I Don't Know What To Say
[ mood | 
]
[ music | Howard Shore - The Return of The King ]
I'm hurt. I'm angry. I don't know why. I've met many people online over the years. arrewen, llama_face and motato I've known the longest. We're very different people, but not one of them has ever distanced themselves from me in such a way as this.
I feel affronted by lannacht who I knew as solanestel. She commented on my journal a little while back and deleted that comment. I friended her, because I enjoy her writing and I wanted to keep up to date. I popped in again today and found this message.
Cara: I know I left a comment in your journal a few weeks ago, and then deleted it. I mostly just wanted to say "hi" and say "glad you're still with us". I deleted it because I had second thoughts (I'm a fickle brat sometimes, forgive me :( ). Forgive me, too, if I don't (in fact won't) friend you in return. It's not really anything personal against you. Mostly, you come from a part of my life that I've decided to separate myself from entirely to some degree; I realized it would be better for my emotional health that way. Take care though.
It hurt. It didn't seem sincere at all. She gave no explanation. I can't reply because her comments are set to friends-only, but I did email her about it. I would just like to know why in all honesty, no bullshit. For me, when something like that is posted, it creates more questions than are answered.
/edit
lannacht's response to my email...
Cara,
I will be honest with you, because you deserve that.
Yeah, the lj post was sort of bullshit. I held back because I knew other people were reading, and I really didn't want them to think badly of you (even if you wouldn't care, I would).
You're right, I wouldn't and don't care. You probably knew this, which makes it very difficult for me to believe you were holding back for that reason.
The truth is, I've just come out of dealing with a lot of shit, like my sexual orientation and my gender identity (that is, I don't feel totally female - if you want more of the story, I'd be glad to tell it, but that's not the point of this email right now); I was actually deeply depressed and suicidal at some points.I needed an almost total break from a lot of things from my "past-life", so I could heal, recover, and just feel better about who I am. Part of this was getting away from my old livejournal.
I accept that. It's a very valid point. Of course, recovery involves confronting old demons. Otherwise you'll never fully be able to heal. I know this from personal experience.
Frankly, I just can't do certain things anymore. I just can't be around certain people. And though you're an interesting, intelligent person, I can't be around you for long because you're depressed. It brings me down. And it actually really scares me, because there are some places I do not want to go back to - and because I just see you hurting, and not knowing always how to deal with it well.
I know that's not very compassionate, and I kind of "led you on", unfairly, by commenting in your journal and then deleting it. I was hoping you hadn't noticed it :(. A very cowardly thing to do, but I did it.
My LJ is set to email comments. I don't miss a thing.
Also cowardly was leaving the note in my journal, and then not giving you space to speak. It was rude too, and I felt like a dick afterwards, even before I got this email (and, admittedly, peeked in on your journal).
I know I'm sorry never cuts it, but I am, and you deserve better.
I really don't know what else to say. I'm torn because I do want to keep up, and see that you're doing ok, but I also don't want to go back to feeling depressed and worthless. And that's basically my problem, and I haven't exactly dealt with it well, or honestly.
Don't feel torn. That's guilt and indecision. Once again, you can make the choice. Do or do not.
Additionally, I decided to delete the post in my lj, because it was equally bullshity in some ways. Honestly, I'm having issues dealing with having lj friends period, mostly because am not interested in being Mr/Ms. popular, and don't have time to read x amount of journals. It feels unfair to friend people simply because they friended me when I'm not really going to read their journal. And I have issues with "who do I let read this post" sort of thing too.
Do you really believe I keep a journal expecting ass-kissing comments? No. Many of my posts are disturbing. I don't bitch or whine when I get two comments on a depressing post. I will continue to post them until the cows come home, whether or not anyone else gives a rat's ass, or replies. Or doesn't. My journal is not friends-only for this simple reason. I am not ashamed of what I post. I am honest about myself. I have nothing to hide. Today was a good day. Today was a bad day. Let the trolls and any enemies I may have roll on in. Despite all the shit in my life, I've learned not to care for it.
I'm sorry again :'(
Followed by a second email...
How do you tell someone you care about them, but maybe it's best that you went on your separate ways?
Well don't start something you can't finish. Don't bullshit. Don't even hint at bullshitting. Just make a post a comment in my journal with an honest explanation. You can even delete it afterwards, because it'll be safe in my inbox away from prying eyes.
How do you tell a friend who's dug a hole too deep even for you, that I you can't get her out, and you can't stand to watch her keep digging? That maybe you'd be tempted to start digging yourself if you kept watching her?
Well one of the most important things I've learnt in my life is Choice. God's gift to human beings. I believe in God. I believe in this. I made the choice to dig the hole, but at the same time you can make the choice to start digging yourself. I do not ask to be dug out of this hole. I go for therapy once a week - sometimes twice - depending on my therapist's schedule. I even see a psychiatrist. I have chosen to seek professional help. This choice was not forced upon me. I made it. And I'm very proud of myself for making it.
I posted earlier, where I wrote some blah about the friend's list thingy and restricting comment access and then left a note for a friend of mine who has friended me, but I haven't friended in return (I have done that to more than one person, which sounds rude, but I didn't feel the need to friend them back). We had a history from my old journal, you see, and part of my refusal to friend her is just me trying to break from some things in my life that weren't healthy.
Anyways, I left her a note, wondering after if I should have. Knowing her, she would get offended by this, thinking it was her fault or something (which, in some ways it is and isn't - mostly, I just want to keep away from her because she's not always very healthy person for me to be around).
Your opinion of me is my fault? Don't you make your own choices in life?
Well, she emailed me in response:
I don't know what to say. I'm not supposed to take it personally, I know, but you said "not really anything personal against you"..."not really" and opposed to "nothing". I dropped off the face of the earth for a while, because I got a job and I didn't spend a whole lotta time online. I'm not going to just drop this, because this kinda thing really does bother me. That's just me. I'd like complete and utter honesty, no matter how that makes me feel. Am I too fucked up? Is that it? Correct me if I've misinterpreted this whole thing. You didn't even give me the change to reply...
If I offended you I would really like to know.
Needless to say, I felt really bad and ended up deleting the earlier post and writing her back.
On one hand, I love her snarky sense of humor, her creative imagination. There's something about her that is beautiful and astounding in so many ways, and I like hearing from her sometimes. But then she has this very dangerous penchant for self-destruction that does bother me. I hate to see someone hurting themselves like she does.
Sadly, I'd have to say: get used to it. The world is a nasty place. Maybe it's because I studied journalism and I have a pretty defined sense of realism, despite my love for LOTR. I still know what's real and what's not. People do stupid, destructive, nasty, inhumane things to themselves and each other each and every day. It's not going to get better. That's not in human nature. It's only going to get worse.
I had this sort of savior complex feeling arise out of this too, like "Oooh, I should do the compassionate thing and help her. Maybe she'll get better." But I seriously can't do anything for her unless she starts to do work to help herself.
I've said it a hundred times, but I'll make it clear now...I do not want anyone else to do anything for me, nor do I ask, because I have made the choice myself to seek professional help.
You have somewhat justifiable reasons and after considering all you've said I can appreciate them. But you made the mistake of bullshitting me, thinking I'd miss it. Or that it could be remedied. If you had been honest from the onset, I would've thought differently of the whole matter. But it can't. Goodbye lannacht. I consider the matter closed.
]
[ music | Howard Shore - The Return of The King ]
I'm hurt. I'm angry. I don't know why. I've met many people online over the years. arrewen, llama_face and motato I've known the longest. We're very different people, but not one of them has ever distanced themselves from me in such a way as this.
I feel affronted by lannacht who I knew as solanestel. She commented on my journal a little while back and deleted that comment. I friended her, because I enjoy her writing and I wanted to keep up to date. I popped in again today and found this message.
Cara: I know I left a comment in your journal a few weeks ago, and then deleted it. I mostly just wanted to say "hi" and say "glad you're still with us". I deleted it because I had second thoughts (I'm a fickle brat sometimes, forgive me :( ). Forgive me, too, if I don't (in fact won't) friend you in return. It's not really anything personal against you. Mostly, you come from a part of my life that I've decided to separate myself from entirely to some degree; I realized it would be better for my emotional health that way. Take care though.
It hurt. It didn't seem sincere at all. She gave no explanation. I can't reply because her comments are set to friends-only, but I did email her about it. I would just like to know why in all honesty, no bullshit. For me, when something like that is posted, it creates more questions than are answered.
/edit
lannacht's response to my email...
Cara,
I will be honest with you, because you deserve that.
Yeah, the lj post was sort of bullshit. I held back because I knew other people were reading, and I really didn't want them to think badly of you (even if you wouldn't care, I would).
You're right, I wouldn't and don't care. You probably knew this, which makes it very difficult for me to believe you were holding back for that reason.
The truth is, I've just come out of dealing with a lot of shit, like my sexual orientation and my gender identity (that is, I don't feel totally female - if you want more of the story, I'd be glad to tell it, but that's not the point of this email right now); I was actually deeply depressed and suicidal at some points.I needed an almost total break from a lot of things from my "past-life", so I could heal, recover, and just feel better about who I am. Part of this was getting away from my old livejournal.
I accept that. It's a very valid point. Of course, recovery involves confronting old demons. Otherwise you'll never fully be able to heal. I know this from personal experience.
Frankly, I just can't do certain things anymore. I just can't be around certain people. And though you're an interesting, intelligent person, I can't be around you for long because you're depressed. It brings me down. And it actually really scares me, because there are some places I do not want to go back to - and because I just see you hurting, and not knowing always how to deal with it well.
I know that's not very compassionate, and I kind of "led you on", unfairly, by commenting in your journal and then deleting it. I was hoping you hadn't noticed it :(. A very cowardly thing to do, but I did it.
My LJ is set to email comments. I don't miss a thing.
Also cowardly was leaving the note in my journal, and then not giving you space to speak. It was rude too, and I felt like a dick afterwards, even before I got this email (and, admittedly, peeked in on your journal).
I know I'm sorry never cuts it, but I am, and you deserve better.
I really don't know what else to say. I'm torn because I do want to keep up, and see that you're doing ok, but I also don't want to go back to feeling depressed and worthless. And that's basically my problem, and I haven't exactly dealt with it well, or honestly.
Don't feel torn. That's guilt and indecision. Once again, you can make the choice. Do or do not.
Additionally, I decided to delete the post in my lj, because it was equally bullshity in some ways. Honestly, I'm having issues dealing with having lj friends period, mostly because am not interested in being Mr/Ms. popular, and don't have time to read x amount of journals. It feels unfair to friend people simply because they friended me when I'm not really going to read their journal. And I have issues with "who do I let read this post" sort of thing too.
Do you really believe I keep a journal expecting ass-kissing comments? No. Many of my posts are disturbing. I don't bitch or whine when I get two comments on a depressing post. I will continue to post them until the cows come home, whether or not anyone else gives a rat's ass, or replies. Or doesn't. My journal is not friends-only for this simple reason. I am not ashamed of what I post. I am honest about myself. I have nothing to hide. Today was a good day. Today was a bad day. Let the trolls and any enemies I may have roll on in. Despite all the shit in my life, I've learned not to care for it.
I'm sorry again :'(
Followed by a second email...
How do you tell someone you care about them, but maybe it's best that you went on your separate ways?
Well don't start something you can't finish. Don't bullshit. Don't even hint at bullshitting. Just make a post a comment in my journal with an honest explanation. You can even delete it afterwards, because it'll be safe in my inbox away from prying eyes.
How do you tell a friend who's dug a hole too deep even for you, that I you can't get her out, and you can't stand to watch her keep digging? That maybe you'd be tempted to start digging yourself if you kept watching her?
Well one of the most important things I've learnt in my life is Choice. God's gift to human beings. I believe in God. I believe in this. I made the choice to dig the hole, but at the same time you can make the choice to start digging yourself. I do not ask to be dug out of this hole. I go for therapy once a week - sometimes twice - depending on my therapist's schedule. I even see a psychiatrist. I have chosen to seek professional help. This choice was not forced upon me. I made it. And I'm very proud of myself for making it.
I posted earlier, where I wrote some blah about the friend's list thingy and restricting comment access and then left a note for a friend of mine who has friended me, but I haven't friended in return (I have done that to more than one person, which sounds rude, but I didn't feel the need to friend them back). We had a history from my old journal, you see, and part of my refusal to friend her is just me trying to break from some things in my life that weren't healthy.
Anyways, I left her a note, wondering after if I should have. Knowing her, she would get offended by this, thinking it was her fault or something (which, in some ways it is and isn't - mostly, I just want to keep away from her because she's not always very healthy person for me to be around).
Your opinion of me is my fault? Don't you make your own choices in life?
Well, she emailed me in response:
I don't know what to say. I'm not supposed to take it personally, I know, but you said "not really anything personal against you"..."not really" and opposed to "nothing". I dropped off the face of the earth for a while, because I got a job and I didn't spend a whole lotta time online. I'm not going to just drop this, because this kinda thing really does bother me. That's just me. I'd like complete and utter honesty, no matter how that makes me feel. Am I too fucked up? Is that it? Correct me if I've misinterpreted this whole thing. You didn't even give me the change to reply...
If I offended you I would really like to know.
Needless to say, I felt really bad and ended up deleting the earlier post and writing her back.
On one hand, I love her snarky sense of humor, her creative imagination. There's something about her that is beautiful and astounding in so many ways, and I like hearing from her sometimes. But then she has this very dangerous penchant for self-destruction that does bother me. I hate to see someone hurting themselves like she does.
Sadly, I'd have to say: get used to it. The world is a nasty place. Maybe it's because I studied journalism and I have a pretty defined sense of realism, despite my love for LOTR. I still know what's real and what's not. People do stupid, destructive, nasty, inhumane things to themselves and each other each and every day. It's not going to get better. That's not in human nature. It's only going to get worse.
I had this sort of savior complex feeling arise out of this too, like "Oooh, I should do the compassionate thing and help her. Maybe she'll get better." But I seriously can't do anything for her unless she starts to do work to help herself.
I've said it a hundred times, but I'll make it clear now...I do not want anyone else to do anything for me, nor do I ask, because I have made the choice myself to seek professional help.
You have somewhat justifiable reasons and after considering all you've said I can appreciate them. But you made the mistake of bullshitting me, thinking I'd miss it. Or that it could be remedied. If you had been honest from the onset, I would've thought differently of the whole matter. But it can't. Goodbye lannacht. I consider the matter closed.