What is this
I get in lj posting "moods"... oh wellll. Feelingsss, I have them.
So my Grandmam passed away yesterday (that's my dad's grandmother). We got a call from my Grandma, and yeah. Is it weird that I'm not like devastated? Like I cried, and I'm sad, but it would be a lot worse if it was my g-ma. Cause my g-mam was like... in her late eighties? I think. And she'd been in and out of the hospital for a couple months now. And apparently had cancer. (WHICH btw the doctor's just found out about the day before yesterday, even though she'd been complaining about pains for a while..... my g-ma is pisssssed). Anyway, like her dying, wasn't really a surprise. We knew she wasn't well, the doctors said she only had a couple of months left, so... I'm just not taking it hard? The last time I saw her, was maybe when I was 14? Around that age at least, so I can't really say we were close. I didn't talk to her on the phone that often. I sent her cards and stuff, but that's about it. Don't get me wrong, she was an amazing woman, and I will miss her, but I'm not distraught. I think I cried more over Amy's dad dying than I did yesterday. Which kind of makes me feel weird. Although he was kind of like a second dad in some ways, while me and g-mam, don't have that connection. And then there were just the emotions I felt for Amy not having her dad anymore and how much that was going to hurt her.
When (or if, if i'm being honest) I go back to England, it'll probably hit me harder. Because it's going to suck not walking down to her house from my g-ma's and going to eat dinner with her and just feel the love. And it's going to be weird that to "visit" her is actually going to a grave. If they bury her... I don't really know. They probably will, I feel like she is vaguely religious... But it's odd. Because people say sorry for stuff like this... and yeah I feel shitty ish, but at least my g-mam isn't in pain anymore. It sucks to lose someone like her, but I'd rather that than keep her alive and in pain. I think this would have been worse if I had had no idea that she was sick, and her dying was just a random occurrence. I think if that had been the case, I would still be crying right now. I would want to go to England, and fuck everything school related.
I think I'm thinking about this too much. Mostly because Ann's grandpa died the other other week and she was just torn apart about it. Like crying in class torn apart. And I won't be like that. At all. I cried yesterday, and I'm done. I think she tried comforting me today, but I don't really need it. My Grandmam and I, we weren't really close and I think she's always found that odd. But we do have an ocean separating us so... lol.
I don't really know why I wrote all this haha. I think I just wanted to ramble. Mission accomplished!
Now I must go do hw. How is it even possible that school ends in two weeks?! HOW
So my Grandmam passed away yesterday (that's my dad's grandmother). We got a call from my Grandma, and yeah. Is it weird that I'm not like devastated? Like I cried, and I'm sad, but it would be a lot worse if it was my g-ma. Cause my g-mam was like... in her late eighties? I think. And she'd been in and out of the hospital for a couple months now. And apparently had cancer. (WHICH btw the doctor's just found out about the day before yesterday, even though she'd been complaining about pains for a while..... my g-ma is pisssssed). Anyway, like her dying, wasn't really a surprise. We knew she wasn't well, the doctors said she only had a couple of months left, so... I'm just not taking it hard? The last time I saw her, was maybe when I was 14? Around that age at least, so I can't really say we were close. I didn't talk to her on the phone that often. I sent her cards and stuff, but that's about it. Don't get me wrong, she was an amazing woman, and I will miss her, but I'm not distraught. I think I cried more over Amy's dad dying than I did yesterday. Which kind of makes me feel weird. Although he was kind of like a second dad in some ways, while me and g-mam, don't have that connection. And then there were just the emotions I felt for Amy not having her dad anymore and how much that was going to hurt her.
When (or if, if i'm being honest) I go back to England, it'll probably hit me harder. Because it's going to suck not walking down to her house from my g-ma's and going to eat dinner with her and just feel the love. And it's going to be weird that to "visit" her is actually going to a grave. If they bury her... I don't really know. They probably will, I feel like she is vaguely religious... But it's odd. Because people say sorry for stuff like this... and yeah I feel shitty ish, but at least my g-mam isn't in pain anymore. It sucks to lose someone like her, but I'd rather that than keep her alive and in pain. I think this would have been worse if I had had no idea that she was sick, and her dying was just a random occurrence. I think if that had been the case, I would still be crying right now. I would want to go to England, and fuck everything school related.
I think I'm thinking about this too much. Mostly because Ann's grandpa died the other other week and she was just torn apart about it. Like crying in class torn apart. And I won't be like that. At all. I cried yesterday, and I'm done. I think she tried comforting me today, but I don't really need it. My Grandmam and I, we weren't really close and I think she's always found that odd. But we do have an ocean separating us so... lol.
I don't really know why I wrote all this haha. I think I just wanted to ramble. Mission accomplished!
Now I must go do hw. How is it even possible that school ends in two weeks?! HOW