The First Time, Chapter 15
Title: The First Time
Rating: R
A/N: My mind is pretty quiet tonight, and no pearls of either wisdom or wit are immediately forthcoming, so I will simply give you the next chapter, and wish you all a good start to the week.
Read Chapter 1 here
Read Chapter 2 here
Read Chapter 3 here
Read Chapter 4 here
Read Chapter 5 here
Read Chapter 6 here
Read Chapter 7 here
Read Chapter 8 here
Read Chapter 9 here
Read Chapter 10 here
Read Chapter 11 here
Read Chapter 12 here
Read Chapter 13 here
Read Chapter 14 here
Chapter 15
The first time Pepa tells Marta about Silvia, it’s three days after her talk with Don Lorenzo, and it’s taken her that long to find the courage.
She shows up outside Marta’s apartment early in the morning with coffee and Marta’s favorite pastry from a bakery down the street.
She knocks on the door and holds her breath. For a moment, there’s nothing, and then the door cracks. Marta peers out at her.
“Hi,” Pepa offers.
Marta considers her.
“I didn’t think I was going to see you again,” she says. Her voice is hard.
Pepa nods. “I know. I’m…sorry. I shouldn’t have run out.”
“Pepa, you didn’t just run out. I told you I loved you, and you pretty much sprinted out the door.”
Pepa bites the inside of her cheek and then takes a breath.
“I know I fucked up,” she says. “But there’s something I need to explain to you. There’s something you need to understand. Can I come in?”
Marta stares at her. Pepa lifts the pastry bag and the coffee.
“I brought your favorite,” she says hopefully.
She can’t be sure, but she thinks there’s a small smile tugging on the edge of Marta’s mouth.
“You’re really irritating,” she informs her. Pepa nods in agreement.
“I’ve been told. Now can I please come in?”
Marta sighs and eases the door open.
“Yeah, okay.”
Pepa walks into the apartment, and sets the coffee and pastries down on the counter, nudging a plant out of the way. She turns toward Marta, waiting expectantly.
“I’m sorry, Marta. I really am. There’s no excuse for what I did. I just…panicked.”
Marta crosses her arms.
“I don’t have a lot of experience, but I don’t think it’s the usual reaction to ‘I love you,’ Pepa.”
“I know,” Pepa says. “But there’s a reason I reacted the way I did. And I need to explain why,” Pepa steps closer to Marta and offers her hand. Marta stares for a second, and then takes it. Pepa turns and leads her to the couch. They sit.
Pepa takes a moment to compose herself before speaking.
“When you told me in the restaurant that you loved me, you really took me by surprise. I wasn’t ready for that. I still don’t know if I’m ready.”
“Pepa-” Marta tries to interject, but Pepa holds up her hand.
“I’ve truly loved one woman in my life. And I loved her like….Well, I didn’t think it was possible to love someone like that. I just never thought that that would be me, that I would ever be that lucky. But I was. And then she was taken away from me on the day I promised to spend the rest of my life with her.” Pepa stops, her voice catching. Marta leans forward to take her hand.
“Silvia,” she says softly.
Pepa nods. “Silvia.”
Marta squeezes her hand. “I’m sorry, Pepa.”
Pepa shakes her head. “I’m not telling you this because I want you to feel sorry for me. I’m telling you this because I need you to understand where I’m coming from, and why I reacted the way I did. I want to…tell you about Silvia.”
Marta looks at her with sympathetic eyes.
“Are you sure?” she asks. “You don’t have to do this.”
Pepa gives her a shaky smile. “Yes, I do. If you and I are going to move forward, then I have to. And I realize this is going to be hard for you, but I need you to listen.”
Marta takes a moment to consider Pepa’s words.
“Okay,” she says at last. “Tell me about Silvia.”
And so Pepa spends the next several hours telling Marta the story of how she and Silvia came to be, from a stolen teenage kiss under a table to a strip tease lesson to a proposal utterly unique to them. As she talks, Pepa finds herself laughing at turns, and at turns, wiping tears from her eyes. The memories and the words to share them come easily, naturally.
She never thought she could share Silvia with anyone but those who knew her. She didn’t think it was possible to express her light to someone who never saw it for themselves. But Pepa does. The words Silvia always insisted Pepa had at her disposal come to her, simply and elegantly.
And so Pepa tells Marta everything. She even tells her everything that happened after the wedding - her escape to Italy, El Gordo, how broken she was, her eventual rocky return. She tells Marta about the dream that still haunts her on occasion.
And Marta sits quietly, in rapt attention. Her eyes never waver from Pepa, and she never makes Pepa feel like it was the wrong decision to share this with her. If she’s shocked by Pepa’s actions, she doesn’t show it.
When Pepa at last finishes, there is silence. Pepa looks down and twists her hands together. It’s a lot for one person to take in, and she can’t quite look at Marta. What if, in the end, it’s just too much? What if she decides that Pepa is too damaged after all to have another relationship? Pepa knows she’s screwed up, and she wouldn’t blame Marta one bit if she didn’t want to deal with her.
But then Marta reaches over and lays her hand over Pepa’s. Pepa looks up.
“Thank you,” Marta says, tears in her eyes. “Thank you for sharing all that with me. I know…it was really hard for you.”
“You’re not…going to run away after that?” Pepa asks. “After everything that’s happened? Everything I’ve done?”
Marta shakes her head.
“No,” she says. “Pepa, I had some idea of all of this, from things I’ve heard, things I’ve pieced together. But hearing all of it, just now, I’m in awe of you. Most people, having gone through what you have, well, they probably wouldn’t have survived. But you did. I don’t know if it was with Silvia’s help, or your own sheer stubbornness, or both, but you made it through. And now I’m the lucky one. Because I have such an amazing woman in my life.”
Pepa tears up.
“There are still days when I miss her,” Pepa confesses in a whisper. “So much.”
Marta nods. “I know,” she says and opens her arms to Pepa. And as Pepa crawls into them, she says, “We’ll get through it together, okay? You’re not alone, Pepa.”
Pepa closes her eyes as she wraps her arms around the smaller woman. It is only mid-morning and she is exhausted.
“Okay,” she answers.
Within minutes, she is asleep.