At what point...?
Every few months I go thru a cycle of frustration in kung fu. I've gotten used to it. I've learned to work through it or ignore it. Lately I've been going thru another bout of frustration and it feels different. Very different.
Several classes I've had panic attacks about going. Most of the time I get to class and the feeling goes away. Most of the time. When it doesn't it is a horrible time and I just grit my teeth and count down until my 60 minutes is up.
There is also my constant tiredness. Keeping up with everyone else is hard. Most of the time I'm passing myself as hard as I can. My heart is pounding, I'm sucking wind, my muscles are shaking, and I'm sweating profusely. I have to take breaks constantly. I'm not doing anything more than I usually do, but it feels like I'm running a marathon. I need to see my doctor about my thyroid (apparently mid-thirties is when I blows out for the women in the family).
Then I get into doing forms. In my mind I'm telling myself "Don't lead with your fingers" and "Keep your wrists straight" and "Strike with your palm." However, when the black belts talk to me they are telling me I'm still doing it all wrong. And this is happening over and over and over again.
After a bit of a crying fit when I got home and wondered, seriously, if I had only received my last belt because of time served my roommate suggested that maybe I needed to take a break for the rest of the month. She noted that I've been having more and more frustration about my performance or lack thereof. Pushing myself isn't making things better. I hate the idea of taking a break. It feels like I'm quitting and waking away rather than persevering.