but this is not indelible ink, your hand being moveable type separates
"i spilled my guts on your best shoes, you keep it in, i let it loose. and i don't remember how i let myself get so unravelled. i'm naked, pretty as a heartache and waiting for my second skin to settle in."
So, I lied.
Hearing "I'm with someone" is almost worse than hearing "I don't want to be with you" And reading it did not soften the blow, believe me.
"i followed suit and laid out on my back, imagine that. a million hours left to think of you and think of that"
Her name is Kimberley. She's a freshman at Cal Poly. They make cute with each other on Superpoke, hopefully in a quasi-attempt at any actual physical chemistry. She rocks climbs or some shit. I'm a little angry, I guess.
But mostly, I just feel betrayed. It's like, you couldn't even call me to tell me that oh, btw, i'm gonna have a girlfriend, so don't freak out and almost throw up all over some priceless rare books? Aren't you the one who still wanted to be friends? I don't think this is quite friendly.
Part of me is thinking, maybe it's just a joke...or maybe my ex-boyfriend just got together with some pink power ranger and all i can think is, how did he do this before me? how did HE move on before ME? and how can he do this to me? how can he do this and think that it doesn't have any effect on me and not care enough to wonder if i'm alright?
In other news, one more full week of classes. So much to do. And I kind of don't want to do anything besides watch the L Word and commiserate with poor Alice. Although I didn't keep a shrine. So, I'm not that far gone, I guess.
I kind of made a rule for myself...i talked to him on Thanksgiving and asked him how he was and all that and he was busy and all I thought was, look, he doesn't have time for me...I shouldn't have time for him. There was a moment on Thanksgiving where I looked around and thought, wow, I could've been at Tim's house this year. Or he could have been here. And then I thought, if he were here, he would be sitting in a corner, calculating something and not talking to anyone besides my uncle who he would want to make nice with because he works at Livermore Labs and it was like something clicked into place - I don't want someone who isn't going to try. I looked at Manuel, singing karoake and talking to my cousins and I thought, Megan has someone who is genuinely wanting to be with her and keep her the way she is and love her and have fun with her family and Tim would never do something that. Especially not now, after everything that's happened.
So I told myself that I wouldn't try and talk to him, or text him until I went back home for Winter Break....if by then I'm not going completely crazy, maybe I'll extend it. I just feel like I finally need to stop fighting this. Like I finally need to realize that we're over/we're not getting back together.
Yet, in the wise, wise words of Lauren: Sometimes when you finally stop fighting, the fight comes to you. And now there's this whole thing with Kimberley Mc-FacebookWhore and half of me wants to talk to him and the other half of me is thinking: why? what would i say to him? Oh, congrats! I hope she uses big words and can do Calculus and has already accepted Christ as her personal savior. That will definitely save you time!
It just feels so strange. The idea of him being with someone else. The idea of him not being with me was weird enough, but, this...this is just ridiculous. And people are congratulating him and I hate it. I hate it all. I hate him and I hate her. And I just want to move on already.
In two months, it will be a year. What the hell am I still doing here, stuck in this same feeling?
"Her heart is fit for home, I - a Sparrow - build there sweet twigs and twine my perennial nest."
So, I lied.
Hearing "I'm with someone" is almost worse than hearing "I don't want to be with you" And reading it did not soften the blow, believe me.
"i followed suit and laid out on my back, imagine that. a million hours left to think of you and think of that"
Her name is Kimberley. She's a freshman at Cal Poly. They make cute with each other on Superpoke, hopefully in a quasi-attempt at any actual physical chemistry. She rocks climbs or some shit. I'm a little angry, I guess.
But mostly, I just feel betrayed. It's like, you couldn't even call me to tell me that oh, btw, i'm gonna have a girlfriend, so don't freak out and almost throw up all over some priceless rare books? Aren't you the one who still wanted to be friends? I don't think this is quite friendly.
Part of me is thinking, maybe it's just a joke...or maybe my ex-boyfriend just got together with some pink power ranger and all i can think is, how did he do this before me? how did HE move on before ME? and how can he do this to me? how can he do this and think that it doesn't have any effect on me and not care enough to wonder if i'm alright?
In other news, one more full week of classes. So much to do. And I kind of don't want to do anything besides watch the L Word and commiserate with poor Alice. Although I didn't keep a shrine. So, I'm not that far gone, I guess.
I kind of made a rule for myself...i talked to him on Thanksgiving and asked him how he was and all that and he was busy and all I thought was, look, he doesn't have time for me...I shouldn't have time for him. There was a moment on Thanksgiving where I looked around and thought, wow, I could've been at Tim's house this year. Or he could have been here. And then I thought, if he were here, he would be sitting in a corner, calculating something and not talking to anyone besides my uncle who he would want to make nice with because he works at Livermore Labs and it was like something clicked into place - I don't want someone who isn't going to try. I looked at Manuel, singing karoake and talking to my cousins and I thought, Megan has someone who is genuinely wanting to be with her and keep her the way she is and love her and have fun with her family and Tim would never do something that. Especially not now, after everything that's happened.
So I told myself that I wouldn't try and talk to him, or text him until I went back home for Winter Break....if by then I'm not going completely crazy, maybe I'll extend it. I just feel like I finally need to stop fighting this. Like I finally need to realize that we're over/we're not getting back together.
Yet, in the wise, wise words of Lauren: Sometimes when you finally stop fighting, the fight comes to you. And now there's this whole thing with Kimberley Mc-FacebookWhore and half of me wants to talk to him and the other half of me is thinking: why? what would i say to him? Oh, congrats! I hope she uses big words and can do Calculus and has already accepted Christ as her personal savior. That will definitely save you time!
It just feels so strange. The idea of him being with someone else. The idea of him not being with me was weird enough, but, this...this is just ridiculous. And people are congratulating him and I hate it. I hate it all. I hate him and I hate her. And I just want to move on already.
In two months, it will be a year. What the hell am I still doing here, stuck in this same feeling?
"Her heart is fit for home, I - a Sparrow - build there sweet twigs and twine my perennial nest."