I Am Crushing Soooo Hard!
I'm in love with Michelle Branch and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I can still remember exactly what I was doing when I first heard her song "Everywhere" on the radio: I was listening to the radio... and to the voice of an angel. Later, when I saw her video on MTV, I discovered that she had the face of an angel as well. A very young angel, yes, but an angel nonetheless.
And as it turned out, my initial dismay at discovering that she was only sixteen soon gave way to gleeful delight and maniacal laughter when I realized that I now had a full two years to plot the kidnapping that I would eventually, and heroically "rescue" her from, thus prompting either the obligatory, thank-you-for-saving-me, hot, steamy and totally legal sex, or jail time. Either way, I was gonna get laid.
The plan was just minutes away from "go time" when it suddenly occurred to me that this wasn't about sex at all. It was about my true, and completely rational love of a musical celebrity who I've never met and who doesn't know I exist. Using logic that only I possess, I figured that if Michelle were simply made aware of my existence, she would have no choice but to fall in love with me. And with that in mind, I decided to contact her.
Well, that was a few months ago and I've been meaning to write her a letter ever since, but I just can't seem to find the right words. It's like, I want to tell her how much she means to me, how much I love her with all my heart and soul, and how much I want her inside me, but I don't want it to sound like I'm a creepy weirdo.
Anyway, I've procrastinated long enough. It's time to give it a shot.
Dear Sexy,
Hey Beautiful,
Dearest Michelle,
Michelle,
I am not a stalker. Seriously though, I'm not.
I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I truly love you with all
Your sadness is my sadness
You're the sister I never had, well, except that I would never sleep with my sister, though I do want to sleep with you
I have a weird instinct that tells me that we were meant to be friends, or meet, or something...
I just wanted to write to you and let you know how much I enjoy your music. I think it's amazing that you write and perform all your own songs; you really are a gifted musician! Last February, I got to see you at "Slim's" in San Francisco and I still can't believe how great you sounded live! Thank you for such an amazing performance! One thing though: if you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert, you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew--that's my little brother man, he's only six years old. We waited in the blistering cold for you, for four hours and you just said, "No."
I'm such a big fan. I'm also your soul-mate. I even have your independent album that you made before "The Spirit Room" and I thought it was kind of neat that I had to send the check for "Broken Bracelet" to your dad. By the way, just curious, was that his home address or his business address? Anyway, so yeah, I have both your albums and they both totally ROCK! Also, I collect magazines that have you on the cover! And you know what's funny? I keep them in the same shoebox where I keep my porno mags. Isn't that hilarious?!
Oh, I almost forgot, I enclosed a photo of yourself and one of me naked and aroused and I would be delighted if you would autograph it and return it to me in the enclosed stamped, self-addressed envelope. Or you could return it to me in person, if that'd be more convenient for you. I swear I won't try anything.
Anyway Michelle, you've got it all. You're talented and beautiful, and you're a wonderful role-model for young women, not to mention an excellent masturbatory-aid for young men. I can only hope that many years from now you'll still be making music. And by "making music" I mean "having sex", with me, consensually and on a regular basis.
I guess I'm done. A sure sign that I am not...
Love (for reals),
Sincerely,
Thomas Big Pine-Branch
P.S. In case you're wondering, the ink I used to sign my name is actually my own blood.