The Good Stuff
Okay, this post is more for me than for anyone else but you can read it if you want. I'm not even going to try and edit it or phrase it properly so it might be a mess. And it'll probably get kind of long, as most of my posts do, so it'll all be behind a cut.
I realized I have been wallowing a lot lately and that doesn't help my self esteem problems at all. So here is an attempt at thinking positive, of looking at the good points of myself and our relationship.
Even if it was a bit of an odd treck to get here, at 26 I actually have it fairly well together. When I worked at the grocery store they all loved my work and I had many people who where genuinly happy to see me. I worked my way up the ranks from a lowly bagger to Front End manager very quickly and did well at the job. They were sad to see me go. Now, even though there were some sidesteps on the path, I am in a job that I always wanted. I work in an office that makes a differance in people's lives. When hired my boss told me that he picked me over some with more experiance because I had way too much potential to be working at a gas station. Who also were sad to see me go, btw. I have jumped into a job that I knew nothing about, in a field I knew nothing about and am learning at a fast pace. Rarely does he have to make major changes to things I type up anymore or have to fix stupid mistakes. I have even begun to feel comfortable enough to correct his grammer and pick up on things that he forgets to do. I am close to having the office back to an organized state after his last paralegal totally destroyed everything. I am able to confidantly tell my soon to be father-in-law what he will need to do to start his business, keep it organized and totally legal. He trusts me and wants me to be his secretary when he is able to get it together.
I have a mother and older brother who look at me as the only sane member of our family. :-p Even though he has trouble showing it I know I am still my daddy's baby girl and that he is proud of me. I can honestly say that my mom is one of my best friends and would do anything in the world for me. My soon to be father-in-law, though sometimes gets on my nerves has become like a second father to me. He tells me openly that I am the first girl Ed has been with that he would be proud to call his daughter-in-law and that he thinks I'm good for Ed. This is a man who is very protective of his children and has seen his son deeply hurt too many times, so that is a big step. My soon to be sister and brother-in-laws have totally accepted me and view me as part of the family already.
I am a writer. Not something many people can say. A writer who has more stories in her head than she could ever get down on paper. One who many people have enjoyed reading her work and asked for more. One who keeps striving and pushing forward even through the hard stuff. One who has completed two novels and currently has three more in the works. One who everyone who reads her work, pushes her to write more and to move towards someday being published. One who pours her whole heart and soul into her stories, giving her characters the breath of life and real, deep emotions. Many of which she has already felt herself. One who will not stop until she is either published or six feet under.
Last but far from least, I have a man who I love more than life itself and who loves me in return. Ed is the most wonderful person I have ever known. He is hot, sexy, handsome, sweet, funny, smart, determined, strong. He is a perfect compliment to all of my soft edges and worrisome traits. He loves me for who I am and has never once tried to change me or make me into something that I'm not. He has dealt with me being annoying and clingy at times as well as with my parents being difficult. He has stood by me through every hard time that I have had to face. We have been together almost 14 months now and though it hasn't always been perfect it has been worth it. He tells me often that I am the only girl for him and that I will be by his side forever. He says I love you at least once a day and when I look into his eyes and I can feel it. We laugh all the time and have fun together no matter what we do. He is the type of man that I dreamed of having. One who is passionate and loving and accepts me for who I am. Almost a year ago now he asked me to be his forever and of course I said yes. Just over four months from now we will be married, surrounded by friends and family on a bright summer day. We have been through so much together in just a year that I know we can face the future together and have a long happy marriage. I would give anything and everything for that man and feel he would likely do the same for me.
All in all, though I have my moments, though I'm not always the strongest or the most stable and though I've been through a lot, I actually have things fairly well together. And I can be proud of that, can hold my head high knowing that there are people who love me and respect me. Not to mention my online friends who have listened to me whine not stop when what I probably really needed to be told was to just friggen get over it already. But to those of you reading this, your comments and concern have helped and while I am not totally over it, probably never will be, and while those thoughts do cross my head still.. I am learning how to fight them into submission and remember that life is good and there is no reason it will change.
I realized I have been wallowing a lot lately and that doesn't help my self esteem problems at all. So here is an attempt at thinking positive, of looking at the good points of myself and our relationship.
Even if it was a bit of an odd treck to get here, at 26 I actually have it fairly well together. When I worked at the grocery store they all loved my work and I had many people who where genuinly happy to see me. I worked my way up the ranks from a lowly bagger to Front End manager very quickly and did well at the job. They were sad to see me go. Now, even though there were some sidesteps on the path, I am in a job that I always wanted. I work in an office that makes a differance in people's lives. When hired my boss told me that he picked me over some with more experiance because I had way too much potential to be working at a gas station. Who also were sad to see me go, btw. I have jumped into a job that I knew nothing about, in a field I knew nothing about and am learning at a fast pace. Rarely does he have to make major changes to things I type up anymore or have to fix stupid mistakes. I have even begun to feel comfortable enough to correct his grammer and pick up on things that he forgets to do. I am close to having the office back to an organized state after his last paralegal totally destroyed everything. I am able to confidantly tell my soon to be father-in-law what he will need to do to start his business, keep it organized and totally legal. He trusts me and wants me to be his secretary when he is able to get it together.
I have a mother and older brother who look at me as the only sane member of our family. :-p Even though he has trouble showing it I know I am still my daddy's baby girl and that he is proud of me. I can honestly say that my mom is one of my best friends and would do anything in the world for me. My soon to be father-in-law, though sometimes gets on my nerves has become like a second father to me. He tells me openly that I am the first girl Ed has been with that he would be proud to call his daughter-in-law and that he thinks I'm good for Ed. This is a man who is very protective of his children and has seen his son deeply hurt too many times, so that is a big step. My soon to be sister and brother-in-laws have totally accepted me and view me as part of the family already.
I am a writer. Not something many people can say. A writer who has more stories in her head than she could ever get down on paper. One who many people have enjoyed reading her work and asked for more. One who keeps striving and pushing forward even through the hard stuff. One who has completed two novels and currently has three more in the works. One who everyone who reads her work, pushes her to write more and to move towards someday being published. One who pours her whole heart and soul into her stories, giving her characters the breath of life and real, deep emotions. Many of which she has already felt herself. One who will not stop until she is either published or six feet under.
Last but far from least, I have a man who I love more than life itself and who loves me in return. Ed is the most wonderful person I have ever known. He is hot, sexy, handsome, sweet, funny, smart, determined, strong. He is a perfect compliment to all of my soft edges and worrisome traits. He loves me for who I am and has never once tried to change me or make me into something that I'm not. He has dealt with me being annoying and clingy at times as well as with my parents being difficult. He has stood by me through every hard time that I have had to face. We have been together almost 14 months now and though it hasn't always been perfect it has been worth it. He tells me often that I am the only girl for him and that I will be by his side forever. He says I love you at least once a day and when I look into his eyes and I can feel it. We laugh all the time and have fun together no matter what we do. He is the type of man that I dreamed of having. One who is passionate and loving and accepts me for who I am. Almost a year ago now he asked me to be his forever and of course I said yes. Just over four months from now we will be married, surrounded by friends and family on a bright summer day. We have been through so much together in just a year that I know we can face the future together and have a long happy marriage. I would give anything and everything for that man and feel he would likely do the same for me.
All in all, though I have my moments, though I'm not always the strongest or the most stable and though I've been through a lot, I actually have things fairly well together. And I can be proud of that, can hold my head high knowing that there are people who love me and respect me. Not to mention my online friends who have listened to me whine not stop when what I probably really needed to be told was to just friggen get over it already. But to those of you reading this, your comments and concern have helped and while I am not totally over it, probably never will be, and while those thoughts do cross my head still.. I am learning how to fight them into submission and remember that life is good and there is no reason it will change.