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Oh my god, the shame. The shame...
So my number finally came up for Twilight at the library. Frigging libraries. To be honest I don't even remember requesting it, it's been so long. There are books I'm still waiting to get a year later you know? So when it showed up I actually kept thumbing through a book on retirement planning of all fucking things, so great was my interest in some stupid 'best selling' vampire book.
Then I picked it up.
No word of a lie I have not finished a book in one sitting since I had kids 4 years ago. Until now. While I was cooking, eating, playing with the kids, I could not put that damned book down. I'm on the floor, car in one hand, book in the other, all 'uh huh baby, bang-bang, right, gotcha' without once looking up from the page all day.
I tried to make myself stop. I tried to make myself hate. For gods sakes the characters are talking about the dreamy vampire IN TRIG CLASS and they're all like 'so you like him? But do you REALLY like him? HOW MUCH do you really like him?' and I seriously smacked myself around a little. IT'S A HIGH SCHOOL TEENAGE VAMPIRE LOVE STORY. PUT IT DOWN NOW AND WALK AWAY WHILE YOU HAVE ANY SHRED OF DIGNITY LEFT...
When he said 'you are my life now' I literally clutched the book to my chest and swooned.
I'm not gonna lie, I hate myself pretty hard right now.
Not hard enough to stop myself from running out and buying the next installment in the series though...
So Twisty G has been on a muffin kick lately. Every time I ask him what he wants for a special treat he's been all about chocolate chip muffins. So I was about to add them to the grocery list I was making when it occurred to me 'why don't you just make him some retard?!' and so began the rest of the epic battle, because god knows I can't do anything by half measure. Why make one simple thing when you can spend your entire weekend researching low cal recipes and cooking?
No, I don't get me either sometimes.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Low Cal Chocolate Chip Muffins
1 1/3 cups whole wheat pastry flour
2/3 all purpose white flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 whole egg + 1 egg white
2 tbsp canola oil
1 cup fat free vanilla yogurt
1/2 cup skim milk
1/2 cup light brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla
3/4 semi sweet chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Combine flours, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a large bowl.
In a separate bowl whisk eggs, yogurt, oil, milk, sugar and vanilla.
Add dry ingredients to wet and stir until just moist. Fold in chocolate chips. Spoon into muffin tray and bake for 20-25 mins until toothpick comes out dry.
Now the recipe said it makes 6 jumbo muffins at 260 calories and 4 grams of fat each, or 12 standard size. But I still had enough left over to make 3 more standards after the first tray was filled so I'll guesstimate these are more like 110 or 120 cals each and surprisingly they're pretty tasty, given that they're made with yogurt and bizarre shit like that. They have a somewhat weird consistency though. They're denser than I would have liked and almost...mealy? I went to 3 different grocery stores though and could not find whole wheat pastry flour anywhere to save my life so I ended up substituting whole wheat "specialty" flour, whatever the shit that is. Could that account for the dense consistency or is this just what low cal muffins are supposed to be like?
The kids inhaled them for breakfast at any rate and begged for more. I made them eat more of their fruit and yogurt beer and nachos instead. Whew. Almost blew my rep there totally...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Cheesy Chicken Cups
1 can of 10 Pillsbury biscuits
1 cooked chicken breast, diced
1 can Healthy Request Low Fat, Low Sodium Cream of Chicken Soup
2/3 cup light cheddar cheese, shredded
1 tbsp dried parsley
This one was stupid easy.
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Place each biscuit into a muffin pan and press them into the holes and up the sides to form cups.
In a bowl combine chicken, soup, cheese, parsley and add black pepper to taste. Mix well.
Spoon into cups an bake for 15 mins.
According to the recipe each cup is 140 cals, and most of that is the biscuit which are 100 cals each. Which made me a bit hostile, I'm not gonna lie, cuz I forgot how much I frigging hate bland, boring, frigging biscuits. I'm trying to think of what else I could use to make the cups that would keep the recipe relatively low cal cuz otherwise I quite enjoyed these, and the little cups are very convenient portion control if you can stop yourself at eating just 2. Any thoughts? I should also mention that the comments to the recipe said it was pretty bland so you better spice the soup mix up so I added a metric fuckton of onion powder, garlic powder and black pepper but next time I still need to add even more. Don't be shy with the spices here people. Oh and I threw in a bunch of frozen peas/carrots/corn mix I had cuz I wanted to. That definitely helped too.
The kids reacted like I was trying to feed them dirt while pulling their fingernails out. Not unlike any time I try to feed them anything other than pb and j or chocolate chip muffins.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Turkey Pasta Roll Ups
Recipe from Clean Eating Magazine
1 lb ground turkey
1 tsp extra virgin olive oil
1 small onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp sea salt
1 28oz can whole tomatoes
8 whole wheat lasagna noodles
10oz frozen spinach, thawed
15oz light ricotta cheese
1 egg
3/4 cup shredded light mozzarella cheese
Boil pasta, drain and cool.
Preheat to 400 degrees.
Cook diced onion in olive oil. Add garlic, then turkey and cook until no longer pink. Add cinnamon, nutmeg, salt and tomatoes. Simmer for 20 mins.
Squeeze water from spinach and place in a bowl. Stir in ricotta, egg and 1/4 mozzarella.
Spread 1 cup tomato sauce into bottom of 9x11 casserole dish. Erm, what tomato sauce? The meat mixture had simmered down to where there wasn't a cup's worth of just tomato sauce left? I had a can of low sodium tomato sauce on hand so I ended up using that.
Then it said to lay the first lasagna noodle flat in the casserole dish and spread 1/8 of the ricotta mixture and 1/8 of the meat mixture on it and roll it up. That struck me as kind of weird cuz wouldn't you run out of room to keep rolling as you went along and the dish filled? In this case I'm glad I followed the recipe rather that getting out a separate plate to do the rolling on because I hadn't factored in how messy it was to roll up lasagna noodles and how much cheese and meat would goop out the sides but this way it all ended up still in the pan for to be eaten later.
Anyway, lay the rolls seam side down, spread with remaining tomato sauce (WHAT REMAINING TOMATO SAUCE?? Erm. I just used the rest of the can) and top with remaining 1/2 cup mozzarella. Bake covered for 20 mins. Remove foil and broil for 5 mins until brown. I don't know if it's all the extra tomato sauce I added in there but I broiled for 10 mins and it still didn't brown. I was somewhat suspect of any recipe that asked me to add cinnamon and nutmeg to meat and it was every bit as weird as I anticipated. However different does not equal bad. It's just not what I was expecting lasagna to taste like. The fact that I didn't hurl it across the room in a fit clearly indicates how much I've grown as a person.
This one breaks down to 254 calories each and 6 grams of fat.
I didn't bother letting the kids try this one cuz Kneegs loves lasagna more than Garfield and she could cut a bitch if a wasted any of it on those 2 little shits[1] who would weep and carry on like I was killing them trying to make them eat it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Enchiladas
I found this recipe ages ago when I was looking for creative ways to use up leftover turkey and it was so SO good it's become a staple ever since. Clearly it tastes far better than it photographs. That homemade enchilada sauce is my crack. I didn't have any leftover turkey right now so I used ground chicken instead but you can sub in beef or make it veggie by using beans or whatever flips your furniture. This recipe is all about the sauce, baby.
Enchilada Sauce:
2 cups low sodium chicken broth
4 tbsp chili powder
1 tsp cumin
2 tsp garlic powder
3/4 tsp salt
1 pinch cinnamon
1/2 tsp sugar
5 tbsp cold water
5 tbsp white flour
Combine chicken broth, chili powder, cumin, salt, cinnamon and sugar in a sauce pan. Whisk together well. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and low boil for 3 minutes whisking frequently.
While sauce is on slow boil add 5 tbsp water in a small bowl. Whisk in 1 tbsp of flour at a time until smooth.
After 3 mins of cooking sauce turn heat up to high. Very slowly pour flour mixture into sauce, whisking vigorously to avoid lumps. Continue to whisk over medium heat for 1 - 2 minutes. If skin forms on sauce while sitting, peel off and throw away.
I usually do 3 cups of chicken broth and 1 and a half of everything else to make extra sauce cuz I love it that hard.
Enchiladas:
1 1/2 lbs meat or filling of choice
1 yellow onion, finely chopped
3 tbsp veg. oil
3 or 4 cloves garlic, minced
2 and 1/4 tsp cumin
3 tbsp oregano
1 cup tomato sauce
1 1/2 tsp salt
12 small tortillas
shredded cheddar cheese
Preheat oven to 375.
Saute onion in oil for 3 mins. Add meat and salt and cook over medium heat until done. Add garlic and cook for 3 more mins. Add cumin and tomato sauce. Blend oregano into 3/4 cup water and pour onto mixture. Note: I find this too much oregano, not enough sauce so I usually add extra tomato sauce and reduce the amount of water/oregano mixture. Personal taste thing. Either way lower heat and simmer for at least 10 mins.
Coat bottom of casserole dish in enchilada sauce. I like to mash up some kidney or black beans and start with a tbsp of that on the bottom of each tortilla, or just use refried beans if I have them on hand. Then add the meat mixture, sprinkle with some cheese and roll up. Place seam side down in casserole dish until full and smother completely in enchilada sauce. Sprinkle cheese on top and bake in oven for 25 mins or so.
This recipe is even better day 2 when the flavours mingle and settle even more. I have no idea what the cal count is though, the recipe didn't say and I'm too lazy for math right now. :p
[1]Incidentally for anyone who's new here and offends easily, I don't actually think they're little shits except when I slave over a hot stove and they refuse to eat any of it because they're 2 and 4 and such picky eaters. Or when they rip the door off it's hinges. Or shit in the bathtub. Or literally bounce off the walls in maniacal BOYGLEE. Come to think of it, why haven't I sold them on ebay yet?...
So my number finally came up for Twilight at the library. Frigging libraries. To be honest I don't even remember requesting it, it's been so long. There are books I'm still waiting to get a year later you know? So when it showed up I actually kept thumbing through a book on retirement planning of all fucking things, so great was my interest in some stupid 'best selling' vampire book.
Then I picked it up.
No word of a lie I have not finished a book in one sitting since I had kids 4 years ago. Until now. While I was cooking, eating, playing with the kids, I could not put that damned book down. I'm on the floor, car in one hand, book in the other, all 'uh huh baby, bang-bang, right, gotcha' without once looking up from the page all day.
I tried to make myself stop. I tried to make myself hate. For gods sakes the characters are talking about the dreamy vampire IN TRIG CLASS and they're all like 'so you like him? But do you REALLY like him? HOW MUCH do you really like him?' and I seriously smacked myself around a little. IT'S A HIGH SCHOOL TEENAGE VAMPIRE LOVE STORY. PUT IT DOWN NOW AND WALK AWAY WHILE YOU HAVE ANY SHRED OF DIGNITY LEFT...
When he said 'you are my life now' I literally clutched the book to my chest and swooned.
I'm not gonna lie, I hate myself pretty hard right now.
Not hard enough to stop myself from running out and buying the next installment in the series though...
So Twisty G has been on a muffin kick lately. Every time I ask him what he wants for a special treat he's been all about chocolate chip muffins. So I was about to add them to the grocery list I was making when it occurred to me 'why don't you just make him some retard?!' and so began the rest of the epic battle, because god knows I can't do anything by half measure. Why make one simple thing when you can spend your entire weekend researching low cal recipes and cooking?
No, I don't get me either sometimes.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Low Cal Chocolate Chip Muffins
1 1/3 cups whole wheat pastry flour
2/3 all purpose white flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 whole egg + 1 egg white
2 tbsp canola oil
1 cup fat free vanilla yogurt
1/2 cup skim milk
1/2 cup light brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla
3/4 semi sweet chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Combine flours, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a large bowl.
In a separate bowl whisk eggs, yogurt, oil, milk, sugar and vanilla.
Add dry ingredients to wet and stir until just moist. Fold in chocolate chips. Spoon into muffin tray and bake for 20-25 mins until toothpick comes out dry.
Now the recipe said it makes 6 jumbo muffins at 260 calories and 4 grams of fat each, or 12 standard size. But I still had enough left over to make 3 more standards after the first tray was filled so I'll guesstimate these are more like 110 or 120 cals each and surprisingly they're pretty tasty, given that they're made with yogurt and bizarre shit like that. They have a somewhat weird consistency though. They're denser than I would have liked and almost...mealy? I went to 3 different grocery stores though and could not find whole wheat pastry flour anywhere to save my life so I ended up substituting whole wheat "specialty" flour, whatever the shit that is. Could that account for the dense consistency or is this just what low cal muffins are supposed to be like?
The kids inhaled them for breakfast at any rate and begged for more. I made them eat more of their fruit and yogurt beer and nachos instead. Whew. Almost blew my rep there totally...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Cheesy Chicken Cups
1 can of 10 Pillsbury biscuits
1 cooked chicken breast, diced
1 can Healthy Request Low Fat, Low Sodium Cream of Chicken Soup
2/3 cup light cheddar cheese, shredded
1 tbsp dried parsley
This one was stupid easy.
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Place each biscuit into a muffin pan and press them into the holes and up the sides to form cups.
In a bowl combine chicken, soup, cheese, parsley and add black pepper to taste. Mix well.
Spoon into cups an bake for 15 mins.
According to the recipe each cup is 140 cals, and most of that is the biscuit which are 100 cals each. Which made me a bit hostile, I'm not gonna lie, cuz I forgot how much I frigging hate bland, boring, frigging biscuits. I'm trying to think of what else I could use to make the cups that would keep the recipe relatively low cal cuz otherwise I quite enjoyed these, and the little cups are very convenient portion control if you can stop yourself at eating just 2. Any thoughts? I should also mention that the comments to the recipe said it was pretty bland so you better spice the soup mix up so I added a metric fuckton of onion powder, garlic powder and black pepper but next time I still need to add even more. Don't be shy with the spices here people. Oh and I threw in a bunch of frozen peas/carrots/corn mix I had cuz I wanted to. That definitely helped too.
The kids reacted like I was trying to feed them dirt while pulling their fingernails out. Not unlike any time I try to feed them anything other than pb and j or chocolate chip muffins.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Turkey Pasta Roll Ups
Recipe from Clean Eating Magazine
1 lb ground turkey
1 tsp extra virgin olive oil
1 small onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp sea salt
1 28oz can whole tomatoes
8 whole wheat lasagna noodles
10oz frozen spinach, thawed
15oz light ricotta cheese
1 egg
3/4 cup shredded light mozzarella cheese
Boil pasta, drain and cool.
Preheat to 400 degrees.
Cook diced onion in olive oil. Add garlic, then turkey and cook until no longer pink. Add cinnamon, nutmeg, salt and tomatoes. Simmer for 20 mins.
Squeeze water from spinach and place in a bowl. Stir in ricotta, egg and 1/4 mozzarella.
Spread 1 cup tomato sauce into bottom of 9x11 casserole dish. Erm, what tomato sauce? The meat mixture had simmered down to where there wasn't a cup's worth of just tomato sauce left? I had a can of low sodium tomato sauce on hand so I ended up using that.
Then it said to lay the first lasagna noodle flat in the casserole dish and spread 1/8 of the ricotta mixture and 1/8 of the meat mixture on it and roll it up. That struck me as kind of weird cuz wouldn't you run out of room to keep rolling as you went along and the dish filled? In this case I'm glad I followed the recipe rather that getting out a separate plate to do the rolling on because I hadn't factored in how messy it was to roll up lasagna noodles and how much cheese and meat would goop out the sides but this way it all ended up still in the pan for to be eaten later.
Anyway, lay the rolls seam side down, spread with remaining tomato sauce (WHAT REMAINING TOMATO SAUCE?? Erm. I just used the rest of the can) and top with remaining 1/2 cup mozzarella. Bake covered for 20 mins. Remove foil and broil for 5 mins until brown. I don't know if it's all the extra tomato sauce I added in there but I broiled for 10 mins and it still didn't brown. I was somewhat suspect of any recipe that asked me to add cinnamon and nutmeg to meat and it was every bit as weird as I anticipated. However different does not equal bad. It's just not what I was expecting lasagna to taste like. The fact that I didn't hurl it across the room in a fit clearly indicates how much I've grown as a person.
This one breaks down to 254 calories each and 6 grams of fat.
I didn't bother letting the kids try this one cuz Kneegs loves lasagna more than Garfield and she could cut a bitch if a wasted any of it on those 2 little shits[1] who would weep and carry on like I was killing them trying to make them eat it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Enchiladas
I found this recipe ages ago when I was looking for creative ways to use up leftover turkey and it was so SO good it's become a staple ever since. Clearly it tastes far better than it photographs. That homemade enchilada sauce is my crack. I didn't have any leftover turkey right now so I used ground chicken instead but you can sub in beef or make it veggie by using beans or whatever flips your furniture. This recipe is all about the sauce, baby.
Enchilada Sauce:
2 cups low sodium chicken broth
4 tbsp chili powder
1 tsp cumin
2 tsp garlic powder
3/4 tsp salt
1 pinch cinnamon
1/2 tsp sugar
5 tbsp cold water
5 tbsp white flour
Combine chicken broth, chili powder, cumin, salt, cinnamon and sugar in a sauce pan. Whisk together well. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and low boil for 3 minutes whisking frequently.
While sauce is on slow boil add 5 tbsp water in a small bowl. Whisk in 1 tbsp of flour at a time until smooth.
After 3 mins of cooking sauce turn heat up to high. Very slowly pour flour mixture into sauce, whisking vigorously to avoid lumps. Continue to whisk over medium heat for 1 - 2 minutes. If skin forms on sauce while sitting, peel off and throw away.
I usually do 3 cups of chicken broth and 1 and a half of everything else to make extra sauce cuz I love it that hard.
Enchiladas:
1 1/2 lbs meat or filling of choice
1 yellow onion, finely chopped
3 tbsp veg. oil
3 or 4 cloves garlic, minced
2 and 1/4 tsp cumin
3 tbsp oregano
1 cup tomato sauce
1 1/2 tsp salt
12 small tortillas
shredded cheddar cheese
Preheat oven to 375.
Saute onion in oil for 3 mins. Add meat and salt and cook over medium heat until done. Add garlic and cook for 3 more mins. Add cumin and tomato sauce. Blend oregano into 3/4 cup water and pour onto mixture. Note: I find this too much oregano, not enough sauce so I usually add extra tomato sauce and reduce the amount of water/oregano mixture. Personal taste thing. Either way lower heat and simmer for at least 10 mins.
Coat bottom of casserole dish in enchilada sauce. I like to mash up some kidney or black beans and start with a tbsp of that on the bottom of each tortilla, or just use refried beans if I have them on hand. Then add the meat mixture, sprinkle with some cheese and roll up. Place seam side down in casserole dish until full and smother completely in enchilada sauce. Sprinkle cheese on top and bake in oven for 25 mins or so.
This recipe is even better day 2 when the flavours mingle and settle even more. I have no idea what the cal count is though, the recipe didn't say and I'm too lazy for math right now. :p
[1]Incidentally for anyone who's new here and offends easily, I don't actually think they're little shits except when I slave over a hot stove and they refuse to eat any of it because they're 2 and 4 and such picky eaters. Or when they rip the door off it's hinges. Or shit in the bathtub. Or literally bounce off the walls in maniacal BOYGLEE. Come to think of it, why haven't I sold them on ebay yet?...