Hai guys!
I have a lot on my plate. More then I want. So I've come to lj to complain about it, because otherwise I'll just keep it all inside. Or spam someone with all my feels.
Schools ending soon. And I'm going to be leaving my safe little haven of IVC and go do big things in the world (lol whaat). And I have so many emotions about this. Because I legit don't know what to do. Like, I love my family. Adoooore them. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave home? I know, I know. I'm a wuss. I'll be turning 21 in August, so really I should just get used to living on my own sooner rather than later. But I don't really want to :| Okay, they're annoying when I reallllly need to do hw or study or anything. They're loud and obnoxious and all that. I love 'em tho. And while it would be nice to have that peace and quiet at a university away from home, I'm not sure if emotionally I can handle it. Like. I say I can. But I'm not really sure if I can. What if I do go to SFSU and hate it? Like it makes me miserable being there and I just want to go home all the time? I don't want to live my life like that. I already think I'm going to cross it off the list. I am amazed every time I go to SF, but I really don't like rain. I really don't. You can say I'll get used it to, but I actually feel sad when it's not sunny outside. I'm sure I would get over that too. Again I'm just worried that I won't, and I'll end up hating it, and then not get an education until later because no one wants transfers in the middle of the semester. Sigh. I'm a ball of worries.
Now, there's nothing actually wrong with CSULB other than that I'll most likely end up living at home. Which you would think, according to that last weepy paragraph, that I would enjoy. I would. But I just feel like I need to go. I need to get used to living without my mom and dad. (i don't want to tho, not really) The weather is great there, the schools is fantastic, the campus is pretty. I mean, there's nothing actually wrong with this school other than I have the nagging feeling that I should leave home. I could always live on campus, but I see that as a waste of money when I can easily commute. I could try getting an apartment? But renting prices here are ridic and not something I could afford, even if I did have multiple roommates. I just think I'm too practical money wise to actually live somewhere other than home if I went to this school.
And then comes the big one. UCLA. Which is a difficult school to get into. Most people would love this school, and I do. I don't have many problems with other than the price and the size of it. A lot of my friends have said to not worry about the price. But I am physically incapable of doing that. Money is a very important factor here, and I can't just not worry about it because I think the school would be better academically. I can't. The guilt would eat me away because of how much debt I'd(or my family) be in. And for me, I like that I get to talk a lot to my professors at IVC. And I'm sure at UC's they're very accommodating to that, but I think I'd feel just like a number? The classes are sooo big and I don't get noticed in the crowd. I won't shout to be heard. I will gladly go all semester without a professor knowing my name if it means I don't have to raise my hand in class. Because that's something I hate. I hate being put right in the center of attention. It legitimately terrifies me. That I'll say something wrong. Do something wrong. So I just don't do anything. I've gotten over it a bit since I started at IVC. The class sizes are a lot smaller than what I had to deal with in high school. (except for my magic class, shit got like 100 students) So I'm fine here. But put me in a bigger class, like magic, and I'm not a good student. I rarely talk to the professor, it's almost the end of the semester and I've talked to him once? And that was after class with just like two of my classmates. I'm just not sure I would do well here. I'm sure the opportunities are limitless, but if I don't feel comfortable... I just couldn't.
(There's also Berkeley... lmao idec if I get in. Didn't like it, so I'm good)
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.
Okay. And I just found out my ex-friend(lmao what this is the first time i've ever used such a phrase) Katelyn, is engaged. Which is just like. Blowing my mind. She's my age, well 21, and I can't even fathom getting married right now. And sure, she might have a really long engagement or something, I just. I can't? LOL. I mean if she's happy, then more power to her. I don't know this guy really, but I think they've been dating for two ish years? So here's me hoping they have a couple more years of engagement. Maybe this is where I become really pessimistic or something, but I see no good in marrying early. I've had plenty of friends(acquaintances) who have done it and then gotten some divorce and been miserable. And then ended up marrying someone else like a couple months later. (welcome to the southeast y'all) Anyone else have this experience? Because it confuses me. I think I'm too sensible for it. Or, well. That makes me sound like I'm calling them stupid. Which I'm not. These two are probably hopelessly in love with one another, and I'm all down for that. I think it's great. I don't think marrying someone at 21 is great though. Wait till you're 25 or something. Live a little more. Obviously I won't say this to her, because hellooooo ex-friend. I just think it's weird. Because I can't imagine getting married right now. Or even for another couple of years. I just won't want that.
But hey, I hope they do end up having a good marriage. Or engagement. Either one. Both. Lol.
I have to go do hw now. :(