THE REAL LIVEJOURNAL IDOL SEASON 10, WEEK 0: INTRODUCTION
NOT HAPPENING
I cannot begin to tell you all how glad I was when the host of THE REAL LIVEJOURNAL IDOL (therealljidol) announced that this season's introductory post was optional for "veterans" of the competition (like me). Did I say "glad"? Shit, I'm fucking *ELATED* to know that I'm not required to write an introductory post this go around... because I really, *REALLY* don't want to write such a post. At least for me, it just seems like an exercise in futility.
There are several reasons why I feel this way. I won't deny that part of my antipathy is due to my having written a few such posts in the past, as can be seen here, here and here... and I am both tired of essentially repeating myself as well as wondering how I can possibly add anything new to the public record. Further, while I am a shameless attention whore in some ways, I always feel uncomfortable talking about myself honestly, whether in public, in private, or over the Internet... and that's especially true when it comes to discussing my own perceived failings. But in the last week or so, I realized that there was one further reason why I felt that there was no point in my writing an introductory post this year:
Because deep down, I honestly don't believe that anyone would ever care about anything I have to say.
I only realized this in a recent session with my shrink: While I was speaking about my various worries and fears, I heard the man typing away on his smartphone... and immediately assumed that he was texting someone rather than listening to to me. So I expressed my anger and disgust at my shrink's apparent breach of ethics and/or lapse of attention. However, it turned out that my therapist was actually using his smartphone to take notes regarding the session... and he was hanging on my every word. Yet even after having this shown to me, I couldn't truly believe that my therapist was actually listening to me... because deep down, my sense of self-esteem is so awful that I could never possibly believe that anyone would ever pay attention to me... even if I paid them money to do so.
Mind you, my shrink considers my participation in The Real LiveJournal Idol to be extremely therapeutic for me, so I'm sure that he would have encouraged me to write an introductory piece that mentioned this bit of self-discovery... and he probably would have wanted me to mention that although my becoming consciously aware of my utter lack of faith in myself was deeply embarrassing to me (as well as emotionally painful), my recognition of this problem is the first step in actively dealing with it and overcoming it. However, I felt so embarrassed over my unjustified accusation that I never actually told my therapist that I was participating in The Real LiveJournal Idol again. Now, if my shrink had been aware that this writing competition had started up once more, I'm sure he would have suggested that my recent epiphany might be the basis of an interesting introductory post... but as I said, we never had that discussion, so my therapist never encouraged me to write such a post... and since I have no self-esteem to speak of, I certainly won't write such a piece on my own initiative.
So that's why I didn't write an introductory post this season... but since it was purely an optional exercise, no one should even notice that I didn't bother trying to write anything this week...
"This is not happening. This is NOT happening. This is *NOT* happening..."
-- Grey Alien #2 ("Jeff")
--- Jose Chung's From Outer Space
---- THE X-FILES
This post would be an entry for Season 10 of THE REAL LIVEJOURNAL IDOL (therealljidol) and would have served as a Week 0 introductory post... if I had ever worked up the energy and nerve to actually write it. However, since that didn't happen then it merely serves as another lost opportunity for me that I deliberately did not pursue, which is another recurring issue with me...