first time using an lj
well apparently i should have an lj. i mean i agree totaly seeing that i write all the time. hmm. what to write for my very first entry. well i already wrote a 6 page journal entry about this weekend earlier so i really dont feel like doing great detail about that again. well parts of it were extremely awesome, such as yediel and sam coming to visit me. other parts were not so great. such as erez and i ending. well we did a bunch of fun stuff while they were down here such as going to the beach, mall, outlets, and movies. then we went to robs party and a delta chi party. it was really chill. but then there was the whole dark cloud of the not-so-unspoken tension or erez and i. well obviously there was tension we ended friday, and he left sunday morning. i slept at nicks saturday night so he could stay in my bed and so that we could have some space. which seems to have been a bad idea because now its thought that i slept with nick. how wonderful. i honestly have no idea what to think about the whole erez situation. to be honest i feel like the past 6 months have been an ongoing struggle. we're just two completly different people. im really sensitive and hes not-so-much. which seems to be the situation with most relationships involving two people. one person is always the one being sensitive and wondering why the other isnt and vice versa. so yeah basicly its like this, we've agreed we are over. and i'm trying my best to crush out the last remaing sparks of hope. letting go of someone is the hardest thing to do. because you always have that stubborn hope in the back of your mind that it will work out. you remember those moments where you were so incredibly happy and you go through hell to relive those moments. but i finally think that i can do this. its going to be hard but i'm already feeling happier than i have been. its like now i dont have to worry anymore. i still love him. i still forget we're over and want to talk to him and see how he is. but now it's like i know what i want. and crying and fighting and feeling like i can't breathe are not what i want. my friends are sick of hearing me tell them about him standing me up, or about how he can say things that sting for days. abel actually said to me "you always fake on me so that you can get stood up by him. hes making you look pathetic. its always cause of him that your missing your friends." its like i always have to be stubborn and think i'm right even when everyone around me is saying the same thing about me being wrong. its just so hard to think that someone you love doesnt love you back and theres nothing you can do about it. its like some sort of sick joke. i mean here we are with this increible feeling and it can make you so miserable. but today was weird. at first when i came home and realized he left and i wouldnt be able to say goodbye to him and it might be the last time i see him i felt so low. but then i started doing laundry and i talked to people and i realized that i am a happy person. like i enjoy being happy. and now i can be. now i dont have to stress about what im doing wrong. its like standing on the roof of a building thats on fire. everyones telling you to jump. and you know that staying there will kill you, but you hesitate to jump. because although you know your not safe, the idea of leaving, the idea of taking that leap is overwhelming. but sometimes you just have to trust the people around you and do it. because if your trying this hard its not worth trying. and yeah. thats my first entry. im going to go pass out now.