Nov 04, 2010 13:48
So glad it's Thursday, that means I'm off for the next three days. It also means that I have a lot of homework to do this weekend. It's pretty much crunch time. Only 3 weeks left of school. I was on time for Math this morning but I forgot my note to bring to to Mr Tebault. I have no idea where it's at. I thought it was in my backpack. Oh well, hopefully I can find it so I keep my B average in his class. I'm happy I got the highest grade on an exam today. He curved it by 10 points so I ended up with a 92. :) YAY! I would have had a B but now I have an A...
It's about 115, I have 3 hours left until my weekend. I have to work on CSI. I have to study for my next exam and work on my crime scene sketch. I have to read my chapters and work on my next chapters as well. I have to watch a movie in Victimology and work on chapter 6 and 7 homework assignments. I need to read chapter 11 and 12 in my ethics book and do some math problems.
I want to go out. I feel so couped up right now. But at the same time I don't want to go out if I can't afford it. I want to be able to go out and get pretty drunk and just enjoy myself. It's hard to do that when one doesn't feel social.
So, apparently Sarah has been reading my journals. She came and woke me up around 1230 in the morning asking me if I was going to dump her. I had to reassure her that I wasn't going to dump her. That I love her and I want to be with her. I do love her and I do want to be with her, it just seems like we argue an awful lot. I wish that we had a bed that we both could sleep in together. I'm so tired of not being able to sleep with her. It's like we've been together for 6 months and the last three months we've slept in separate rooms. I was already thinking it when she said that it feels like we're roommates more than we're partners. It sucks feeling like that.
I wish that I could be closer to her. As I was laying in bed last night I was thinking hell, I wish I could feel closer to anyone. I feel so distant lately. I feel so guarded. I wish I could let my guard down. I was thinking that I have become so desensitized when it comes to certain things that if someone dies I'm apathetic. The only people who could leave me or die and I wouldn't freak out would be my mom or Pan. That's not a good thing. Apathy is good in some instances but I don't want to be this way.
I guess that I'm so used to people hurting me and or leaving me that I just keep my distance emotionally. Sarah always tells me that she's not going anywhere, but I guess I'm still just waiting for the day that she ups and leaves me. I'm not emotionally attached to Maihe because she doesn't really care too much about me. She's Sarah's dog now. I wish I could change this. I don't know how :(
So, we came to a compromise about an xmas tree. I told Sarah that I want a pink one. Big Lots sold some cute pink ones last year and I would love to have one of those. :) We can put it in the middle of the dining room table.
Oh well, one day I'll be normal... What is normal anyway?
sarah,
emo,
brcc