Like a Thousand miles of fire...
Reading through my old posts makes me laugh. So much teenage angst. Not that I'm all that over the angstiness. Is that even a word? Probably not. As you can see, my randomness hasn't changed much either. I am sitting here listening to some of the songs I used to listen to when I was a teenager and at least I had good taste in music, even if some of my other choices were less than ideal. Looking back on my life, it is funny that I ended up the way I did. I fell in love quickly, easily, and hard... and frequently, it seems. Now I have been with the same man for 7 years, married for 5, and have a 2 year old son. We are happy and our relationship has the potential to really go the distance, so to speak. Mike is a really great man despite his flaws. When I fell for him, never in a million years did I see us where we are today. I knew my track record with guys. I tend to lose interest. Mike has somehow kept me interested for this long, which must mean something, right? He is so supportive of me and that has been such a big deal in our relationship since I am pretty impulsive. When I joined the Army, he was the one writing me letters in boot camp every day so that I had one to read each night. He was the one that put his life on hold to come see me in AIT. When I told him I needed him there, he jumped on a plane and was there. Nobody else would have done that for me. When I got the idea to more to Oregon, he agreed, no questions asked. When I decided I hated Oregon and wanted to move back home, he packed up the cars and drove 11 hours to move us back home. When I was stranded in Texas, he drove over 20 hours straight to pick me up. He has just always been there. I don't think I really deserve him, which is maybe why I stay. I don't deserve him, but I probably would never find anyone as amazing as him. With all the crap I have put him through the last 7 years, I would have dumped me.
Even having said that, a part of me wonders how my life would be if Mike wasn't in it. The person that I used to be before him is still there. In my head. The girl that yearns for adventure and an epic love that just blows you off your feet. Maybe Mike and I had that. I hardly remember now. I only remember that we had an extremely tumultuous relationship that caused a lot of pain. Now that we've grown comfortable with each other, we fight less, but we connect less too. It sometimes feels like we are just roommates with a communal kid. Our arguments are monotonous: money, differing opinions on raising our child, housework. It plays out and then back to normal. It is pretty boring, if I am being honest. At least when we used to have these huge blow-up fights, the make-up was passionate and equally as explosive. Now the make-up is just saying "Fine, it's done, can we move on?"
It is nice that nobody reads this shit. Good outlet for my feelings.
Even having said that, a part of me wonders how my life would be if Mike wasn't in it. The person that I used to be before him is still there. In my head. The girl that yearns for adventure and an epic love that just blows you off your feet. Maybe Mike and I had that. I hardly remember now. I only remember that we had an extremely tumultuous relationship that caused a lot of pain. Now that we've grown comfortable with each other, we fight less, but we connect less too. It sometimes feels like we are just roommates with a communal kid. Our arguments are monotonous: money, differing opinions on raising our child, housework. It plays out and then back to normal. It is pretty boring, if I am being honest. At least when we used to have these huge blow-up fights, the make-up was passionate and equally as explosive. Now the make-up is just saying "Fine, it's done, can we move on?"
It is nice that nobody reads this shit. Good outlet for my feelings.