Tongue-Tied & Twisted...
I tried to make various posts in the last few days, but I kept deleting them before completion. I feel an enormous amount of personal dissatisfaction... coupled with a lingering sense of impending doom. This outlook is even starting to invade my dreams: I vaguely remember having a rather pleasant dream last night, when a character in my dream unexpectedly made an off-color comment... and suddenly everything in my dream turned disturbingly sarcastic and personally embarrassing; I woke up shortly after that, but I felt off-kilter and mildly anxious for most of the morning.
I know the source of much of my angst; a couple of unpleasant conversations over the weekend, combined with a few unexpected trips down the shadowy alleys of Memory Lane in the last few weeks. Granted, this information has reminded me of the reasons why I developed such a fatalistic attitude in regard to my personal life... but as of this moment I'm not sure how (or even if) this knowledge helps me. And as it stands right now, my worldview is extremely pessimistic, if not outright depressed. An interesting opportunity crossed my path in the last month, and it never crossed my mind to see if it would lead anywhere. Even when someone pointed out to me that I had little (if anything) to lose by inquiring further, I just don't see the point in even making the effort; I've automatically concluded that even if all went well, whatever benefit I'd receive isn't worth the time and trouble. Then again, I have deliberately kept the line of communication open; there was a time (not so long ago) when I would have "slammed the door in Opportunity's face"... and I mean that quite literally.
I know the source of much of my angst; a couple of unpleasant conversations over the weekend, combined with a few unexpected trips down the shadowy alleys of Memory Lane in the last few weeks. Granted, this information has reminded me of the reasons why I developed such a fatalistic attitude in regard to my personal life... but as of this moment I'm not sure how (or even if) this knowledge helps me. And as it stands right now, my worldview is extremely pessimistic, if not outright depressed. An interesting opportunity crossed my path in the last month, and it never crossed my mind to see if it would lead anywhere. Even when someone pointed out to me that I had little (if anything) to lose by inquiring further, I just don't see the point in even making the effort; I've automatically concluded that even if all went well, whatever benefit I'd receive isn't worth the time and trouble. Then again, I have deliberately kept the line of communication open; there was a time (not so long ago) when I would have "slammed the door in Opportunity's face"... and I mean that quite literally.