oh to the season of my heart
I'm sitting here, pretending to be working. Mika's napping on my bed. The last week has been good, possibly because I have done very little of my assigned reading and it wasn't production.
Sometimes I think about the paper in less than positive ways and the thought of even attempting to be editor-in-chief makes me want to throw up a little. I've been thinking about Ireland, and how I always imagined studying abroad there while I was in college. I gave up on that idea about a year ago, realizing that being gone for a semester would completely put me out of the running of, well, running the paper. I tell myself I'll go there after I graduate, I'll get there, I'll do it someday. And that the paper is more important right now, that I have a commitment to it and that I'm dedicated and that it will help me get to where I want to be. But lately I've been having a little nagging thought, stuck in the back of my mind wherever I go - is it worth it? Is any of this worth it?
From day to day I'm fine, there's sometimes just moments where I have to remind myself that this is the life I'm living. Part of my mind I think is still back in senior year, applying to colleges. I saw a Willamette calendar in the library yesterday and I thought, "Willamette! That's right! Maybe I can go there!" What am I thinking? I am where I am and I'm two years in and there's no turning back and in a rush everything comes back and I realize I am a junior in college and the time is already gone gone gone and I can't go back. Sometimes I just want to hop on Mr. Dark's carousel and ride it backwards about 3 years and rethink things. And then I bring it all back into focus and I realize that I want all the things I have gotten from the last two years (some more achingly and intensely then others) and I just have to admit that I'm in a bit of a rut. An almost-20 rut.
"i was in love with a place, in my mind...in my mind."
Sometimes I think about the paper in less than positive ways and the thought of even attempting to be editor-in-chief makes me want to throw up a little. I've been thinking about Ireland, and how I always imagined studying abroad there while I was in college. I gave up on that idea about a year ago, realizing that being gone for a semester would completely put me out of the running of, well, running the paper. I tell myself I'll go there after I graduate, I'll get there, I'll do it someday. And that the paper is more important right now, that I have a commitment to it and that I'm dedicated and that it will help me get to where I want to be. But lately I've been having a little nagging thought, stuck in the back of my mind wherever I go - is it worth it? Is any of this worth it?
From day to day I'm fine, there's sometimes just moments where I have to remind myself that this is the life I'm living. Part of my mind I think is still back in senior year, applying to colleges. I saw a Willamette calendar in the library yesterday and I thought, "Willamette! That's right! Maybe I can go there!" What am I thinking? I am where I am and I'm two years in and there's no turning back and in a rush everything comes back and I realize I am a junior in college and the time is already gone gone gone and I can't go back. Sometimes I just want to hop on Mr. Dark's carousel and ride it backwards about 3 years and rethink things. And then I bring it all back into focus and I realize that I want all the things I have gotten from the last two years (some more achingly and intensely then others) and I just have to admit that I'm in a bit of a rut. An almost-20 rut.
"i was in love with a place, in my mind...in my mind."