the terrible horrible no good very bad day
I usually have my defenses up but today some kid in the middle of class said some joke about gay people being disgusting and I kinda just went into shock and felt like someone had hit me. I don't know why I took it so hard, but I was getting really mad, and if people know me, anger to me comes in two forms A)yelling and tearing a person to shreds, or B)red in face, so angry that iburst out crying. So today in french class, I almost was option 2. I was blinking back tears. the kid wasn't even talking to me. I wanted to kill him and cry.
then I heard someone tell me that gay people were gross. I held my cool during that one.
So I just feel hurt that people are such assholes.
then on the ride home, my father told me that my mom was getting worse and i should open my eyes to that and help her out. I don't even want to begin to describe how i feel about this. I don't have words. My friends at school, well some specific ones in mind, are being really shitty. I just wish that everything wasn't fallign apart. I really want to disappear from here. I think that truly I exist best in memory to these people as that weird girl who had that cool fundraiser thingy... what was it again? I don't even remember her name.... Shane?
I'll then sneak onto a train and ride to vermont, say hello, and then ride elsewhere.
dreams are nice, aren't they?
I just feel so bad due to other people's actions (my fault for being an oversensitive moron), and that my mom is getting worse and a more rapid pace and I have been able to handle it for years, but now that I see it every day, I don't think I can anymore. I just cry thinking about it, let alone having to pretend that im cool and strong and helpful and meaningful and all that crap. the thing with death is, you get over it after a short amount of time. it's immediate, your friends flock to you and make you feel better, and then they go. With MS, it's a long period of suck for years, and no one is there to comfort you. all of us children try to be there for our father, but he shuts us out. we try to be there for mom, but she then shuts us out. So we're useless.
not to mention that my sister's mikvah made my mother cry and my dad - this is talent - made that my fault. figure that one out. I can't because im really upset and my brain is ready to nuke.
off to find more wine,
love you all,
Shea
then I heard someone tell me that gay people were gross. I held my cool during that one.
So I just feel hurt that people are such assholes.
then on the ride home, my father told me that my mom was getting worse and i should open my eyes to that and help her out. I don't even want to begin to describe how i feel about this. I don't have words. My friends at school, well some specific ones in mind, are being really shitty. I just wish that everything wasn't fallign apart. I really want to disappear from here. I think that truly I exist best in memory to these people as that weird girl who had that cool fundraiser thingy... what was it again? I don't even remember her name.... Shane?
I'll then sneak onto a train and ride to vermont, say hello, and then ride elsewhere.
dreams are nice, aren't they?
I just feel so bad due to other people's actions (my fault for being an oversensitive moron), and that my mom is getting worse and a more rapid pace and I have been able to handle it for years, but now that I see it every day, I don't think I can anymore. I just cry thinking about it, let alone having to pretend that im cool and strong and helpful and meaningful and all that crap. the thing with death is, you get over it after a short amount of time. it's immediate, your friends flock to you and make you feel better, and then they go. With MS, it's a long period of suck for years, and no one is there to comfort you. all of us children try to be there for our father, but he shuts us out. we try to be there for mom, but she then shuts us out. So we're useless.
not to mention that my sister's mikvah made my mother cry and my dad - this is talent - made that my fault. figure that one out. I can't because im really upset and my brain is ready to nuke.
off to find more wine,
love you all,
Shea