I know it sounds like an excuse, and I don't mean to make one, but I know much more about the world now and am a lot less hard on myself. There are some things I don't know if I can forgive myself for, but I've spent so many years of my twenties worrying and it feels as if the anxiety has held me back; even now at work, I'm not able to do some of the stuff some of the others are doing because they fear some aspects would kick my anxiety off and I would panic. I've been nervous and panicky all my life, talking fast and unable to think and I just don't know how to handle it anymore. I've been directed towards some mental health professionals by work, but I'm worried I'd just be wasting their time. No matter how much therapy I have I can't seem to shake my demons.
That said, I do still worry about the wrong things; I don't really have any major problems and yet I make them for myself, all the same. I know the future is full of problems and worries; hell, I don't even know where I'm headed and I think I need to prioritise. I wish I could find a place for me in this world - I know I have a full-time job, a roof over my head and people who care, a place I can be myself. But I hope there's something out there for me that's good, that can be mine alone.
This entry was originally posted at https://ellieet.dreamwidth.org/595722.html. Please comment there using OpenID.