Mr. Sun....
Sun, Mr. Golden sun, please shine down on me.. I'm reminded of an old girlscout camp song as the sun is pretty much blinding me right now in the library. I guess that's what happens when you make an entire room of windows. I would rather be in bed instead of sitting here in the library. I suppose I should do some studying because I have a math quiz tomorrow and an exam on Thursday.
Yay! I've been 6 months drug free :) I don't know if I should say sober because I still drink and I still smoke. I don't drink nearly as much as I used to especially with school in session. There's half a case of beer in the fridge that's been sitting there since last saturday and it hasn't been touched. I still smoke... Some days more than others. Sometimes I will go through a pack in 2 days and other times a pack will last me up to a week. It all depends on my stress level.
The decision to quit doing drugs was an easy decision to make but hard to continue. I had attempted to quit many times in the past but failed after a few weeks. They say that the body does not become addicted to marijuana but I disagree. I think it all depends on the amount that one smokes if the body becomes addicted or not. I think the best way for me to stay sober is to not hang out with people who are drug users. A few friends smoke pot on occasion and that's great for them and it's okay for me because they respect and love me enough to 1. not bring it around me and 2. not be fucked up around me.
So, going in a totally different direction, I've been thinking about God a lot lately. Always wondering where I fall along the lines of faith and religion. I remember having a conversation with a friend one night if it was possible to be christian and pagan. He said yes. That gave me hope. Now, if I could only shake the agnosticism things would be much better I believe. I believe that there is something out there. It's easiest for me to say yes I believe in God. I actually believe in the Judeo- Christian God. Do I believe in Jesus. Yes, I believe that Jesus did exist. Do I believe that he died for our sins and rose again? Do I believe that Jesus is God and in the whole divine trinity? This is where it becomes a little murky for me. This is where I can honestly say I don't know. I know that this is where the almighty concept of faith kicks in, but I just can't grasp it. I have problems having faith in things in general. I have problems putting faith in something that I can actually see and touch. As for the pagan influence, I do not believe in mutiple gods/goddesses. I believe in a divine energy (which I like to think is the Judeo-Christian God). I believe that animals have meaning, plants, flowers, trees have meaning. The elements are a cause and effect for certain actions and reactions. I believe in Karma and the golden rule. Do I believe in the Bible? yes and no. I think that it is a book full of great ideas. I think that interpretation is up to the reader.
But yes, I've been thinking about God an aweful lot lately. Does He still love me? Is He pleased with me? Am I doing what I should be in order to display His love to others? Am I stil in His good graces? Often times I really miss being a part of the cult. I have to admit that even though they damaged my psyche little by little, I had never felt more love. I felt like I was righteous and doing the right thing for the right reasons. I didn't do things for the cult, I did things for God. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling like I had someone's arms always wrapped around me and my heart. Someone that was always keeping me safe and sound. How do I go back to feeling that again?
Sarah mentioned having to go to church on Monday. After all it's All Saint's Day. A catholic Holy Day of Obligation. She didn't sound so happy about going. I wish I had a church to go to. I wish I could find a church where I fit. I would love to go back to the UU church, but I don't have anyone to go with me. I'm afraid to go alone. I know Bobby would go with me, but he's always at work on Sundays. I don't mind my parents church so much but I just feel so odd and out of place there. I miss the charisma of Bethany. I miss the praise and worship. The singing, the dancing, the clapping, and the people that genuinely love God. I remember always being taught that we all have a God shaped hole in our heart and soul and unless we fill it with God, we will end up filling it with something else. I guess I was filling it with drugs. Now that I'm not on the drugs anymore it's empty again. How do I begin to fill it again?
Yay! I've been 6 months drug free :) I don't know if I should say sober because I still drink and I still smoke. I don't drink nearly as much as I used to especially with school in session. There's half a case of beer in the fridge that's been sitting there since last saturday and it hasn't been touched. I still smoke... Some days more than others. Sometimes I will go through a pack in 2 days and other times a pack will last me up to a week. It all depends on my stress level.
The decision to quit doing drugs was an easy decision to make but hard to continue. I had attempted to quit many times in the past but failed after a few weeks. They say that the body does not become addicted to marijuana but I disagree. I think it all depends on the amount that one smokes if the body becomes addicted or not. I think the best way for me to stay sober is to not hang out with people who are drug users. A few friends smoke pot on occasion and that's great for them and it's okay for me because they respect and love me enough to 1. not bring it around me and 2. not be fucked up around me.
So, going in a totally different direction, I've been thinking about God a lot lately. Always wondering where I fall along the lines of faith and religion. I remember having a conversation with a friend one night if it was possible to be christian and pagan. He said yes. That gave me hope. Now, if I could only shake the agnosticism things would be much better I believe. I believe that there is something out there. It's easiest for me to say yes I believe in God. I actually believe in the Judeo- Christian God. Do I believe in Jesus. Yes, I believe that Jesus did exist. Do I believe that he died for our sins and rose again? Do I believe that Jesus is God and in the whole divine trinity? This is where it becomes a little murky for me. This is where I can honestly say I don't know. I know that this is where the almighty concept of faith kicks in, but I just can't grasp it. I have problems having faith in things in general. I have problems putting faith in something that I can actually see and touch. As for the pagan influence, I do not believe in mutiple gods/goddesses. I believe in a divine energy (which I like to think is the Judeo-Christian God). I believe that animals have meaning, plants, flowers, trees have meaning. The elements are a cause and effect for certain actions and reactions. I believe in Karma and the golden rule. Do I believe in the Bible? yes and no. I think that it is a book full of great ideas. I think that interpretation is up to the reader.
But yes, I've been thinking about God an aweful lot lately. Does He still love me? Is He pleased with me? Am I doing what I should be in order to display His love to others? Am I stil in His good graces? Often times I really miss being a part of the cult. I have to admit that even though they damaged my psyche little by little, I had never felt more love. I felt like I was righteous and doing the right thing for the right reasons. I didn't do things for the cult, I did things for God. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling like I had someone's arms always wrapped around me and my heart. Someone that was always keeping me safe and sound. How do I go back to feeling that again?
Sarah mentioned having to go to church on Monday. After all it's All Saint's Day. A catholic Holy Day of Obligation. She didn't sound so happy about going. I wish I had a church to go to. I wish I could find a church where I fit. I would love to go back to the UU church, but I don't have anyone to go with me. I'm afraid to go alone. I know Bobby would go with me, but he's always at work on Sundays. I don't mind my parents church so much but I just feel so odd and out of place there. I miss the charisma of Bethany. I miss the praise and worship. The singing, the dancing, the clapping, and the people that genuinely love God. I remember always being taught that we all have a God shaped hole in our heart and soul and unless we fill it with God, we will end up filling it with something else. I guess I was filling it with drugs. Now that I'm not on the drugs anymore it's empty again. How do I begin to fill it again?