About rape: Notes for the men
Inspired by an ongoing discussion/debate at a friend's journal, which has all the usual drama: several women who agree that rape is awful, that it's a lot more common than most men want to realize (hell, it's more common than *we* want to realize), and that Something Must Be Done... and the obligatory guy or two who keeps talking about people whose lives have been ruined by false accusations, and how that, too, must be considered, and how rape is not just a women's issue 'cos men get raped too, and that "ordinary guys" are not rapists; rapists are Bad People who are Sick In The Head or something like that.
Bleah.
I hate these discussions; they're always painful and awkward. The women tell each other little tips: how to spot the signs that a guy may not be willing to wait for a "yes," how to discourage a creepy ex who's semi-stalking you, how to appeal to the police for legal help before or after a rape. And they bemoan the fact that these things are necessary: that rape is not treated like other crimes... nobody excuses a mugging because "well, there he was in a bad part of town, looking rich." Nobody excuses a theft because "dammit, he left his Mercedes unlocked, what did he expect would happen to it?" They sometimes berate the idiot who does these things--but they don't assume that the crime is justified because of them.
And, inevitably, when these discussions come up, many girls & women speak up in support of each other, one or two guys (and sometimes one or two women who think the rest of us should just "get over it" and stop creating a rape-filled reality by focusing on it) will say something about how it's not as bad as we make it out to be, or we're focused on the wrong aspects of it, or we're not giving credit to the men who've been raped or who've had their lives wrecked by being falsely accused or so on.
And there's an uncomfortable silence from the men who'd never rape, who've never even vaguely taking advantage of a woman who's drunk or depressed or just tired, who are appalled at what some members of their gender have done, and hate being reminded that their casual acquaintances probably see them as potential rapists.
Most rapists are "ordinary guys." More than that, most rapists are guys who are accepted and liked by their peers. The knife-wielding creepy psycho jumping out of the bushes is *not* your average rapist; the "average" rapist is a popular, often good-looking guy who decides that his date is going to put out tonight, whether she really wants to or not.
AND HE IS VINDICATED BY THE REACTIONS OF HIS PEERS. This is the key part.
He says to his buddies in the break room, "Well, she was a little reluctant, but I showed her who's boss," and the other guys chuckle. He says "my ex-girlfriend is squawking about some stupid rape thing, but I only gave her what she wanted and now she's bitching," and the other guys nod sympathetically.
Some of you don't, I know. Some of you frown, and turn away, and clench your fists against the casual cruelty and the terrifying implications that here you are, surrounded by six guys who think it's okay to treat a woman like an inflatable doll that happens to contain a "Don't do that! Please stop now!" recording.
Hey guys? This is directed at you, directed at my friends: the ones who are shocked by the rape statistics (25% of all women in America... if you don't believe that, ask your female friends), the ones who are deeply hurt when a woman flinches because you moved forward too fast, the ones who are afraid to make the first move (or the second or the third) because you don't want to be mistaken for One Of Them. Wanna help out? Wanna be part of the solution that we're all so desparate to find?
STOP TURNING AWAY.
Let 'em see your reaction. Speak up; tell them "that's sick" when they brag about pushing a woman past her boundaries; make snide comments about how they can't find a willing woman; tell 'em "fuck, dude, I'm a GEEK and even I don't have to force girls to fuck me."
You'll probably get called a wimp. A pussy. A dickless feminist. Or some other string of insults that I, not being privy to men's private conversations, can only speculate about.
But dammit, if you do it often enough, in small, personal settings, it will start changing things. If any time a guy speaks up about pushing a woman past her limits, someone reacts like he talked about changing diapers in public, he'll think before he talks. And if he can't brag about it, he's less likely to do it. If rape jokes fall flat, they'll stop being told, and they'll stop reinforcing the idea that this is normal, this is deplorable-but-understandable behavior.
Racism did not become unacceptable because laws were passed against it, nor because tolerant-minded politicians made impassioned speeches against it... it became unacceptable because ordinary people, in their private conversations, stopped thinking of "nigger jokes" as funny, and they gradually told their buddies "this ain' the place for that kind of joke." WIth that half-smile with the wrinkled nose that says "... and I don't know why you think it's funny at all, but I don't care how filthy your taste in humor is as long as you don't share it with my kids."
Rapism--the attitude that a woman with a short dress is "asking for it" or that a man is "entitled" to certain things after paying for a date or that he's a football player, she must've wanted it--will only be stopped by the same methods. No amount of laws or prosecutions can change social standards; people will continue to believe that "rapists" are those creepy losers who stalk women in parking lots, and the guy who pushes his date (who was gonna give in eventually, really, so what's the harm in getting it a little early?) is some other category of person, something acceptable in polite conversation.
Guys, we can't do it alone. Women aren't in on those conversations; even when we overhear them, we're not invited to participate. IT HAS TO COME FROM YOU. It has to be someone they can relate to... someone who can say, "Yes, I've got the same wants; I know what drives you have 'cos I share them--and I think that's disgusting."
They'll probably throw technicalities at you--what about cockteases, women who lead men on and then dump them at the crucial moment? What about girls who cry rape when nothing happened? What about women who sexually harass men in the workplace?
Throw them back at them. "This isn't about technicalities, dude, you were talking about Brenda, who didn't want to put out but you forced her. Which is probably a crime, but that's not the point--the point is that you are such a loser you can't get a women who's willing. No wonder none of your last three girlfriends lasted more than two months." Make it PERSONAL. If he says "she was askin' for it," come back with "that doesn't mean you had to give it to her... dude, if she wants it that bad, make her ask. Hell, dude, make her beg for it... a stud like you can manage that, can't you?"
More important ('cos I know that's not always possible; you can't stop the company vice-president in the middle of his tacky joke, not if you expect to keep your job)--be willing to be thought of as "that guy with no sense of humor." Be willing to take some of the heat we women get for not enjoying tales of conquest and domination. Be willing to be the wet blanket; be willing to be ignored when they're inviting the guys to Happy Hour at the pub; be willing to, occasionally, miss out on an actual promotion because you "just don't fit in right."
Wanna help? Wanna support your sisters who've gone through atrocities you have trouble even imagining?
TAKE A STAND. Tell the other guys that's not funny.
Bleah.
I hate these discussions; they're always painful and awkward. The women tell each other little tips: how to spot the signs that a guy may not be willing to wait for a "yes," how to discourage a creepy ex who's semi-stalking you, how to appeal to the police for legal help before or after a rape. And they bemoan the fact that these things are necessary: that rape is not treated like other crimes... nobody excuses a mugging because "well, there he was in a bad part of town, looking rich." Nobody excuses a theft because "dammit, he left his Mercedes unlocked, what did he expect would happen to it?" They sometimes berate the idiot who does these things--but they don't assume that the crime is justified because of them.
And, inevitably, when these discussions come up, many girls & women speak up in support of each other, one or two guys (and sometimes one or two women who think the rest of us should just "get over it" and stop creating a rape-filled reality by focusing on it) will say something about how it's not as bad as we make it out to be, or we're focused on the wrong aspects of it, or we're not giving credit to the men who've been raped or who've had their lives wrecked by being falsely accused or so on.
And there's an uncomfortable silence from the men who'd never rape, who've never even vaguely taking advantage of a woman who's drunk or depressed or just tired, who are appalled at what some members of their gender have done, and hate being reminded that their casual acquaintances probably see them as potential rapists.
Most rapists are "ordinary guys." More than that, most rapists are guys who are accepted and liked by their peers. The knife-wielding creepy psycho jumping out of the bushes is *not* your average rapist; the "average" rapist is a popular, often good-looking guy who decides that his date is going to put out tonight, whether she really wants to or not.
AND HE IS VINDICATED BY THE REACTIONS OF HIS PEERS. This is the key part.
He says to his buddies in the break room, "Well, she was a little reluctant, but I showed her who's boss," and the other guys chuckle. He says "my ex-girlfriend is squawking about some stupid rape thing, but I only gave her what she wanted and now she's bitching," and the other guys nod sympathetically.
Some of you don't, I know. Some of you frown, and turn away, and clench your fists against the casual cruelty and the terrifying implications that here you are, surrounded by six guys who think it's okay to treat a woman like an inflatable doll that happens to contain a "Don't do that! Please stop now!" recording.
Hey guys? This is directed at you, directed at my friends: the ones who are shocked by the rape statistics (25% of all women in America... if you don't believe that, ask your female friends), the ones who are deeply hurt when a woman flinches because you moved forward too fast, the ones who are afraid to make the first move (or the second or the third) because you don't want to be mistaken for One Of Them. Wanna help out? Wanna be part of the solution that we're all so desparate to find?
STOP TURNING AWAY.
Let 'em see your reaction. Speak up; tell them "that's sick" when they brag about pushing a woman past her boundaries; make snide comments about how they can't find a willing woman; tell 'em "fuck, dude, I'm a GEEK and even I don't have to force girls to fuck me."
You'll probably get called a wimp. A pussy. A dickless feminist. Or some other string of insults that I, not being privy to men's private conversations, can only speculate about.
But dammit, if you do it often enough, in small, personal settings, it will start changing things. If any time a guy speaks up about pushing a woman past her limits, someone reacts like he talked about changing diapers in public, he'll think before he talks. And if he can't brag about it, he's less likely to do it. If rape jokes fall flat, they'll stop being told, and they'll stop reinforcing the idea that this is normal, this is deplorable-but-understandable behavior.
Racism did not become unacceptable because laws were passed against it, nor because tolerant-minded politicians made impassioned speeches against it... it became unacceptable because ordinary people, in their private conversations, stopped thinking of "nigger jokes" as funny, and they gradually told their buddies "this ain' the place for that kind of joke." WIth that half-smile with the wrinkled nose that says "... and I don't know why you think it's funny at all, but I don't care how filthy your taste in humor is as long as you don't share it with my kids."
Rapism--the attitude that a woman with a short dress is "asking for it" or that a man is "entitled" to certain things after paying for a date or that he's a football player, she must've wanted it--will only be stopped by the same methods. No amount of laws or prosecutions can change social standards; people will continue to believe that "rapists" are those creepy losers who stalk women in parking lots, and the guy who pushes his date (who was gonna give in eventually, really, so what's the harm in getting it a little early?) is some other category of person, something acceptable in polite conversation.
Guys, we can't do it alone. Women aren't in on those conversations; even when we overhear them, we're not invited to participate. IT HAS TO COME FROM YOU. It has to be someone they can relate to... someone who can say, "Yes, I've got the same wants; I know what drives you have 'cos I share them--and I think that's disgusting."
They'll probably throw technicalities at you--what about cockteases, women who lead men on and then dump them at the crucial moment? What about girls who cry rape when nothing happened? What about women who sexually harass men in the workplace?
Throw them back at them. "This isn't about technicalities, dude, you were talking about Brenda, who didn't want to put out but you forced her. Which is probably a crime, but that's not the point--the point is that you are such a loser you can't get a women who's willing. No wonder none of your last three girlfriends lasted more than two months." Make it PERSONAL. If he says "she was askin' for it," come back with "that doesn't mean you had to give it to her... dude, if she wants it that bad, make her ask. Hell, dude, make her beg for it... a stud like you can manage that, can't you?"
More important ('cos I know that's not always possible; you can't stop the company vice-president in the middle of his tacky joke, not if you expect to keep your job)--be willing to be thought of as "that guy with no sense of humor." Be willing to take some of the heat we women get for not enjoying tales of conquest and domination. Be willing to be the wet blanket; be willing to be ignored when they're inviting the guys to Happy Hour at the pub; be willing to, occasionally, miss out on an actual promotion because you "just don't fit in right."
Wanna help? Wanna support your sisters who've gone through atrocities you have trouble even imagining?
TAKE A STAND. Tell the other guys that's not funny.