(no subject)
Chris and I broke up again. This time seemed different from all the other times somehow. Usually when we break up there is a lot of crying and anger and emotions flaring between the both of us. This time there were just sniffles and a lot of nodding, like we both knew that breaking up might actually be for the best. It just sucks because I do want to be with him, and I know he wants to be with me but I don't think we're ready to be with each other. He is stubborn about the way he thinks things should be and I'm the same way. If I feel like he is doing things to change me, then I just get bitter and throw little temper tantrums about every 15 minutes which isn't fair to anyone. It just makes me sad because I know a lot of it is that this was my first real serious relationship and I didn't really know what I was doing. So when he said things like he wanted to be with me forever it would just kind of scare me because I didn't really know if I could settle down already. For both of us, it just felt like he was trying to change me and thats not what either one of us wanted. Since day one he said that he couldn't go out with a girl that would smoke/drink; so that really was never a big deal because I knew what I was getting into. But it just sucked when he would make comments about me going online and question all the people I had on my myspace (mainly all the guys). Considering about 95% of them are people from high school I never really thought it was a big deal, but I guess it was to him. I just wish he would have known how things were back in high school because then he would know that he wouldn't have anything to worry about.
So I think we might actually be broken up for awhile this time, unless we both magically grow up in the next few days. Its just depressing because in a way I feel like a failure since I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. We both knew that something had to happen tonight, either I attempt to become the person he wanted me to be i.e. someone I'm not. Or we would have to end things or else we would just end up getting into fights all the time. It just hurt when I was getting ready to leave, how he was talking like he regretted ever going out with me and how he should have gotten to know me better before ever getting together with me in the first place.
I still love him and I still want to be with him, but I know its just not the right time right now. Its depressing to know that you're letting someone go who thinks you're their whole world and that you might never find that again. I just hope I don't end up kicking myself for this and tell myself that I had love and I just let it go.
Humbug.
So I think we might actually be broken up for awhile this time, unless we both magically grow up in the next few days. Its just depressing because in a way I feel like a failure since I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. We both knew that something had to happen tonight, either I attempt to become the person he wanted me to be i.e. someone I'm not. Or we would have to end things or else we would just end up getting into fights all the time. It just hurt when I was getting ready to leave, how he was talking like he regretted ever going out with me and how he should have gotten to know me better before ever getting together with me in the first place.
I still love him and I still want to be with him, but I know its just not the right time right now. Its depressing to know that you're letting someone go who thinks you're their whole world and that you might never find that again. I just hope I don't end up kicking myself for this and tell myself that I had love and I just let it go.
Humbug.