Courtesy - A (mostly) SCA post
Courtesy seems to be a recurring theme in SCA-related discussion. Afterall, the perceived courtesy of the middle ages is part of the attraction. However, what exactly courtesy consists of is a point of some contention.
According Merriam-Webster (yes, duir_sidhe, I know I’m making you nervous by pulling out the dictionary, sorry about that), courtesy has two related definitions:
1: marked by polished manners, gallantry, or ceremonial usage of a court
2: marked by respect for and consideration of others
I know there are those who see "polished manners" as a frill. Not something really necessary and perhaps even a snobbish affectation. Sunday theagentx and I watched the "Jaynestown" episode of Firefly and I was struck by a bit of dialogue:
KAYLEE: See? You're doing it right now. What's so damn important about bein' proper? Don't mean nothin' out here in the black.
SIMON: It means more out here. It's all I have. My way of being polite or however - it's the only way I have of showing you that I like you. Of showing respect.
I think it perfectly illustrates the connection between the two definitions: Manners are a way (perhaps in many circumstances the way) of showing respect and consideration. Therefore, a lack of manners (when intentional, and not just because no one taught you) demonstrate disrespect.
All well and good, but what does courtesy look like, you know, with skin on? In reference to our game, my dear friend Todd wrote yesterday that he has come to the realization that he no longer enjoys the SCA for a number of reasons. I was interested to read the responses to his post. One wrote, "There is a lot of disillusionment going around." If I may venture a guess, I would say the disillusionment is due to the fact that we all have ideas in our head of what should be, but we lack a good shared vision of the same. I've heard it said the strength of the SCA is in its sheer diversity, but I'm afraid sometimes the rampant "do your own thing" approach merely sows discord.
In that vein, another wrote, "I often find myself feeling like I'm playing a very different game from those around me ... At the event this weekend, our table was the only one out of about 30 that would stand and bow when TRM's and TRH's walked past. It made me sad to see people not giving a damn about courtesy and respect."
And yet ...
A week or so ago, another person on my LJ FL posted about a completely different setting, a monthly Cub Scout pack meeting (where badges, etc. are handed out*), and her pride at her son’s behaviour:
"For the fact is, the overwhelming majority of the kids -- nice, decent kids in other settings, I'm sure -- are unbelievably rowdy during the thing, and you can see that they get it honest, as the parents in attendance seem to think that the leaders' calls for silence do not apply to them. Meanwhile, my (admittedly shy) Number Three Son sits there, quiet and apparently attentive (if not always actually so) and definitely not squirming-- as bored as the next kid, I'll bet, but not acting as if he's remotely entitled to disrupt the proceedings on account of it."
For this mother, the mark of courtesy was the demonstration of respect for his fellows manifested in "not disrupting the proceedings." For the author of the previous comment, the mark of respect is standing when the King or Queen enter the room or pass by. This past Saturday I sat with the group who felt it imperative to stand in the presence of royalty, but did not have an issue with talking (and laughing) through court. Meanwhile there was a couple seated directly across from me who evidently found this behaviour very rude and disruptive. However, once court was over and TRM were walking around, never once did I see them paying enough attention to stand. It was an interesting dynamic for me to watch as these two groups, for whom courtesy was evidently equally important, sat - not entirely quietly - despising each others' lack of courtesy - and probably labeling each other as "goobs" in their heads.
One final note, perhaps to explain why I have chosen not to put this post behind my customary "SCA filter": In thinking about these things, I found myself surfing Scott Farell (Sir Guillaume de la Belgique in the SCA)'s Chivalry Today website. Although he does not list courtesy as one of his "7 Knightly Virtues" (unlike one of the lists found at Wikipedia), he does say under "Generosity":
Sharing what's valuable in life means not just giving away material goods, but also time, attention, wisdom and energy
In many ways I think the "attention" he touches on is analogous to the "consideration" Webster lists in the definion of courtesy. Thus courtesy is an antidote to the general selfishness of our culture at large - and conversely why the lack thereof is a recuring problem in the SCA.
* Not to put too fine a point on it, but replace the word "badge" with "scroll" and those of you in the SCA will understand why it resonated with me.
According Merriam-Webster (yes, duir_sidhe, I know I’m making you nervous by pulling out the dictionary, sorry about that), courtesy has two related definitions:
1: marked by polished manners, gallantry, or ceremonial usage of a court
2: marked by respect for and consideration of others
I know there are those who see "polished manners" as a frill. Not something really necessary and perhaps even a snobbish affectation. Sunday theagentx and I watched the "Jaynestown" episode of Firefly and I was struck by a bit of dialogue:
KAYLEE: See? You're doing it right now. What's so damn important about bein' proper? Don't mean nothin' out here in the black.
SIMON: It means more out here. It's all I have. My way of being polite or however - it's the only way I have of showing you that I like you. Of showing respect.
I think it perfectly illustrates the connection between the two definitions: Manners are a way (perhaps in many circumstances the way) of showing respect and consideration. Therefore, a lack of manners (when intentional, and not just because no one taught you) demonstrate disrespect.
All well and good, but what does courtesy look like, you know, with skin on? In reference to our game, my dear friend Todd wrote yesterday that he has come to the realization that he no longer enjoys the SCA for a number of reasons. I was interested to read the responses to his post. One wrote, "There is a lot of disillusionment going around." If I may venture a guess, I would say the disillusionment is due to the fact that we all have ideas in our head of what should be, but we lack a good shared vision of the same. I've heard it said the strength of the SCA is in its sheer diversity, but I'm afraid sometimes the rampant "do your own thing" approach merely sows discord.
In that vein, another wrote, "I often find myself feeling like I'm playing a very different game from those around me ... At the event this weekend, our table was the only one out of about 30 that would stand and bow when TRM's and TRH's walked past. It made me sad to see people not giving a damn about courtesy and respect."
And yet ...
A week or so ago, another person on my LJ FL posted about a completely different setting, a monthly Cub Scout pack meeting (where badges, etc. are handed out*), and her pride at her son’s behaviour:
"For the fact is, the overwhelming majority of the kids -- nice, decent kids in other settings, I'm sure -- are unbelievably rowdy during the thing, and you can see that they get it honest, as the parents in attendance seem to think that the leaders' calls for silence do not apply to them. Meanwhile, my (admittedly shy) Number Three Son sits there, quiet and apparently attentive (if not always actually so) and definitely not squirming-- as bored as the next kid, I'll bet, but not acting as if he's remotely entitled to disrupt the proceedings on account of it."
For this mother, the mark of courtesy was the demonstration of respect for his fellows manifested in "not disrupting the proceedings." For the author of the previous comment, the mark of respect is standing when the King or Queen enter the room or pass by. This past Saturday I sat with the group who felt it imperative to stand in the presence of royalty, but did not have an issue with talking (and laughing) through court. Meanwhile there was a couple seated directly across from me who evidently found this behaviour very rude and disruptive. However, once court was over and TRM were walking around, never once did I see them paying enough attention to stand. It was an interesting dynamic for me to watch as these two groups, for whom courtesy was evidently equally important, sat - not entirely quietly - despising each others' lack of courtesy - and probably labeling each other as "goobs" in their heads.
One final note, perhaps to explain why I have chosen not to put this post behind my customary "SCA filter": In thinking about these things, I found myself surfing Scott Farell (Sir Guillaume de la Belgique in the SCA)'s Chivalry Today website. Although he does not list courtesy as one of his "7 Knightly Virtues" (unlike one of the lists found at Wikipedia), he does say under "Generosity":
Sharing what's valuable in life means not just giving away material goods, but also time, attention, wisdom and energy
In many ways I think the "attention" he touches on is analogous to the "consideration" Webster lists in the definion of courtesy. Thus courtesy is an antidote to the general selfishness of our culture at large - and conversely why the lack thereof is a recuring problem in the SCA.
* Not to put too fine a point on it, but replace the word "badge" with "scroll" and those of you in the SCA will understand why it resonated with me.