Grad School
So. About two years ago, in the May of 2008, I graduated from college with a BA degree in English. Fantastic, right? Well, yes and no. I followed the path that I assumed I was supposed to follow like the good little girl that I am. I graduated from high school, attended junior college for three years to save a boat load of money, and then attended a university for two years, resulting in the aforementioned degree. And while I loved attending school despite all of the self-imposed stress, I didn't really feel like college did much for me over all. Yeah, I learned many new things (as well as forgetting quite a bit of old), and I noticed that my writing was improving by leaps and bounds, but that's all that I really did. I went to classes, got decent grades, and worked a bit. I did nothing to prepare me for my "future".
Once I graduated from college and got my shiny and useless degree, I kind of panicked. I hadn't done so many of the things I should have, like minoring in anthropology, applying for internships, and so on and so forth. Yes, I had my degree, but that pretty much amounted to nothing. Why? It gave me no skills I could use in the "real world". I can not tell you how many job interviews I have had over the past two years, and almost all of them accumulated into nothing. Maybe it was my personality. Maybe it was my appearance. Maybe it was my lack of skills and experience. Or maybe it was my damn degree that made me "overqualified" for some of the jobs that I was applying to. I didn't just apply to full time jobs. I applied to part-time jobs at department stores and whatnot only to be jerked around and told, "oh, you have a bachelor's degree, so you'll have plenty of better opportunities. Bull. Fucking. Shit. A BA degree in English pretty much accounts for nothing in today's world and economy. Maybe if I had a BS in the math or sciences, then I might have had a chance. But no.
Throughout my entire duration as an undegrad, I vehemently denied ever wanting to be a teacher. I still don't think I'm cut out to be a teacher. Ironically enough, though, is that almost all of my employment experience is education related. Except for a brief period in retail, I have always worked as a tutor, albeit in different subject, but a tutor all the same. But that's not really the problem nor is it the point. I like tutoring people even though it's basically impossible to earn a living out of being a tutor. No, no. The problem lies within me and my indecisiveness.
I'll admit freely that I'm spoiled. Not really in material things. I've been spoiled more in the sense that I've been coddled and sheltered since I was young. I was the very first girl in my family, and I'm the youngest. This meant that I didn't have to do or experience the same things as my two elder brothers. While they had to walk to school, I was given rides because it was safer. I was basically treated differently and like I said earlier, spoiled. This combined with my introverted/shy personality has made me a coward. I could have gone to a better school not very far from where I live, but far enough that I would have had to live on campus, but I didn't claiming that I chose to go to a closer school because it was cheaper. That's not really true. Financial aid would have paid for A LOT of the fees. I was actually just afraid to live on my own. Hell, I don't even have a license because my parents (and friends when I was in high school) drove me everywhere, though I claimed I didn't have a license because of my vision. In effect, this fear of branching out more or less isolated me during my undergrad years, and I basically have no friends anymore, but that's aside form the point I'm trying to make.
I'm also a ridiculously indecisive person. I don't know what I want, and I never really have. Except for knowing without a doubt who my favorite author is, I can even decide what my favorite things are. Perhaps this is because I don't know myself very well. I'm not sure. Whatever the case may be, my inability to know what I want or like has also hindered me in knowing what I want to do with my life or at least know what direction I would like to travel in. I'm also lazy and a procrastinator, and all of these things, paired with my cowardice, has led me to the state of limbo I've been in for the past two years.
I haven't been able to get a steady full- or part-time job, and I don't have a license, so that hinders things even further. What I've been left with is a nagging sense of unease because I don't want to be dependent on my parents for the rest of my life. And I am heavily dependent on them. I want to gain some independence from them, but I've been too cowardly to do so. I consciously made a decision to take a break from school and whatnot for a year to try and get a job and whatnot, so I applied for grad school and a program to teach abroad in the fall of 2008 for the following year. However, both things fell through, and I was left with another of no prospects.
Last year, after going back to community college just to have something to do and so my brain wouldn't die, I decided to apply for grad school again. I applied to several schools--all but one within commuting distance because of my damned cowardice and serious lack of funds--and got accepted to two of the four I applied to. One of the schools was where I attended school as an undergrad, but that school is a jackass and yeah, not getting into that. I decided to go to the school that accepted me first and gave me financial aid. Though I think I was a bit hasty in my acceptance because right after I paid my first minor fee, my financial aid went through at the other school that had accepted me, and I would have gotten more funding. Plus the other school had a bigger grad program for English, but alas, what could I do at that point.
After starting the motions to attend grad school, I decided to finally try and get my license. I studied my ass off and got my permit back in June. My behind the wheel test is on November 3, two days before my birthday. I hope I pass. *crosses fingers* I think that was a tiny step towards independence or at least a step away from my heavy reliance on my parents because as of right now, even though I take the bus to school, I have to get rides home from my dad because I get out of class at 10 pm and no buses run to my home that late. And speaking of classes and school, I'll finally get to my main point.
A week and a half ago on September 23, I finally started grad school. I'll admit, I was terrified and I wanted to run away as my cowardice had set in again. My first class was Queer Modernism, and all I can say is thank god my teacher was awesome. He was engaging and set the entire class' mind at ease. If I had had my second class first, Literary Theory, I might have actually run away screaming. It's more work, and it's difficult work. And frankly, the class was boring. It's a four hour long class, and by the end of the second hour, I was dying. However, I think I can manage it. Honestly, I still want to run away, drop out of school despite only having attended three days so far ( I have two four-hour classes, one class is on Tues. [Lit. Theory] and the other [Queer Mod.] is on Thurs.). However, I want to finish this quarter. I've never been in a quarter system before, but if I make it through this quarter and pass both of my classes, that means I can manage the next and the next, until I finish the program itself.
I applied to grad school basically to give me more time and to hopefully gain more skills before attempting to step out into the "real world" once again. Besides, I've got something to prove to myself. During my undergrad program I could procrastinate and slack off and do all-nighters and still get passing grades. There's no time to slack off now. I've only been in school for a week and a half, but I've already read two novels and over fifty pages of theory and criticism, and I'm currently about to start on more theory and my third novel. I basically need to grow up, and I'm hoping that grad school is a step in the right direction for me. I can't procrastinate, I can't run away, I can't laze about, and I can't rely on my parents forever. After I finish my grad program, I plan on trying to teach abroad. It's a drastic measure perhaps, but I think to truly gain independence and step away from the way I've been living my life up until now, I need to place myself in a new and completely unfamiliar environment where I can't run to my parents for protection. I cannot have someone holding my hand and leading the way up until the day I die. I'm scared, but I need to persevere.
I'm only at the beginning of my journey, but I think I'm finally traveling in the right direction.
Once I graduated from college and got my shiny and useless degree, I kind of panicked. I hadn't done so many of the things I should have, like minoring in anthropology, applying for internships, and so on and so forth. Yes, I had my degree, but that pretty much amounted to nothing. Why? It gave me no skills I could use in the "real world". I can not tell you how many job interviews I have had over the past two years, and almost all of them accumulated into nothing. Maybe it was my personality. Maybe it was my appearance. Maybe it was my lack of skills and experience. Or maybe it was my damn degree that made me "overqualified" for some of the jobs that I was applying to. I didn't just apply to full time jobs. I applied to part-time jobs at department stores and whatnot only to be jerked around and told, "oh, you have a bachelor's degree, so you'll have plenty of better opportunities. Bull. Fucking. Shit. A BA degree in English pretty much accounts for nothing in today's world and economy. Maybe if I had a BS in the math or sciences, then I might have had a chance. But no.
Throughout my entire duration as an undegrad, I vehemently denied ever wanting to be a teacher. I still don't think I'm cut out to be a teacher. Ironically enough, though, is that almost all of my employment experience is education related. Except for a brief period in retail, I have always worked as a tutor, albeit in different subject, but a tutor all the same. But that's not really the problem nor is it the point. I like tutoring people even though it's basically impossible to earn a living out of being a tutor. No, no. The problem lies within me and my indecisiveness.
I'll admit freely that I'm spoiled. Not really in material things. I've been spoiled more in the sense that I've been coddled and sheltered since I was young. I was the very first girl in my family, and I'm the youngest. This meant that I didn't have to do or experience the same things as my two elder brothers. While they had to walk to school, I was given rides because it was safer. I was basically treated differently and like I said earlier, spoiled. This combined with my introverted/shy personality has made me a coward. I could have gone to a better school not very far from where I live, but far enough that I would have had to live on campus, but I didn't claiming that I chose to go to a closer school because it was cheaper. That's not really true. Financial aid would have paid for A LOT of the fees. I was actually just afraid to live on my own. Hell, I don't even have a license because my parents (and friends when I was in high school) drove me everywhere, though I claimed I didn't have a license because of my vision. In effect, this fear of branching out more or less isolated me during my undergrad years, and I basically have no friends anymore, but that's aside form the point I'm trying to make.
I'm also a ridiculously indecisive person. I don't know what I want, and I never really have. Except for knowing without a doubt who my favorite author is, I can even decide what my favorite things are. Perhaps this is because I don't know myself very well. I'm not sure. Whatever the case may be, my inability to know what I want or like has also hindered me in knowing what I want to do with my life or at least know what direction I would like to travel in. I'm also lazy and a procrastinator, and all of these things, paired with my cowardice, has led me to the state of limbo I've been in for the past two years.
I haven't been able to get a steady full- or part-time job, and I don't have a license, so that hinders things even further. What I've been left with is a nagging sense of unease because I don't want to be dependent on my parents for the rest of my life. And I am heavily dependent on them. I want to gain some independence from them, but I've been too cowardly to do so. I consciously made a decision to take a break from school and whatnot for a year to try and get a job and whatnot, so I applied for grad school and a program to teach abroad in the fall of 2008 for the following year. However, both things fell through, and I was left with another of no prospects.
Last year, after going back to community college just to have something to do and so my brain wouldn't die, I decided to apply for grad school again. I applied to several schools--all but one within commuting distance because of my damned cowardice and serious lack of funds--and got accepted to two of the four I applied to. One of the schools was where I attended school as an undergrad, but that school is a jackass and yeah, not getting into that. I decided to go to the school that accepted me first and gave me financial aid. Though I think I was a bit hasty in my acceptance because right after I paid my first minor fee, my financial aid went through at the other school that had accepted me, and I would have gotten more funding. Plus the other school had a bigger grad program for English, but alas, what could I do at that point.
After starting the motions to attend grad school, I decided to finally try and get my license. I studied my ass off and got my permit back in June. My behind the wheel test is on November 3, two days before my birthday. I hope I pass. *crosses fingers* I think that was a tiny step towards independence or at least a step away from my heavy reliance on my parents because as of right now, even though I take the bus to school, I have to get rides home from my dad because I get out of class at 10 pm and no buses run to my home that late. And speaking of classes and school, I'll finally get to my main point.
A week and a half ago on September 23, I finally started grad school. I'll admit, I was terrified and I wanted to run away as my cowardice had set in again. My first class was Queer Modernism, and all I can say is thank god my teacher was awesome. He was engaging and set the entire class' mind at ease. If I had had my second class first, Literary Theory, I might have actually run away screaming. It's more work, and it's difficult work. And frankly, the class was boring. It's a four hour long class, and by the end of the second hour, I was dying. However, I think I can manage it. Honestly, I still want to run away, drop out of school despite only having attended three days so far ( I have two four-hour classes, one class is on Tues. [Lit. Theory] and the other [Queer Mod.] is on Thurs.). However, I want to finish this quarter. I've never been in a quarter system before, but if I make it through this quarter and pass both of my classes, that means I can manage the next and the next, until I finish the program itself.
I applied to grad school basically to give me more time and to hopefully gain more skills before attempting to step out into the "real world" once again. Besides, I've got something to prove to myself. During my undergrad program I could procrastinate and slack off and do all-nighters and still get passing grades. There's no time to slack off now. I've only been in school for a week and a half, but I've already read two novels and over fifty pages of theory and criticism, and I'm currently about to start on more theory and my third novel. I basically need to grow up, and I'm hoping that grad school is a step in the right direction for me. I can't procrastinate, I can't run away, I can't laze about, and I can't rely on my parents forever. After I finish my grad program, I plan on trying to teach abroad. It's a drastic measure perhaps, but I think to truly gain independence and step away from the way I've been living my life up until now, I need to place myself in a new and completely unfamiliar environment where I can't run to my parents for protection. I cannot have someone holding my hand and leading the way up until the day I die. I'm scared, but I need to persevere.
I'm only at the beginning of my journey, but I think I'm finally traveling in the right direction.