CopFest 2009 (Otherwise Known as PigRoast Part Deux? Ahahaha...I slay me!)
Lord cop parties are a giant snoozefest. Sorry Fratboy. It's not them. It's me. I just happen to hate Them. Them being most People, most People being as interesting as dryer lint to me. I boggle at people like Poland and Fratboy who can make the world fall in love with their smiles. Or something. I'm sure life is likely infinitely more fun being them but I'm not and so a bbq full of awkward small talk was on par with root canals and gum surgery.
Except at least the dentist gives me drugs.
Ha.
Fortunately there were small people to forever chase after to make sure they didn't run into streets or fall into fire pits or steal any panties. Kids are an excellent excuse to turn around and walk away mid-boring-conversation. Not that I advocate having them for that reason, cuz supposedly they become all 'self sufficient' soon enough and they steal your sleep and Franken your pussy and well there's a myriad of other, less painfully expensive ways to be rude to boring People if your heart is set on it. But. You know. They did the trick on Saturday. Plus they had beer. The party that is, not the small people. Though the small people had beer too and Fitzy drunk is a site to behold but that's clearly a story for another time when CPS can't be called at the drop of a fart. Or a small child. Certainly not a drunk one.
What?
Anyway. Beer. Shots. Plenty. All the while I was so so SO convinced I was sober. I actually thought Fratboy was sober too and woo that should tell you just how drunk I was. Fratboy and I drunk together is an EPICALLY BAD IDEA. We tend to forget that 29 is way too old to fuck like porn stars, especially given our monumentally insane choice to have 2 small people back to back. Given the lack of sleep and hygiene in our lives we're far more likely to fuck like grateful geriatrics these past couple of years.
Granted that has most assuredly been improving this past year as the small people get older and we benember to bathe regularly again. As can be evidenced by my noticeably improving mood. But. Still. There was absolutely no call to go from minor yayas to swinging from chandeliers in one fell swoop.
Areas of my body I've never been acquainted with may never forgive me.
I stayed in bed til noon, more from a complete and utter inability to move than anything. I'm still looking a little used hard and put away wet, I gotta be honest. Which is funny, given...
Oh. Wait. Never mind.
What?
Please gawd make my brain work properly again? My Marketing Plan got approved and I really truly have a very lot of work that I have to do tomorrow and I don't think drooling on myself and asking if I can colour instead is going to go over well.
Plus the sky went all funny tonight. Like, it was 9 pm and still light out but not regular light more like ARMAGEDDON light and it felt like the end of the world was about to hit. And I couldn't tell if this was real ARMAGEDDON or just the worst hangover of my life cuz HAI! usually I drink vodka and vodka is my bestest bestest that ever bestestested because it always fucks me gently (with lube!) and I swear to you if I'd ever woken up before feeling like I did today my entire career as an aspiring alcoholic would have come to a screaming halt because who the hell knew a head could hurt like that and why does my mouth taste like hatred and smashed assholes?!![1]
So I had to confer with both Fratboy AND Poland and they were indeed seeing the same ARMAGEDDON light so for once it wasn't just in my head. And that sense of impending doom is like the worst possible thing in the world when coupled with the hangover from hell. It's hard enough not to vomit under either of those circumstances but together? Ugh.
So I had to go upstairs and hug my kids because if we were all about to die it seemed fitting, yes? And I didn't even vomit on them or anything. And then the sky went normal dark and the small people fell asleep and my head stopped pounding and I no longer have any desire to vomit but it still feels like IMPENDING DOOM.
Which is not fun.
I am so immensely tired of feelings. They are very loud and insistent and more often than not obnoxious and it gets quite exhausting being a slave to them all the time. Unfortunately the only alternative I can figure out is Meatsuit or Serial Killer and neither one of those seem appealing either.
So.
Right.
No point here at all.
Not exactly unusual.
I think I need to lie down now.
Again.
Ouch.
[1]No. Seriously. Don't answer that. Under any circumstances. Because I cannot be altogether sure that the answer isn't literal and do we really need to have that conversation? REALLY?
Except at least the dentist gives me drugs.
Ha.
Fortunately there were small people to forever chase after to make sure they didn't run into streets or fall into fire pits or steal any panties. Kids are an excellent excuse to turn around and walk away mid-boring-conversation. Not that I advocate having them for that reason, cuz supposedly they become all 'self sufficient' soon enough and they steal your sleep and Franken your pussy and well there's a myriad of other, less painfully expensive ways to be rude to boring People if your heart is set on it. But. You know. They did the trick on Saturday. Plus they had beer. The party that is, not the small people. Though the small people had beer too and Fitzy drunk is a site to behold but that's clearly a story for another time when CPS can't be called at the drop of a fart. Or a small child. Certainly not a drunk one.
What?
Anyway. Beer. Shots. Plenty. All the while I was so so SO convinced I was sober. I actually thought Fratboy was sober too and woo that should tell you just how drunk I was. Fratboy and I drunk together is an EPICALLY BAD IDEA. We tend to forget that 29 is way too old to fuck like porn stars, especially given our monumentally insane choice to have 2 small people back to back. Given the lack of sleep and hygiene in our lives we're far more likely to fuck like grateful geriatrics these past couple of years.
Granted that has most assuredly been improving this past year as the small people get older and we benember to bathe regularly again. As can be evidenced by my noticeably improving mood. But. Still. There was absolutely no call to go from minor yayas to swinging from chandeliers in one fell swoop.
Areas of my body I've never been acquainted with may never forgive me.
I stayed in bed til noon, more from a complete and utter inability to move than anything. I'm still looking a little used hard and put away wet, I gotta be honest. Which is funny, given...
Oh. Wait. Never mind.
What?
Please gawd make my brain work properly again? My Marketing Plan got approved and I really truly have a very lot of work that I have to do tomorrow and I don't think drooling on myself and asking if I can colour instead is going to go over well.
Plus the sky went all funny tonight. Like, it was 9 pm and still light out but not regular light more like ARMAGEDDON light and it felt like the end of the world was about to hit. And I couldn't tell if this was real ARMAGEDDON or just the worst hangover of my life cuz HAI! usually I drink vodka and vodka is my bestest bestest that ever bestestested because it always fucks me gently (with lube!) and I swear to you if I'd ever woken up before feeling like I did today my entire career as an aspiring alcoholic would have come to a screaming halt because who the hell knew a head could hurt like that and why does my mouth taste like hatred and smashed assholes?!![1]
So I had to confer with both Fratboy AND Poland and they were indeed seeing the same ARMAGEDDON light so for once it wasn't just in my head. And that sense of impending doom is like the worst possible thing in the world when coupled with the hangover from hell. It's hard enough not to vomit under either of those circumstances but together? Ugh.
So I had to go upstairs and hug my kids because if we were all about to die it seemed fitting, yes? And I didn't even vomit on them or anything. And then the sky went normal dark and the small people fell asleep and my head stopped pounding and I no longer have any desire to vomit but it still feels like IMPENDING DOOM.
Which is not fun.
I am so immensely tired of feelings. They are very loud and insistent and more often than not obnoxious and it gets quite exhausting being a slave to them all the time. Unfortunately the only alternative I can figure out is Meatsuit or Serial Killer and neither one of those seem appealing either.
So.
Right.
No point here at all.
Not exactly unusual.
I think I need to lie down now.
Again.
Ouch.
[1]No. Seriously. Don't answer that. Under any circumstances. Because I cannot be altogether sure that the answer isn't literal and do we really need to have that conversation? REALLY?