Earthbound
And now for a startling realization: I am my own worst enemy.
Actually, truth be told. This is not really startling at all, and in fact is something that I have known for quite some time. The startling part is that I am admitting to and acknowledging the fact that nobody holds me back but myself.
Ok, so, I went out on Friday night with a few friends for some food at a new little Russian cafe in Red Bank, and then afterwards for some Guinness. The food was good, the stout was better. It was very good to get out and actually DO something for a change. When I got home at 2am (had to wait a while to drive home folks) I popped on AIM and had a conversation with my friend who happened to have just come in herself (For those that have been following the drama ... My coworker and I began a dialog last week that allowed us to, once more, become friends (hopefully we will not have another repeat of that incident). Things are still slightly awkward for a myriad of reasons but on the whole everything is much better, at least on that front.). After some exposition she asked me how things were going, I replied with a remark that things were ok but that I spent most of the time neither here nor there and that I realized that it was not the best place to be. She replied simply with "No, not great. But it is your decision". And it is in this seemingly simple reply that I noticed what had been occurring.
I have been quiet about events on the home front of late. This has not only been true of this journal, but of real life as well. Largely, I have not been better about these things but instead have been ignoring them. And, silly as it may seem, I was doing it and completely unaware of the fact that I had *decided* to do so.
This, I realise, is another manifestation of my opening statement; that is, as long as I continue to distract myself I will not have to deal with the issues or face the decisions or repercussions of whatever else life may bring. And this applies to more than just the emotional quasi-holocaust that has been my personal life this year, it applies to personal progression as well.
I remember when I was young, like so many, I was asked "what do you want to do when you grow up?". Now, many people I know have difficulty answering this question even today. My answer to this innocent query was at once naive, ambitious, and perhaps (at least I would like to think so) profound; I said.. "Change the world" and I said it immediately, almost as a reflex, I didn't even take a moment to think. I still feel this way, and still believe it to be possible. But I continue to find things to distract me, to keep me from thinking and doing the things that I know can be done. And it is to this end that I state that I am my own worst enemy.
If I could only break free, achieve escape velocity so to speak, I know that there could be amazing things beyond the horizon. But how do you get there from here?
-C
Actually, truth be told. This is not really startling at all, and in fact is something that I have known for quite some time. The startling part is that I am admitting to and acknowledging the fact that nobody holds me back but myself.
Ok, so, I went out on Friday night with a few friends for some food at a new little Russian cafe in Red Bank, and then afterwards for some Guinness. The food was good, the stout was better. It was very good to get out and actually DO something for a change. When I got home at 2am (had to wait a while to drive home folks) I popped on AIM and had a conversation with my friend who happened to have just come in herself (For those that have been following the drama ... My coworker and I began a dialog last week that allowed us to, once more, become friends (hopefully we will not have another repeat of that incident). Things are still slightly awkward for a myriad of reasons but on the whole everything is much better, at least on that front.). After some exposition she asked me how things were going, I replied with a remark that things were ok but that I spent most of the time neither here nor there and that I realized that it was not the best place to be. She replied simply with "No, not great. But it is your decision". And it is in this seemingly simple reply that I noticed what had been occurring.
I have been quiet about events on the home front of late. This has not only been true of this journal, but of real life as well. Largely, I have not been better about these things but instead have been ignoring them. And, silly as it may seem, I was doing it and completely unaware of the fact that I had *decided* to do so.
This, I realise, is another manifestation of my opening statement; that is, as long as I continue to distract myself I will not have to deal with the issues or face the decisions or repercussions of whatever else life may bring. And this applies to more than just the emotional quasi-holocaust that has been my personal life this year, it applies to personal progression as well.
I remember when I was young, like so many, I was asked "what do you want to do when you grow up?". Now, many people I know have difficulty answering this question even today. My answer to this innocent query was at once naive, ambitious, and perhaps (at least I would like to think so) profound; I said.. "Change the world" and I said it immediately, almost as a reflex, I didn't even take a moment to think. I still feel this way, and still believe it to be possible. But I continue to find things to distract me, to keep me from thinking and doing the things that I know can be done. And it is to this end that I state that I am my own worst enemy.
If I could only break free, achieve escape velocity so to speak, I know that there could be amazing things beyond the horizon. But how do you get there from here?
-C