We were contenders, now we're throwing the fight. I just wanna believe ... in us...
This is more or less what a collection of texts from Robby earlier today said:
"I thought about you all day yesterday. Things I couldn't understand while we were dating have come to light. Like when we were being playful. The fact that we never took it too far or too short. It was always just right. We were always on the same page and could just tell. It's a rare quality that I never really realized how hard it is to find because it was always there from the start. Or the fact that we always took things how they were intended and not said. So that if I meant a loving comment but said it poorly, you'd be happy and not sad, exactly how it should be."
These are things I know he knew were there when we were together. I guess he didn't realize what they meant to him? I don't know. I don't understand it. We talked on the phone after a bunch of text messages, it just kills me. He doesn't want to get back together. He loves me, he realizes all the great things that we had together, but he thinks he's broken because he has the urge to follow the chase. To see if he can get that cute girl at the bar to come back with him. Not because he really wants to be with her, just because he wants to see if he can do it. Well, fuck. That's not unnatural, that's what most guys at 22 are doing. That's what most people period are doing, especially in their 20s. I don't think people settle down because being monogamous is what comes natural, I think people commit to one person because they find someone they mesh with so well that it's worth giving up the ego boosts of taking a nameless pretty face home in order to have something meaningful to come home to every day.
I know he hasn't had the chance to even really do that yet. Staying with me is more or less accepting that he would never get the chance to do that in his entire life. If he commits to me, he intends for it to be for real. Engagement, marriage, family, everything. He thought he was prepared for it when we started dating. As time went on and the reality of it settled in and he came down from the high of getting his 'dream girl' he started to really get what it would mean if this was his final relationship, the one that made it all the way, and quite frankly I think it scared him quite a bit.
I keep swinging back and forth between being a complete mess over the situation and being accepting because there's nothing I can do and it's not my fault. He loves me. He knows we have something wonderful together. He can't commit to me. His head is a mess.
Having the flu so shortly after he ended it was kind of nice, it put me in such a delirium I didn't have to think about any of this at all and it dulled it all a little, I suppose. I went out with friends Saturday night, the club was over-packed, but I got to see a lot of people, though it was awkward fielding 'Where's Rob?' questions from so many people. He finally changed our status on facebook today. I spent yesterday in the black hole that is Amy, Cierra and Tyler's couch and I was really happy. I have quite a few very supporting, loving friends down here and I don't know what I would do without them, I'm so thankful for it.
I just don't know what to do. My heart is going to belong to him for a while no matter what I do. I don't want to kill off the feelings I have for him. I don't even know if I can. I thought I had years ago when we broke up the first time, but the moment he showed me his again they all came rushing back like nothing had changed. Everything comes so naturally when I'm with him. But at the same time, I know I can't sit here agonizing over every move he makes without me. I think I'm just going to shut down a bit and float for the next few weeks and see if anything presents itself. If not, I'll go from there later in time. I'm planning on making a lot of changes when the new year comes. Despite everything, I'm still optimistic about the future, it's just going to take me a while to get any ambition back. Right now I don't even have to will to clean my room, so setting up the things I want to accomplish is going to take a bit of work.
"I thought about you all day yesterday. Things I couldn't understand while we were dating have come to light. Like when we were being playful. The fact that we never took it too far or too short. It was always just right. We were always on the same page and could just tell. It's a rare quality that I never really realized how hard it is to find because it was always there from the start. Or the fact that we always took things how they were intended and not said. So that if I meant a loving comment but said it poorly, you'd be happy and not sad, exactly how it should be."
These are things I know he knew were there when we were together. I guess he didn't realize what they meant to him? I don't know. I don't understand it. We talked on the phone after a bunch of text messages, it just kills me. He doesn't want to get back together. He loves me, he realizes all the great things that we had together, but he thinks he's broken because he has the urge to follow the chase. To see if he can get that cute girl at the bar to come back with him. Not because he really wants to be with her, just because he wants to see if he can do it. Well, fuck. That's not unnatural, that's what most guys at 22 are doing. That's what most people period are doing, especially in their 20s. I don't think people settle down because being monogamous is what comes natural, I think people commit to one person because they find someone they mesh with so well that it's worth giving up the ego boosts of taking a nameless pretty face home in order to have something meaningful to come home to every day.
I know he hasn't had the chance to even really do that yet. Staying with me is more or less accepting that he would never get the chance to do that in his entire life. If he commits to me, he intends for it to be for real. Engagement, marriage, family, everything. He thought he was prepared for it when we started dating. As time went on and the reality of it settled in and he came down from the high of getting his 'dream girl' he started to really get what it would mean if this was his final relationship, the one that made it all the way, and quite frankly I think it scared him quite a bit.
I keep swinging back and forth between being a complete mess over the situation and being accepting because there's nothing I can do and it's not my fault. He loves me. He knows we have something wonderful together. He can't commit to me. His head is a mess.
Having the flu so shortly after he ended it was kind of nice, it put me in such a delirium I didn't have to think about any of this at all and it dulled it all a little, I suppose. I went out with friends Saturday night, the club was over-packed, but I got to see a lot of people, though it was awkward fielding 'Where's Rob?' questions from so many people. He finally changed our status on facebook today. I spent yesterday in the black hole that is Amy, Cierra and Tyler's couch and I was really happy. I have quite a few very supporting, loving friends down here and I don't know what I would do without them, I'm so thankful for it.
I just don't know what to do. My heart is going to belong to him for a while no matter what I do. I don't want to kill off the feelings I have for him. I don't even know if I can. I thought I had years ago when we broke up the first time, but the moment he showed me his again they all came rushing back like nothing had changed. Everything comes so naturally when I'm with him. But at the same time, I know I can't sit here agonizing over every move he makes without me. I think I'm just going to shut down a bit and float for the next few weeks and see if anything presents itself. If not, I'll go from there later in time. I'm planning on making a lot of changes when the new year comes. Despite everything, I'm still optimistic about the future, it's just going to take me a while to get any ambition back. Right now I don't even have to will to clean my room, so setting up the things I want to accomplish is going to take a bit of work.