Verbal Self-defense & physical violence
I followed a few friends' links around, and wound up at feminist reading this thread about the possibility that women should "take responsibility" for the aggression they bring into a relationship.
And, of course, many flames ensued.
I think I understand what the original poster (ladydaydreamer) is trying to say, but doesn't have the vocabulary: there are women who incite violence, women who control & manipulate their partners, consciously or not, and who create such a hostile environment that their partners lash out physically.
I can't even figure out how to post a response mentioning verbal self-defense. I think that verbal violence is a major issue they are missing; that some of the feminists aren't noticing it exists--that either side could be verbally violent in ways that don't involve actively shouting or calling the other person vile names. They don't seem to have any consciousness that "verbal abuse" doesn't just mean "telling the partner that s/he's stupid, ugly and worthless".
I can't remember when I first read GAVSD. It was sometime in my teen years. It's always been a part of my adult communication skills. I'm blessed with a family & social circles that don't do verbal violence (for the most part); I'm always surprised when I find it, and dismayed at how little people notice it, how much they rise to the bait and get into painful exchanges that leave them feeling absolutely awful. (Once one has learned the patterns of verbal abuse, they're pretty obvious. And fairly easy to deflect--those who can argue around the counters, aren't generally interested in the abuse patterns.)
Err. I'm rambling.
So there's verbal abuse. And there's physical abuse. And they're often tied together, especially in very close relationships like marriages. And while verbal abuse is fairly equally distributed by gender, physical abuse is not... the man who is verbally abused may lash out physically, or the man who is a verbal abuser may be a physical abuser as well. Female physical abuse happens, but not as much--not enough to be a society-wide problem (except that many legal officials refuse to believe it exists, and are even less likely to prosecute a female abuser than a male.)
I really, really want to push VSD at the feminists who want to fight spousal abuse problems. I have no idea how to start.
And, of course, many flames ensued.
I think I understand what the original poster (ladydaydreamer) is trying to say, but doesn't have the vocabulary: there are women who incite violence, women who control & manipulate their partners, consciously or not, and who create such a hostile environment that their partners lash out physically.
I can't even figure out how to post a response mentioning verbal self-defense. I think that verbal violence is a major issue they are missing; that some of the feminists aren't noticing it exists--that either side could be verbally violent in ways that don't involve actively shouting or calling the other person vile names. They don't seem to have any consciousness that "verbal abuse" doesn't just mean "telling the partner that s/he's stupid, ugly and worthless".
I can't remember when I first read GAVSD. It was sometime in my teen years. It's always been a part of my adult communication skills. I'm blessed with a family & social circles that don't do verbal violence (for the most part); I'm always surprised when I find it, and dismayed at how little people notice it, how much they rise to the bait and get into painful exchanges that leave them feeling absolutely awful. (Once one has learned the patterns of verbal abuse, they're pretty obvious. And fairly easy to deflect--those who can argue around the counters, aren't generally interested in the abuse patterns.)
Err. I'm rambling.
So there's verbal abuse. And there's physical abuse. And they're often tied together, especially in very close relationships like marriages. And while verbal abuse is fairly equally distributed by gender, physical abuse is not... the man who is verbally abused may lash out physically, or the man who is a verbal abuser may be a physical abuser as well. Female physical abuse happens, but not as much--not enough to be a society-wide problem (except that many legal officials refuse to believe it exists, and are even less likely to prosecute a female abuser than a male.)
I really, really want to push VSD at the feminists who want to fight spousal abuse problems. I have no idea how to start.